OMG This Dog Will Haunt My Dreams!

Posted by: Jen

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I don't normally remember my dreams, or even have nightmares, and I am so glad because I know that this thing is what would be chasing me! HIS EYES ARE BURNING INTO MY SOUL!

Actually I don't even know if he HAS eyes; they just look like evil evil soul sucking cavities of evil. Who would have thought that such a creature with remarkable Heidi-like hair could be so scary?

You know how people are always like "If I were an animal what would I be?" (ok, maybe not "always like", but you know). Well I guess we now have the answer for Heidi. I'd probably be a spider monkey or an otter, just to let you know. Now please feel free to go back to being TERRIFIED.

On Baby Names, And Mistaking A Biblical Character For A Type Of Exercise

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: Ashlee Simpson named her baby...
BRONX
for real
Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Kim: Mowgli like in The Jungle Book?!
BRONX. hee. heeeeee.
Jennifer: Oh my god, that is not even remotely ok like Brooklyn
Also, I do not believe Victoria Beckham was ever in Brooklyn to conceive
Kim: no. it's like Paris. except not as cool. and Paris was a name like when Shakespeare was writing shit.
Jennifer: yeah, so that's relatively ok, except I feel like P. Hilton has ruined the name for everyone
kind of like how you don't really see any Adolfs around anymore
Kim: hahaha, that was awesome
or like Pilates
whoa, that looks like pilates
how do you spell Pilate
Jennifer: like the Jesus killer kind?
umm
Kim: yes, lol
Jennifer: Pilate, I Googled it
and I wrote "pontius pilate" in my search because I only know it from that thing that people recite at church before communion
Kim: haha
good little ex-catholic

Confusion.

Posted by: Kim

Last week sometime Jen and I discussed the phenomenon that is Twilight and how thus far this has been another instance of us living under some rock while the rest of the world pees its collective pants about something pop cultural.

This time, though, we came to the conclusion that this might be a bandwagon we could jump on, because we love vampires and pretty people, and the preview for the upcoming Twilight movie looks incredible. Incredible as in good, or incredible as in so bad it comes back around to awesome, well, that is to be determined. But, vampires. Pretty vampires.

Cut to Sunday morning, when I was impulse-purchasing heels at Marshalls (in my defense, Marshalls - I got two pairs that retailed at $85 and $125, respectively, for $40. Total.) and I noticed Twilight the book for sale in the checkout aisle for $7 and I really don't need much enabling, so, I bought that too.

Ahem. I have finished it. Hi, world? Pants-peeing, vamp-lusting, fangirly world? It's not good. And yet, I sort of get it. It's not good, it's not well-written, it's not well-developed plot-wise, and the heroine is rather absurd. But I couldn't put it down, and omfg, it's a series? I need the rest of them!

Right, so it's not good. As I was attempting to explain so to Jen, she said, "so is it bad like The DaVinci Code is bad?" which is the singlemost intelligent, best question she could have asked, and the answer is both yes and no.

Jen and I are the only two people I know who hated The DaVinci Code, but I refuse to believe we are wrong on this. Sorry, Mr. Brown, but you wrote a crappy book that snuck its way atop the best-sellers list and at least two people noticed. Like you care anyway. Enjoy the millions. However, I look up to you as a historian. See, my (and Jen's, though she can correct me if I am wrong) main problem with The DaVinci Code is that it was chock full of incredibly interesting historical (or biblical, if you prefer) allegories and "facts" ... that were then left abandoned and drowning without a prayer amidst an inane, retarded story. End result on my part? Rage. I had to force myself to finish it.

Twilight suffers from a similar problem, in that the historical perspective on the vampire clan, particularly when told from the perspective of the members of the tribal reservation (not to mention their own folklore) is really cool. Aaaand there's about, I don't know, 12 pages dedicated to it out of the 500-plus worth of relatively blahhhh teen drama and somewhat creepy "love" story. However, unlike with The DaVinci Code, teen drama and creepy love stories hold my interest, and so I kept tearing through the pages waiting for the awesome to come. It never did, really, but I'm intrigued enough to keep going. Of course, I'll probably be spitting nails by the time I finish the last book and they've all been shitty. But whatever.

As far as the movie goes? WHEN CAN I GET MY TICKETS?! OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EDWARD ON SCREEN! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

But, alas. A question:

WHAT?


