I Want Mischa Barton To Be Our Friend

Posted by: Jen

You know what, despite not knowing Mischa Barton to be anyone other than Marissa Cooper, and since knowing her only as that has led me to "meh" feelings about her because Summer and Seth were CLEARLY the stars on The OC not matter how hard they tried to make it all about Marissa and Ryan (oh, GG, do I see a pattern with Josh Schwartz backed shows in which the leads are boring and the "secondary" characters are awesome? Perhaps).

Anyway, as Fashion Week in Paris is upon us, I have had the opportunity to see more of M (I am going to call her that because it works for BOTH Mischa AND Marissa!), and I will say, I have taken a liking to her. First her awesome yellow dress and now this:

Yes! It is M celebrating her 23rd birthday as all 23 year olds should: in a fabulous fluffy/feathery dress, complete with ironic tiara, all wastey faced. I love her. I am here by adding her to our Dream Team of friends, because if anything, she will bring some fun to our parties!

Also, I don't care if you can act M, it's fine. I wasn't floored by your performance as Marissa. Maybe you should change the game and just be a fun socialite who dresses well and parties most excellently and gets paid for it. We all know that's what I would be if I had the rich parents/hair for it.

On All The Anonymous Hate Vomit

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Kim: i am really confused. seriously. do i know that person?

Jennifer: you have to
you get so much hate

Kim: because the anonymouses are always calling me out on being things that
are not indicated by the post AT ALL
so i feel like it has to be personal
how does someone not adore me?!
jk

Jennifer: maybe you defriended them on facebook

Kim: omg
i do do that

Jennifer: i do too

Where I was last week ...

Posted by: Kim

WATCHING HISTORY HAPPEN.

I'm in there. Stripey hat with a pompom or three, because when I am cold I turn into a five-year-old. That tuft of pink fuzz in the immediate foreground may or may not be a part one of the hats in my party of friends, actually ...

I've found the experience more difficult to talk about than I anticipated. It's not that I was any more or less moved or ecstatic than I assumed I would be, but I also haven't really figured out how to put into words how happy I was just to have been there, despite the fact that I was really just watching it all go down on a giant tv surrounded by millions of people -- so really, I saw it happen basically the same way everyone did with a slightly (majorly) larger group. So each time someone has asked, "how WAS it?!" I've felt pretty generic in my gushing, "Amazing! Inspiring! Just ... something I'll never get to do again, that I'm so glad I decided to do..."

But it's true. The enormity and importance of the moment felt magnified. The woman standing behind me cried the entire time, all the while with a huge smile on her face. TWO, count 'em, of my male friends teared up during Aretha Franklin's staggering performance (I adored the hat, btw), and I found no time to cry because I was so busy jumping up and down in utter excitement with the French Canadian guy (shout out, Jen!) beside me who kept grabbing my arm and telling me how happy he was for America.

To be with so many people generating such a positive energy and standing in solidarity isn't something I can say I've ever really experienced before, and I think it indicates just how much the tides are about to turn for the better in our country that already the sense of unity among us is stronger than most people I know can remember it ever being.

My favorite part of Obama's speech:

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace."

Two Wins And A FAIL!

Posted by: Jen

Ooooh, fashion week in Paris! Why wasn't I invited?

Oh, right, because I am not important enough. Anyway, I will pretend I am and give two thumbs up (to each) to Keira and Mischa for looking AWESOME.

First, Keira at the Chanel show:

Kim would die over this and even though I am not a big pencil skirt fan (I am too short to pull it off) I do have to say this is awesome. If I were a lawyer or somebody professional, this would be my office outfit. I also think I am a fan of Keira's bangs, even though they remind me of the kind I had when I was four... They started at the middle of my head and came forward to cover my eyebrows. Whatever, it was the 80's and I was adorable.

Next, Marissa Cooper!

Yay! Hi Mischa, I forgot about you. You still look nice and I have to admit, I REALLY like that color. I also like the cut and the details. The shoes are kind of stripper-y but your fabulous hair makes up for it. Now, please tell me that is not a real fur that you are holding and I will go see your next movie, whatever it is.

Lastly (not in Paris, some random event), our FAIL:


Leighton!!! What is is this? Did you decide to go with a strapless bandage dress, worry that you might get chilly and throw a sheer dress over it, just in case? We expect so much more of you! What would Blair Waldorf say?

Kitten Live Feed!

Posted by: Jen

Why hasn't anyone thought of this sooner? A live feed of kittens! Click on the image to watch!

