Things I'm NOT OKAY With This Month:

Posted by: Kim

Absolutely not.

You can read about this fuckery here.

I mean, if you've read this blog ever you know I succumbed to the Twilight phenomenon to an extent, but, Line. Drawn. No no no way. As I declared all over Facebook the other day, the only thing that calmed me after I was made aware of this ridiculousness was the mental image of Crazy!Fans in 'I Heart Boys Who Sparkle' tee-shirts and golden contacts storming the shelves at Barnes & Noble only to discover that the GREATEST BOOK OF ALL TIME is written in Old English and nothing like what they were expecting. So, basically, reveling in the disappointment of children. But hey. WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Do not attach Bella's name to it. God.

Also, this:

Well I suppose this is a spoiler, and I'm going to rant about it for a minute immediately following this link, so I'd stop reading now if you really wanted to be (unpleasantly!) surprised in the theatre with your gummi bears and tissues while watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

FAIL.

That's all.

Well, actually. To be succint, as Jen put it: I want to leave the theatre with no reason to live! I don't want to be uplifted! God.

Agree.

World, what is wrong with you this month?

We Aren't Dead. Also, Kim Jen Madrid Barcelona!

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, world, hi.

Jen and I forgot to blog for a really long time, but I hereby swear that I am starting again (I know all three of you readers have been devasted heretofore ... I ... just wanted to use that word, I don't even know if I did so properly).

Anyway, for my first post as a self re-instated blogger, I really have nothing to say, actually. I'm having difficulties completing a single thought at work. Though, here's a little gem that came from today:

Kim: "So. (Redacted client whose case was just transferred to me) is going to be nice and cooperative and we will have this closed by Tuesday, yes?"
Boss: "No. I can promise you right here, right now, that no, that is not how it will be. He is going to be stupid and annoying and push your deadlines to deadlines that didn't even used to exist. On the 1-10 Scale of Stupid and Annoying, he is a 9, and I would give him an 11, but that is Stupid and Annoying, and somehow 10 seems less bad than 9. So he's a 9. Also he'll stare at you to an uncomfortable degree."

Awesome.

In other news, our favorite Adam Lambert is still our favorite and he's in the American Idol finale along with Kris Allen, who is just a lovely little lemon meringue pie tartlet of a person and we adore him too, so, this is great on all accounts! I am sad to report the degree to which this ridiculous karaoke competition has infiltrated my life, but, alas. Glitterpainting my Adam Lambert t-shirt this weekend.

In other sparkly tv news, it appears no one listened to me and watched Kings, which is all of your loss and I hate you and blame you for its apparent cancellation. On the upside, I saw Carter Baizen in the preview for the Gossip Girl finale, immediately deduced that with Kings dead this frees him up to be a regular in Season 3, and I proceeded to throw myself on the floor and flail around giggling with glee at the prospect. Sebastian Stan really just needs to grace all my television shows, please.

And in other, other news not relating to tv whatsoever, we are going to Spain! Je parle francais but my Spanish is sadly (yet spectacularly, somehow) limited to cauderno (that means notebook), but Jen is already practicing hers and I'm getting a book. It. Is. Going. To. Be. Epic. Allegedly we might skate by without sticking out too much because we shop at Zara, but my blonde hair is questionable. We don't care anyway. Ole!

Clearly I'm the same as I ever was, which is apparently shallow, as that nice anonymous* commenter deduced from my innocent post on sneakers. This is good news for you all, as it means that after taking the high road for like ten seconds, obviously my next post is going to be tearing anonymous* commenters who say absurd things to shreds. And I'll still be posting about shoes!

SPAIN SPAIN SPAIN!



* I know who you are, asshat. Stop posting anonymously on my fluffy little blog. You are way too old to act like an outcast 16-year-old. Like, way, way, way, wrinkly-and-with-the-confirmation-of-your-cat-lady-fate-breathing-down-your-neck too old.

Ricky And Elmo Are Hilarious!

Posted by: Jen

Extras NOW, because it is possibly the funniest show ever. Or just watch his I have little tolerance for Elmo usually, as people who like him are generally people I don't enjoy, such as small children and adults who think it is cute to like children's things -- ugh. Ugh! Does anyone remember in high school, how some girls would like, "Loovvveeee Pooh (or Tigger or Piglet. Actually, I believe the girls who loved Piglet were the worst of them) and like totally talked in baby voices and wore Pooh sweatshirts and said things like "Liberry"? Yeah. Anyway, I forget where I was going with that but this is a video of Ricky Gervais (everyone go and Netflix The Extras because it could be the funniest show EVER or just watch his stand up and pee your pants laughing, whatever.) and Elmo is fantastic. While Elmo still sounds obnoxious, the person with the hand up his butt clearly has a sense of humor, and suddenly Elmo becomes kind of like one of those freaky children who speaks and has mannerisms like an adult.*



Also, realization of MY LIFE: I finally realized who my grandmother sounds exactly like. And it is Elmo.