Okay, of the 500-whatever pages of this book, approximately 492 of them are dedicated to reveling in Edward the sparkly (yes, sparkly - there is an entire passage in which he is sparkling in the sun and it is discussed at length), broody vampire boyfriend's insane, otherworldy beauty. Ummm ... I'm no expert, but Jen and I do also love zombies and we did dress up like zombified versions of the main characters of our favorite TV show of all time (I'll let you envision what you wish) for Halloween, and, um, Edward is really looking a little zombie here. I mean, you know, like early stage zombie, before the decaying is totally complete, and clearly he didn't get bit in the face (as I did, on Halloween), but still. Zombie-esque. AND ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES ARE NOT THE SAME! To break it down, vampires = hot, zombies = not, this poster = not, this poster = not vampire. Yes? Yes.

Also, quick research informs me that this young man, Robert Pattinson, is in fact about 400 times hotter than this poster conveys. I mean, he's hot in a dirty, mildly creepy "I don't have to shower because I am dirty British rockstar-esque and that is my thing, with my hair grease and cigarettes" kind of way that never totally gets me all hot and bothered but certainly seems to do it for plenty of chicks. But point is, I've seen the preview, and now I've read the book, and while I probably would have sought out Henry Cavill or perhaps Chuck Bass himself, I approve of the casting. I get it. Edward is a vampire, and he is physically supposed to be perfect and painfully beautiful but he is not human, so they had to get someone who is, as I put it earlier and Jen approved, kind of fuckity beautiful. They couldn't just cast Chace Crawford and call it a day. It had to be someone kind of bizarrely attractive, someone variable, who, from the wrong angle or in the wrong light probably runs the risk of coming across as downright ugly, but in the right light and at the right angle is stunning. And I feel like they got it.

SO WHY IS THIS YOUR AD CAMPAIGN?!!!!? OMG.

It gets worse:



WHAT.

Also of note is that they both totally dyed their hair between poster/EW cover? Wtf. At least Bella is a total super-hottie on the EW cover. TOO BAD EDWARD IS NOT AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEFINITION OF HOT. I am just so confused. His belt is kind of cool, though.

Oh yeah, also, Re: Bella, I don't really care. I don't really care about Bella. I wouldn't be friends with her character in real life, I am pretty sure. This chick appears fine for the job.

I can't wait to see this movie.

And Jen? Vampire B&S? It could work ...

A Combo Of Elvira and Laura Ingalls Wilder

Posted by: Jen

OH WOW, what is this? A boobie dress with a dash of FLDS thrown in for fun? And do I detect (presumably knee high) leather pointy toed boots underneath that dress? How is she so confidently striking the teapot pose in this? Maybe Blake is a better actress than we thought! Or maybe she is now letting her GG stylist dress her in real life.

Update: After talking further about my horror at this monstrosity with Kim, I can now seriously say that this is the Ugliest Dress I Have Ever Seen. There, I said it.

But really, really! This is like Angela Chase's dream winter formal dress or something my kindergarten teacher wore in 1987. I can't get over it. SO BAD.

Lindsay Lohan's Leggings Cost $135

Posted by: Jen

NOW WE KNOW WHY LINDSAY WAS SEEN SPORTING FRINGEY BOOTS THAT COST 1k! At least 7.5 people have purchased her overly priced leggings! And I am talking about the kind with KNEEPADS or ZIPPERS, people. Well done Lindsay, I can now rest assured that you will not starve to death since you are not getting any work these days.

I am going to start a sock line. Some will have pom-poms, some will not, but they will all embody my youth and free spirit and general all around awesomeness. They are $85 each. Get in line ladies.

In Which We Foresee The Future:

Posted by: Kim and Jen



Jennifer: if they actually did a vampire GG episode, I would probably die of happiness
Kim: HAHAHAHA
write it up, pitch it to josh schwartz.
Jennifer: I could, it will be for season 4, when GG inevitably goes crazy and gets cancelled
Kim: yes. that's totally what's happening.
like, right after vanessa and blair start dating and serena overdoses and dies.
Jennifer: like the last season of the OC, when Marissa was dead, and it was all, what, now we have to watch Summer and Seth and random sister
Kim: chuck and nate will turn into vampires.
Kim: i didn't like marissa anyway, she was totes the weak link.
it's like how i feel gg keeps telling me i care about rufus/lily vanessa, jenny, etc.
i really don't
well, i do like jenny most of the time, her storylines are good.
Jennifer: you know season 4 it will be the rufus/lily/v/jenny show right
Kim: but really im totally like BSNC, that's all i really care about.
Jennifer: S and B will have gone on to film
Kim: yeah. sigh. prob next season, jenny will be the star. and rufus and lily are like lead couple. i wont like it anymore.
Jennifer: yeah, sigh, dan will still be there
Ed Westwick will have OD'd in real life
Kim: awwww
but yeah
Jennifer: Chace will be handcuffed to my bed
Kim: YES
Jennifer: hahahaha
Kim: or at least have given up on 'acting'and been a model, like he was designed for.
duh, chace.
Jennifer: he screams Dolce and Gabbana to me -- like, he is their print ad boy
maybe even Versace, cause he's a little tacky but sooooooo pretty
Kim: yes. they can just slick back his hair pilot-style and pile on the blush.
Jennifer: yup, I'm envisioning a velor red blazer, tighty whities and big leather boots
Kim: ew
Jennifer: that's what they do! I didn't create it!
Kim: it was like, the unprettiest vision of chace imagineable, lol
Jennifer: but he'll make millions
Kim: oh yeah, and i mean, i'll still wallpaper my ceiling, it will just take me a few minutes.
Jennifer: and then successfully foray back into acting by being Samantha's boy toy in the 5th Sex and The City movie
Kim: oh, their futures are so bright: blake will have had 2 facelifts by the time she's 29
leighton ... i don't know. in theory she should be okay, but i could see her leaving gg to do movies and then not getting work again ever and just being D-list with carter baizen.
and vanessa will obviously disappear.
or be on GG, the new class.
Jennifer: a teacher at the prep school
Kim: yes, exactly. possibly married to dan.
or a lesbian.
Jennifer: eric is already gay
they used that one too early
Kim: oh, he'll be fine though.
he'll leave at like the end of this season to go win 4 oscars and cure aids.
i love eric.

My Internet Is Broken At My House And I Have Canceled All Thinking Until After The Marathon

Posted by: Jen

This is what I look like right now. Kind of.

Excuses, excuses. I am running the Philly Marathon next weekend and all of the training has finally caught up to me. I am way too pooped to rifle through photos of Whitney Port's latest monstrosity or to yell about politics, because while I am PISSED about Prop 8 in CA (I have many thoughts, they will come someday, but good god people, no one wanted to teach your children sodomy and no one was gonna force you to watch, and your marriage would still be as just special as Britney's 24 hour quicky in Vegas, I promise), I am generally still happy/smug about Obama's win. Also, I somehow managed to break my internet at my house, and only get 2 bars when I steal from my neighbors, and I am NEGLECTING THE BLOG AND I AM SORRY. And now I have to go back to work/alternately stare off into space out of sheer exhaustion. Sorry dudes. XOXO

Amazing.

Posted by: Kim

Chuck/Ed is the most amazing person ever. Let's discuss:


Head-to-toe velour. Paisley scarf. Loafers (or are they slippers?) adorned with skulls and crossbones.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I even can discuss, I'm too busy gawking in amazement at the level of ridiculous that has been achieved so awesomely.

So obviously this is Chuck, right, not Ed, because he's complete with Chuck hair, and, like seriously, Ed's a dirty British rockstar, not an LA socialite in velour. But I'm choosing not to seek out confirmation of that fact, because the part of me that is convinced Ed is in fact turning into Chuck, thus meaning Chuck Bass has/will soon transcend television and become Real Life, really hopes this is just Ed's between-takes loungewear. Because that would be incredible.

All that said, I really can't wait for whatever episode this is.

Also, check out that woman in the bright red pants mid-sprint and fiddling with her camera in the background. I'm just saying, could be me. I do indeed have cherry-red fleece pants, because I am both from New England and can't let college go. But they would never be my Chuck-stalking attire of choice, so, she is not me. Sadly. Because seeing this in person would have made my month.

Another contender for My Birthday Party Dress of 2008

Posted by: Kim


1) Hey, America Ferrera looks fantastic. Yay, America!

2) Um, I can has?

3) It's Oscar de la Renta. I suppose I can't has.

4) Jen, don't you have those shoes?

5) Really, though. Can somebody point me in the direction of a knockoff/ripoff/something you made yourself that looks exactly like that and you want to give to me/some free money?

When Photoshop attacks

Posted by: Kim

Oh, dear god.

I think it's fairly obvious to anyone who has ever seen her before that Blake Lively is neither (1) a demon; or (2) a life-sized Barbie doll, complete with arms that snap off at the shoulder. Oh, W, W, W. How could you do this to our Serena? She's supposed to be pretty.

Another issue: Why is she dressed in what looks like it could easily line up in contention for My Birthday Dress of 2008 ... until you scroll all the way down to the bottom of the cover and see that it's a ... bright red pantsuit with a strapless, empire-waist baby doll top? Is that what it is?