I'm back!

Posted by: Kim

And there was another awards show I could not care less about the other night, which meant I got to stare at dresses when I felt like avoiding work!


Apparently the theme of the Sag Awards this year was One-Shoulder, and in most cases it appears it worked. My favorite was Evan Rachel Wood, though I hate hate hate her accent clutch and shoes.


So, when my (and Jen's) friend Sam got married the summer before last, I wore this color in her wedding and it was tough. I tanned for it. Not in a booth or anything, but sort of obsessively (and through sunblock, because I'm pretty obsessive about that too) on the beach for a week. Her wedding was beautiful and so were the pictures, and I like my share of light colored polos and headbands as much as the next girl, but I've always been iffy on formal pastels as a rule (I wore a strapless black ball gown to my high school prom in the year 2000, better know as the Year of Lavender, Spaghetti Straps and Butterfly Clips, if that's any indication). However, I loved Slumdog Millionaire (and am so psyched that apparently the rest of the world did too, and Freida Pinto was so good in it and she is so pretty and this dress is so pretty and she fortunately does have the coloring to pull it off, so, it's on my list. Also her diamond bracelet is killer.



I would probably wear this everywhere if there was any chance in hell I could fit even one of my boobs in it. Lucky Claire Danes. I think it's so pretty. And I guessed Carolina Herrera but it's Nina Ricci.

That's all. Have at it, haters! I know, I know. I'm from the East Coast and all, so...

On World Events...

Posted by: Jen

My boyfriend and I discuss recent MOST AWESOME legislation:

BF: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7847651.stm
Jennifer: I KNOW
I KNOW I KNOW! He's so awesome!
like, the US was denying all foreign family planning clinics $ if they even mentioned abortion... that's so mean, especially in places like Africa!
BF: i know
that’s a big F@ck up
Jennifer: talk about not respecting individual choice
BF: yes, let’s make the poorest people in the world have more kids that they obviously cannot afford and will starve to death
Jennifer: I know
BF: woo pro life! i wouldn’t exactly call that a life...
jokers
Jennifer: or, let the clinic rot that is helping people in lots of other ways besides killing babies
“oh, no malaria shot for you, we provide information about abortion!”
no, that's thing, I find that pro-life people are shockingly callous, when it comes to living people
BF: what’s that, you want advice on how to get safe drinking water?
sorry, excuse the pun, that advice dried up when the funding did!
Jennifer: like they really care about that fetus, but screw the mom, the rest of the family and environment
BF: so far he has: lifted this ban, given stem cell research the go ahead, closed Guantanamo… i hate to say it, but he has done more in 3 days than Bush did in 8 years
the last decade was such a shame, hopefully it will just be a small blemish on the history of mankind
Jennifer: I know!!! I am so happy about all of it
I also enjoy that he is treating his critics as if they were 5 years old
"My oath wasn't perfect? FINE. I WILL RETAKE IT SO YOU SHUT UP."
he's a really great person
BF: yeah
Jennifer: I hope he continues to be like that
BF: i think he'll be ok
imagine if they find a cure for cancer now because they can do stem cell research
i hope all those that were opposed to it never reap the rewards of it
Jennifer: yeah exactly... like, ok you don't believe in it? Fine, die.
I would totally donate my eggs for that; they can help people who can't walk
BF: but your eggs, although unfertilized could have been a baby!!!
how dare you!?!?
Jennifer: didn't you hear? I am pre-pre-pregnant, and must act so at all times
BF: exactly
Jennifer: I should take you to Planned Parenthood, they would love you
BF: although you are not, you have the potential to be pregnant
Jennifer: and I have to respect LIFE!!!1
BF: i was thinking though (even before Obama’s great speech) we should do some charity work for a couple of hours a week
Jennifer: sure
BF: cleanse the soul
Jennifer: I like killing babies, helping little kids, animals…
whatever you want to do
BF: i want to put shampoo in a rabbit’s eyes, what charity is that?

Not Trying To Start An East Coast/West Coast Thing, But...

Posted by: Jen

I am desperately trying not to channel my inner Biggie and lash out at a metaphorical Tupac, but COME ON PEOPLE, must I really point this out?! Fashion Capitals of the world: London, Paris, Milan and NEW YORK. Is L.A. mentioned as one? No? Does L.A. have a sad, sad little fashion week in which Lauren Conrad debuts her latest line of jersey dresses weeks after the Chanel show in Paris and Marc Jacobs in New York? YES.