*Digression: Do you know what kind of children I am talking about? They are children, that have been so brainwashed by adults that they parrot back everything they have been told, but do it in the same manner as the adult who told them about it. For instance, the other day my BF and I watched Jesus Camp, which is a documentary about a Pentecostal Evangelical summer camp and mannnnn it borders on child abuse but that is not the point. The point is the kids talk about religion and clearly their parents have been feeding them the lines for so long, they start to resemble miniature 40 year olds in their ways of speaking and mannerisms. Freaky. But this is really another post. Anyway.

It Is Steve Madden, Not Manolo ...

Posted by: KimI've been looking for a pair of really great tall, flat boots for a while now. Initially I wanted riding boots in dark brown, which somehow led to me buying an amazing pair of ... cognac boots ... mid-calf ... heeled ... see my problem? So I amended to black, and after listening to Jen sing the praises of the Steve Madden pair above (which she has in cognac) and applying a 35% off coupon she forwarded me, I was super excited to get my hands on these.

Have I mentioned the Kim Luck yet? Well, the Kim Luck is the exact opposite of luck, really. It's kind of a perpetual entity in my life too, but I really can't complain much because it's not like horrible, tragic things take place in my life daily, more like whatever can go wrong when it's concerning a not-so-important event, will. 110%. The most common reaction I get to most of my tales of woe is: "Of course that would happen to you." Hence, I fall down a lot. I get lost a lot. I spill things a lot. Stevemadden.com sends me the wrong color boots. Etc. It really just keeps things interesting.

So, anyway, the latest moment of Kim Luck led to the following conversation. I sort of hate to do it, because I love Steve Madden, really a lot. Every shoe I own by Steve Madden is a favorite: comfortable, attractive, affordable. Stevemadden.com, however, and its customer service? Pfft.

me: omg stevemadden.com or whatever FAIL AT LIFE.

Jennifer: OMG

I saw that this am (note: "That" refers to my furious text the night before, which read, : "The fucktards sent cognac!!!")

Jennifer: those are the ones I have though, aren't they pretty?

are you sending them back?

me: okay, so, sending me the wrong color is annoying, but what happened after is the reallllly dumb part.

yes, they were very pretty, haha.

but i already have cognac boots.

Jennifer: what happened?

me: so there was this letter enclosed, that was like, CALL US IMMEDIATELY if your order is not as expected! we love helping! or some such shit.

and then it was like, 'p.s., just so you know, we don't do exchanges, because we get screwed sometimes and would rather screw you.'

like it pretty much said that

even snottier.

Jennifer: they don't exchange?

me: it was like, 'our products are in high demand, so if you dont like what you got, suck it. you can return but not exchange.'

I KNOW.

so i was like, okay, that's dumb, but whatever,

me: i'm not exchanging, i am getting what i ordered.

Jennifer: yeah.

what did they say?

me: so i call, and the guy's like, 'oh man, sorry about that. i am sending a free return label to your email right now.'

'you mail them back from any post office'

and i was like, 'okay, super...um, then what?'

and he was like, 'then you wait til it gets to the warehouse, and within 30 days after that you will get refunded.'

and i was like, 'okayyyy ... what about my boots?'

and he was like, 'oh, you have to order them again. didn't you see? we dont exchange.'

and i was like, !!!!

'but you guys messed up! im not exchanging cause i didn't know my size or felt like changing colors! my order slips say all over them they are black boots, and they are not!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, but *recites no exchange policy about how sm is too cool for customer service*'

and i was like, 'but ... i had a 35% off coupon, and free shipping!'

and he was like, 'well there will be no charge to ship them back, only on the new ones.'

Jennifer: HAH!

me: and i was like, 'omg, okay, i gotta speak to someone else.'

Jennifer: that is ridiculous

me: and he was like, 'they will tell you the same thing!'

Jennifer: they always say that

and thennnn ...

me: so i was like, 'okay, then, i demand you give me my 35% coupon and free shipping on all accounts because THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, i am not authorized to issue coupons. and i have explained our exchange policy!'

Jennifer: did you demand to talk to someone else again?

me: and i was like, 'yes, and it is extremely unsatisfactory, as are you. please put a supervisor on. NOW.'