Because it's either that or a strapless, empire-waist baby doll "dress" the likes and length of which even Little Jenny Humphrey hasn't even been bold enough to attempt, paired with ... red tights. ("TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!" -- Blair Waldorf)

But I can't tell, because that American flag is obstructing my view and, have I mentioned how fucking distracting her dislocated ARM is?!

Anyway. In other scandalous S news, last night's Gossip Girl was good enough, because, well, it is Gossip Girl and can never be bad, but sort of failed to impress as much as anticipated, what with Chuck not killing Dan, CreepyGrossAaron seducing Serena with photos of herself, and Jenny inexplicably screaming about how nuts Agnes is instead of knocking the bitch down and running off with her dresses (seriously, it was taking the girl 20 minutes to light the damn match anyway). But at least Wallace Shawn was in there being inconceivably awesome (ha. ha.) and Blair coined our (and by our, I mean the collective female population) new mantra, "I am Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly is me." And next week we're all thankful for Nate Archibald! Whee!

Fame: Barack Has It

Posted by: Jen
Our dear President-Elect (SQUEEEEE! Let me tell you how thrilled I am to say that! I really cannot describe how happy the outcome of the election has made me, but let's just say I am finally, for the first time in my adult life, proud of my country, optimistic, etc etc, USA!!!1, whatever...) seems to have reached the level of global superstar, and is being tracked by the paparazzi. Continue to be a rockstar, Barack! Oh and please make excellent decisions, govern well, and bring good changes to the country as president. I love you, now don't fuck it up. xoxo, Jen

Britney And Madonna!!!1

Posted by: Jen

Britney is back! Hooray! Apparently she did a guest appearance at Madonna's concert last night. She looks pretty! And cognizant! Britney, I never gave up on you, even when you insisted on wearing platform flip-flops around and subsisting on prescription drugs and iced frappuccinos.

Also, Madonna: holy thighs! I run marathons and I swear that is genetically impossible. Get down with your bad self!

People are being jerks today, so I'm looking at dresses instead of working.

Posted by: Kim

Dear Whoever Purchased My Birthday Party Dress of 2008,

Give it back. I need it. Unless you've been stuck with a Christmas-week birthday for going on 27 years too, you don't deserve it as much as I do.

XOXO,
Kim

The amazing site I found this on is here, and I would wear roughly 75% of these dresses. Unfortunately, roughly 85% of them call for a 23-inch waist. I know waistlines were higher back in the day, but ... I'm still thinking no.

Otters!

Posted by: Kim

I have already begun celebrating, and am appearing briefly here in my Merlot-fueled euphoria to express my joy that Jen has created an 'otters' tag for us.

In other news, Obama Baracks my socks off. Or something. Go blue! I'm looking at you, Pennsylvania.

Because Animal Pictures GO With Political Posts

Posted by: Jen

I looked almost as cute today when I was voting!

WHEN WILL THIS DAY BE OVER I HATE WAITING IT DRIVES ME CRAZY OMG OMG OMG!!!1

My plans tonight are 1.) Go for a run 2.) Go to bar and watch blue states light up 3.) Depending on outcome of how many blue states light up, run into street cheering wildly or drink more.

OBAMA FTW!

Posted by: Jen

Welp, tomorrow is the big day kiddies and we will be voting for Obama, in case you didn't know that by now! You all should too, dear readers, because this election is important, and I really think Obama is up for the job.

I am just really tired of people being closed minded, hateful bitches and would for once like to see the country elect a leader that is progressive. I am tired of the "us vs. them" mentality that so many on the right keep trying to play. I am tired of being called a fake American except when we are talking about 9/11. I am tired of people thinking its ok in 2008 to actively discriminate against someone for race, sexual orientation or gender. I am tired of people using religion for a reason to discriminate against others AND discriminating against people for following a certain religion (or not having one at all). I am tired of health care and the system being absolutely ridiculous (not to mention, "my health" being apparently unimportant). I am tired of seeing my tax money spent on stupid shit, like wars. I am tired of people refusing to believe that all people do not necessary come from an upper middle class white background and that not everyone has the same opportunities as others and then calling the less fortunate "lazy" for not making it. I am tired of being embarrassed of being an American, because you know what? People in other countries think we are absolute idiots over here, and from the past 8 years, I can't blame them. Let's prove them wrong tomorrow and elect a smart, competent, progressive leader for once.

Go Team Liberal Elitists!