Sorry guys, when it comes to knowing how to dress yourself without velour, New York wins. ALWAYS. I'm sorry if I never learned to appreciate highlights and piling on millions of trendy accessories; blame it on the cold weather, I just don't see it.

Now, I know there will be the haters who will all be like, "Bitch! I love my Juicy and you don't know anything!" so I am providing photographic evidence:

Yes. Here we have adorable Shenae Grimes acting a fool in my grandfather's sweater, velvet sweat pants and SPARKLY Uggs! jdkajdakljdllaldk! And we cannot say that such a concoction of random clothing is a rare event. It is not. Scan any celebrity photo blog and you will see many people (ok, all famous, but I'm thinking the non-famous people follow suit) in L.A. dressed in exactly the same manner.

And now, to drive my point home, not meaning to hate on the 90210 girls because I like that show and I think they are great and pretty, but I would like to be their stylist because they need a tiny bit of help, I give you Annalyne McCord and her sisters:

Whaaaaaaat? What's this? Leggings with a shirt that is clearly not a dress? A boob crushing vest with jodhpurs? Liquid leggings with some kind of religious scarf? Oh dear god, a Forever 21 exploded all over them, it's a miracle they weren't killed!

So, self righteous commentators professing that I know nothing and being from New York is somehow unfortunate for my sense of style, there you have it, proof! Nobody goes out like this in New York, ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Deep Lunchtime Thoughts Over My Sandwich...

Posted by: Jen

I have a few things to comment on, so I decided to put it all in one post for convenience's sake.

First off, filed under Things I Refuse To Believe No Matter How Many Times You Tell Me, I give you Eva Longoria:

Yeah, she's doing the Katie Holmes' baggy jeans roll thing that was thrust upon us last year. Eva, I am more likely to believe Katie than you on all things fashion (as you normally run around in 1980's prom inspired evening dresses, alternating with Uggs and Juicy Couture), but for real for real, I am not getting on this bandwagon no matter how often you insist on doing it. Fashion fail.

Next, I would just like to remind everyone again that I would like to be Victoria Beckham when I grow up:

Perfect, as usual (even with the matching red shoes). All signs of my sudden transformation point to this not happening as 1. there already is a VB, and 2. I am kind of sloppy. So, I will instead be satisfied if she joins our Dream Team of Friends and let's me borrow her shoes and accessories ('cause we all know I am not getting my hulking marathon-ized thighs into any of her clothes).

Last, I give you PRESIDENT Obama and Michelle's first dance at the Inaugural Ball, soundtrack by Beyonce:



Not gonna lie, this brings a tear to my eye... They look so happy! Michelle's pretty dress! THEY TWIRL! Beyonce gets choked up! I am quite happy that we finally have a leader that I can believe in. Good luck to President Obama!

Come On People, You Can Never Have Too Much Cheese!

Posted by: Jen


Seriously people, I think the main difference between men and women is that for women, nothing can ever be too cheesy! I love cheese; in fact I have never met a girl that ever has said that something is TOO cheesy. That would be girl sacrilege. I'm not saying boys don't/can't like cheese (my bf loves a good cheese plate, and this is why we get along) but I am saying that girls are the experts on cheese and are more apt at determining good cheese and proper cheesiness, therefore I find it offensive when Christopher questions my love for cheese:

Chris: i think this soup is slightly too cheesy even for my tastes

Jennifer: Oh I love it

but I am a girl and nothing can ever be too cheesy

Chris: no, i love cheese more than you

guaranteed -- every kind, any style, doesn't matter

Jennifer: no, I love cheese more than you, I am sure of it

Chris: no there is absolutely no chance of that

Jennifer: like, I feel like if there is one kind of food that I like more it is cheese

Chris: nope

Jennifer: wrong

Chris: no

Jennifer: also, you just said that it was too cheesy

I do not think it is... in fact, if I had sprinkled cheese on top of it it would have been perfect

Chris: i am realizing that it's not the cheese...

its the mashed potato that's screwing up slightly

Jennifer: since when have you developed a sensitive palate!?

Chris: never, I eat everything, and like it generally -- you know this

Jennifer: exactly, and this soup is perfect

Chris: you are the picky one

Jennifer: maybe you are sick

Chris: no, you are wrong

Jennifer: nope

and now, a rebuttal (and a chance at redemption for boys everywhere):

Jennifer: Chris says there is something off about the soup...

he thought it was the cheese, like it was TOO CHEESY

Boy co-worker: no such thing!