Jennifer: good for you

me: so this super comes on and i'm like, 'hi, okay, before you recite your inane no exchange policy, which just so you know is pretty much the most assured way to LOSE SALES, i've already heard it.

'i get it. I need to return my boots AND re-order, thus wasting my time cause you messed up. but i refuse to pay more for the pair of boots i ordered in the first place.'

and she was like, 'alright, that's fine. i will send out the correct boots for the same price and you will not be charged any shipping.'

and i was like, 'okay. now explain how payment works.'
and she was like, 'well, because we don't do exchanges because we can't get screwed eff you, what happens is ... you will get your refund in 30-45 days. but you will be charged for the new boots when they ship in one to three days.'

and i was like, 'DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF?! THIS IS RETARDED!'

and she was like, 'miss, do you not understand the policy?' and i was like, 'i am YELLING AT THE POLICY!'

Jennifer: oh so they'd double charge you until they get the boots

that is really bad.

me: 'because for up to a week, i will be out $200 and have NO boots'

'and for a month i will have a pair of boots for double the cost!'

and she was like, 'well, we can't get screwed. i mean, what if your return gets lost in the mail?'

Jennifer: oh god.

me: and i was like, 'I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD EMPLOY FACTORY WORKERS WHO CAN READ THE WORD BLACK?!'

and then i was like, 'FINE. i am keeping my order ONLY because i REALLY want these. but i wont order from you again. and if for some reason, i am not refunded, i will sue you.'

haha.

and she was like, 'that's dramatic.' and i was like, 'i'm not getting screwed because your policy PLANS for it. duh. i have free legal representation!'

so i bought delivery confirmation on my package.

i am so mad.

maybe i am overreacting a little, but isn't that so dumb?

they fuck up, so i get charged twice for up to 45 days?

RECESSION, ASSFACES!

Jennifer: well I mean, it's absolutely stupid that they are setting it up so that you lose your money if something bad happens because of their mistake

but at least she gave you the same price and free shipping

but I would be really pissed too

about having to wait and shell out all of that money

me: yes. although i really don't see how they could do business if they didn't offer that. it would be absurd.

like this is already ridiculous, but being like, 'oh, you ordered on sale but we sent the wrong thing, bummmmmmerrrr', would be out of control.

i'm not losing my money, lol

i will call them every day after i see the package is delivered back to the warehouse if i don't hear from them.

Jennifer: I did that with urban outfitters

I had to call them three times to correct my address because they like, said they did and didn't

and then when it was in their warehouse I called them to tell them

and they were like, "Ooohhh. Cool. We'll send it out then."

me: wtf

Jennifer: so when are you getting the boots

me: i don't know. i guess soon.

i haven't gotten an email saying they shipped yet, like she said I would.

Jennifer: HAH

Jennifer: Figures.obviously they WOULD send you the wrong color.

me: YES I KNOW.

when i opened the package and saw it said 'cognac' on the box i seriously like barfed in fury.

Jennifer: HAHAHA

me: and then i stared at it for a while, being like, 'oh, maybe it's just the wrong BOX'

no.i got the order confirmation

lol

im totally like, donating $206 to steve madden.

sigh.

if my boots never come i am suing for SO MANY boots

Jennifer: yeah you could have [redacted] write a scary letter

me: lol, and steve madden's defense will be, 'well, you see, our products are in such high demand and so minimally produced, i mean, they are practically one of a kind couture, so we can't just fix our mistakes without covering our asses. it's not our fault she expected to receive her order!'

Jennifer: I know

what is that?

they make millions of those things

me: i know! i was seriously laughing at the verbiage of their policy in the first place!

Jennifer: it is steve madden, not manolo.

Drunken Rant: Hey 303, Go Fuck Yourself!

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so wasn't going to blog because I went to happy hour and kept going and it's 2am, but then I got home and was eating delicious delicious Life cereal while watching stupid Carson Daily because Gideon Yago was on and I was interested because he is a legit reporter and then they went to the musical guest which was this band called 303 and I have no idea what it means but I am assuming it is an area code -- wait let me google it -- IT IS AND IT'S DENVER -- came on and OH MAN were they offensive/lame.

Ok, ok, ok. I know that last paragraph was a run-on sentence but work with me, I've had like eleventeen drinks and am trying. so. hard. to. type. properly. These dumb Colorado dudes had puppets and were dressed up as a fireman and a police officer and the song that they sang contained the following lyrics:

"Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Shhhh girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips "

And I was like, YO, DENVER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Like who the fuck does that? OMG. And all of the horrible LA people that go to Carson's stupid show were like rocking out in their Kitson and I almost choked on my Life cereal. I find these lyrics to be ridiculously retarded/offensive, especially coming from two ugly dudes who can barley sing and clearly got signed because their "thing" was puppets. Like really, really? HELLEN KELLER? Oh jesus. EPIC FUCKING FAIL.

