Whitney Port Shows She Has Learned Nothing From Diane, New York, Part 2: An Analysis of The Hills Finale Party

Posted by: Jen

So The Hills season finale was last night and all of the LA people were not surprisingly, really stupid and left the warm goodness of SoCal and came to frozen New York. Anyway, I don't watch the show because I don't have cable (I really do miss the Saturday all day marathons when I am hungover and have to watch PBS), but I did notice a few things about our favorite totally real people who happen to have a tv show:

1. Whitney Port has apparently proven that NY drugs are way harder than the kind found in LA. Case in point:

Like, WTF is this? Did she rob Stevie Nicks AND a Hawaiian Tropic girl on the way to the party? In her NY hard drug fueled euphoria did she craft a stolen lei from said Hawaiian Tropic girl into a seriously bad headband? People, this is a woman who has her own clothing line and "WORKS" in fashion. I gag. And Diane probably threw up all over herself when she saw the photos this morning.

2. I love Lauren's dress!

Sparkly! Simple! Well played! If I could fix ONE thing about this, it would be to tell L to stop doing her stupid "I'm a little teapot pose." Seriously, think of something else. Now every one laugh at how deranged/goofy Whitney looks next to Lauren!

3. What recession?

Lauren's Philip Lim dress costs $925 dollars AND IS SOLD OUT in most sizes! Really? Now I'm sad because I can't buy it even if I could afford it. Or wanted to spend what I pay for rent on a dress. Oh also, if you have a couple grand left after you buy your beautious PL sparkly wonder dress, Net-A-Porter suggests you pair it with some Louboutins and a Jimmy Choo clutch. I say, if we're all going to the breadline, we might as well look fabulous!*

* J/K, J/K, J/K FOR REAL.

Dear Paris Hilton, Why?

Posted by: Jen

Oh Paris, for someone who shops like, ALL THE TIME, you really suck at it. Let's review:

1. Weird freaky faux belt shirt resembling an ugly belt that I would not wear if it were real, let alone drawn on to a shirt. Why do you want a fake belt "belting" your boobs?

2. An A-Line business-y skirt that almost covers your knee? Are you going for a job interview at the ugly shirt store?

3. OMG, no -- OMFG!!!1 -- ARE THOSE RED PATENT SLINGBACKS WITH TIGHTS? Dear Jesus, when did you become a 75 year old woman?!

On Xmas Xchanging

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Kim: UM DID YOU LIKE THE CARD HI Jennifer: it looks like you bought it

that is a compliment

Kim: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT

Jennifer: I can't wait til you see mine

Kim: IT WAS MADE WITH SO MUCH LOVE

i bought the stamp with you in mind! Jennifer: lol I probably appreciate the xmas penguin more than most

Kim: yes. some people want mangers and messiahs. i know you prefer arctic birds in hats.
Jennifer: christmas is about animals in hats, elves and drinking
Jennifer: anything else, I do not care for

every now and then my mom would get a jesus card

it was always such a disappointment

Tonight Is My Office Xmas Party

Posted by: Jen


So I'm feeling festive. And so I give you: hedgehog in a sombrero!

If you're looking for a fun, reasonably priced holiday dress ...

Posted by: Kim

... allow me to point you in the direction of the Gap.

No, really. I'm sure you're having one of two thoughts ("the ... Gap? For realz?" or "Yeah. Obviously Kim would like the Gap.") and neither of them are exactly positive, but, I swear. Cute. Affordable. If I didn't have a closet so full it's starting to wake me up at night covered in a cold sweat of shame and guilt, I'd be all over half a dozen or so on the site.

As it is, I leave it to others. I'll shop vicariously.

www.gap.com

Buy (Red) Save Lives while you're at it.

Drunken Rant: Hey 303, Go Fuck Yourself!

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so wasn't going to blog because I went to happy hour and kept going and it's 2am, but then I got home and was eating delicious delicious Life cereal while watching stupid Carson Daily because Gideon Yago was on and I was interested because he is a legit reporter and then they went to the musical guest which was this band called 303 and I have no idea what it means but I am assuming it is an area code -- wait let me google it -- IT IS AND IT'S DENVER -- came on and OH MAN were they offensive/lame.

Ok, ok, ok. I know that last paragraph was a run-on sentence but work with me, I've had like eleventeen drinks and am trying. so. hard. to. type. properly. These dumb Colorado dudes had puppets and were dressed up as a fireman and a police officer and the song that they sang contained the following lyrics:

"Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Shhhh girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips "

And I was like, YO, DENVER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Like who the fuck does that? OMG. And all of the horrible LA people that go to Carson's stupid show were like rocking out in their Kitson and I almost choked on my Life cereal. I find these lyrics to be ridiculously retarded/offensive, especially coming from two ugly dudes who can barley sing and clearly got signed because their "thing" was puppets. Like really, really? HELLEN KELLER? Oh jesus. EPIC FUCKING FAIL.

Eric Will Not Be Getting His Own Show

Posted by: Jen

So that pesky rumor about a Gossip Girl spin off that was making us all nervous about which character would leave the show and commit career/show suicide by breaking up the pure magic that is GG? Totally true! But fear not everyone, Chuck is NOT leaving. And Eric is not getting his own show -- he seemed like the only logical one to me, because he is underused and totally awesome!!!

From Star Magazine:

"A network insider says the spin-off will center around the younger lives of Blake Lively and Penn Badgely's on-screen parents, played by Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle.

"The show will focus on the early romance between Lily and Rufus," says the insider. "It begins when they first meet, during a time when Rufus and his band are at the height of their career. The show will follow the high society and rock 'n' roll lifestyle in New York."

