Things I'm NOT OKAY With This Month:

Posted by: Kim

Absolutely not.

You can read about this fuckery here.

I mean, if you've read this blog ever you know I succumbed to the Twilight phenomenon to an extent, but, Line. Drawn. No no no way. As I declared all over Facebook the other day, the only thing that calmed me after I was made aware of this ridiculousness was the mental image of Crazy!Fans in 'I Heart Boys Who Sparkle' tee-shirts and golden contacts storming the shelves at Barnes & Noble only to discover that the GREATEST BOOK OF ALL TIME is written in Old English and nothing like what they were expecting. So, basically, reveling in the disappointment of children. But hey. WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Do not attach Bella's name to it. God.

Also, this:

Well I suppose this is a spoiler, and I'm going to rant about it for a minute immediately following this link, so I'd stop reading now if you really wanted to be (unpleasantly!) surprised in the theatre with your gummi bears and tissues while watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

FAIL.

That's all.

Well, actually. To be succint, as Jen put it: I want to leave the theatre with no reason to live! I don't want to be uplifted! God.

Agree.

World, what is wrong with you this month?

I don't understand sports, men or society -- not to mention the English language -- so help me answer this question:

Posted by: Jen

When applied to a man, the word "bitch" means:

Quitter Dog

Woman

It's just a word and since it is not applied in the typical fashion (ie: to a woman), it has no meaning

ugg boots

Chocolate Is REALLY Good, Okay!?

Posted by: Jen

Chris: hear about that dude that died by falling in a vat of chocolate?

very willy wonka like!

Jennifer: no, I saw your Twitter though and wasn't sure what it was about...

Chris: yeah, was in a cab and i saw that and i wanted to look up more about it today

Jennifer: you know, that would really ruin chocolate for me -- if I drowned in a giant vat of it.

Chris: how about if you saw someone drown in it? Like everytime you take a bite you might be eating the guy you saw?

Jennifer: I'd still be ok with it as long as I knew I wasn't eating the death chocolate.

Chris: hmmmm inteeresting...

Jennifer: well alright, I got really sick off of indian food and that didn't stop me from loving curry, so I'd imagine if I witnessed a chocolate drowning I'd be ok.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1198530/Death-chocolate-Factory-worker-meets-sweet-end-falling-vat-cocoa.html

On Surviving An Emergency

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: When I worked at that summer camp one summer during college, the head of the camp had like this THING about thunderstorms. Like, the minute there was a cloud in the sky she'd FREAK out and be like, "THUNDERSTORM! QUICK! EVERYONE INSIDE!" She was so freaky about it the little kids picked up on it and even the ones who weren't scared of storms became really frightened! It was bizarre.
Kim: i am mildly confused. so, they are telling us not to stand in a baseball field or next to a tree
Jennifer: oh that was my point.
Kim: so ... like if we must be outside, what IS preferred? in the bushes?
Jennifer: Obviously we learned thunderstorm safety at camp and you are NOT SUPPOSED to go under a tree! If anything, like if you have a choice between a tree and a field, you are supposed to lie face down in the field.
Kim: NUH UH! i did not learn that, i just learned to get in the car because of the tires.
Jennifer: because it drastically reduces your chances of being hit!
Kim: hahahahahaha
Jennifer: and also, if you do get struck it hits you in the back, protecting your vital organs AND since your body is spread out it kind of spreads out the impact
Kim: lol, if you have the choice between tree or baseball field... amazing.
Jennifer: yeah, I learned that from Sandy, head camp mistress extraordinaire.
Kim: that is all excellent advice.
Jennifer: no, she was insane.
Kim: i would have a real problem with lying face down in a baseball field whilst lighting flashed all around me though, not gonna lie.
Jennifer: lol exactly, I'd take my chances and run!
Kim: that's kind of like how they are like, if you fall onto the subway tracks, do not move. Just calmly wait away from the electric rail as the train passes.
Jennifer: Umm if I fell in the track I would climb out immediately if the train wasn't coming...
Kim: i know! And if the train was coming, i would immediately die. Of terror. So.
Jennifer: well then you'd die anyway of train so it wouldn't matter.
Kim: well i suppose you could hang out in the little gravel pit alongside it and hope for no sparks or shrapnel or off-tracking.
Jennifer: I would lie down in the middle I think.
Kim: WHAT!
Jennifer: because it would probably go over you; that's how people have lived before!
Kim: IT WOULD NOT. i think i would fare best in emergency situations on boats or airplanes, because on the plane when they are like, 'please secure your own oxygen mask before helping any elders or infants' i am like, duh. And on a boat, well, i don't know... i am a fast swimmer but whine in cold water so i might be screwed.
Oh, if i were in a car and it fell in water, omg. i mean, i know you are supposed to calmly stay put and let the car fill up with water so that you may easily open the door once equilibrium is attained. But LIKE HELL.
That reminds me I need to start keeping a baseball bat on me at all times.
Jennifer: you could also kick out the windshield pretty easily pre-sinkage, Oprah said so.
Kim: maybe you could? of course, i would be trapped by my seat belt with two broken ankles or whatever.
Jennifer: good thing you don't need ankles to swim!
Kim: this does not mean i condone not wearing seat belts. Also how much would it suck if you fell in the water, and then waited for the car to fill, all while sinking, and then got out and a shark ate you?
That would also happen to me.
Jennifer: ok well, we don't live near sharks, so it's fine. I would worry more about letting the car fill and then not being able to get out.
Kim: i live near so many sharks.
Jennifer: there are no sharks in MA! Are there?
Kim: of course! i mean, they PREFER a warmer climate, but they are here... Did you not see JAWS?
Jennifer: My point was Jaws too actually; I was going to go, "Jaws was fake!"
Kim: there was a great white swimming around in shallow water for weeks on the cape within the past few summers, and the lifeguards do drills. Rarely, but they do them. Those were like, petrifying as a child.

