Devine Intervention? Karma? Luck? Or It WOULD Happen To Kim?

Posted by: (drunk) Jen

I choose the latter -- it would happen to our fair heroine Kimberley. Rear ended by a skeezy dude while she stopped for a valiant pedestrian who took her side in the police report. A totaled car! Well, well, well, looks like someone WINS!

I am gleeful. And glad that Kim isn't in a neck brace. Although that would be kind of humorous but only because I know her and if you know her it would be; kind of like a kitten with one of those cone things on its neck. Alas, but I digress...

XOXO

For Just Pennies A Day...

Posted by: Jen

Click the pic for where to buy it. For me. And if you bitches all buy it before I do and it is sold out there will be hell to pay. HELL!

This is my new obsession. Sometimes, when I see something of true beauty I get a very strong reaction of "I WANT! I NEED! I WILL DIE WITHOUT!", which is pretty sad because you know, people are starving in the world, but I can't help it and I am so sorry for being a vapid consumerist.

I am considering starting up a collection (PayPal account?) to buy this. Kim probably will need one too, so we need to raise a total of $350. Who is in?!

No but really, but really. Someone talk me down because I am thisclose to pulling out the Visa.

O Hai James Dobson... Focus On Your Family And Leave Me Alone!

Posted by: Jen

Click the pic to read the story!

Why is it that the freaks come out of the woodwork every four years in time for an election? Case in point: James Dobson. Apparently he thinks people want to hear what he has to say and CNN feels the need to validate this.

His latest move is accusing Obama of 'distorting' the Bible. Now, I don't think Obama has really misinterpreted or distorted anything, but is rather, you know, upholding Separation of Church and State. There is a difference people. Not everyone agrees on everything and therefore we should not tailor the Constitution according to one religion. Religion is not a fact (re: the 40292 different kinds in the world, all proclaiming to be correct) and therefore, factual life should not be based on it.

I mean, yeah, please don't go raping and killing and pillaging and drowning kittens, but I'm pretty sure not doing that has nothing to do with religion anyway.

If someone is "morally" opposed to something that does not directly affect them in any way and it doesn't harm others, then yes, they are free not to do it, but they are also not free to change the rules so others cannot -- especially if they are not in the majority. And James is certainly not in the majority, he is craaazzzzy and people only listen to him because he hides behind a bible. Not cool, Jimmy, I want facts behind your arguments.

I just have a really hard time with people who are like, against gay marriage. What does it have to do with you? REALLY? Are you dragged into their bedroom and forced to watch? Do you have gay people beating down your door telling you to change your straight ways? If you don't like it/think it's awful/gross/damning into eternal hellfire, then by all means, don't do it. But if other people don't think it is a bad thing and want to marry the person they love, then they should be able to.

Ok Chuck, I Will Put Aside My Hatred Of Puffy And Attend The White Party With You...

Posted by: Jen

So, basically, I am a fan of the paparazzi for one time in my life because they are doing an excellent job at keeping tabs on the GG casts' summer. I mean, obviously I have a job so I can't jet out to the Hamptons (ok, it would be the Jitney if I went) to stalk them, so somebody needs to do it. Looks like the kids are going to a white party, exxxceelllent. Though, I doubt even our friend Chuck would get in -- doesn't he know the rules?! Nothing but white allowed, and I think that Balenciaga-esque piping would disqualify him. That's cool though, then we could unite in our mutual hatred for P.Diddy and revenge would be ours!

And now, The Revelation of The Day (maybe week):
Jennifer: omg
little fish
kim, your tattoo is a bass
you have a chuck bass tramp stamp
now it has meaning!
Kim: lol, i am not tattooing im chuck bass on myself.
HAHAHA
my tat is totes like, bass food. but i'll go with it. baby bass stamp. oh gross, child molestation. or not. let's not lie. i'd...nevermind. hahahahaha. bass tramp stamp. wow.

More thoughts on becoming elderly.

Posted by: Kim

I would like to take this time to chime in on Jen's most recent post about Being Old with a little story about what happened to me last week when I woke up still drunk on Friday after three glasses of wine the night before.