Happy inauguration Weekend!

Posted by: Jen

Goodbye Mr. Bush, don't let the White House door hit you on your way out!

Anyway, Kim is making a pitstop in NY on her way down to cover (heh, I'm assigning you a story Kim) the inauguration! Right now, being the obsessive compulsive neat freak that I am (and living up to my mother's expectations) I am cleaning my apt for her. I would have done it anyway though, as the bf is out in Utah snowboarding and rubbing elbows with famous people at Sundance. I made the last part up. I have nothing interesting to say so I am going to stop now.

Much better.

Posted by: Kim

So happy to see Vogue does right by Blake (of course it does! ... although ... her arm is still vaguely Barbie-snappy-off...-y...overlooking, overlooking!), unlike that W cover that was such an atrocity I'm choosing not to link to my post about it ...



I love her lipstick! (And her hair, per usual, but, the lipstick is something I feel I can actually emulate, so, there you go.)

Does anyone know who made that bracelet, and where I can get it for a few grand less than I'm sure it goes for?

In other news, I'm off to our nation's capital to witness history next week. Over to Jen!

On journalism today.

Posted by: Kim

RE: Today's plane crash

Jennifer: I was like checking cnn, and ny1

and I was like, fuck it, gawker scoops everyone

of course they do

We are of course incredibly relieved/happy that everyone who was on board is safe.

Revenge.

Posted by: Kim

To follow up Jen's most recent post, and embark on my new resolution to blog more often, I am here to get Jen back for outing me as a Sometimes-Squeeing-Robert-Pattinson-Crush-Haver the other day. I may even add in extraneous gushing punctuation where I see necessary. Hmmph.

Re: Twilight 3 (she has me doing it now, see, but I'm going to spare you the conversation we had during which I tried to force her to accept how much sense the actual titles make and she started going on about solar eclipses coming before twilight), we had a talk that went something like this:

Kim: Did you finish Twilight 2? Did you love how Edward [spoiler spoiler spoiler] SPARKLING [spoiler]?!

Jen: YES. And I bought Twilight 3 at the airport - so the salesclerk will never see me again!

Kim: Twilight 3 is the BEST. Wait. Was it hardcover?

Jen: Yes. $20!!!11!

Kim: Omg. I can't believe you spent $20 on it. DO NOT spend $20 to get Breaking Dawn. I mean, Twilight 4. I got them both for less than $20 on Amazon. I will give you Twilight 4 on Saturday. It's not worth $20. I mean, unless you want the whole collection for yourself ...

Jen: Um.

Kim: HA. YOU DO. Wait. Does this mean you're keeping my copy of Twilight 1? In that case, you can just keep my Twilight 4 too. I'll already be incomplete.

Jen: No, I will get it. You can have your Twilight 1 back.

Kim: I cannot believe we are both going to have full Twilight collections. BECAUSE OF YOU. (ed: That last fragment was just added now, I will admit. But it's TRUE. And Jen doesn't even like to have things in her apartment.)

Um, You Guys?

Posted by: Jen

I'm on the third Twilight, purchased at Chicago O'Hare, knowing that the bookseller would never see me again.

Though, to my defense, I didn't read as much of it as I wanted to on the plane because of the trio of fabulous gay boys, drunk from authentic Mexican tequila on their way back from Cancun, who insisted on singing Beyonce and Rent with me (or rather, they sang while I drank a Bloody Mary). Love them.

Linking Directly To Gawker Is Cheap, But...

Posted by: Jen

Oh god, this is just too good to pass up: http://gawker.com/5126704/the-citys-secretly-trashy-nevan-tried-to-swap-drugs-for-a-blow-job

Obviously I totally refuse to watch this show, and am still a little perplexed at the fake geography that Kim tried to explain to me earlier today*, but it seems as if Olivia's "classy" uptown friends are actually pretty trashy. Oh also, don't worry Whitney, I met tons of douche-y guys my first year in the city and after a while you get smart and learn how to spot them, despite what your fake socialite friends are saying. It might take you a little longer than it did me (like your entire life).

