Things I'm NOT OKAY With This Month:

Posted by: Kim

Absolutely not.

You can read about this fuckery here.

I mean, if you've read this blog ever you know I succumbed to the Twilight phenomenon to an extent, but, Line. Drawn. No no no way. As I declared all over Facebook the other day, the only thing that calmed me after I was made aware of this ridiculousness was the mental image of Crazy!Fans in 'I Heart Boys Who Sparkle' tee-shirts and golden contacts storming the shelves at Barnes & Noble only to discover that the GREATEST BOOK OF ALL TIME is written in Old English and nothing like what they were expecting. So, basically, reveling in the disappointment of children. But hey. WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Do not attach Bella's name to it. God.

Also, this:

Well I suppose this is a spoiler, and I'm going to rant about it for a minute immediately following this link, so I'd stop reading now if you really wanted to be (unpleasantly!) surprised in the theatre with your gummi bears and tissues while watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

FAIL.

That's all.

Well, actually. To be succint, as Jen put it: I want to leave the theatre with no reason to live! I don't want to be uplifted! God.

Agree.

World, what is wrong with you this month?

I don't understand sports, men or society -- not to mention the English language -- so help me answer this question:

Posted by: Jen

When applied to a man, the word "bitch" means:

Quitter Dog

Woman

It's just a word and since it is not applied in the typical fashion (ie: to a woman), it has no meaning

ugg boots

Chocolate Is REALLY Good, Okay!?

Posted by: Jen

Chris: hear about that dude that died by falling in a vat of chocolate?

very willy wonka like!

Jennifer: no, I saw your Twitter though and wasn't sure what it was about...

Chris: yeah, was in a cab and i saw that and i wanted to look up more about it today

Jennifer: you know, that would really ruin chocolate for me -- if I drowned in a giant vat of it.

Chris: how about if you saw someone drown in it? Like everytime you take a bite you might be eating the guy you saw?

Jennifer: I'd still be ok with it as long as I knew I wasn't eating the death chocolate.

Chris: hmmmm inteeresting...

Jennifer: well alright, I got really sick off of indian food and that didn't stop me from loving curry, so I'd imagine if I witnessed a chocolate drowning I'd be ok.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1198530/Death-chocolate-Factory-worker-meets-sweet-end-falling-vat-cocoa.html

On Surviving An Emergency

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: When I worked at that summer camp one summer during college, the head of the camp had like this THING about thunderstorms. Like, the minute there was a cloud in the sky she'd FREAK out and be like, "THUNDERSTORM! QUICK! EVERYONE INSIDE!" She was so freaky about it the little kids picked up on it and even the ones who weren't scared of storms became really frightened! It was bizarre.
Kim: i am mildly confused. so, they are telling us not to stand in a baseball field or next to a tree
Jennifer: oh that was my point.
Kim: so ... like if we must be outside, what IS preferred? in the bushes?
Jennifer: Obviously we learned thunderstorm safety at camp and you are NOT SUPPOSED to go under a tree! If anything, like if you have a choice between a tree and a field, you are supposed to lie face down in the field.
Kim: NUH UH! i did not learn that, i just learned to get in the car because of the tires.
Jennifer: because it drastically reduces your chances of being hit!
Kim: hahahahahaha
Jennifer: and also, if you do get struck it hits you in the back, protecting your vital organs AND since your body is spread out it kind of spreads out the impact
Kim: lol, if you have the choice between tree or baseball field... amazing.
Jennifer: yeah, I learned that from Sandy, head camp mistress extraordinaire.
Kim: that is all excellent advice.
Jennifer: no, she was insane.
Kim: i would have a real problem with lying face down in a baseball field whilst lighting flashed all around me though, not gonna lie.
Jennifer: lol exactly, I'd take my chances and run!
Kim: that's kind of like how they are like, if you fall onto the subway tracks, do not move. Just calmly wait away from the electric rail as the train passes.
Jennifer: Umm if I fell in the track I would climb out immediately if the train wasn't coming...
Kim: i know! And if the train was coming, i would immediately die. Of terror. So.
Jennifer: well then you'd die anyway of train so it wouldn't matter.
Kim: well i suppose you could hang out in the little gravel pit alongside it and hope for no sparks or shrapnel or off-tracking.
Jennifer: I would lie down in the middle I think.
Kim: WHAT!
Jennifer: because it would probably go over you; that's how people have lived before!
Kim: IT WOULD NOT. i think i would fare best in emergency situations on boats or airplanes, because on the plane when they are like, 'please secure your own oxygen mask before helping any elders or infants' i am like, duh. And on a boat, well, i don't know... i am a fast swimmer but whine in cold water so i might be screwed.
Oh, if i were in a car and it fell in water, omg. i mean, i know you are supposed to calmly stay put and let the car fill up with water so that you may easily open the door once equilibrium is attained. But LIKE HELL.
That reminds me I need to start keeping a baseball bat on me at all times.
Jennifer: you could also kick out the windshield pretty easily pre-sinkage, Oprah said so.
Kim: maybe you could? of course, i would be trapped by my seat belt with two broken ankles or whatever.
Jennifer: good thing you don't need ankles to swim!
Kim: this does not mean i condone not wearing seat belts. Also how much would it suck if you fell in the water, and then waited for the car to fill, all while sinking, and then got out and a shark ate you?
That would also happen to me.
Jennifer: ok well, we don't live near sharks, so it's fine. I would worry more about letting the car fill and then not being able to get out.
Kim: i live near so many sharks.
Jennifer: there are no sharks in MA! Are there?
Kim: of course! i mean, they PREFER a warmer climate, but they are here... Did you not see JAWS?
Jennifer: My point was Jaws too actually; I was going to go, "Jaws was fake!"
Kim: there was a great white swimming around in shallow water for weeks on the cape within the past few summers, and the lifeguards do drills. Rarely, but they do them. Those were like, petrifying as a child.

On missing pink. And pretty dresses.

Posted by: Kim

Once upon a time in the fall of 2005, I decided I wanted to dye my hair brunette. Jen was fully on board with this idea and offered to help. To no fault of her (although it is arguable that both of us could have been a little more hasty when considering the possible outcomes of applying very dark brown Duane Reade hair dye to blonde hair), 30 minutes or so later, the water in our shower was running purple.


Thus began my Goth Period, if only in hair. Once in a Starbucks the barista asked if my eyes were fake, so drastic was black hair to my overall appearance. I was pretty much a vampire, before they all had gold eyes instead of just really light eyes.