(For the record, Jen being "not as old as me" translates to "she is six months younger," thus I too am 26, lest anyone have gotten the impression I am some horrifically ancient woman of 30 or something ... but I do understand her math, as I will own up to being one of those people who constantly insists upon being recognized as 5'3" andthreequartersthankyouverymuch. Sometimes the little details are a really big deal. So Jen is the baby of our blog duo. Perhaps not in mind, but in age.)

SO, last week my roommates and I got wasted on a weeknight (typical, and besides, I mean, it was Thursday) and I managed to do so off three little glasses of wine (also typical, now that I am of a certain age) to such an extent that I woke up, if not still drunk than at least in the immediately-post-drunk-pre-hangover state of confusion, and of course proceeded to lose my mind on the way to work.

As I explained to Jen, this went down:

me: OMG THIS HAPPENED:

me: so i had wine confusion and rushed around like a crazy person this morning as i overslept and needed to get gas and emergency iced coffee to ensure this doesn't turn into a hangover.
and i was so proud of myself bc i thought i was doing so well.

me: and then at DD, a very nice gay (pretty sure) boy in line offered to buy me a bagel. and i was like, 'ummm, no thanks.'
and he was like, 'honey, i think you need one. rough night?'
and i was like, 'damn i thought i was doing so well.'
and he was like, 'oh, you're okay. ... except ... you only have makeup on one eye."

9:19 AM Jennifer: HAHAHHAHAHAHA

me: blog post? i think so! i still have to write about the dream I had the other night. my life is FUNNY.

Jennifer: WOW

WOW

WOW

that is fantastic

I love him

9:20 AM me: yes.

i accepted the bagel after that

Jennifer: did you get his number

Jennifer: you two could be bff

me: i didn't, his name was bobby though and he asked how to get back on the mass pike

so i dont know if he was from here

9:21 AM Jennifer: yeah he was kind of too nice to be from mass

how do you manage to only do one eye?

that is amazing

9:22 AM me: i know. so i got to work and washed off the other eye, and i look so weird. people are totally like, what's different? haircut?

In other evidence of my spectacular success at being An Adult, this weekend I went to a birthday party (for someone turning even older than Jen!), during which I had a photo shoot with gin in a bathtub that I enjoyed so much I insisted upon recreating it the next day as I was evading the gin hangover by continuing to stay drunk with bottles upon bottles of champagne. Only the second time I wore a royal blue ball gown.

For these reasons, you will notice the blog is missing what should have been a Happy Birthday Jen, Love Kim post, which probably would have included the Top 26 Moments of Jen or perhaps J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R written out vertically with corresponding complimentary adjectives.

Happy birthday again, Jen! Welcome to 26! So far it's a lot like 25.

I'm Old Now!

Posted by: Jen

My birthday was this weekend and I turned 26. Sigh. I am old now (not as old as Kim though, hee!). This cat picture has nothing to do with anything but yet is surprisingly accurate in its price per square footage estimate.

I think I am depressed because it is Monday, I am old, I am still hungover from Wednesday -- ok the weekend -- which is a product of being old, and tired (which is another product of being old). God. You never hear anyone saying they want a hot 26 year old, it's always "I want a hot 25 year old!" Not that I think I should be valued solely on that because I am not a piece of meat, assholes, but I can't help it because I am constantly inundated by reports from the media and reminded of that fact. Sorry. I also will never be a supermodel.

Ok, now I am going to think positively about my advanced age:

1. I am not in junior high anymore, thank you Jesus. If someone offered me 1 Million dollars to be 13 again I would say no. And then slap them.
2. 26 seems more respectable in the workplace. I guess no longer people can be like, "Oh you're a baaaaby!" which I hate because it's like yeah I have less experience than you fucker but don't make me feel stupid for it.
3. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but NOW I am seemingly ok with that, and let me tell you, that makes things a lot easier. Or I am just a total slacker, which I am ok with too.
4. I can drink less, which means I will spend less money at the bar, which means I am slowly building my fortune that I will use to take over the world (re: buy new handbag)! Exceeeellleennt.

Oh David, You Didn't Have To Get All Dressed Up For Me!

Posted by: Jen


But you do look awfully nice in that outfit!

WEAK!

Posted by: Jen

I was just playing the most phenomenal game of Scrabulous of my life (click the screen shot) and Chris "I am a baby if I don't win" RESIGNED because he only had vowels. WEAK, I say, WEAK. There have been many times when I have had shit letters and I either traded my tiles or sucked it up and kept playing.