...The source denies rumors that an original cast member will be leaving the show to join the spin-off. Instead, two new actors will be hired to play the young Lily and Rufus. Producers are planning to introduce the new couple during a flashback scene in an upcoming episode of Gossip Girl."

Well, that actually doesn't sound like it will totally suck, as long as they make young Rufus and Lily waaaay more interesting. But I mean, an 80's version of Gossip Girl, with 80's New York and 80's fashion? Well, well Josh Schwartz, you've sparked my interest...

GIVE IT TO ME!

Posted by: Jen

So you'd think Whitney Port would take a look at Diane von Furstenberg's Pre-Fall collection (Pre-fall? Really? Like am I supposed to want this in August '09? Because if I got the collection for xmas I would wear it every day.) and suddenly know how to dress herself. But she does not, and will probably continue to not take the example of the PURE GENIUS that is Diane!

An amazing party dress? Count me in! Throw a long cardigan over that and wear it to work... At least once a week for a year to justify the cost!

I drool. I know it's simple, but simple is best: a great color and you know that fabric would fall perfectly. I would jazz it up with some gold jewelry but Kim could also wear it with a string of long pearls! We'd both look fabuloussssssss.

Oh hello! I would wear this while having some type of adventure on a slightly gray day in Paris. Chocolate croissants would be eaten and it would involve a motorcycle ride. NEED IT.

You can see the rest of it here: http://fabsugar.com/slideshow/2572932

Two Videos You Will DIE Over!!!1

Posted by: Jen

Hooolllyyy shit. It's a hedgehog, eating a carrot, and somebody filmed it, and then put it up on YouTube! I die. I die I die I die!



And if you thought it couldn't get ANY better, I give you "Hamster on a Piano, Eating Popcorn", the musical:



For realz, I DO believe in Santa because this is all I want for Christmas!

Life Altering Realization Of The Day:

Posted by: Jen

So today, for the first time in my life, I found out that Candlepin Bowling is not a nationwide sensation (or a lame gym class field trip when you were 8) but rather indigenous to New England. So imagine my surprise when asking my friend Chris (also featured below in my traumatic hair emergency post -- Kim is having G Chat issues today and isn't available) the totally normal "Big balls or little balls" question and getting this answer:

Chris: i bowled a 170 too, i haven't bowled that high in forever.

Jennifer: is it big or little balls?

Chris: huh? bowling balls

they are all the same size

Jennifer: no

candlepin ones are smaller

Chris: "candlepin"? wtf?

Jennifer: for real!

Chris: are you being foreign on me? dont do that.

bowling balls

regular balls

Jennifer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candlepin_bowling

oh ok, so I am a Canadian freak apparently.

Chris: i've never seen that ever in my life

Jennifer: oh, well that was the only kind of bowling I did until college

Chris: wow

Jennifer: and then I was like "Oooh big balls! Like on The Simpsons!"

Chris: weird do they even have that in new york?

Jennifer: this is hilarious, I thought everyone had it

Chris: yeah ive never even heard of it

Jennifer: "Candlepin bowling is a variation of bowling that is played primarily in the Canadian Maritime provinces and in the New England states of Maine, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire." says Wikipedia!

Mind blown. I am sorry that the children of the world have never gotten to participate in such a great sport. In fact, it makes me actually appreciate big ball bowling more just because Candlepin is so fucking hard. Going from Candlepin to big ball bowling (I will never call it "Stadium" or "10 Pin") is like not wearing shoes your whole life and walking on gravel and then suddenly being handed a pair of Chanel flats! You people have no idea how hard I had it with those tiny balls and wooden pins.

On Severe Regret...

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so every now and then I get the urge to chop off my hair, do so, severely regret it, swear to never do it again, grow it out happily for two years and then repeat the agonizing process for some reason. You'd think I'd learn but I DO NOT. Anyway, the latest incarnation of hair mistake is a long bob that makes me look like I am 8. My hair is way to thick and wavy to pull this off and I am seriously depressed. I am considering going back to get it fixed but I do not know how it would be fixed and it's either that or let it grow and look shitty for three months. This is the worst thing ever.

Chris: i saw your facebook status, you're not happy?

Jennifer: no I hate it

Chris: maybe you can use this as a fancy fun hat stage

Jennifer: no, it's the bottom that I don't like... my bangs are fine

Chris: the bottom ? the back?

Jennifer: like the sides and everything

it's just stupid, and I really hate it

Chris: you took a risk though and that's cool, i'm sure its not nearly as bad as you think

Jennifer: yay I am cool for a risk! I can tell people that.

"excuse my hair, I know I look like shit, but please realize I am cool for it!!!"

Chris: should i walk up stairs and look or would you rather no one looked at you right now
Jennifer: I'm hiding and I don't want to talk about it because I will cry

seriously, I'm going to like, pee in the trashcan or something, whenever I have to go

Chris: well did you at least do something fun this weekend to make up for it

Jennifer: yeah but I didn't have as much fun as I would have if I had long hair

Regarding "Twilight" again ...

Posted by: Kim

I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but I've been off my game. Anyway, here we go:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I apologize for all of the nasty things I said about your promotional covers in my previous Twilight post of epic length. You ARE Edward Cullen, and I love you.

Love, Kim

So, I saw Twilight ... um, twice, maybe (I only paid once though, I do have some boundaries) and I loved it and I love Edward Cullen and I love Robert Pattinson and I love Alice and Jasper (my favorite Twilight couple, so much cooler than Bella and Edward) and the people who played them even if they weren't utilized nearly enough, and I really wish whatever that Iron & Wine song at the end was had been made in time for my prom. Also, Bella was way less annoying in the movie than she is in the book, so that was cool, even if Kristin Stewart exudes bitchery even while she's acting, but, whatever. Yay, Twilight movie! Fan, here.