Anyway, 12 months and numerous visits to a stylist later and I finally had normal colored hair again without massive damage, and now am an adamant salon-goer. And I have achieved several different shades of brunette hair over the past few years, and liked it. However, it doesn't hold well and upkeep is expensive and I am saving all my money to quit life and travel the world, and so finally a few weeks ago I decided to go back.


I have sort of been regretting it ever since, because, despite the fact that blonde is in no way a first-time thing for me, I suddenly find myself convinced that I can wear no colors other than shades of blue, and can confirm in no uncertain terms that my hot pink headband with the palm trees on it seriously loses impact against blonde hair.


So every pretty dress I have encountered over the past week, of course, has been pink.


Up first, Marion Cotillard:




This is just So. Cute. Come on. It is. And it's a spinner, and I want it, and I would probably wear it three times a week including to work and Trader Joes. And I would spin. Alas, convinced it would wash me out right now.

And then we have Blake Lively:



Before someone inevitably and immediately jumps up to inform me that Blake is blonde and I am dumb/shallow/a huge bitch/recession unsympathetic/etc., I know that (she is blonde, not the other stuff). But pretty much if you googled the opposite of what I look like, all thousand feet tall of Blake Lively would probably pop up (except we both have kind of ... abundant ... hair), and so she can do magical mystical pink things I cannot. Also I don't have a spray tan. Anyway. Look how great this is! It is the pinkest thing I have ever seen! And I really like her shoes, and I would also wear this everywhere and glow in the dark and love every second of it. If it would not look absolutely ridiculous on me. Which it would. Sigh.

Btw, pink is not my favorite color. It probably really comes across that way, but I swear I type in pink and Jen in blue because in college when my mother would send us Easter baskets she always themed mine pink and Jen's blue and we found that sort of hilarious.

Why Can't People Just Be Normal?

Posted by: Jen

Jennifer: what is Dickchicken (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776?ref=pymk#/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776)?
omg, I hate them
"it's a litmus test"
lol
a litmus test for being a tool?

Chris: they graffiti all over Williamsburg
you always see it and it's irritating
cause they obviously think they are being clever

Jennifer: but Chris, if you were cool and clever you would like it!!!
genitals + farm animals = hip and edgy

Chris: yah according to them , it's all about having a sense of humor

Jennifer: If I could roll my eyes harder I would cause permanent damage.

On The Great Outdoors...

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: I think I am going to buy one of those traveling backpacks!
Kim: nuh-uh! really?
Jennifer: yeah, like a big one… not ginormous, but I think they are often easier to handle.
I also read that airports and train stations in Europe tend to have a lot of stairs and not escalators.
Kim: hmmm. Ok, find us backpacks and I will buy one too. We will be so cute!
Jennifer: I know! Ha, plus if we're walking to our hotel it will be easier with a backpack than a suitcase!
Kim: yeah that is true. This will be my first experience traveling in Europe where I’m not coming from London so I could just pack in a like duffel bag, or on family vacation so there was a car. So where do we buy backpacks from? These will be so clutch for GREECE, OMG. LOL!
Jennifer: yeah and wherever else we go ever -- I want to go to Italy too!
Jennifer: http://www.sonomaoutfitters.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=31625%21025
Kim: Eeeeee! Hahaha!
I am going to look SO. FUNNY. with a backpack.
Jennifer: And the bonbon dress! (http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Feature_Assortment/NewArrivals/dresses/PRDOVR~15324/15324.jsp)
Kim: I am glad you immediately imagined that too, because I went right there with the visual.
So how does this backpack work? Can I get a red one?
Jennifer: sure
Kim: where is a red one? I have no idea how to shop for this!
Jennifer: I will probably go to EMS or something… do we have those in NY?
Kim: you either have to tell me, or I will go to EMS and somehow buy whatever they say
LOL
Jennifer: yeah I don't know if we do. I know there is a campy outdoors store near Union Square though
Kim: why?
Jennifer: I don't know, some NY people like to say they are outdoorsy I guess
Kim: I am outdoorsy. Meaning I like outdoors.
Not bugs. or camping.
Here’s the thing: camping is SO DUMB.
Okay, like the things about camping I like are the water sports and nature walks and neither of those require sleeping on the dirt or bug spray, so why throw that into the mix?
Also like the only coffee option is INSTANT!!! It is so not fun.
Jennifer: I like camping but only if there are showers, and a tent with a floor.
When I used to go camping with my friends, in the morning I would get up and drive like 20 minutes to get coffee
Kim: haha excellent! Mine were all like, you have not eaten eggs until they were cooked over campfire! And I was like, lukewarm and there's a bug in it, can we go to Starbucks?!
Like I swear I am not high maintenance but.
Jennifer: I also don't really like getting dirty that much, which is why the shower is necessary… I have been to ones that don't have it and I had to go in a river after running. Oh god.
Kim: yeah, this is why I hold that 'outdoorsy' is so arbitrary; there is good and bad of it. It's the people who must convince the world they are outdoorsy by not showering and sleeping on the ground that give those of us who like to shower a bad name!
Jennifer: I also hate camping clothing because it means I wear my running clothes all the time… like, you can't wear anything good because it's not outdoorsy, so suddenly I'm wearing a sports bra 24/7
Kim: I know! And the 'cool' outdoorsy clothes are so not… like hiking boots and ugly colored fleeces and dirty pants
Jennifer: I know… I feel like a lot of people would make fun of us about this
Kim: well it's true though! Like, I’m sure the track team was not quite the same, but similar to the sailing and there were those athletes at school who were so like, here is my backpack and my hiking keychain and my steel water bottle and my Lauren Conrad braid before she did them and my no makeup and I was like, I aspire never to be that girl.
Jennifer: yeah no, most of them we hiking outdoorsy people and they were all HIKING ROCK CLIMBING YEAH and I was like, aren't you tired from running, don't you want to watch a movie?
Kim: like the second we'd get out of a boat they'd be like, let's go climb a mountain or ski!
Or shop, but for $800 fleece camping sleep pants or something absurd…
A thousand dollar watch that tells you what continent you're on. IN CASE YOU GET THAT LOST.
Jennifer: I can tell you what continent I'm on without a watch. And god help me if I ever get that lost and think a watch will save me.
Kim: Exactly! I am like, okay if I were lost in the woods in an unknown continent I am pretty much fucked. And will rely on common sense and adorability -- adorability helps in being rescued. I mean, know your strengths and weaknesses, people!!!
Jennifer: yeah I feel like at that point knowing that you stumbled into Africa won't really make a difference
Kim: I am not the type of person whose camping gear and skill would save her
So, I’d just try to be nice and hope a bear didn’t eat me, I guess.

