The Most Amazing Thing That Happened To Me This Week

Posted by: Kim

I went to the bank on my lunch break to raise my checking account balance above the $4 mark, and after doing so decided I was rich enough to afford a XXX Vitamin Water and headed into CVS.

After picking up my beverage, I wandered over to the shampoo and conditioner aisle, as I'd been running dangerously low on the latter of late and my hair had been starting to rebel and break off at the ends.

Walking from the drink aisle to the conditioner aisle, I had an odd sense that I was being followed. Said sense was confirmed as fact when I turned curiously in the conditioner aisle to find a tiny (as in she came up to my boobs and I am 5'3") Asian woman standing thisclose to me.

I blinked. 'Hi?'

Tiny Asian Woman: 'Hello. Do you work here?'

K (glances around awkwardly, then looks self-dressed-in-business-casual-attire-sans-CVS-apron-and-holding-purse-XXX-and-Herbal Essences Long-Term Relationship up and down): 'Um, no.'

TAW (whipping out pamphlet): 'Have you accepted Jesus into your life?'

K (oh hell no): 'Um, you know. No. Yes. No. I'm sorry. I have to get back to work.'

I began to flee CVS, making a left at the candy aisle, door in sight, unwelcome memories of my Catholic upbriging and the Act Of Contrition and my 7-year-old self in a white satin dress at First Communion flashing across my brain, as TAW, henceforth Jesus' Teeny Disciple nipped at my heels, chirping about salvation and purgatory and then:

'WAIT! Would you like an m&m?'

Obviously I stopped. Dead. In. My. Tracks. Because, 1) Obviously, yes, I would like an m&m; but more importantly, 2) The hell? I turned around slowly, (I'm sure) one eyebrow cocked inquisitively, and Jesus' Teeny Disciple proceeded to grab a family-sized bag of m&m's (the dark chocolate kind in the purple bag, my favorite - yes, god, I noticed, if that was in fact your intention) and tear it open with such ferocity that the contents flew about the store in a flurry of heaven-sent magical chocolate hail.

I clearly began laughing so hard I could not stand upright or breathe properly, and eventually began crying as a result. Obviously a manager appeared from nowhere, and was laughing at my laugh-crying before he even spoke.

'Ahem. Is there a ... problem here?'

Jesus' Teeny Disciple shook her head, eyes wide. 'No, sir. I was just trying to talk to your employee here about accepting Jesus into her life before it's too late!'

K: 'I DO NOT work here!'

I then plunked my XXX Vitamin Water and conditioner amongst the candy aisle chaos and hit the pavement outside with laugh-tears streaming down my cheeks, unable to speak as the cop patrolling the BofA door next door came over to see what all the fuss was about. Of course he did.

I got in my car just as the manager was escorting Jesus' Teeny Disciple from his store, apparently without pressing any charges concerning the m&m violation.

It will take something spectacular to top that. m&m Jesus hail.