But back to the books. So after my ''it sucks but in an addictive way'' reaction to the first book, I got the rest. And they got progressively better! Hey! To the point that I totally loved the third one, Eclipse. Loved. Unabashedly. But, world, now here I am stuck about halfway through the fourth and final one, and all I can say is

WHAT.

WTF.

RENESMEE?!

It ... I really thought I had words going into this, but, as I was trying to explain to my new-Twilight-fan sister who is currently in the midst of Eclipse bliss, the fourth book IS WHACK. Currently the only character I still like is Carlisle, I am ready to go smack anyone who dares talk about the magic that is baaaaaaaaabieeeees, and I am about ready to revoke all my glowing-and-grudging praise of this epic vampire love saga if the final installment doesn't shape up and quick, because, again: WHAT THE HELL.

Also, there is no way in Hades that this one can ever be made into a movie anywhere in America that its target audience (you know, tween girls) will be allowed to see without adult accompaniment and nightmares for life.

Jen. Read these books. We need to discuss.

Jenny Humphrey's Pout Makes Me Nervous...

Posted by: Jen


Like seriously Little J! What is with your face on red carpets? We are not always doing high fashion; I'd like to see a little catalogue and see you smile and not look like you are about to bite off my face.

However, your dress is amazing and I applaud your or your stylist's fashion sense. I wonder: Jenny (Taylor, whatevs) is 15 years old. I at 15 was wearing Doc Martens, stripe-y sweaters and a jacket similar to the one favored by George Costanza -- and if Jenny is actually dressing herself, then she is a certified child genius, and I won't worry as much about her running around NYC to grown-up parties because she can obviously handle it. And do my taxes.

Interrupting my unintentional blog neglect to say ...

Posted by: Kim

Dear Gossip Girl writers:

1) Okay. I get it. You, or someone who pays you, has a giant hard-on for Vanessa. Probably the same someone with a giant hard-on for all the boring Brooklyn-based characters in this show about Upper East Siders (the only one I give a pass to is Jenny, because her storylines are interesting and despite her tendency to be obnoxious, she's probably the most realistically-portrayed character on the whole show). I could rant on that for a while, but, meh. Point? You can't make me like her. So while I accept that she's not getting written off the show any time soon, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO FORCE IT SO HARD OMFG! Ugh. So her raison d'etre is that she's Nate's One True Luv? And she finally comes down off her high, high horse and admits she was wrong ... when she is presented with material gifts! Oh, how moral and refreshingly down-to-earth. Heh. Also, blech. You JUST started developing Nate's character in the last episode, so while he may be obscenely hot and while it was 70% adorable (30% yucky) that he kissed her while she was leaking snot down her face, I don't buy the looooove. It got lost after they were cute and normally developed for 13 seconds and then abandoned immediately last season. Ew, V, go back to Vermont, you stupid judgey letter-stealy bitch.

2) Um, so, Jen just texted me V+N 4Eva! Apparently I lose.

I forget what else I was going to say.

3) Oh yeah. Lily's dress intrigued me greatly. Blair looked pretty. Blair's twin did as well. Everyone else, um, Swan Lake much? Oh, but also? Chuck's twin? With the Chuck mouth/Chuck face? Incredible. Like you could actually see that Ed Westwick was not 'acting' his amusement and was just straight up laughing at the kid. Awesome.

4) Rufus/Lily bore me as well.

OMG This Dog Will Haunt My Dreams!

Posted by: Jen

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I don't normally remember my dreams, or even have nightmares, and I am so glad because I know that this thing is what would be chasing me! HIS EYES ARE BURNING INTO MY SOUL!

Actually I don't even know if he HAS eyes; they just look like evil evil soul sucking cavities of evil. Who would have thought that such a creature with remarkable Heidi-like hair could be so scary?

You know how people are always like "If I were an animal what would I be?" (ok, maybe not "always like", but you know). Well I guess we now have the answer for Heidi. I'd probably be a spider monkey or an otter, just to let you know. Now please feel free to go back to being TERRIFIED.

On Baby Names, And Mistaking A Biblical Character For A Type Of Exercise

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: Ashlee Simpson named her baby...
BRONX
for real
Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Kim: Mowgli like in The Jungle Book?!
BRONX. hee. heeeeee.
Jennifer: Oh my god, that is not even remotely ok like Brooklyn
Also, I do not believe Victoria Beckham was ever in Brooklyn to conceive
Kim: no. it's like Paris. except not as cool. and Paris was a name like when Shakespeare was writing shit.
Jennifer: yeah, so that's relatively ok, except I feel like P. Hilton has ruined the name for everyone
kind of like how you don't really see any Adolfs around anymore
Kim: hahaha, that was awesome
or like Pilates
whoa, that looks like pilates
how do you spell Pilate
Jennifer: like the Jesus killer kind?
umm
Kim: yes, lol
Jennifer: Pilate, I Googled it
and I wrote "pontius pilate" in my search because I only know it from that thing that people recite at church before communion
Kim: haha
good little ex-catholic

Confusion.

Posted by: Kim

Last week sometime Jen and I discussed the phenomenon that is Twilight and how thus far this has been another instance of us living under some rock while the rest of the world pees its collective pants about something pop cultural.