On missing pink. And pretty dresses.

Posted by: Kim

Once upon a time in the fall of 2005, I decided I wanted to dye my hair brunette. Jen was fully on board with this idea and offered to help. To no fault of her (although it is arguable that both of us could have been a little more hasty when considering the possible outcomes of applying very dark brown Duane Reade hair dye to blonde hair), 30 minutes or so later, the water in our shower was running purple.


Thus began my Goth Period, if only in hair. Once in a Starbucks the barista asked if my eyes were fake, so drastic was black hair to my overall appearance. I was pretty much a vampire, before they all had gold eyes instead of just really light eyes.


Anyway, 12 months and numerous visits to a stylist later and I finally had normal colored hair again without massive damage, and now am an adamant salon-goer. And I have achieved several different shades of brunette hair over the past few years, and liked it. However, it doesn't hold well and upkeep is expensive and I am saving all my money to quit life and travel the world, and so finally a few weeks ago I decided to go back.


I have sort of been regretting it ever since, because, despite the fact that blonde is in no way a first-time thing for me, I suddenly find myself convinced that I can wear no colors other than shades of blue, and can confirm in no uncertain terms that my hot pink headband with the palm trees on it seriously loses impact against blonde hair.


So every pretty dress I have encountered over the past week, of course, has been pink.


Up first, Marion Cotillard:




This is just So. Cute. Come on. It is. And it's a spinner, and I want it, and I would probably wear it three times a week including to work and Trader Joes. And I would spin. Alas, convinced it would wash me out right now.

And then we have Blake Lively:



Before someone inevitably and immediately jumps up to inform me that Blake is blonde and I am dumb/shallow/a huge bitch/recession unsympathetic/etc., I know that (she is blonde, not the other stuff). But pretty much if you googled the opposite of what I look like, all thousand feet tall of Blake Lively would probably pop up (except we both have kind of ... abundant ... hair), and so she can do magical mystical pink things I cannot. Also I don't have a spray tan. Anyway. Look how great this is! It is the pinkest thing I have ever seen! And I really like her shoes, and I would also wear this everywhere and glow in the dark and love every second of it. If it would not look absolutely ridiculous on me. Which it would. Sigh.

Btw, pink is not my favorite color. It probably really comes across that way, but I swear I type in pink and Jen in blue because in college when my mother would send us Easter baskets she always themed mine pink and Jen's blue and we found that sort of hilarious.

Why Can't People Just Be Normal?

Posted by: Jen

Jennifer: what is Dickchicken (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776?ref=pymk#/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776)?
omg, I hate them
"it's a litmus test"
lol
a litmus test for being a tool?

Chris: they graffiti all over Williamsburg
you always see it and it's irritating
cause they obviously think they are being clever

Jennifer: but Chris, if you were cool and clever you would like it!!!
genitals + farm animals = hip and edgy

Chris: yah according to them , it's all about having a sense of humor

Jennifer: If I could roll my eyes harder I would cause permanent damage.