On priorities. Or, the cynical react.

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: So. Are you sad about Michael Jackson? Because seems like everyone in the world is distraught but me.

Jennifer: I'm like, soooo he was a creepy dude who did shady things but made good music back in the day and now he's dead. Oh well.

Kimberley: Oh, yeah, no. I mean, it is kind of like, WHOA! really?! nuts. But, i mean, I didn't know him and he didn't make music anymore, soooo i really felt no personal anything to the event.

Jennifer: Yeah. I feel nothing, I wonder if I have mental problems. But honestly I get more upset when book characters die than celebrities because I feel like I have more invested in book characters.

Kimberley: No, I agree. I mean, I actually think it's kind of awful that people get so devasted by the death of celebrities. Like it's sad that people die in general, but also, um, people die. In general. Many from far worse causes, in far worse ways, with much sadder stories.

Jennifer: Yeah you're right. people who mourn CELEBRITIES are the ones with problems
I'm going to mourn the people being beaten to death in Iran for protesting insead.

Kimberley: Yes! for real though.

Jennifer: At first I felt really callous because I didn't care at all about MJ and everyone else did.

Kimberley: That's the thing. That is happening and no one cares. But stop the presses, a famous person died! Of natural causes.

Jennifer: I do, I am rooting for the ladies, they need to stop the madness over there. He died of a drug overdose, I think. But still, that's normal. Ha.

Kimberley: Well that's the thing. If Lindsay Lohan smashed into a tree tomorrow, Hollywood would piss on itself and like, darken the sign in the hills or whatever. It's all very backwards.

Jennifer: And they'd be like, "She really WAS the next Marilyn Monroe!" When before everyone was like, "haha addict wannabe Marilyn!"

Kimberley: Exactly. I was listening to the radio this am and they were talking about MJ and two of the talkers were like, it is SO SAD and one was like, you know what though, what a creep he was. And the other two were like ZOMG!!11!!!! I JUST WANT TO REMEMBER HIM IN THRILLER DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BABY DANGLING THING!!! And the other one was like, 'see this is what is wrong with people.' And i was like, oh I'd be his friend.

Jennifer: I mean, when you're dead isn't it a better time to talk shit because you can't hear it?
When I die I want people to say I ate puppies.

Kimberley: Ha! Ok, if you go first i promise I'll manifest that to no end.

Jennifer: Ok, what do you want me to say about you?

Kimberley: Probably that I kept an ice pick in my Chanel scarf and would stealthily stab ugly people on the subway.

Jennifer: Oh, I like it. I will be like 96 and have a flask of martini and stand up and say it at your funeral. I will also sprinkle cocaine on your casket as they lower it into the ground.

We Aren't Dead. Also, Kim Jen Madrid Barcelona!

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, world, hi.

Jen and I forgot to blog for a really long time, but I hereby swear that I am starting again (I know all three of you readers have been devasted heretofore ... I ... just wanted to use that word, I don't even know if I did so properly).

Anyway, for my first post as a self re-instated blogger, I really have nothing to say, actually. I'm having difficulties completing a single thought at work. Though, here's a little gem that came from today:

Kim: "So. (Redacted client whose case was just transferred to me) is going to be nice and cooperative and we will have this closed by Tuesday, yes?"
Boss: "No. I can promise you right here, right now, that no, that is not how it will be. He is going to be stupid and annoying and push your deadlines to deadlines that didn't even used to exist. On the 1-10 Scale of Stupid and Annoying, he is a 9, and I would give him an 11, but that is Stupid and Annoying, and somehow 10 seems less bad than 9. So he's a 9. Also he'll stare at you to an uncomfortable degree."

Awesome.

In other news, our favorite Adam Lambert is still our favorite and he's in the American Idol finale along with Kris Allen, who is just a lovely little lemon meringue pie tartlet of a person and we adore him too, so, this is great on all accounts! I am sad to report the degree to which this ridiculous karaoke competition has infiltrated my life, but, alas. Glitterpainting my Adam Lambert t-shirt this weekend.

In other sparkly tv news, it appears no one listened to me and watched Kings, which is all of your loss and I hate you and blame you for its apparent cancellation. On the upside, I saw Carter Baizen in the preview for the Gossip Girl finale, immediately deduced that with Kings dead this frees him up to be a regular in Season 3, and I proceeded to throw myself on the floor and flail around giggling with glee at the prospect. Sebastian Stan really just needs to grace all my television shows, please.

And in other, other news not relating to tv whatsoever, we are going to Spain! Je parle francais but my Spanish is sadly (yet spectacularly, somehow) limited to cauderno (that means notebook), but Jen is already practicing hers and I'm getting a book. It. Is. Going. To. Be. Epic. Allegedly we might skate by without sticking out too much because we shop at Zara, but my blonde hair is questionable. We don't care anyway. Ole!

Clearly I'm the same as I ever was, which is apparently shallow, as that nice anonymous* commenter deduced from my innocent post on sneakers. This is good news for you all, as it means that after taking the high road for like ten seconds, obviously my next post is going to be tearing anonymous* commenters who say absurd things to shreds. And I'll still be posting about shoes!

SPAIN SPAIN SPAIN!



* I know who you are, asshat. Stop posting anonymously on my fluffy little blog. You are way too old to act like an outcast 16-year-old. Like, way, way, way, wrinkly-and-with-the-confirmation-of-your-cat-lady-fate-breathing-down-your-neck too old.

I Have Met My Match

Posted by: Jen

A client brought us Girl Scout cookies today. Normally, when it comes to sweets and desserts, I can eat one or two and be happy that I ate it because dessert is delicious and nutritious and scientifically proven to make you awesome.* However, Girl Scout cookies are just cracktastic! I can't just eat one. Or three. Oh dear god, that little box is calling me. I have Thin Mints AND SAMOAS which, if there is a god, he created those bitches on the eighth day because they are PERFECTION and also have 30% of your recommended dose of saturated fat for the day, so. Yeah.

*None of that is true.

OMFG.

Posted by: Kim

President Obama is Gossip Girl fan!

Or he could just be AWARE of it, I know, but whatever.

I Remain Firmly Aboard The Adam Train, Thx.

Posted by: Kim

I did not watch American Idol last night, because it was St. Patrick's Day and I was busy and also I think I'm kind of over watching it in general, because, as I discussed with Jen, the only thing you can even watch on it is Adam because it's really just people standing around singing cover songs and that's only fun when it's people you know or they are crazy fucking awesome scary insane like Adam Lambert. So.