*Kim explains The City's new NYC geography:

Jennifer: Uptown vs. Downtown?
really really?
Kim: omg, Jen. yes, really.
Jennifer: they are fucking stupid!
I had to swear to show my disgust
Kim: but they all dont go north of Canal Street, like, ever.
Jennifer: is that even a real thing? Have I just never heard of this? Too bad W works on 14th street... is she ok up there?
Kim: oh, yes. because that is "Uptown"
Jennifer: also, all of the clubs they prob go to are in Meatpacking/Chelsea, right? Where is that?
Kim: Uptown
Tribeca/Meatpacking = Uptown. Seriously.
I'm like, dude, Olivia eats at Sarabeth's and lives on 5th! COME ON.
Like they want to do Uptown/Downtown, but the socialites refuse to look stuffy and untrendy, so they have equated Tenjune with Uptown. And Gramercy Park with Downtown.
Jennifer: all of the boys in the promo pictures look like they are from Hoboken!
Kim: lol, yes. The boys are just as trashy as The Hills ones: there's the musclebound one and the dirty rocker, and then the "Uptown boys" are gay. And ugly.
Jennifer: there has actually been a lot of shit talking on Page 6 about that show -- they hate them too, so that's good.
Kim: I was like, no no no. I mean, they are right that some people are snotty and socialites are prob bitchy, but it's present so ... Hills-like. and contrived.
Jennifer: Olivia is a BAD socialite though! She isn't even a real one, she tried to be!
Kim: like they keep being like, 'DONT LET WHITNEY GET CAUGHT UP WITH THE DOWNTOWN CROWD!'
and I'm like, oh, no, why? She might hang out with an NYU grad and listen to some shitty music? who cares?
Jennifer: Question, if 14th street is Uptown and SoHo is Downtown and clearly they don't go to the Financial district, then where exactly do I live?
Kim: Upstate.
Yes, New York has been shrunk so much to include a 12-block radius, it seems.
No wonder they only went to one club in LA. they don't like to take into account the fact that cities have actual neighborhoods.
Jennifer: Do they ride the train?
Kim: no. they walk.
duh. it's East Village to West, nbd.
Jennifer: I guess if they can't leave those 15 blocks there isn't a point.
Kim: It's not like they go far: work at DVF, eat at Nero, go to Tenjune.
Then hop over to Gramercy to visit Erin the Downtown Friend.
lol
Jennifer: But Gramercy is "Uptown", like above 14th... How is she downtown?
Kim: NO IT ISN'T WATCH THE SHOW JEN.
Jennifer: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAAAAAAAAA
Kim: Um, NYU is cool like Downtown Jen, deal with it. Tt really has nothing to do with location whatsoever.
Jennifer: oh ok, so it's a state of mind, not a geographical location.

'Oh, a dinner party! That's so New York!'

Posted by: Kim

Last night I drank a vodka soda immediately after working out, and, hey, guess what happens when you do that? Severely. Wasted. But I actually didn't do anything overly stupid once Severely Wasted (I managed to complete that daily requirement at the gym, actually, when I was That Girl who malfunctioned on the treadmill - note I did not say on a malfunctioning treadmill - who somehow went from running to, you know, sort of on the ground. Oh, shoelaces, you are diabolical).

No, no. I just somehow convinced the cute boy ... er, man ... boy ... man ... that I probably have a giant crush on that we should catch up on (read: start watching) The City.

Cut to me, still in my gym clothes and sweaty ponytail and drunk face, 20 minutes later, tirading around my living room. Like we're talking obscene hand gestures, and fluctuating intonation due to intense rage.

Jen warned me that this would happen, but I refused to listen, because, see, I like Whitney Port. Well, I liked her on The Hills, anyway, cause she was sort of the voice of reason amidst the mindsuck, the one person with ambition in the middle of the vacuous hole of 'life' they were projecting to be what LA is all about. Of course, with The Hills I just totally bought it and adored it, in that way that anyone from/living in/having lived in/who prefers New York, etc., would, because, as that Sex and the City episode taught us, we are preconditioned to hate LA. But of course, like the same episode taught us, we are wrong in doing so for a number of reasons, all largely relating to the weather. But when it comes down to it, we still believe the myths. Not the myths Angelinos themselves think the rest of the world believes (you know, that they are all beautiful and rich and glam and celebrities) but the myths that they're all tacky and new money and vapid and annoying. You know, it's totally not fair, in all likelihood. But The Hills totally plays it up, and the nation totally eats it up.

So of course I was like, well, good thing they can't portray New York shittily. It's impossible! New York will beat even the most contrived of life manipulations and MTV-approved stereotypes! It's NEW YORK.