This time, though, we came to the conclusion that this might be a bandwagon we could jump on, because we love vampires and pretty people, and the preview for the upcoming Twilight movie looks incredible. Incredible as in good, or incredible as in so bad it comes back around to awesome, well, that is to be determined. But, vampires. Pretty vampires.

Cut to Sunday morning, when I was impulse-purchasing heels at Marshalls (in my defense, Marshalls - I got two pairs that retailed at $85 and $125, respectively, for $40. Total.) and I noticed Twilight the book for sale in the checkout aisle for $7 and I really don't need much enabling, so, I bought that too.

Ahem. I have finished it. Hi, world? Pants-peeing, vamp-lusting, fangirly world? It's not good. And yet, I sort of get it. It's not good, it's not well-written, it's not well-developed plot-wise, and the heroine is rather absurd. But I couldn't put it down, and omfg, it's a series? I need the rest of them!

Right, so it's not good. As I was attempting to explain so to Jen, she said, "so is it bad like The DaVinci Code is bad?" which is the singlemost intelligent, best question she could have asked, and the answer is both yes and no.

Jen and I are the only two people I know who hated The DaVinci Code, but I refuse to believe we are wrong on this. Sorry, Mr. Brown, but you wrote a crappy book that snuck its way atop the best-sellers list and at least two people noticed. Like you care anyway. Enjoy the millions. However, I look up to you as a historian. See, my (and Jen's, though she can correct me if I am wrong) main problem with The DaVinci Code is that it was chock full of incredibly interesting historical (or biblical, if you prefer) allegories and "facts" ... that were then left abandoned and drowning without a prayer amidst an inane, retarded story. End result on my part? Rage. I had to force myself to finish it.

Twilight suffers from a similar problem, in that the historical perspective on the vampire clan, particularly when told from the perspective of the members of the tribal reservation (not to mention their own folklore) is really cool. Aaaand there's about, I don't know, 12 pages dedicated to it out of the 500-plus worth of relatively blahhhh teen drama and somewhat creepy "love" story. However, unlike with The DaVinci Code, teen drama and creepy love stories hold my interest, and so I kept tearing through the pages waiting for the awesome to come. It never did, really, but I'm intrigued enough to keep going. Of course, I'll probably be spitting nails by the time I finish the last book and they've all been shitty. But whatever.

As far as the movie goes? WHEN CAN I GET MY TICKETS?! OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EDWARD ON SCREEN! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

But, alas. A question:

WHAT?


Okay, of the 500-whatever pages of this book, approximately 492 of them are dedicated to reveling in Edward the sparkly (yes, sparkly - there is an entire passage in which he is sparkling in the sun and it is discussed at length), broody vampire boyfriend's insane, otherworldy beauty. Ummm ... I'm no expert, but Jen and I do also love zombies and we did dress up like zombified versions of the main characters of our favorite TV show of all time (I'll let you envision what you wish) for Halloween, and, um, Edward is really looking a little zombie here. I mean, you know, like early stage zombie, before the decaying is totally complete, and clearly he didn't get bit in the face (as I did, on Halloween), but still. Zombie-esque. AND ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES ARE NOT THE SAME! To break it down, vampires = hot, zombies = not, this poster = not, this poster = not vampire. Yes? Yes.

Also, quick research informs me that this young man, Robert Pattinson, is in fact about 400 times hotter than this poster conveys. I mean, he's hot in a dirty, mildly creepy "I don't have to shower because I am dirty British rockstar-esque and that is my thing, with my hair grease and cigarettes" kind of way that never totally gets me all hot and bothered but certainly seems to do it for plenty of chicks. But point is, I've seen the preview, and now I've read the book, and while I probably would have sought out Henry Cavill or perhaps Chuck Bass himself, I approve of the casting. I get it. Edward is a vampire, and he is physically supposed to be perfect and painfully beautiful but he is not human, so they had to get someone who is, as I put it earlier and Jen approved, kind of fuckity beautiful. They couldn't just cast Chace Crawford and call it a day. It had to be someone kind of bizarrely attractive, someone variable, who, from the wrong angle or in the wrong light probably runs the risk of coming across as downright ugly, but in the right light and at the right angle is stunning. And I feel like they got it.

SO WHY IS THIS YOUR AD CAMPAIGN?!!!!? OMG.

It gets worse:



WHAT.

Also of note is that they both totally dyed their hair between poster/EW cover? Wtf. At least Bella is a total super-hottie on the EW cover. TOO BAD EDWARD IS NOT AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEFINITION OF HOT. I am just so confused. His belt is kind of cool, though.

Oh yeah, also, Re: Bella, I don't really care. I don't really care about Bella. I wouldn't be friends with her character in real life, I am pretty sure. This chick appears fine for the job.

I can't wait to see this movie.

And Jen? Vampire B&S? It could work ...

A Combo Of Elvira and Laura Ingalls Wilder

Posted by: Jen

OH WOW, what is this? A boobie dress with a dash of FLDS thrown in for fun? And do I detect (presumably knee high) leather pointy toed boots underneath that dress? How is she so confidently striking the teapot pose in this? Maybe Blake is a better actress than we thought! Or maybe she is now letting her GG stylist dress her in real life.

Update: After talking further about my horror at this monstrosity with Kim, I can now seriously say that this is the Ugliest Dress I Have Ever Seen. There, I said it.

But really, really! This is like Angela Chase's dream winter formal dress or something my kindergarten teacher wore in 1987. I can't get over it. SO BAD.

Lindsay Lohan's Leggings Cost $135

Posted by: Jen

NOW WE KNOW WHY LINDSAY WAS SEEN SPORTING FRINGEY BOOTS THAT COST 1k! At least 7.5 people have purchased her overly priced leggings! And I am talking about the kind with KNEEPADS or ZIPPERS, people. Well done Lindsay, I can now rest assured that you will not starve to death since you are not getting any work these days.