Anyway, though, I wasn't sad because I heard it was Grand Old Opry week anyway, and I sort of hate to be one of those people who's all, "I hate country music!" because I think the people who feel the need to profess that usually have kind of crap taste in music, but I sort of do hate most country music that's not like Patsy Cline or Ryan Adams (who's borderline even at his most country anyway), so, yeah, I like really just did not care to hear Danny Gokey sing The Dance or whatever the fuck stupid song he picked, thanks.

So then I got to work this morning and my co-worker Amy and I were listening to some popular radio station that plays stuff I recognize but couldn't name and also sometimes has this spectacular 80's hour where they play allllll my karaoke signatures, and then all of a sudden this insane version of Ring of Fire came on. Like it sounded like Jeff Buckley and Thom Yorke had a baby in India and it started crying and burning and wailing and fucking being awesome and terrifying all over everyone's face.

And Amy and I were simultaneously like, "HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE! ALSO I'M SO CONFUSED AND SCARED! BUT PSYCHED ABOUT IT!"

Yeah, so obviously it was Adam Lambert's performance from last night, and so the radio dudes immediately are like AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THIS IS TEH WORST THING EVAR! And Amy and I are like, oh, back up the bus. Here it comes: "How dare you, 1) Touch a Johnny Cash song! and 2) Sing it different than he did!!!!"

So obviously that's exactly what they screamed about for a while, as Amy's like, "but it was so awesome though!" and I'm all, "But I think Johnny Cash would have died in a good way if he saw that, like Johnny Cash was a crazy motherfucker with a sick sense of humor and he totally would have loved Adam Lambert going all sparkly gay vampire psycho goth theatre boi on Ring of Fire, I swear! And if it's good enough for him, why can't the rest of the world get over the stupid Walk the Line movie already, christ!"

We proceeded to immediately youtube it and then totally died. Okay, cause first of all, it was so great when Ryan was all, "So, Adam, are you going to turn in a restrained, country style performance tonight?" and Adam was totally just like, dude, no, what, and also, heehee. And then Randy Travis was so scared of him! OMG. So funny. And sad and pathetic. But mostly funny.

And then! AND THEN! Like, okay. I will admit, I was ... uncomfortable? It was just so weird to watch, like, dude has a sick voice, clearly, so on the radio it was just like, omg eerie and amazing and somehow beautiful and scary at once! But on screen it was like you had to look away but you couldn't look away and then he was doing the vampire eye thing and really, really thinking about taking his clothes off and the burns burns burns, like, I couldn't handle it and I sort of totally got what Simon said about people throwing their televisions out the window because I kind of wanted to do so with my computer, but not because I thought the performance was blasphemous and terrible like Simon was saying we should think, but because I couldn't stand watching it. In a good way. And a scared, confused way. Like when I go to an Adam Lambert concert, for which I will totally buy advance tickets, someone will probably need to hold my hand because of sensory overload and panic and I will love every second.

Also, he should absolutely win this show if this stage in the competition is an indication, because we then went on to watch other selected performances and of other people I like (Alexis) I have to say: That was it? You sang Jolene, and you have that voice, and that is all you turned in? I mean, I hope for her sake most of her fans don't know and love the song, because that song is incredible and she was like a bored karaoke singer at best. And I'm not trying to contradict myself here and say she should have sang it like Dolly Parton, I mean, if she wanted to sing it Adam Lambert sparkle-scary style with some sitars or whatever the Alexis Grace equivalent to that would be and rocked the hell out of it, I could have got behind that. What I am saying is that that song is way, way too powerful and emotional for what she did. I have heard far superior performances of that song by people with far less vocal talent than Alexis, honestly.

And as far as Kris, who the judges collectively creamed themselves over ... I liked it fine. I would listen to that on the radio, if Kris were singing it. Or Jason Mraz. Whoever. You know. Someone whose album I would not buy and who I would never pay a Live Nation fee to see in concert no matter how cute he is or how nice and relaxing and lovely his voice is to listen to.

AND, as far as Matt (who the judges REALLY creamed themselves over) goes: See exhibit: Kris. Except Matt was way better than hime this time, and I think he (Matt) actually is a little underrated so I am glad he is getting attention now, but I would really like to see him bust something open cause I think he can do it and I just don't get why he hasn't yet.

Oh, and Anoop finally sang pretty! But, that was kind of it.

So, moral of the post, if I had voted, it still would have been for Adam.

Help Me Pick Out Sneakers, Please.

Posted by: Kim

Last night after GG I somehow watched five minutes of True Life: I'm a Shopaholic, or something like that, and I'm not sure if I should have been nervous or comforted by seeing it, but in any case, I'm nothing like that crazy bitch from Queens and yes, I'm shopping for shoes again.

But I have limits, and also I don't like to buy the same thing in different colors, so even though I'm in love with all of these, I can clearly only have one.

Vote!

Thoughts so far include:

Jennifer: navy dots is the safest as far as getting dirty goes
me: yes, i was thinking that.
though yellow is the cutest as far as being the cutest ever goes.
and blue is the awesomest.

Jennifer: agreed.
me: i am going to put them on our blog and see if anyone will vote. prob not, because i think they only comment when they hate.

Jennifer: they'll tell you that there is a recession going on and you are a vapid bitch for daring to want shoes.
PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR HOUSES.

me: lol. also that i should not think twilight is a guilty pleasure because it's real literature, and i only like guys with fuckety faces and also prom dresses.
okay, so the haters might be on to something, but they are looking at it ALL WRONG.

plus, i need shoes to walk in, god.

A)

B)

C)

In Which I Cannot Do Monday.

Posted by: Kim

Today I feel horrifically hungover despite the fact that I did not drink last night. I did drink Saturday night, but it wasn't that much and it was my go-to for non-hangover drunkenness, (and favorite) vodka. But anyway, I can see no other explanation for feeling like this aside from Jen's suggestion of cancer, so I'm thinking I am experiencing a delayed hangover. And it's bad.

Bad enough that my eyes are unfocused enough and I am confused enough that I just walked into my office carrying a salad and an empty iced coffee cup, and proceeded to set the empty cup on my desk and throw my salad in the recycling bin.

Sigh.

And I'm HUNGRY, thanks.

My apartment can SOMETIMES find the Internet now...

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, I'm checking in while I briefly have Internet to pimp out a TV show I have never seen but that is my new favorite because Carter Baizen is in it and I love him and also (to a lesser degree, because I am that sad and shallow and so it's mostly about Carter) I think it will be Important Television! With Important Themes and Messages Relevant To Society Today! Or at least layered or whatever, like they tell me Lost is.