And well. New York looks great. The fashion is better (no thanks to Whitney, actually, who, as Jen has noted, somehow managed to lose the fashions sense she inexplicably had in LA when she moved to a place where people actually know what's up, but thanks to the fact that she works at DVF so we're treated to runway shows pretty often, and because Erin and Olivia do the respective hipster/socialite looks well), the music is the same, the boys are just as douchey but cooler, and the real estate is remarkably similar despite the fact that, hi, that's sort of impossible, but whatevs.

But omg, The City. You lost me at dinner parties being 'so New York' and then you buried me when, immediately after hammering home what is apparently going to be the show's niche, the 'Uptown vs. Downtown' thing (I mean, hi, see Gossip Girl, and it's Manhattan vs. Brooklyn, kthxbye), and then having uptown princess Olivia throw her New York-style dinner party at her penthouse apartment ... in Tribeca. Uh. I mean, yes, the line between Tribeca and say, Gramercy Park, or Soho, is evident. But Tribeca also isn't uptown, like, in any sense of word/location/behavior, but I guess they're going with its proximity to the Meatpacking District and how that's the trendiest and sparkliest and fashionyest and all those down and dirty Downtown hipsters are gonna be hanging exclusively at 151 sporting blunt bangs and lots of plaid and leggings, while the Uptown crowd lives at Tenjune, and, oh, hey! They're at Tenjune. Shocker.

Okay, but the kids of art dealers bit was hilarious, as was Olivia and what a bitch she is in general. Especially talking about her cotillion and Manolos, like, omfg. Also they do a good job of showing that Whitney really might be too naive for New York, although the subsequent throwdown between men over her affections is really pretty New Jersey of them, but, eh, one's Australian and the other's from, I don't know, California or Texas or something, so, sure.

I'm probably going to watch this religiously and fly into fits of rage on a weekly basis, now. But at least it's making me sit back and take a look at what MTV can do to stereotype your entire city and make it look like it's full of idiots, and so now I should take back some of my preconceived notions about LA, largely drawn from The Hills. Except, I won't.

When is Lauren coming to The City?

Sincerely Thanking The Anonymity of The Internet...

Posted by: Jen

I have a confession. Kim will not be surprised, but I want -- no, need -- to come clean and will do it under the anonymous blanket of the internet. It's like confessing behind the partition at church except without the lying about what you really did part. Anyway:

IREALLYLIKETWILIGHTMORETHANISHOULDANDIFEELGUILTY
BECAUSEIAM26ANDNOT16!!!

Ahhh.

So, I went to go see the movie in theaters because if anything, you know I love watching pretty 22 year olds playing pretty teenagers (re: Gossip Girl, any teen horror movie, and more recently, the new 90210 -- might as well come completely clean since I am confessing), and who doesn't love vampires? Anyway, I liked the movie, and didn't feel that bad because I always like movies like that -- you know, the deliciously good to watch kind that are all fluff with little substance... The kind that people who brag about listening to only NPR roll their eyes at, because it draws throngs of screaming teenage to the premier.

I am no screamer, ever, just to put that out there. Kim squees sometime and I might squeak at a cute animal but I would never, ever scream over anything, really. Not in that way at least; maybe if someone was actually trying to murder me or something.

But I digress... Kim found the first Twilight book (I am aware that they all have different names but I will call them Twilight 1-4 out of laziness) at Marshalls for like $7 and had to buy it because even though she hasn't admitted it outright, I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Robert Pattinson and just wanted an excuse to think about/visualize him more, but actually ended up really liking it in the process. She then sent it to me for xmas, and now I have a problem.

Who wouldn't like this? It is like reading crack laced candy with sexy, sexy vampires. I love it and it's addicting and yet my inner intellectual -- the one that comes out occasionally in between episodes of GG or thinking about shoes to scoff at The Davinci Code, or to edit my boyfriend's grad school application essay or to question the meaning of life -- is SO ASHAMED! IT IS FOR TEENAGERS AND IT ISN'T EVEN WRITTEN WELL BUT YET I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! GAHHHH!

Not to mention the real actual problems I should have with it, regardless of what audience it was written for. The author's religious message, the fact that she portrays Bella as an independent woman despite the fact that the story is decidedly non-feminist and the general lack of adjectives besides "granite".

I don't care though, I really don't. And I think to myself, "Self, if you had a sexy, sexy real life vampire whispering into your ear about maybe believing in God while he was grazing your neck with his perfect mouth, would you care about religious debate?" and the answer is always a resounding, giant, NOOOOO! And that answer is giving me some kind of identity crisis because I think I stand for some stuff (Stuff! See I'm forgetting it already!) but I could easily be deterred by perfect beauty. Sigh, nobody tell Gloria Steinem, ok?