I am going to start a sock line. Some will have pom-poms, some will not, but they will all embody my youth and free spirit and general all around awesomeness. They are $85 each. Get in line ladies.

In Which We Foresee The Future:

Posted by: Kim and Jen



Jennifer: if they actually did a vampire GG episode, I would probably die of happiness
Kim: HAHAHAHA
write it up, pitch it to josh schwartz.
Jennifer: I could, it will be for season 4, when GG inevitably goes crazy and gets cancelled
Kim: yes. that's totally what's happening.
like, right after vanessa and blair start dating and serena overdoses and dies.
Jennifer: like the last season of the OC, when Marissa was dead, and it was all, what, now we have to watch Summer and Seth and random sister
Kim: chuck and nate will turn into vampires.
Kim: i didn't like marissa anyway, she was totes the weak link.
it's like how i feel gg keeps telling me i care about rufus/lily vanessa, jenny, etc.
i really don't
well, i do like jenny most of the time, her storylines are good.
Jennifer: you know season 4 it will be the rufus/lily/v/jenny show right
Kim: but really im totally like BSNC, that's all i really care about.
Jennifer: S and B will have gone on to film
Kim: yeah. sigh. prob next season, jenny will be the star. and rufus and lily are like lead couple. i wont like it anymore.
Jennifer: yeah, sigh, dan will still be there
Ed Westwick will have OD'd in real life
Kim: awwww
but yeah
Jennifer: Chace will be handcuffed to my bed
Kim: YES
Jennifer: hahahaha
Kim: or at least have given up on 'acting'and been a model, like he was designed for.
duh, chace.
Jennifer: he screams Dolce and Gabbana to me -- like, he is their print ad boy
maybe even Versace, cause he's a little tacky but sooooooo pretty
Kim: yes. they can just slick back his hair pilot-style and pile on the blush.
Jennifer: yup, I'm envisioning a velor red blazer, tighty whities and big leather boots
Kim: ew
Jennifer: that's what they do! I didn't create it!
Kim: it was like, the unprettiest vision of chace imagineable, lol
Jennifer: but he'll make millions
Kim: oh yeah, and i mean, i'll still wallpaper my ceiling, it will just take me a few minutes.
Jennifer: and then successfully foray back into acting by being Samantha's boy toy in the 5th Sex and The City movie
Kim: oh, their futures are so bright: blake will have had 2 facelifts by the time she's 29
leighton ... i don't know. in theory she should be okay, but i could see her leaving gg to do movies and then not getting work again ever and just being D-list with carter baizen.
and vanessa will obviously disappear.
or be on GG, the new class.
Jennifer: a teacher at the prep school
Kim: yes, exactly. possibly married to dan.
or a lesbian.
Jennifer: eric is already gay
they used that one too early
Kim: oh, he'll be fine though.
he'll leave at like the end of this season to go win 4 oscars and cure aids.
i love eric.

My Internet Is Broken At My House And I Have Canceled All Thinking Until After The Marathon

Posted by: Jen

This is what I look like right now. Kind of.

Excuses, excuses. I am running the Philly Marathon next weekend and all of the training has finally caught up to me. I am way too pooped to rifle through photos of Whitney Port's latest monstrosity or to yell about politics, because while I am PISSED about Prop 8 in CA (I have many thoughts, they will come someday, but good god people, no one wanted to teach your children sodomy and no one was gonna force you to watch, and your marriage would still be as just special as Britney's 24 hour quicky in Vegas, I promise), I am generally still happy/smug about Obama's win. Also, I somehow managed to break my internet at my house, and only get 2 bars when I steal from my neighbors, and I am NEGLECTING THE BLOG AND I AM SORRY. And now I have to go back to work/alternately stare off into space out of sheer exhaustion. Sorry dudes. XOXO

Amazing.

Posted by: Kim

Chuck/Ed is the most amazing person ever. Let's discuss:


Head-to-toe velour. Paisley scarf. Loafers (or are they slippers?) adorned with skulls and crossbones.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I even can discuss, I'm too busy gawking in amazement at the level of ridiculous that has been achieved so awesomely.

So obviously this is Chuck, right, not Ed, because he's complete with Chuck hair, and, like seriously, Ed's a dirty British rockstar, not an LA socialite in velour. But I'm choosing not to seek out confirmation of that fact, because the part of me that is convinced Ed is in fact turning into Chuck, thus meaning Chuck Bass has/will soon transcend television and become Real Life, really hopes this is just Ed's between-takes loungewear. Because that would be incredible.

All that said, I really can't wait for whatever episode this is.

Also, check out that woman in the bright red pants mid-sprint and fiddling with her camera in the background. I'm just saying, could be me. I do indeed have cherry-red fleece pants, because I am both from New England and can't let college go. But they would never be my Chuck-stalking attire of choice, so, she is not me. Sadly. Because seeing this in person would have made my month.

Another contender for My Birthday Party Dress of 2008

Posted by: Kim


1) Hey, America Ferrera looks fantastic. Yay, America!

2) Um, I can has?

3) It's Oscar de la Renta. I suppose I can't has.

4) Jen, don't you have those shoes?

5) Really, though. Can somebody point me in the direction of a knockoff/ripoff/something you made yourself that looks exactly like that and you want to give to me/some free money?

When Photoshop attacks

Posted by: Kim

Oh, dear god.