FAIL CHRISTOPHER, YOU FAIL. Do you think the Yankees would be losing and give up during the 7th inning because "the other team was going to win anyway"!? NO, they keep playing*!

This is a life lesson, kids: don't be a shitty loser! It makes you look bad.

*Kim, this is not the time to bash the Yankees. Please refrain from that and bash Christopher's poor sport-ness instead.

Mary, WHY Weren't You At Zara This Weekend When I Needed You?!

Posted by: Jen

So apparently Mary J. Blige is the patron saint of poor little rich shoppers everywhere. From Page Six:

"MARY J. Blige has a heart the size of her record sales. Last week, Blige was at the Diane von Furstenberg store in the Meatpacking District when she overheard a girl having a problem at the register. A spy said, "The girl had a dress on hold that she loved, and the bill was $900. She thought it was only $500, and she couldn't afford it." Blige told the saleswoman, "Go get the girl. I want to pay for the balance on the dress." The customer at first declined Blige's offer but relented after the singer said, "I know what it's like to want something and not be able to have it. I insist." The customer wanted to send her a check for the balance, but Blige said, "Just enjoy it. I'm blessed, so let me do this.""

Sigh. Mary, where were you this weekend when I was at Zara swooning over the $79 sheer shirt with stars on it but didn't buy it because I needed business attire? Um. I swear I thought it was only $1. Wanna cover the rest?

Anyway, MJB gets a gold star for awesomeness! I mean, it could have gone to someone more worthy like me, who doesn't even have $500 to spend on a dress, but that's just me being nit picky. Also, Mary, I work just around the corner from the DVF store, so you know where to find me if you're ever feeling charitable again!

MK&A TURN 22!

Posted by: Kim

When Jen and I moved to New York together a hundred years ago when we were 22 (okay, so it really wasn't that long ago at all) one of our primary goals, along with not starving, scoring amazing fake/stolen purses and ruling the world (okay, so that last one may have been mostly me and my tendency to go big and melt down), was seeing an Olsen twin. It hasn't happened yet, and we may or may not have moved onto thinking about stalking the cast of Gossip Girl instead, but the Olsen twins are still phenomenal.

They conveniently starred in the fine cinematic piece of art known as New York Minute just prior to our college graduation/move to New York, and watching it in a state of pure bliss in the (shared, with another person) studio apartment of our first New York friend (Jen made her for us - said friend also later gave us our cat) will remain stamped in my memory forever. Okay, so maybe it's faded a little. But I'll at least never forget legitimately being amused when Ashley, playing the Republican debater to Mary Kate's free-spirited hipster rockstar, was storming around the streets of New York "Still looking for a reason to live! Still! Looking!" I use that line like, 40 times a day.

Also, they do stuff like this, and I live vicariously:

Jen, for our next birthday/half birthday (have you ever noticed how close they are?!) can we wear similar things and forget (on purpose) to brush our hair? Please?

Happy birthday, Olsens.

Even the cardigan, which goes not at all, totally wins.

Posted by: Kim

So apparently LC is a million-and-a-half-aire for being such good TV drama. I suppose she could be smiling about that. I, however, choose to believe it is because she looks so cute:

Okay, really, she could lose the cardigan (I endorse, just, not with this particular outfit). I get that SoCal is omglikesotemperate compared to those of us who almost died in the humidity over here on the East Side this week, but, really? How cold is it in LA? Adorable dress = shiver and deal with it.

The preppy good-girl heels! THE FLOWER BELT! God, how long ago was it that I declared my bridesmaids would be wearing those? Why are we wedding-posty today? Who cares.

Lauren, I'm falling back in love with you a little more every day.

FRIDAY!!!

Posted by: Jen

And I can't use my brain... ANYMORREEEE!

So If I Got Married Tomorrow, I'd Probably Want To Wear This:

Posted by: Jen

I don't even know who this lady is but the first thing I thought when I saw her was "I WOULD GET MARRIED IN THAT!" Sorry Kim, I know you are retching and thinking happy thoughts of pure white princess dresses. It's ok, I understand. Also, I am not getting married, close to getting married or obsessed with weddings. I just like this dress and think it would go perfectly with a groom in a white tux jacket and a cake made out of cupcakes from Magnolia. That is all.

