I made a 2009 Oscar Dress Yearbook. Enjoy.

Posted by: Kim

So, the Oscars were last night. I did not watch (cue the shock and awe, I'm sure). I did hear some crap about how some of the celebrities were asked/chose not to walk the red carpet to boost ratings of the telecast, to which I give a big WTF on behalf of photographers, and, especially, designers.

I mean, hi. If Prada dresses Jessica Biel, famous of late for, you know, dating Justin Timberlake, in an obscenely expensive set of table linens, then I'm sure Prada would like the world to be able to see her stand around and give little fluff interviews in it for a while. Seriously.

While arguing about this with a woman at work, I was informed that the Oscars should in fact be more revered by television viewers because "you watch the World Series, right? Same thing!" I obviously proceeded to laugh for about 20 minutes at this analogy, because wtf ever. Watching the top two teams of the season play off against each other is infinitely different than watching actors, as themselves, sit and look at a stage. Though I did hear apparently Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron brought musicals back or some such business. Still not intrigued.

Anyway, I looked up the dresses today. It would appear the predominant theme was 'Wedding Dresses,' 'Princess' or simply, 'White' or lastly, 'Blue.' This resulted in both wins and fails a plenty. Onward for my superlatives, including a parenthetical Win or Fail as I'm sure my ramblings are sometimes unclear. *Also as I edit this epic post, I realize it is also confusing that I put the superlatives above the photos instead of below. And now I am too sick of doing this to fix it. Apologies. I think you'll figure it out though.

Most Likely To Be The Favorite (or at least Most Talked About Dress Amongst ... Everyone?: SJP in Dior Haute Couture (WIN. Duh, ball gown, princess,
you know I love it, XOXO)

Most Likely To Cause Internal Debate and Strife For Hours Do To Being ENTIRELY Angle-and-Lighting Dependent: Anne Hathaway, in very sparkly Armani Prive, amazing from this angle, other times too mermaid-y (overall, WIN)

Most Likely To Garner Praise For Not Being Black, Which Until Now We Are Pretty Sure Was The Only Color She Was Aware Even Existed: Jennifer Aniston in ... I do not know. Someone tell me? (Overall ... um ... pass. No, win. For being so cute with John Mayer. No, wait ... I don't think I really like it. Uh. NEUTRAL.)

Most Likely To Have Made Me Scream WANT WANT WANT Had I Actually Watched The Show: Marion Cotillard, also in Designer Unknown But I Would Be Really Happy To Find Out (WIN. Come on, it's like a never-appropriate-for-any-event-except-princessing dream dress created in HEAVEN, hi. I mean, unless you hate tulle ... which is entirely possible.
But it's my post, suck it.)

Most Likely To Star In My Most Recent Wedding Day Fantasies: Penelope Cruz in Balmain. Also, um, who? I must learn. (WIN)

Most Likely To Star In My Wedding Reception Dreams Momentarily IF I were One Of Those Women Who Would Ever Dare To Change Out Of Her Wedding Dress Early To Party While Dressed Half Like A Flapper and Half Like A Bedazzled Country Singer: Carrie Underwood, in I Didn't Even Bother To Check Who Made This, It's Just For Fun (WIN. Carry on, Carrie. I love you and your country sparkles.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress I Would Actually Wear If I Were Ever Invited To The Oscars, Because If I Wore Marion Cotillard's Jen Would Tease Me and Even Though It Would Be In Jest And Love, I Would Still Become Self-Conscious And Change: Angelina in Elie Saab and freaking awesome fun jewelry. (WIN, because even though it's kind of boring comparatively it's also pretty perfect, and, FUN JEWELRY OMG JAZZING IT UP. This is kind of how I roll.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress Everyone Swoons Over But Kim: Taraji Henson in Roberto Cavalli (NEUTRAL. I mean, it's fine. It fits her perfectly. It's simple and pretty. You'd think I would adore this. But I feel ... not much, really.)

Most Likely To Be The Tween Star in a Dress Better Than Miley's: Vanessa Hudgens, in Marchesa (WIN. She looks so pretty! I would look a fool in this, but it's awesome on her.)

Most Likely To Draw Comparisons To A Mermaid Despite Being One Of the Few NOT Wearing A Mermaid Silhouette, Instead Opting For Three Of The Other Big Looks Of The Night, Which As We Discussed Were Princess, White And Blue: Miley Cyrus, in Somebody I Didn't Look Up. (WIN -bet you thought I was gonna fail her, eh? But actually, while at the gym I was staring at silent followup coverage of the show's fashion and this picture doesn't do it justice. I mean, it is kind of as ridiculous as it looks in this picture, but she also looked pretty great in it, if I'm being honest.)

Most Likely To Confound Me By Maybe Being Awesome But Also Being So Pepto But Maybe That Pink is Awesome Too?: Natalie Portman, in I Don't Know Who. (UNDECIDED. Leaning toward WIN.)

Most Likely To ... Snore. Oh, sorry. Right, Boring. And Somehow Making Me Not Dig Black Lace, Something I Usually LOVE: Kate Winslet in Yves Saint Laurent. (FAIL. So there, Kate. Except you yourself look stunning. Btw, congrats on the Oscar.)

Most Likely To Remind Me Of That Time Blair Waldorf Wore Valentino's Headband Version Of This Dress and It Was SO MUCH BETTER: Amanda Seyfriend, in Valentino Haute Couture. (FAIL. Um, ugh. Also, did she even get to try it on beforehand? Because I'm trusting it was not designed to look 45 sizes too big for her.)

Most Likely To Be Adored, Despite Being Kind of Terrible: Freida Pinto in John Galliano. (FAIL. That's right, I FAILED Freida! And Galliano! And yes, I love them both. And yes, I love Slumdog Millionnaire along with the rest of the world! And yes, that's a pretty color blue! And yes, I am still FAILING Freida despite having WINNED MILEY CYRUS A FEW DRESSES UP. But it's true. I don't like it. Pfft.)

Most Likely To Double As Spider-Man's Prom Dress: Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera. (FAIL. Yes, despite the awesome color, and, you know, Carolina H. But I think the necklace has possibilities.)