On The Great Outdoors...

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: I think I am going to buy one of those traveling backpacks!
Kim: nuh-uh! really?
Jennifer: yeah, like a big one… not ginormous, but I think they are often easier to handle.
I also read that airports and train stations in Europe tend to have a lot of stairs and not escalators.
Kim: hmmm. Ok, find us backpacks and I will buy one too. We will be so cute!
Jennifer: I know! Ha, plus if we're walking to our hotel it will be easier with a backpack than a suitcase!
Kim: yeah that is true. This will be my first experience traveling in Europe where I’m not coming from London so I could just pack in a like duffel bag, or on family vacation so there was a car. So where do we buy backpacks from? These will be so clutch for GREECE, OMG. LOL!
Jennifer: yeah and wherever else we go ever -- I want to go to Italy too!
Jennifer: http://www.sonomaoutfitters.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=31625%21025
Kim: Eeeeee! Hahaha!
I am going to look SO. FUNNY. with a backpack.
Jennifer: And the bonbon dress! (http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Feature_Assortment/NewArrivals/dresses/PRDOVR~15324/15324.jsp)
Kim: I am glad you immediately imagined that too, because I went right there with the visual.
So how does this backpack work? Can I get a red one?
Jennifer: sure
Kim: where is a red one? I have no idea how to shop for this!
Jennifer: I will probably go to EMS or something… do we have those in NY?
Kim: you either have to tell me, or I will go to EMS and somehow buy whatever they say
LOL
Jennifer: yeah I don't know if we do. I know there is a campy outdoors store near Union Square though
Kim: why?
Jennifer: I don't know, some NY people like to say they are outdoorsy I guess
Kim: I am outdoorsy. Meaning I like outdoors.
Not bugs. or camping.
Here’s the thing: camping is SO DUMB.
Okay, like the things about camping I like are the water sports and nature walks and neither of those require sleeping on the dirt or bug spray, so why throw that into the mix?
Also like the only coffee option is INSTANT!!! It is so not fun.
Jennifer: I like camping but only if there are showers, and a tent with a floor.
When I used to go camping with my friends, in the morning I would get up and drive like 20 minutes to get coffee
Kim: haha excellent! Mine were all like, you have not eaten eggs until they were cooked over campfire! And I was like, lukewarm and there's a bug in it, can we go to Starbucks?!
Like I swear I am not high maintenance but.
Jennifer: I also don't really like getting dirty that much, which is why the shower is necessary… I have been to ones that don't have it and I had to go in a river after running. Oh god.
Kim: yeah, this is why I hold that 'outdoorsy' is so arbitrary; there is good and bad of it. It's the people who must convince the world they are outdoorsy by not showering and sleeping on the ground that give those of us who like to shower a bad name!
Jennifer: I also hate camping clothing because it means I wear my running clothes all the time… like, you can't wear anything good because it's not outdoorsy, so suddenly I'm wearing a sports bra 24/7
Kim: I know! And the 'cool' outdoorsy clothes are so not… like hiking boots and ugly colored fleeces and dirty pants
Jennifer: I know… I feel like a lot of people would make fun of us about this
Kim: well it's true though! Like, I’m sure the track team was not quite the same, but similar to the sailing and there were those athletes at school who were so like, here is my backpack and my hiking keychain and my steel water bottle and my Lauren Conrad braid before she did them and my no makeup and I was like, I aspire never to be that girl.
Jennifer: yeah no, most of them we hiking outdoorsy people and they were all HIKING ROCK CLIMBING YEAH and I was like, aren't you tired from running, don't you want to watch a movie?
Kim: like the second we'd get out of a boat they'd be like, let's go climb a mountain or ski!
Or shop, but for $800 fleece camping sleep pants or something absurd…
A thousand dollar watch that tells you what continent you're on. IN CASE YOU GET THAT LOST.
Jennifer: I can tell you what continent I'm on without a watch. And god help me if I ever get that lost and think a watch will save me.
Kim: Exactly! I am like, okay if I were lost in the woods in an unknown continent I am pretty much fucked. And will rely on common sense and adorability -- adorability helps in being rescued. I mean, know your strengths and weaknesses, people!!!
Jennifer: yeah I feel like at that point knowing that you stumbled into Africa won't really make a difference
Kim: I am not the type of person whose camping gear and skill would save her
So, I’d just try to be nice and hope a bear didn’t eat me, I guess.