And My New Girl Crush Is...

Posted by: Jen


Oh Zooey, don't you look cute. Feel free to drop that dress by my apartment when you're done with it. Also, red lipstick: I know Kim approves! And yes, I DO want to see your new movie, M. Night Shyamalan's (is that really his name? Really? Ok, I guess he should be famous then) The Happening, co-staring Mark Wahlberg! We all know I love me some cheesy/slightly confusing horror movies AND Marky Mark!

The World is DOOMED, I tell you. Here's proof:

Posted by: Kim

They've redesigned Strawberry Shortcake to keep up with the times. She now hates sugar and animals and looks like an anime character! Oh, barf!

In other news, they're making Care Bears anorexic and giving them false eyelashes! And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? 'Roid monsters. Cowabunga, dude.

From the New York Times, Beloved Characters as Reimagined for the 21st Century.

And Now, Your "Oh No They Didn't!" Moment Of The Day:

Posted by: Jen

Click the pic to read the story!

Scene: Sarasota. Planned Parenthood is building a new clinic and has some leftover land that they can either sell for lots of money to developers, build something themselves, or (and I don't know why anyone would find this surprising based on the fact that PP is a really great organization that helps millions of women every year) do something else good!

PP chooses to do something good and sells the extra land to Habitat For Humanity, you know, that little organization that builds homes for people who need them. Another very worthwhile venture if you ask me.

Now, apparently this wasn't good enough for the holier than thou sect, The American Life League... When members caught wind that OMG PLANNED PARENTHOOD WAS GOING TO HELP PEOPLE HAVE HOUSING OMG their leader sent out tons of emails to Habitat donors alerting them of the relationship between the two orgaizations and basically accusing them of doing all kinds of horrible things, none of which are true.

Okay, so, bviously not everyone is a happy baby killer like me, but there has to be some middle ground and I find it highly unlikely that the majority of people who would donate to Habitat would find PP to be such a reprehensible organization. Habitat ended up rescinding PP's offer, due to "donor pressure." Sigh. I wonder how many people really complained? Maybe they just fear bad publicity?

Thanks for showing us you care enough about real live living people to put aside your personal beliefs and recognize a good work, American Life League. Oh wait, what? Stop being bullies and try to think outside the box. Not everyone feels the same way as you and you shouldn't ruin things for everyone like that. If you don't want a free house, don't take it, I'm sure there are many other people out there who need a home and would have appreciated the project being completed.

PS: Do you now realize that PP can sell the land at a huge profit that directly benefits the organization? Tee-hee. Oops.

By The Way, I Am Going To Boston...

Posted by: Jen

This is what I will look like at the wedding party on Saturday night. Except that squirrel looks slightly too sober.

Amazing Things That Will Happen This Weekend!

Posted by: Kim

1. JEN is coming!!!

2. Party room at Do Re Mi (two of my roommates and I have been harmonizing on Heart songs for a week. Really, though)!

3. Brunch WITH JEN!!! (let's not lie ... people from NYC brunch better than any other people ... they are more alcoholic than even all the college students overrunning my fair city)

4. Shopping (or watching JEN! shop) at Poor Little Rich Girl! Okay, if they have more Coach shoes I'm caving.

5. Attending what is sure to be an equal parts joyous and hi-fucking-larious wedding celebration!

Have I mentioned JEN will be here?! KIM AND JEN. TOGETHER AGAIN. Finally.

Yesterday I told Jen I felt like a 7-year-old on Christmas Eve in anticipation of her arrival. Of course, I told her this on gchat right as she was being booted or logged out or whatever, so she didn't get the message in its full effect, which is really unfortunate because I'm convinced it's one of the best things I've ever said to anyone.

JEN JEN JEN! Now if the rush hour New York, New Haven, Hartford and Boston traffic would just, you know, cooperate, this fine Friday, this will all go exactly according to plan.

Jay-Z Is Just As Psyched About Obama As I Am!

Posted by: Jen

I'm not making this up. This was Jay-Z's reaction upon learning that Obama had won the Democratic nomination. Excellleeennntt. Party at 40/40?

Oh Heidi, Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Posted by: Jen

Oh hey Heidi, you look cute. Nice non-porn hair, actually smiling, interesting shoes, no lingerie as an outfit in sight. No Spencer in sight. Excellent work!