I think it's fairly obvious to anyone who has ever seen her before that Blake Lively is neither (1) a demon; or (2) a life-sized Barbie doll, complete with arms that snap off at the shoulder. Oh, W, W, W. How could you do this to our Serena? She's supposed to be pretty.

Another issue: Why is she dressed in what looks like it could easily line up in contention for My Birthday Dress of 2008 ... until you scroll all the way down to the bottom of the cover and see that it's a ... bright red pantsuit with a strapless, empire-waist baby doll top? Is that what it is?

Because it's either that or a strapless, empire-waist baby doll "dress" the likes and length of which even Little Jenny Humphrey hasn't even been bold enough to attempt, paired with ... red tights. ("TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!" -- Blair Waldorf)

But I can't tell, because that American flag is obstructing my view and, have I mentioned how fucking distracting her dislocated ARM is?!

Anyway. In other scandalous S news, last night's Gossip Girl was good enough, because, well, it is Gossip Girl and can never be bad, but sort of failed to impress as much as anticipated, what with Chuck not killing Dan, CreepyGrossAaron seducing Serena with photos of herself, and Jenny inexplicably screaming about how nuts Agnes is instead of knocking the bitch down and running off with her dresses (seriously, it was taking the girl 20 minutes to light the damn match anyway). But at least Wallace Shawn was in there being inconceivably awesome (ha. ha.) and Blair coined our (and by our, I mean the collective female population) new mantra, "I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me." And next week we're all thankful for Nate Archibald! Whee!

Fame: Barack Has It

Posted by: Jen
Our dear President-Elect (SQUEEEEE! Let me tell you how thrilled I am to say that! I really cannot describe how happy the outcome of the election has made me, but let's just say I am finally, for the first time in my adult life, proud of my country, optimistic, etc etc, USA!!!1, whatever...) seems to have reached the level of global superstar, and is being tracked by the paparazzi. Continue to be a rockstar, Barack! Oh and please make excellent decisions, govern well, and bring good changes to the country as president. I love you, now don't fuck it up. xoxo, Jen

Britney And Madonna!!!1

Posted by: Jen

Britney is back! Hooray! Apparently she did a guest appearance at Madonna's concert last night. She looks pretty! And cognizant! Britney, I never gave up on you, even when you insisted on wearing platform flip-flops around and subsisting on prescription drugs and iced frappuccinos.

Also, Madonna: holy thighs! I run marathons and I swear that is genetically impossible. Get down with your bad self!

People are being jerks today, so I'm looking at dresses instead of working.

Posted by: Kim

Dear Whoever Purchased My Birthday Party Dress of 2008,

Give it back. I need it. Unless you've been stuck with a Christmas-week birthday for going on 27 years too, you don't deserve it as much as I do.

XOXO,
Kim

The amazing site I found this on is here, and I would wear roughly 75% of these dresses. Unfortunately, roughly 85% of them call for a 23-inch waist. I know waistlines were higher back in the day, but ... I'm still thinking no.

Otters!

Posted by: Kim

I have already begun celebrating, and am appearing briefly here in my Merlot-fueled euphoria to express my joy that Jen has created an 'otters' tag for us.

In other news, Obama Baracks my socks off. Or something. Go blue! I'm looking at you, Pennsylvania.

Because Animal Pictures GO With Political Posts

Posted by: Jen

I looked almost as cute today when I was voting!

WHEN WILL THIS DAY BE OVER I HATE WAITING IT DRIVES ME CRAZY OMG OMG OMG!!!1

My plans tonight are 1.) Go for a run 2.) Go to bar and watch blue states light up 3.) Depending on outcome of how many blue states light up, run into street cheering wildly or drink more.

OBAMA FTW!

Posted by: Jen

Welp, tomorrow is the big day kiddies and we will be voting for Obama, in case you didn't know that by now! You all should too, dear readers, because this election is important, and I really think Obama is up for the job.

I am just really tired of people being closed minded, hateful bitches and would for once like to see the country elect a leader that is progressive. I am tired of the "us vs. them" mentality that so many on the right keep trying to play. I am tired of being called a fake American except when we are talking about 9/11. I am tired of people thinking its ok in 2008 to actively discriminate against someone for race, sexual orientation or gender. I am tired of people using religion for a reason to discriminate against others AND discriminating against people for following a certain religion (or not having one at all). I am tired of health care and the system being absolutely ridiculous (not to mention, "my health" being apparently unimportant). I am tired of seeing my tax money spent on stupid shit, like wars. I am tired of people refusing to believe that all people do not necessary come from an upper middle class white background and that not everyone has the same opportunities as others and then calling the less fortunate "lazy" for not making it. I am tired of being embarrassed of being an American, because you know what? People in other countries think we are absolute idiots over here, and from the past 8 years, I can't blame them. Let's prove them wrong tomorrow and elect a smart, competent, progressive leader for once.

Go Team Liberal Elitists!

Whatever, they're both stupid swing states anyway.

Posted by: Kim

Wow, my talent for predicting baseball championships is ... not, eh?

Oh well. Philly whut.

All Hallows Eve approacheth

Posted by: Kim

Telephone conversation of the day:

Kim: "I found gaping flesh wounds!"
Jen: "Oooooh. How much?"
Kim: "$9.99"
Jen: "Sweet! Get them. Did you get blood?"

Guess what we're going as?
I'll give you a hint: You're probably at least half wrong.

