Obama Is High Fashion; McCain Is Catalogue

Posted By: Jen

So I've had a few margaritas and I have major alergies and I can't stop sneezing and it's annoying. But ANYWAY. ANYWAY. Yo, republicans, can you stop being such hateful bitches (and I mean that in a completely non-sexist way since you people are all up on feminism all of the sudden)? I am anxiously awaiting McCain's speech right now, and I will try not to break my tv when he inevitably starts spewing vitriol all over the place (or did he just forget to take his pills?). I just look at that convention and it blows. my. mind. because I know no one who would ever yell "Drill baby, drill" or "USA" in an unironic way. Oh god, I'm scared. And looking into getting citizenship in the EU if he wins. Props to Obama for keeping it classy!

10:17pm: OH! He's on! And he has a nerdy voice! I know I am not supposed to do that because he was a POW, but I can't help it.

10:18: They are chanting USA again. I hope France isn't watching.

10:19: Shout out to the redneck with the sign! OH, OH 9/11! 9/11! TEH TERRORISTS ARE COMING TO GET US! The crowd goes wild.

10:20: USA USA USA? AGAIN? Fucking A. Shout out to Laura Bush. Ok, she's cool. Whatev.

10:21: Cindy! Your hair looks excellent! Cindy is his inspiration... Hmm, I thought she was a "cunt"? No? I didn't say it.

10:22: HIS MOM. Oh man she looks like she could cut a bitch. How old is she? Like one million? Oh, he just said she's 96. How old is McCain?

10:23: He will not let us down.

10:24: McCain respects Obama. Ok. Ok. Let's go with it, even though I think it's complete bullshit.

10:25: Do you know we are endowed by our creator with inalienable rights? He only means white men, I'm sure, but that sounds nice. Oh and he thinks he's gonna win. I'll see to that, Johnny, I will.

10:26: You wan't prosperity AND peace? Shit. J Mc mentions tough times (you know, that pesky economy?) and the crowd chants "USA! USA!" What, do they like recessions now? Are they proud of it? Well at least they can own it, which is far more than like, Russia ever did when people were waiting in line for bread.

10:27: McCain pleads for them to stop chanting. I think even he is embarassed for them. He tries to mention serious economical issues and the crowd yells "USA" again. Sigh. Asshats. He mentions Palin. Ohhhh man. Cheers. Her hair is back up into its crazyness, not that I am supposed to be talking about that. Because it does not matter. Unlike Hillary's pantsuits, apparently.

10:28: She did shit for Alaska, where like three people and a team of sled dogs live. Awesome. Why are people giving my boy Barry shit for not having experience?

10:29: SHE IS A MOTHER! IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW! PITBULL WITH LIPSTICK BITCHES!!!

10:30: McCain warns Washington about Palin and the change that is coming... Hasn't he been in Washington for like 100 years? Just sayin'.

10:31: Oh you will leave your problems for some other generation to fix dude. That's what babyboomers do! Get over yourself.

10:32: He just called himself a maverick. Is that allowed? Isn't that one of those things only other people can call you? My cat is drinking out of my water glass. Another issue.

10:33: Big spenders wasting my money? He John, let's talk about that thing known as the war. Pork and barrel? Oh, let's talk about those lucrative government military contracts.

10:34: HE HAS FOUGHT AGAINST UNION BOSSES. My father will not be pleased. The nerve of those people, wanting safe working conditions and fair pay! Also, his country cannot lose a war. Who are we, the Patriots?

10:35: Awww, he thanks the brave men and women overseas! You know, the ones he will not give a shit about once they return and need psychological counseling, education and employment.

10:36: What are you fighting for John? BILL AND SUE IN FARMINGTON HILLS, MICHIGAN! They lost their house! Also Frank and Toni in Pennsylvania. They have an autistic son. What do these people have to do with anything? Are they terrorist targets? I bet Frank and Toni have a hell of a time getting health care coverage for their son. Let's talk about that.

10:37: TEH TERRORISTS! AHHHHHHH!

10:38: Reform government? Ok, alright. I'm down. Oil? Dependence on? Ummm, let's ask one G.W. Bush about that. I hear he's best buddies with Saudi Arabia.