Oh wait. Where are you? At the Girls Gone Wild party? HEIDI! All events at Les Deux are not created equally, and one that promotes the exploitation of drunk, insecure Kappa Kappa sisters (you know, the ones that actually think your lingerie outfits are a good idea) is not one that you want to attend!

Sigh. I feel like your cute outfit is all a sham -- you can't show up to a Girls Gone Wild event looking like a girl gone wild now can you? People would get the wrong idea. Spencer put you up to this didn't he? He and Joe Francis WOULD be friends. Hmph.

Victoria Beckham Is Like, My Favorite Person Ever.

Posted by: Jen

I love Victoria and I have the feeling that she is much more fun than she lets on. This dress is interesting (ok, I love it) and I think she totally pulls it off, to the point of convincing me that maybe I could wear it too and not look like a total fool. Also, Victoria is part of my and Kim's Dream Team of friends, consisting of Mandy Moore, Leighton Meester, and Audrina (Marc Jacobs can be our gay boyfriend if he wants to). Awesome, right? You know you'd want to go out to lunch with all of us!

Team Audrina!

Posted by: Kim

So LC, Heidi and Audrina went to the MTV Movie Awards, I'm assuming not together now that they aren't friends and all that. Though, they're also straight up called 'actresses' now and people spot them shooting 'scenes' for the Hills all the time, so, I guess I'm not supposed to have any idea what's going on. IT'S NOT ALL REAL?!

Anyway. Audrina looked amazing and Heidi looked like a mildly (or majorly) mutilated barbie yet somehow pulled it off, and LC rocked my world as she has been known to in the past (distant past, as lately it's been all about the shiny leggings and crap) until I hit below the waist, when I got conflicted:

Lauren:
Okay, her hair has been so pretty lately and I'm jealous, and she looks great. Her skin and body are perfect and I love that she at least doesn't appear to wear tons of makeup (see exhibits B and C, below) and the tan line is cute and I'm digging the bright nail polish against the blue, and I don't even usually like nail polish!

The dress is beautiful (I'm easing into a love of blues other than navy and that shade is one of my new favorites), and I'm impressed at anyone who can pull off the one-shoulder thing (I think it's a style best on the thin-but-with-broader-shoulders-kind-of-like-a-swimmer build?). I also like that she doesn't do that thing that every other actress or 'actress' in LA does and feel the need to wear a scandalously short dress all the time. Always classy, LC.

That said ... I feel like the length cuts her a little oddly. Makes her appear stumpy, which she is not, but she is relatively short and it only enhances that. But I also don't think the dress should be any shorter, because I really like the cut ... so I'm cleary unsatisfiable. And then the shoes. I'm just kind of befuddled. Never one to speak ill of classic black peep toes, I'm just not feeling them here. I have no idea what I want in their place, but overall ... meh.

Grade: B ... for confusing me to no end but still moving her way back up on my Favorites List.

Heidi:


Oh, Heidi. Who can ever figure out where to start? Why even bother? Can I get a side view on those shoes because they are intriguing me in that I'm not sure if I'm vomiting in my mouth or need a pair Right. Now.

Nothing about her looks real, she's making that French manicure look kinda ghetto, and somehow, she looks better than I've seen her in a really long time. And like 89% of the male population would probably hit that, so maybe I should stop being a snobby girl and admit that if I had legs and ...everything else... like that I would probably wear that dress too. In black.

Grade: B ... for effort, or non-effort, or sheer Heidi-ism.

Audrina!:

I can and will ignore the fact that her boobs kind of seem to be falling down and go with: SHE LOOKS LIKE CLEOPATRA KINDA! NEAT! AUDRINA, BE OUR FRIEND! Fantastic dress: Check! Awesome sparkly clutch: Check! Fringe bangs making me wonder if I can pull them off as well (no): Check!

I wasn't sure about the shoes. I'm picky about platinum shoes to begin with, and I was all, 'and the strappy strap is kinda ... like that ...' but then I saw the bows and was fine. So, check (without an exclamation point).

Grade: A! Because who ever saw Audrina becoming our favorite Hills heroine? And because she looks awesome.

I found all my pictures at Just Jared. Who is this person? I want to be acquainted.

Mondays Make Me Feel Like This:

Posted by: Jen