Whitney Port Shows She Has Learned Nothing From Diane, New York

Posted by: Jen

Oh look everyone, Whitney was back in LA yesterday looking like... Oh I don't even know, HELL? I was trying to think of something funny and it involved the phrase "80's puking up all over her" but JESUS, this is no time to be funny. Whitney, I liked you better before when you were well dressed and uninteresting. Now you're poorly dressed and uninteresting, well done. What would Diane say? What would Lauren say? Please tell me this is for Halloween and you are going as Vito, the kid from my Jr. High that thought he was super cool and everyone jokingly voted in as School Spirit Club leader, because he dressed like this every day and it wasn't even cool in 1994.

Oh, and another thing about GG:

Posted by: Kim

Nate and Jenny? I mean I guess we knew it was coming (but I guess I was also sort of hoping Josh Schwartz would surprise us) and I guess Nate and Jenny are kind of cute (although she, most certainly, was far cuter pre-turning into a raccoon) but, overall? ICKY.

I can't get past it. Kiddie porn! Kiddie porn! I mean, you can't cast some grownups to play teenagers AND some children to play teenagers and THEN LET THEM ACT LIKE TEENAGERS TOGETHER IN THE SEX KIND OF WAY. I mean, okay, so I know they just kissed, but, like, really. I'm so sure it will end there. ICKY. Like, either be Degrassi or be every other show about teenagers, but, eep.

I've been looking for an awesome gold dress ...

Posted by: Kim

Nicole Ritchie looks awesome and I want this dress:



In other news, I wanted to go look for pictures from tonight's Gossip Girl solely because I almost fell out of my seat when B sent C the "You win. Tonight." text (you know, pre-Dan Humphrey sucks, pre-America's collective heart breaks) and he received it while descending a staircase wearing a purple sweater and was totally the Hottest. Thing. Ever. I swear I'm a Nate girl, but, what? Maybe I'm not anymore? (Right, like that's even possible). But wardrobe is doing something way right this season with the Bass-tard, cause boy looks good walking away ... and approaching. And ... always. So yeah, either they've stepped up or they were doing something wrong by Ed Westwick last season, because I did not used to drool this much. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point, but, damn. Purple sweater. I know Jen approves of purple.

Anyway, right, I wanted to go look for pictures, but, I think I will wait until they come to me and go watch baseball until I fall asleep instead. Computers are hurting my eyes lately.

Also, I don't want the Phillies to win the World Series. That is all.

Nate And Little J? Ew.

Posted by: Jen

My my, Little J running around with a Corey Kennedy inspired Marissa's little sister with an Asian hipster "photographer" shooting them a la Last Night's Party. Hellooooo 2005, I forgot about you! Anyway, anyway, Nate, seeing that things were going awry, and unable to formulate a sentence quickly enough to keep Jenny from leaving into the dark Brooklyn night with the long lost members of the Mishapes, charges after her, rescues her from dancing in her underwear (so, if we've learned anything from S, blow and porn were soon to follow, so plus 1 for N) and then KISSES her. Are we supposed to swoon, because I gagged a little. And I know Nate is supposed to be sort of age appropriate on the show for Little J, but I kind of felt like I was watching the start of the eventual real-life porno that will come out. You know, after Taylor Momsen goes to rehab.

I Appreciate This:

Posted by: Jen

Really, I have to thank Heidi and Spencer for this one, and I know I said I wouldn't post about Heidi anymore because her choices in clothing, hair and boyfriends disappoints me but these pictures make me want to have a hug-it-out style reconciliation with her like she did with LC.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Best Picture I Have Seen All Week (no, really, even LOLCats can't top this):

YES! It is Heidi and Spencer with a gun and a six pack and matching McCain/Palin shirts! Flannel! Short denim shorts! Like, I know all of these things are supposed to outrage my east coast elitist liberal latte drinking self, but to tell you the truth, I love it. It is amazing, and I'm starting to wonder (a la my Lindsay Lohan legging line conspiracy theory), are Heidi and Spencer fooling the world with some kind of performance art about what is wrong with American culture and society and general?

Oh god, I love it. Seriously, I don't even care who they are really voting for (friends can have political differences!); I am a Heidi fan again... Look! Heidi is READING (she may be an elitist too!) a book titled "You Can Profit From A Monetary Crisis" while Spencer swills a Bud. If that isn't a "Chin up, America!" message, I don't know what is.

Thanks for making my day, you crazy kids. Oh, and LC, you still have yet to impress me AT all, not to mention in this kind of awesome way.

Too tired too function. Will mindlessly daydream up places to wear couture instead of attempting social interaction and/or general human activity.

Posted by: Kim

Weird week, too much work, too fast, too much vodka, too much talking to people I didn't think I'd be talking to, too much apologizing for things that don't matter, too much cold, too much Claritin, not enough glasses of water per day, and where the hell is my amazing Sephora lip gloss?!

I like next week better already, but, until then, here's a really pretty dress:


Reese Witherspoon in November Vogue.

Jen, remember when I said you could wear whatever dress you wanted in my wedding party? I changed my mind. It might be black tie, and this might be the MOH and BM requirement. I'm sure you won't feel like paying your rent that year anyway.

Chace Channels... Everyone. And Looks Incredible As Usual.

Posted by: Jen

Well well, there is my pretty pretty friend all dolled up on the cover of a magazine I have never heard of. What is that? Chuck's bow-tie? Dylan's hair? Dawson's plaid flannel (ok, that one was a reach, but you know what I am going for here)?

Can we take a minute to talk about his eyebrows? They are AMAZING! Do you think he waxes/threads/plucks? No real human can have such flawless eyebrows, and I know this as fact based on my never ending battle with mine. In real life, my eyebrow inspiration is Jennifer Connolly, and I was actually doing quite well until I decided they were uneven, so I tried to shape them and now they are just thinner and STILL uneven (sigh), which brings me back to my original question -- how does he get them so perfect?!