Anyway, everyone watch Kings. Who doesn't want Sunday night TV? People who know about TV tell me this is actually a bad time slot and thus the show will immediately be canceled. Also, that the show is going to be too smart for people to want to watch. But, um, no. It's going to be awesome. Sunday night TV about an alternate universe King David? Who doesn't love David's story? It's the best, most gay story in the Bible ever! Let's go!

Also, Carter Baizen, hi. I don't know (or care) what his name is on Kings yet. In real life it's Sebastian, though, which is probably even marginally cooler than Carter Baizen. And he dates Leighton! And I love him.

It's better than the time I read all four Twilight books because of a sort of crush on Robert Pattinson at least, isn't it?

Ricky And Elmo Are Hilarious!

Posted by: Jen

Extras NOW, because it is possibly the funniest show ever. Or just watch his I have little tolerance for Elmo usually, as people who like him are generally people I don't enjoy, such as small children and adults who think it is cute to like children's things -- ugh. Ugh! Does anyone remember in high school, how some girls would like, "Loovvveeee Pooh (or Tigger or Piglet. Actually, I believe the girls who loved Piglet were the worst of them) and like totally talked in baby voices and wore Pooh sweatshirts and said things like "Liberry"? Yeah. Anyway, I forget where I was going with that but this is a video of Ricky Gervais (everyone go and Netflix The Extras because it could be the funniest show EVER or just watch his stand up and pee your pants laughing, whatever.) and Elmo is fantastic. While Elmo still sounds obnoxious, the person with the hand up his butt clearly has a sense of humor, and suddenly Elmo becomes kind of like one of those freaky children who speaks and has mannerisms like an adult.*



Also, realization of MY LIFE: I finally realized who my grandmother sounds exactly like. And it is Elmo.

*Digression: Do you know what kind of children I am talking about? They are children, that have been so brainwashed by adults that they parrot back everything they have been told, but do it in the same manner as the adult who told them about it. For instance, the other day my BF and I watched Jesus Camp, which is a documentary about a Pentecostal Evangelical summer camp and mannnnn it borders on child abuse but that is not the point. The point is the kids talk about religion and clearly their parents have been feeding them the lines for so long, they start to resemble miniature 40 year olds in their ways of speaking and mannerisms. Freaky. But this is really another post. Anyway.

Whitney Offends Me

Posted by: Jen

I will give you all a moment to reflect upon the image below, and remember before you stare too hard: things that are seen cannot be un-seen.

You've been warned.


So, like, what the fuck Whitney? You move to NY and live "downtown" (which is really uptown) and really, really need to prove that you are not that bland blond CA girl? And you've decided to do this in the most ridiculously ugly way possible by draping yourself in the leftover wardrobe from Flash Dance while wearing (sooooo summer 2007, btw, if you care) neon nerd glasses?* Gah, you make me so mad. So mad. And your stupid MATCHING pink nylon bag, WHY?!?! Please just get over yourself and go back to wearing Tory Burch flats and peasant tops and stop designing because it suuuuuccckkksss (really, you don't hold a candle to Bilson or even LC) and move back to LA, because that look is really just LA trying to be NY and it's kind of sad.

*Digression: What is the point of the stupid nerd glasses? They have been uglying up the faces of Brooklyn's masses for two years now, and I do not see the point, and I absolutely hate them and still would even if someone told me the point. They are not cute; they make you look ugly. And I know some girls are so beautiful, uglying up themselves is kind of cool because they still look stunning, but that does not take away from the fact that you have 1970's style child molester glasses on your face!

We are on Team Adam.

Posted by: Kim

As Jen pointed out to me, I am slacking on the blog. Big time. My excuses include: my laptop can't find the internet in my new roommate-less (!) apartment, and I suddenly work 80 hours a week. Eep.

But I'll try to be better.

So to break the slacking, but because I only have about 40 seconds of down time right now, here are Kim and Jen's thoughts, discussed via text, on last night's American Idol. A show that we now both watch. Sigh. Ugh.

Kim: "Um, I somehow forgot about Adam? And I love him."

Jen: "Yes, for the win! He's a bit sexy when he leers over the mic. Sigh."

Kim: "Aw, it's killing me! He's so happy! Awwwww!"

Jen: "I'm text voting for him. Also, Paula is insane."

Jen: "A(lexis) is so good too!"

Kim: "5711 VOTE"

Kim: "Yes, I like her too. I can't predict the top 4. Alexis, Adam, Alison, Matt, Danny, Lil? Some combo of them. Also, who is Kris, what? Pretty pretty princess. Want."

Jen: "I know! Where did he come from? Also want. Lucky wife, boo."

But really you should have ... heard ... us (texting) last week when Anoop made lucky #13. Eeee.

Although I might be kind of over him. Okay, not really. Bffl, Anoop!

People I AM over: Danny. Sorry. His voice is nice but I'm bored with him. Jorge. Less sorry.

People I was never on board with: Megan. I do not get? Other than being pretty, what? She ... can't carry a tune, even, it appears to me. And she said 'CAW CAW!' Also, Michael. Huh?

I can't believe I watch this, it's so dumb, really. Hence, total Team Adam. At least he's interesting and awesome, except he loses points for fleeing NYC for LA, obviously.

Chuck To Friend: Are We Going Boating After The Game?

Posted by: Jen

Apparently Chuck is also laughing at his friend who chose to go sockless, in dress shoes, to the Knick's game, in New York, IN MARCH. Going sockless is a don't (and while appropriate in BOAT SHOES and boat shoes ONLY, I do not encourage wearing such a thing ever). So, total fail, sockless mystery dude.

Ummm, Mr. Obama?

Posted by: Jen

You are awesome. All of this legislation for positive things is starting to blow my mind. Case in point: lifting the ban on stem cell research.

It's better than sex! And nachos! And having sex and then eating nachos in bed!

From CNN:

"As President Obama reversed the Bush administration's limits on embryonic stem-cell research, he said scientific decisions must be "based on facts, not ideology."
President Obama lifted a ban that limited federally funded embryonic stem cell research.

President Obama lifted a ban that limited federally funded embryonic stem cell research.

The president on Monday signaled a clear shift in tone from the Bush administration on a broad range of scientific issues.

Obama overturned an order signed by President Bush in 2001 that barred the National Institutes of Health from funding research on embryonic stem cells beyond using 60 cell lines that existed at that time."

Emphasis mine. OMG OMG OMG (not literally, obv, just as a figure of speech, because REALLY guys, I don't have a god and I'm cool with not having yours either. Anyway.), wait what? You mean the government should not be run and legislation should not be controlled by the vocal and annoying self-righteous minority? Especially when that obnoxious subset of the population wants to hinder scientific progress that would help people all over the world? Well, consider my socks knocked off. I never thought this day would come. Thanks President Obama, I am glad I voted for you. xoxo

Oh Hai, Look What Obama Is Up To Now!