Oh, so the point of my post: tonight after work I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the second book. After perusing the new paperback fiction as not to make anyone suspicious about my mission, I casually headed to the teen section and immediately started sweating with embarrassment. Everyone else in the store was clearly buying Proust while I was standing there looking decidedly young in my dirty Converse, puffy jacket with fur around the hood and purple stripe-y gloves. And they obviously all knew what I was looking for and were silently laughing at me.

After circling the teen section unable to find Twilight 2, thinking that since I had regressed to reading children's books I clearly couldn't find one by alphabetical order anymore, I decided to ask an employee. I was horrified and slid over to one, sweating, and had the following exchange:

Me: Um hi. Do you have that book... Twilight?
Her: (Remarkably not phased about the fact that a 26 year old was asking for it) Yeah, it's on the big table in the middle of the store by the escalator.

Great. Where everyone could see. I ran over to the table, grabbed the book and sprinted to the register to pay, hiding the cover against my jacket.

The cashier did not break out in laughter either, if you were wondering. So maybe I got all worked up over nothing, or maybe she silently judged and I should be ashamed , I don't know; it was the NY Times #1 Bestseller after all, so maybe I am not pathetic, but rather just following the crowd. Anyway, internal conflict aside, all that really matters is that I finally got Twilight 2, AND AM SO EXCITED!!! And I won't have to ever relive the B&N horror ever again because now I know exactly where the Twilight table is.

It Is Steve Madden, Not Manolo ...

Posted by: KimI've been looking for a pair of really great tall, flat boots for a while now. Initially I wanted riding boots in dark brown, which somehow led to me buying an amazing pair of ... cognac boots ... mid-calf ... heeled ... see my problem? So I amended to black, and after listening to Jen sing the praises of the Steve Madden pair above (which she has in cognac) and applying a 35% off coupon she forwarded me, I was super excited to get my hands on these.

Have I mentioned the Kim Luck yet? Well, the Kim Luck is the exact opposite of luck, really. It's kind of a perpetual entity in my life too, but I really can't complain much because it's not like horrible, tragic things take place in my life daily, more like whatever can go wrong when it's concerning a not-so-important event, will. 110%. The most common reaction I get to most of my tales of woe is: "Of course that would happen to you." Hence, I fall down a lot. I get lost a lot. I spill things a lot. Stevemadden.com sends me the wrong color boots. Etc. It really just keeps things interesting.

So, anyway, the latest moment of Kim Luck led to the following conversation. I sort of hate to do it, because I love Steve Madden, really a lot. Every shoe I own by Steve Madden is a favorite: comfortable, attractive, affordable. Stevemadden.com, however, and its customer service? Pfft.

me: omg stevemadden.com or whatever FAIL AT LIFE.

Jennifer: OMG

I saw that this am (note: "That" refers to my furious text the night before, which read, : "The fucktards sent cognac!!!")

Jennifer: those are the ones I have though, aren't they pretty?

are you sending them back?

me: okay, so, sending me the wrong color is annoying, but what happened after is the reallllly dumb part.

yes, they were very pretty, haha.

but i already have cognac boots.

Jennifer: what happened?

me: so there was this letter enclosed, that was like, CALL US IMMEDIATELY if your order is not as expected! we love helping! or some such shit.

and then it was like, 'p.s., just so you know, we don't do exchanges, because we get screwed sometimes and would rather screw you.'

like it pretty much said that

even snottier.

Jennifer: they don't exchange?

me: it was like, 'our products are in high demand, so if you dont like what you got, suck it. you can return but not exchange.'

I KNOW.

so i was like, okay, that's dumb, but whatever,

me: i'm not exchanging, i am getting what i ordered.

Jennifer: yeah.

what did they say?

me: so i call, and the guy's like, 'oh man, sorry about that. i am sending a free return label to your email right now.'

'you mail them back from any post office'

and i was like, 'okay, super...um, then what?'

and he was like, 'then you wait til it gets to the warehouse, and within 30 days after that you will get refunded.'

and i was like, 'okayyyy ... what about my boots?'

and he was like, 'oh, you have to order them again. didn't you see? we dont exchange.'

and i was like, !!!!