Why Is My Boyfriend NOT An Agreeable Lifesize Ken Doll?

Posted by: Jen

No for real, hear me out. I am not trying to give my boyfriend (henceforth known as MB for My Boyfriend) a makeover and I think he is 100% fine (FINE! Roar!) but sometimes I really wish he would take a tip or two from me. For instance, while MB dresses completely appropriately most of the time excluding every weekend between Memorial Day 2007 and Labor Day 2007 in which he wore a bathing suit as shorts, I just wish he would believe me about the simple things, like checks. Or purple. Or a shoe that is not square toed and black.

Case in point, my little friend from Jamaica, Queens:

I would send MB to work like that, clearly, with a little bit of tailoring as it would not fall like that on his slight British frame. But yeah, mismatched suit! Color. Thanks for doing the world a service Fifty (Fitty? Oh, lolz!) and showing that men can wear pink and look badass.

Also, I refuse to beleive the whole "pink is for gay men and girls" thing. Own it boys, especially if you have the right complexion for it! MB does not, which is why I encourage purple in his case. But seriously, why do you guys want to go around looking like a recently graduated Sigma Nu brother in a blue shirt and yellow tie? You are doing yourselves -- nay, THE WORLD -- a huge disservice!

Lastly, as I know a mismatched suit with pink accents and pointy shoes is completely out of the question for dear MB, I have suggested the following shoes to him, worn a la Ferris:

SEE? YES! This is seriously ALL I want and MB refuses to believe me. It looks hot. WHY does he doubt me? Also, that pic above is how I picture MB and I when we are 40, btw. I will have broken him by then...

Awww :(

Posted by: Kim

Well-played, Tampa Bay. Well-played Boston as well, just ... not well enough.

So ... it's the Phillies and the Rays.

I have no real feeling either way, and they've got equally as motivating backstories for an historic WS victory, so, I'll just predict:

Rays in 5. Okay, so I really think it's going to be Rays in 4, but, I'm giving the Phillies one because it's not nice to count the NL out so completely even though I sort of always do.

WHAT.

Posted by: Kim


American Girl is RETIRING SAMANTHA PARKINGTON! My first style icon ever! The one whose influence resulted in me prancing around pretending I was a poor little Victorian rich girl for years of my youth while my parents patiently explained to me that the women's suffrage movement was no longer of issue!

Apparently all the 21st-Century dolls they've come out with are making the classic originals null and void? W.T.F. I am really losing faith in the world. Aren't American Girls supposed to be about the history? And now they TAKE AWAY SAMANTHA?! SHE IS THE BEST ONE! God. And, as an added un-bonus, this means Nellie will be retired too!

Whatever. My Samantha doll is having a grand old time in my parents' basement with my sister's Kirsten doll, I'm sure, but I pity the youth of the future who are going to be stuck with all the stupid new dolls.

What's next? GG retires Blair Waldorf?

Disgusted disgusted disgusted.

In honor of Jen fixing my colors ...

Posted by: Kim

... I bring you, photographic evidence that Jen exists!

The other weekend we got obscenely and awesomely overdressed for the bar we were headed to and drank two fishbowls, encountered a waitress who was not wearing pants, and had a cab photoshoot, and then Jen told off a couple of randoms who made the stupid kissy noise at us circa 4:30-ish in the morning.

Jen was wearing an adorable purple Alice + Olivia dress. When we woke up one of the straps was broken and the cat was using it as a bed. I was wearing an amazing Zara cocktail dress. When fishbowl #2 arrived, I quite literally picked up the decorative-and-functional alligator it included and poured its contents (grenadine) directly onto said dress instead of into the fishbowl.

It was that kind of night.

Anyway, here's Jen and a fishbowl WITH PINK AND BLUE STRAWS OMG THE WORLD HAS CAUGHT ONTO US!


Shame you can't see her excellent dress. Or boots. But ask the Queen of the Shopping WIN how much she scored that Chanel watch for ;) It's impressive as always.

Happy weekend. Steer clear of fishbowls.

Kim, I Fixed Your Colors!

Posted by: Jen

And now, to quell my rage, a cute animal picture:

Dear John McCain, Ask Me How Much I Care About "Your Health"

Posted by: Jen

Now I know this is a few days late, but I've been busy and I'm extra cranky right now because I just ran 20 miles in preparation for my next marathon. So seriously J. Mac, that was the biggest asshole move of the century. Thanks for telling me you could give a shit about my health -- as if we already didn't know from your stellar healthcare plan -- but I'm really glad you could drive it home and say you don't care about women. Please remember you are REALLY old and fuck you. xoxo, Jen

ALSO!

Dear Sarah Palin, stop shitting all over anything that's not small town America and then coming to New York City and saying "9/11! The Terrorists! USA USA USA!" Seriously, I refuse for you to criticize me for having all of my teeth and knowing how to read for one minute and then trying to unite with me over our (non)mutual hatred of the (OMG!!!1) terrorists the next. It's disgusting, cloying and if we ever met, my thoughts on you would be much more direct and succinct, that's to be sure.

I'm totes an American, so stop saying I'm not to rally to your stupid base that probably doesn't even exist. I hate the fact that you have a Joe Six Pack and a Joe Plumber and assume that your average American is a dumbass white male redneck, and he should be proud of it. All citizens should be insulted because I don't believe that your average American is really like that -- they are much smarter than you give them credit for. Also, last time I checked I wasn't part of the state trying to succeed from the US. xoxo, Jen

PS: Dinosaurs and humans NEVER co-existed, and most "average" Americans can tell you that, dontchaknow.