Posted by Jen:

Oh all that is smart and awesome, check out out this press release from Planned Parenthood:

"President Obama began the process of overturning the Bush administration rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services.You might already know the background of this situation, but here it is in case you don't. Just before leaving office, the Bush administration put in place a rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services. The rule allows health care personnel and institutions everywhere to simply withhold information about health care services, including things like birth control and HIV testing and treatment. It also allows health care workers to deny any basic health care service based on their personal biases. "

Well, that was quick. I really have to say, I am impressed with President Obama's can do/will do attitude. I don't think I've ever seen a politician accomplish more so quickly. It really makes me happy (and incredibly relieved, after 8 years of horror. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome or something, as the next round of elections already strikes fear into my liberal heart.) to have a smart, educated competent leader for once.

ALSO, there is more you can do to help! There is 30 days before the rule is rescinded for the public to voice their opinion. Let yourself be heard via this great form provided by PP: http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/hhsorcp_ppol/ws3xxx3r1kketwd?source=hhsorcp_e1_ppol

Next, let's work on gay marriage!

But WHY Are The Camels IN A Car?!?!

Posted by: Jen

Ok, this is probably the funniest thing I have seen in a while as I literally LOLed instead of just typing it (actually it was more of a shriek followed by hysterical laughter). But the video leads to many questions, such as WHO decided to put two camels in a car? Why did they put the camels IN the car? Where were they going (as I can imagine that camels typically do not need rides to many places, being creatures that can travel long distances through the desert while relying on the stored whatever-the-fuck it is they keep in their humps.)? And why are the camels so obviously displeased?

Also, my co-worker makes noises similar to this when he loses at video games, FYI.

I Didn't Totally Watch American Idol Tonight Because The New 90210 Repeat Was New To Me.

Posted by: Kim

So, I didn't see this blind guy Jen is talking about.

However I did see the Puerto Rican guy who can't think in English when he gets emotional, and I am officially over my Adam Lambert crush of last week.

Team Jorge!

Btw, tomorrow I am moving into my new apartment ... AND IT DOESN'T INCLUDE ROOMMATES AND I AM SO EXCITED OMG.* This is probably the first time I've ever been okay, much less excited, with the whole staring down the barrel of my late 20s thing or whatever.

NO ONE'S LEAVING MY PANS IN THE SINK TO RUST OR THEIR HAIR IN THE SHOWER, BITCHES! YES!

*Obviously Jen is the greatest roommate to ever walk the earth and none of this gushing about not having roommates (omg!) means that I don't miss college/NYC the Early Years/Jen. And Gracie.

Oh. Of Course.

Posted by: Jen

There is a blind guy on American Idol right now. And he can sing, and the judges love him (though, can you be mean to a blind person? I don't know. Once I helped a blind lady on the bus from Boston to NY and "helping" was actually more like being her slave, but I took it, even after she screwed me on cab fare, because hey, she couldn't see. I also continually made a jackass out of myself by making brilliant statements such as, "look out!" or "it's over there" and pointing at things.). We all know that blindness beats a dead wife any day, just saying.

Mary Kate And Ashley Totally Got It, Dude!

Posted by: Jen

It is snowing here and I am so tired of winter and all of my clothes and even though I swore off shopping until April, I can't help but look online and then I died a little when I found Mary Kate and Ashley's spring line for Elizabeth & James. Sigh, I have seen a lot of their stuff in Bloomingdale's and gazed longingly at it, but these girls have come a long way since their days of Wal-Mart clothing and the price point is a little... High. For me at least. But, we can drool! And find lower cost look alikes at Zara and H&M! Yay!


First, I give you, "Model in kiddie pool".
She's all, I am so bad ass in this long blazer and adorable teal skirt! I'm also about to break this pool with my killer heels (quick aside: when I was 9 or so, I got Crocodile Mile for my birthday and I was SO EXCITED because it was a glorified Slip n' Slide with a cool pool and inflatable palm tree on the end of it! Well, long story short, I never even got to use it because the pool popped when my dad was setting it up. How tragic.) ! Look out, tidal wave!

Next, although I seem to be seeing a resurgence in short puffy skirts circa 2004, I am refusing to be frightened because this is not worn with Uggs or an Old Navy tank top.
Instead it is all kinds of awesome with a long blazer (I NEED ONE. And yet, cannot find any -- they all appear to be cropped, everywhere I go. And let me tell you how bad cropped looks on someone who is 5'3.), a simple shirt and once again, bad ass heels. Mary Kate and Ashley, please send me this outfit for my birthday. I loved How The West Was Fun.

Lastly, YELLOW!
I don't know if I can wear straight up yellow all by itself like the model is, as it tends to make me look dead, or close to death, but I would wear this with a darker cardigan over it, which I know completely ruins the fact that it is a summer dress, but that is how I roll and it gets cold in my office. Also, the jury is still out on those Keds. Yes, I see the hipsters (and Brett from Flight of The Conchords!) in them, but like those giant boyfriend jeans that Katie Holmes inflicted upon the world, only to have many misguided actresses follow her, I am not sure if I believe it.

Twilight Takes Over The World! Or At Least Mine, Because As We Have Discussed, It Already Has Or Whatever!

Posted by: Kim

Disclaimer: My Baby Bro Ben is visiting and I kindly purchased him his beverage of choice in handle form, which is bourbon, of all things, and so now we're both drunk.

So, at this very moment I am watching the completely (and deservedly so, because it's awesome) acceptable-by-television-snobs Top Chef finale (Team Carla! Whoo dee whoo![?] What? She's toast. But I love her!) However, immediately preceding this very moment, I may or may not have been watching American Idol. Again. Ahem.

Now, when the first season of American Idol aired, I was studying abroad in London, and so I missed it entirely. As in I arrived back in the States, and in the summer of 2003 was driving around and heard Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This' and was all, "Um, what the hell is this crap?" (obvi I am now a fan, that song was her singular weak moment) and thus began my understanding.

However I never watched.

Until last week.

And then tonight.

BUT. I have had friends who consistently OMG ADORE OBSESSIVELY it. And they all have one thing in common: They HATE HATE HATE the musical theatre types, and LOOOOVE the 'edgy rocker' types that show up to compete. And then I proceed to hear David Cook on the radio and be like, "meh, 100% meh" and they are all, "BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR HIM SING 'HELLO!!!1!!11!!!!!!OMFG" and I'm all "so it IS glorified karaoke for hipsters who are too cool for musicals! A-HA!"