'but you guys messed up! im not exchanging cause i didn't know my size or felt like changing colors! my order slips say all over them they are black boots, and they are not!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, but *recites no exchange policy about how sm is too cool for customer service*'

and i was like, 'but ... i had a 35% off coupon, and free shipping!'

and he was like, 'well there will be no charge to ship them back, only on the new ones.'

Jennifer: HAH!

me: and i was like, 'omg, okay, i gotta speak to someone else.'

Jennifer: that is ridiculous

me: and he was like, 'they will tell you the same thing!'

Jennifer: they always say that

and thennnn ...

me: so i was like, 'okay, then, i demand you give me my 35% coupon and free shipping on all accounts because THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, i am not authorized to issue coupons. and i have explained our exchange policy!'

Jennifer: did you demand to talk to someone else again?

me: and i was like, 'yes, and it is extremely unsatisfactory, as are you. please put a supervisor on. NOW.'

Jennifer: good for you

me: so this super comes on and i'm like, 'hi, okay, before you recite your inane no exchange policy, which just so you know is pretty much the most assured way to LOSE SALES, i've already heard it.

'i get it. I need to return my boots AND re-order, thus wasting my time cause you messed up. but i refuse to pay more for the pair of boots i ordered in the first place.'

and she was like, 'alright, that's fine. i will send out the correct boots for the same price and you will not be charged any shipping.'

and i was like, 'okay. now explain how payment works.'
and she was like, 'well, because we don't do exchanges because we can't get screwed eff you, what happens is ... you will get your refund in 30-45 days. but you will be charged for the new boots when they ship in one to three days.'

and i was like, 'DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF?! THIS IS RETARDED!'

and she was like, 'miss, do you not understand the policy?' and i was like, 'i am YELLING AT THE POLICY!'

Jennifer: oh so they'd double charge you until they get the boots

that is really bad.

me: 'because for up to a week, i will be out $200 and have NO boots'

'and for a month i will have a pair of boots for double the cost!'

and she was like, 'well, we can't get screwed. i mean, what if your return gets lost in the mail?'

Jennifer: oh god.

me: and i was like, 'I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD EMPLOY FACTORY WORKERS WHO CAN READ THE WORD BLACK?!'

and then i was like, 'FINE. i am keeping my order ONLY because i REALLY want these. but i wont order from you again. and if for some reason, i am not refunded, i will sue you.'

haha.

and she was like, 'that's dramatic.' and i was like, 'i'm not getting screwed because your policy PLANS for it. duh. i have free legal representation!'

so i bought delivery confirmation on my package.

i am so mad.

maybe i am overreacting a little, but isn't that so dumb?

they fuck up, so i get charged twice for up to 45 days?

RECESSION, ASSFACES!

Jennifer: well I mean, it's absolutely stupid that they are setting it up so that you lose your money if something bad happens because of their mistake

but at least she gave you the same price and free shipping

but I would be really pissed too

about having to wait and shell out all of that money

me: yes. although i really don't see how they could do business if they didn't offer that. it would be absurd.

like this is already ridiculous, but being like, 'oh, you ordered on sale but we sent the wrong thing, bummmmmmerrrr', would be out of control.

i'm not losing my money, lol

i will call them every day after i see the package is delivered back to the warehouse if i don't hear from them.

Jennifer: I did that with urban outfitters

I had to call them three times to correct my address because they like, said they did and didn't

and then when it was in their warehouse I called them to tell them

and they were like, "Ooohhh. Cool. We'll send it out then."

me: wtf

Jennifer: so when are you getting the boots

me: i don't know. i guess soon.

i haven't gotten an email saying they shipped yet, like she said I would.

Jennifer: HAH

Jennifer: Figures.obviously they WOULD send you the wrong color.

me: YES I KNOW.

when i opened the package and saw it said 'cognac' on the box i seriously like barfed in fury.

Jennifer: HAHAHA

me: and then i stared at it for a while, being like, 'oh, maybe it's just the wrong BOX'

no.i got the order confirmation

lol

im totally like, donating $206 to steve madden.

sigh.

if my boots never come i am suing for SO MANY boots

Jennifer: yeah you could have [redacted] write a scary letter

me: lol, and steve madden's defense will be, 'well, you see, our products are in such high demand and so minimally produced, i mean, they are practically one of a kind couture, so we can't just fix our mistakes without covering our asses. it's not our fault she expected to receive her order!'

Jennifer: I know

what is that?

they make millions of those things

me: i know! i was seriously laughing at the verbiage of their policy in the first place!

Jennifer: it is steve madden, not manolo.