In Which I Talk About a Movie, and I Probably Say Some Stuff That Happens In It, So, Be Warned.

Posted by: Kim


My (and Jen's) awesome friend Sam and I took advantage of the neverending downpours to spend Saturday night at the movies. We're not what you'd consider huge movie-goers (my 'I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ...' list tends to have between zero and two movies on it, and they generally include zombies, a natural disaster, a serial killer or an Olsen twin), so we had absolutely no idea what was even showing, but a quick search pointed us in the direction of the nearest feel-good, tear-jerker sports movie, because, who can't get behind that?

As we were sneaking in our purchased-off-the-premises lattes, Sam said, "Oh, you know what? I think I have heard of this already. Dan from Gossip Girl is in it." I proceeded to shove my latte at her, flail around for a little while, and then text Jen this exciting news. Response: "OMG! I WANT TO SEE THAT!" And so, my entirely qualified review:

It was borderline, as in I certainly cried, but I also laughed more than once when I'm pretty sure nothing was meant to be funny. Theatre-wise, I would recommend it in case of a downpour and no current zombie option. Netflix-wise, sure. Free-on-TV-wise, absolutely. Purchase-wise, no. It's uplifting in the vein of "Remember the Titans," but does not come close to the Personal Movie Shelf-worthiness of such gems as "Miracle" and "Friday Night Lights" (the movie, as movies are the point of this post, and, plus, I have not seen the tv show).

Rugby is apparently America's Next Favorite Sport, but, well, I seem to remember them saying that about soccer rather recently and look how that's working out. Anyway, judging from this movie (and I'm told this movie does not, in fact, do real rugby justice and rugby aficionados will scoff) it is quite the nasty, badass sport, and should I ever come into possession of a boyfriend who participates in this sport, I will alternate between parading him around like the sheer AWESOME that he is, and rocking back and forth in the fetal position while I stress about his various important bones being crunched and his face getting ripped off. So, you know. Hockey but even scarier. Or, I guess, as Some Dude in the movie says, "so it's kinda like football AND soccer." Except then the main guy is like "it's kinda like RUGBY." Ha. Love sports movies. But anyway, yeah, so, rugby's badass and it's undeniable because, really. They more than once make jokes about lacrosse being for sissies, so, right.

So, in a nutshell, there's this bad boy rugby star (henceforth Our Hero) in Arizona, playing for his Evil Dad's team. You know Evil Dad's super-assy because he doesn't even shake the rival coach's hand after the game. Plus, he's got really creepy eyes. Our Hero and his friends/teammates (including Dan, with ridiculous chin fuzz, whose character's name is LARS! LARS!) are all rich, drunk brats with attitudes and pharmaceutical addictions, and they have parties and hot chicks and drive drunk a lot.

The latter gets Our Hero thrown in juvie in Salt Lake City, where a Goonie saves his life by forcing him to play rugby with the way awesomer rival rugby team of his Assy Arizona team. Of course, Highland, as this team is called, is full of the exact opposite type of kids as the Assy Arizona team. They work out 35 hours a day and don't drink, drug, or sex anything, and they also plant trees and read to cancer patients. Meanwhile, their coach is the coolest man alive and saves the lives of millions boys by non-coaching them from a lawn chair.

Obviously Our Hero hates everything for a while and eats Vicoden out of a rugby ball that Dan sent him, but eventually he comes around and everyone loves him except for this one guy who was in "Miracle" but that's mostly because Our Hero keeps hitting on his sister, who is this crazy platinum blonde cross between Jessica Alba and Mandy Moore. He is so adored he becomes team captain, and eventually the team (with a small time out for a tear-jerking tragedy) is on their way to nationals, where they will, of course, be playing Assy Arizona!

But of course, Evil Dad shows up and announces that Our Hero has been sprung from juvie for good behavior, and has to come home and tell Assy Arizona all of Holy Highland's secrets.

I will let you guess what happens.

I will also let you ponder what CRAZY twist could possibly occur concerning Evil Dad and Holy Highland's Savior Coach.

BUT DID I MENTION, that Holy Highland does this super-cool, super-intimidating "Ka mate Haka" that rugby players in New Zealand (and apparently the real-life Highland team) do? I had to Wiki this when I got home because I was so simultaneously confused/impressed (which, interestingly, is how the opposing teams all seemed to feel throughout the movie). Here's a link, if you're down.

Overall, not a bad way to spend a downpour. A bit too contrived and cheesy, and it felt like it went on for 3 hours (in reality, it is just under 2), but, I cried and cursed cheating and unsportsmanlike behavior under my breath a few times, and lots of boys got dirty and bloody. What more can you really ask for from a feel-good sports movie?