***** TIME OUT***** Hosea just won Top Chef. Um, snore. Aside from the time he made the crispy salmon rolls, I remember nothing. It should have been Stefan. Not that I like him. But he is better. Whatever.

Okay, back. Right, so, American Idol is no place for Broadway singers. Except ... it is a singing competition, yes? Well, I mean, it's also a beauty pageant, but, Broadway singers tend to be cutie pies, so. Anyway. All I'm saying is, enjoy musicals or not (and for the record, 90% of the time I do not -- ask Jen, we share a mutual issue with suspension of disbelief, and often -- exhibit A, Twilight 4 -- mine is even stronger than hers), Broadway-style singers tend to have the best voices.

AND OMG I HAVE A TOTAL CRUSH ON ADAM LAMBERT NOW WTF THANKS AMERICAN IDOL.

Like, the Pete Wentz look is not really my type (I mean, if the princess dress/pearl/J.Crew gushing and discussions of Nantucket and Chace Crawford hasn't yet given it away, I'm destined for matrimony with a stockbroker or perhaps a professional lacrosse player), and, I'll just throw it out there: despite the fact that "Wild Horses" unfailingly makes me cry in a good way every time I hear it, and I obviously like "Ruby Tuesday" because I'm human, I am not even that big of a Rolling Stones fan, so please don't quiz me on albums. BUT OMG. That was so fun! He was so great! His voice is fantastic! His flatironed hair is amazing!

AND THEN RANDY JACKSON TOOK IT TO THE TWILIGHT PLACE.

TWILIGHT RULES THE WORLD!

And, whilst Ryan compared him to Edward Cullen (what?), I would like to point out that Randy was comparing him to R.Pattz ... um, R. Patz? ... RPattz!zz! Robert Pattinson! Who, because maybe one other time or 17 while I was drunk I stalked a little, I know sings (I'm sure this is not news to anyone but me, so pick on something else and let me roll with it please, haters) -- BUT DOES RANDY KNOW THAT?! Seriously. Someone clarify. What was going on? Was he comparing Adam singing 'Satisfaction' to RPattz singing on the Twilight soundtrack? Cause I mean, they sounded nothing alike, aside from both awesome. Or was he talking about their mutual affection for strategically tousled hair?

DOES IT EVEN MATTER? NO. I loved this guy, and then Randy called him Edward. I mean R Pattz. I am clearly paraphrasing wherever the hell I see fit at this point. ANYWAY.

Sold. I have my American Idol. Call me, Adam. Let's go out. Or ... go shopping.

Oh, also, in addition to my new American Idol boyfriend (please, no one call me with examples of him singing the Jesus Christ Superstar score or something I have no interest in hearing, I DON'T CARE, LET ME HAVE MY FANTASY) I voted for the girl who sang 'Alone' and the girl who sang 'Bette Davis Eyes' simply because those are two of my karaoke signatures (Jen sang 'Alone' with me once, and she loved it. She can't deny.). Rock on, karaoke idols.

Jenny Humphrey! You're Making Me Nervous (Part 25)!

Posted by: Jen

Oh, sigh.

Jenny/Taylor! COME ON. You are 15, why do you insist on going out looking like a late twenty-something 80's punk rocker on the way to their third trip to rehab?! I mean, ok, it IS better than most of the 15 year old starlets out there these days, going out looking like 25 year old wanna-be sex machines (Miley, I'm looking at you) with their hair and their makeup and their grownup clothes and god I sound like my mother, but you are the only one out of all of them convincing me that a trip to the hospital for cocaine induced "exhaustion" is in your near future. Hey Jenny, remember GG season one? When you were cute and had shiny long hair and pants without holes? Yeah, that was last year, not 10 years ago. Sigh, I worry about you, and your Red Bull drinking ways.

Also, I am watching American Idol AGAIN (I really need cable. And TiVo. And I would watch endless What Not To Wear marathons and die happy) and let me tell you, I am an Adam fan tonight. When they interviewed him, I was like "AW awesome theater gay boy! Love!" and then wondered if the whole Clay Aiken debacle of the days of yore would happen again. You know, in which straight women convince themselves that the object of their desire is straight, coin a kicky nickname off of it (um, Claymates) and then three years later are ultimately embarrassed by their complete lack of gaydar. I actually knew a girl in high school who OMG LOVED LANCE BASS EEEEEE!!!1 and I don't talk to her anymore but I am sure she was a Claymate at some point. Oh yeah, and then, to further my argument, Randy said he had a "Steven Tyler, Fallout Boy, Robert Pattinson from Twilight" thing going for him, at which Adam immediately responded, "OMG, I love those books and movie!", which should clear up any and all misconceptions.

Anyway, he can totally sing! So, I voted for him and no one else because although I may be tone deaf, I didn't think any of the others were good and none of them had compelling back stories. Sigh. I just wish their were new episodes of GG and 90210 so I wouldn't have to watch this slightly amusing overgrown talent show.

Edward Cullen Goes To The Oscars

Posted by: Jen

So this weekend I was indisposed and confined to my bed, sipping chocolate and delicately coughing into a handkerchief while eschewing visits from various suitors, so I had to watch the Oscars because I don't have cable. I, like Kim, usually hate awards shows but found Hugh Jackman and his crazy dance numbers to be thoroughly entertaining. I also drooled over the dresses. And for once, I had SEEN most of the movies that were being mentioned, so I actually felt more involved in the show. This is what people who like sports must feel like when they watch their team play!

Now, while I loved Slumdog and Dev and Freida and I am so happy they won, like, everything, I do think Benjamin Button got shafted because seriously, seriously, that movie made me cry straight through. For three hours. So I think it should have gotten something, because even though Brad is a little annoying now because he's all perfect with Angelena and like, saving the world and not working on his abs, he did do a REALLY good job and I must say I am a fan. Actually, if they had just given Best Supporting Actress to Taraji Henson I think I would have been satisfied, because she also did a REALLY good job and it would have recognized the movie without taking away any of the awesomeness of Slumdog.

Ok, now on to the important things. Apparently, Robert Pattinson thought that he had to dress IN CHARACTER to go to the Oscars:

I kid, I kid. However, boy could use a trip to St. Tropez after spending all winter in London. You know what guys? I think R. Patz (thanks anon poster), is suffering from the Chuck Bass Syndrome -- you know, the one that Ed Westwick is afflicted by -- in which an actor portraying a certain character begins to believe they are actually the character. Seriously guys, R. Patz is about three seconds away from smearing glitter all over himself, I swear.