10:39: I HAVE GOD-GIVEN POTENTIAL and that "Latina daughter of the dock worker" is an American too! YAY! Let us pray! We are also a "culture of light", how meta.

10:40: Justices that are impartial? Let's talk about the last few appointed by our fair prez.

10:41: GOVERNMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU?! Heeeeee. He obviously means everywhere except my uterus. He calls Barry "my opponent". He who shall not be mentioned. Like the Candyman. Or that guy in Harry Potter.

10:42: Barry's also gonna make us all socialists, in case you were wondering. I think we should all have identical uniforms designed by Isaac Mizrahi, if that happens. And he's dissing state run healthcare. I think he's full of crap because my boyfriend (who is obviously infallible, ha) is from England and he says it's great.

10:43: He's gonna change the economy? Cool. He's going to "help workers that lost a job that won't come back, find a new one that won't go away!" So like that guy who works in the factory? He can get a job at Google no problem. At a decent wage.

10:44: Education! "The civil rights issue of this century". I am confused? Failing schools? I am kind of mad at him right now, because if your kid does shitty at school it is not the teacher's fault, really... More the parents who don't give a damn. Oh I think he's talking about vouchers. I need to read more about that, so I cannot pass judgment. I do however, think his tie sucks.

10:47: We're not sending money to countries that "don't like us very much" if he is elected. I worry that means "Africa, where they need help with AIDS". Ohhhh shit, he wants to drill offshore. How about we invest money into renewable energy before it's too late and save the polar bears while were at it?

10:48: Ok, he read my mind. He wants to research new forms of energy. Fine. Apparently Obama is a bad man for not wanting to drill and liking polar bears. To each his own.

10:50: NEW JOBS WILL BE CREATED! So that dude who lost his job in the factory? He can become a scientist and learn how to harness the wind and turn it into electricity. USA! USA!

10:51: IRAN!!! RUSSIA!!! Hahahahah, are we in 1980? Iran is crazy and Russia is part of the EU. Ignore Iran and Russia will work itsself out. Georgia needs our prayers though; those evil Russians! THE COLD WAR MIGHT COME BACK! Isn't this what the EU was formed for? Can't they deal? Well, it doesn't matter, because J Mc is NOT afraid.

10:52: His eyes kind of drift apart when he reads the teleprompter. Just saying. He mentions WWII. This will get the grandparent vote. He wants peace though. I'll believe him because most people don't want to fight (except Russia and Iran) and would rather eat ice cream and look at kittens, I'm sure.

10:54: He just seriously mentioned every issue in one sentence. He then mentions that new fangled "technology". LOL. I wonder if he can email? Or do you think he also thinks chat is like an email and writes it like this: "Dear Sarah, You look pretty tonight. Say something about Jesus. XOXO, John"?

10:55: I stopped listening. He mentioned scars. He was a POW people! Do not speak ill of him.

10:56: Bi-partisan, accountablity, transparency are all wonderful things. I don't know if he means it. He's very aw-shucks-y. I'd prob go to his house and eat cookies with him and play chess.

10:57: He was blessed for going to war. And because he was captured. It is kind of a scary story, like I do feel bad for him and it is horrible. Aw. Oh god, this hurts my cold heart. He couldn't feed himself. I'm an asshole. No, not really; that is a totally valid story, and he was brave and I respect it, but I still do not like his ideas. And I don't think being a POW makes you automatically qualified to be president.

11:01: He kind of reminds me of my dad when he tells a story. This is actually really interesting, and he's a good story teller. Still though, this is not relevant.

11:02: They just showed the ONLY black people in the audience.

11:03: Aw John, we can be friends. You just can't be president and history has NOT "anointed you to save this country in the hour of its need".

11:04: John, I will admit, you show a lot of class. Much more than your VP. He just told people to try to make a difference in their communities, I agree. Too bad your VP has a high likelihood of becoming prez. And she scares me.

11:05: Stop mentioning God.

11:06: Stand up and fight! I'm volunteering for Planned Parenthood; do your part kiddies. I don't think that's what he meant, but isn't that bi-partisanship at its finest?

Sooo... That was way moderate and I wouldn't be so frightened if he hadn't picked Palin as his VP. Her values are way out there and it makes me wonder what he's really thinking...