Next, although Kim somehow managed to miss this in her all encompasing Oscar Dress roundup, this, ladies and gentlemen, is my favorite dress of the night and exactly what I would wear to the Oscars if I were invited (Edward Cullen, call me):

YES! Leslie Mann! Well played my dear, well played! Of course you would wear a flowing, perfectly cut disco ball gown to the Oscars, it only makes sense! I love it so much. WIN!

I made a 2009 Oscar Dress Yearbook. Enjoy.

Posted by: Kim

So, the Oscars were last night. I did not watch (cue the shock and awe, I'm sure). I did hear some crap about how some of the celebrities were asked/chose not to walk the red carpet to boost ratings of the telecast, to which I give a big WTF on behalf of photographers, and, especially, designers.

I mean, hi. If Prada dresses Jessica Biel, famous of late for, you know, dating Justin Timberlake, in an obscenely expensive set of table linens, then I'm sure Prada would like the world to be able to see her stand around and give little fluff interviews in it for a while. Seriously.

While arguing about this with a woman at work, I was informed that the Oscars should in fact be more revered by television viewers because "you watch the World Series, right? Same thing!" I obviously proceeded to laugh for about 20 minutes at this analogy, because wtf ever. Watching the top two teams of the season play off against each other is infinitely different than watching actors, as themselves, sit and look at a stage. Though I did hear apparently Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron brought musicals back or some such business. Still not intrigued.

Anyway, I looked up the dresses today. It would appear the predominant theme was 'Wedding Dresses,' 'Princess' or simply, 'White' or lastly, 'Blue.' This resulted in both wins and fails a plenty. Onward for my superlatives, including a parenthetical Win or Fail as I'm sure my ramblings are sometimes unclear. *Also as I edit this epic post, I realize it is also confusing that I put the superlatives above the photos instead of below. And now I am too sick of doing this to fix it. Apologies. I think you'll figure it out though.

Most Likely To Be The Favorite (or at least Most Talked About Dress Amongst ... Everyone?: SJP in Dior Haute Couture (WIN. Duh, ball gown, princess,
you know I love it, XOXO)

Most Likely To Cause Internal Debate and Strife For Hours Do To Being ENTIRELY Angle-and-Lighting Dependent: Anne Hathaway, in very sparkly Armani Prive, amazing from this angle, other times too mermaid-y (overall, WIN)

Most Likely To Garner Praise For Not Being Black, Which Until Now We Are Pretty Sure Was The Only Color She Was Aware Even Existed: Jennifer Aniston in ... I do not know. Someone tell me? (Overall ... um ... pass. No, win. For being so cute with John Mayer. No, wait ... I don't think I really like it. Uh. NEUTRAL.)

Most Likely To Have Made Me Scream WANT WANT WANT Had I Actually Watched The Show: Marion Cotillard, also in Designer Unknown But I Would Be Really Happy To Find Out (WIN. Come on, it's like a never-appropriate-for-any-event-except-princessing dream dress created in HEAVEN, hi. I mean, unless you hate tulle ... which is entirely possible.
But it's my post, suck it.)

Most Likely To Star In My Most Recent Wedding Day Fantasies: Penelope Cruz in Balmain. Also, um, who? I must learn. (WIN)

Most Likely To Star In My Wedding Reception Dreams Momentarily IF I were One Of Those Women Who Would Ever Dare To Change Out Of Her Wedding Dress Early To Party While Dressed Half Like A Flapper and Half Like A Bedazzled Country Singer: Carrie Underwood, in I Didn't Even Bother To Check Who Made This, It's Just For Fun (WIN. Carry on, Carrie. I love you and your country sparkles.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress I Would Actually Wear If I Were Ever Invited To The Oscars, Because If I Wore Marion Cotillard's Jen Would Tease Me and Even Though It Would Be In Jest And Love, I Would Still Become Self-Conscious And Change: Angelina in Elie Saab and freaking awesome fun jewelry. (WIN, because even though it's kind of boring comparatively it's also pretty perfect, and, FUN JEWELRY OMG JAZZING IT UP. This is kind of how I roll.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress Everyone Swoons Over But Kim: Taraji Henson in Roberto Cavalli (NEUTRAL. I mean, it's fine. It fits her perfectly. It's simple and pretty. You'd think I would adore this. But I feel ... not much, really.)

Most Likely To Be The Tween Star in a Dress Better Than Miley's: Vanessa Hudgens, in Marchesa (WIN. She looks so pretty! I would look a fool in this, but it's awesome on her.)

Most Likely To Draw Comparisons To A Mermaid Despite Being One Of the Few NOT Wearing A Mermaid Silhouette, Instead Opting For Three Of The Other Big Looks Of The Night, Which As We Discussed Were Princess, White And Blue: Miley Cyrus, in Somebody I Didn't Look Up. (WIN -bet you thought I was gonna fail her, eh? But actually, while at the gym I was staring at silent followup coverage of the show's fashion and this picture doesn't do it justice. I mean, it is kind of as ridiculous as it looks in this picture, but she also looked pretty great in it, if I'm being honest.)

Most Likely To Confound Me By Maybe Being Awesome But Also Being So Pepto But Maybe That Pink is Awesome Too?: Natalie Portman, in I Don't Know Who. (UNDECIDED. Leaning toward WIN.)

Most Likely To ... Snore. Oh, sorry. Right, Boring. And Somehow Making Me Not Dig Black Lace, Something I Usually LOVE: Kate Winslet in Yves Saint Laurent. (FAIL. So there, Kate. Except you yourself look stunning. Btw, congrats on the Oscar.)

Most Likely To Remind Me Of That Time Blair Waldorf Wore Valentino's Headband Version Of This Dress and It Was SO MUCH BETTER: Amanda Seyfriend, in Valentino Haute Couture. (FAIL. Um, ugh. Also, did she even get to try it on beforehand? Because I'm trusting it was not designed to look 45 sizes too big for her.)

Most Likely To Be Adored, Despite Being Kind of Terrible: Freida Pinto in John Galliano. (FAIL. That's right, I FAILED Freida! And Galliano! And yes, I love them both. And yes, I love Slumdog Millionnaire along with the rest of the world! And yes, that's a pretty color blue! And yes, I am still FAILING Freida despite having WINNED MILEY CYRUS A FEW DRESSES UP. But it's true. I don't like it. Pfft.)

Most Likely To Double As Spider-Man's Prom Dress: Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera. (FAIL. Yes, despite the awesome color, and, you know, Carolina H. But I think the necklace has possibilities.)