My Internet Is Broken At My House And I Have Canceled All Thinking Until After The Marathon

Posted by: Jen

This is what I look like right now. Kind of.

Excuses, excuses. I am running the Philly Marathon next weekend and all of the training has finally caught up to me. I am way too pooped to rifle through photos of Whitney Port's latest monstrosity or to yell about politics, because while I am PISSED about Prop 8 in CA (I have many thoughts, they will come someday, but good god people, no one wanted to teach your children sodomy and no one was gonna force you to watch, and your marriage would still be as just special as Britney's 24 hour quicky in Vegas, I promise), I am generally still happy/smug about Obama's win. Also, I somehow managed to break my internet at my house, and only get 2 bars when I steal from my neighbors, and I am NEGLECTING THE BLOG AND I AM SORRY. And now I have to go back to work/alternately stare off into space out of sheer exhaustion. Sorry dudes. XOXO

Dear John McCain, Ask Me How Much I Care About "Your Health"

Posted by: Jen

Now I know this is a few days late, but I've been busy and I'm extra cranky right now because I just ran 20 miles in preparation for my next marathon. So seriously J. Mac, that was the biggest asshole move of the century. Thanks for telling me you could give a shit about my health -- as if we already didn't know from your stellar healthcare plan -- but I'm really glad you could drive it home and say you don't care about women. Please remember you are REALLY old and fuck you. xoxo, Jen

ALSO!

Dear Sarah Palin, stop shitting all over anything that's not small town America and then coming to New York City and saying "9/11! The Terrorists! USA USA USA!" Seriously, I refuse for you to criticize me for having all of my teeth and knowing how to read for one minute and then trying to unite with me over our (non)mutual hatred of the (OMG!!!1) terrorists the next. It's disgusting, cloying and if we ever met, my thoughts on you would be much more direct and succinct, that's to be sure.

I'm totes an American, so stop saying I'm not to rally to your stupid base that probably doesn't even exist. I hate the fact that you have a Joe Six Pack and a Joe Plumber and assume that your average American is a dumbass white male redneck, and he should be proud of it. All citizens should be insulted because I don't believe that your average American is really like that -- they are much smarter than you give them credit for. Also, last time I checked I wasn't part of the state trying to succeed from the US. xoxo, Jen

PS: Dinosaurs and humans NEVER co-existed, and most "average" Americans can tell you that, dontchaknow.

LA keeps it classy. Not. Shocker.

Posted by: Kim


(I wanted to totally rip off Boston.com and use "Halo, goodbye" as my title because it is AWESOME, but, I used to write headlines for a living - no, seriously - and I just couldn't do it to the brilliant copy editor who coined that.)

So the Sox are going to the ALCS! Whoo! Yay! I love this team! I mean, I always love the team, but I really love this team! As fun as the '04 idiots were, that shtick was done being cute pretty quickly, and it's been a blast watching this group of professionals overcome so many injuries/shocking trades/unexpected brilliance exploding out of Tampa/etc. and storm the postseason again. AND JASON BAY! I promise I'm not talking like some bitter ex-fan-now-Manny-hater, but, seriously. What a role to walk into, and what a way to fill it, and all the while with an air of complete grace and dedication and hilarious cleanliness (is that just me? His uniform stays. So. Clean.). Omg, Sox, just, win it all for Jason Bay. And Jon Lester. I can't decide which story is better. (Okay, so it's Lester's. Tugs at the heartstrings and all that.)

Anyway, the Angels ... of Los Angeles ... of Anaheim ... the winged representatives of La-La Land and Disneyland ... whatever ... that left coast team that used to be one of my favorites ... did sort of help out by committing a lot of baseball suicide, for which, hey, thanks! And then they warmly congratulated Boston on games well played.

Or not.

Via the LA Times (story here):

"We lost to a team that's not better than us," growled pitcher John Lackey, who gave up two runs and seven hits in seven innings. "We are a better team than they are. The last two days, we shouldn't have given up anything."

"[Sunday] night they scored three runs on a pop fly that was called a hit, which was a joke," Lackey said, referring to Ellsbury's pop that fell between center fielder Torii Hunter and second baseman Howie Kendrick in Game 3.

"[Monday] night they scored on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out, and he's fist-pumping on second base like he did something great."

Asked to describe his feelings, Lackey said, "Like I want to throw somebody through a wall."

"I'm [ticked], I'm upset, this one's going to be with me for a while," Hunter said. "It doesn't feel good, because we're a better team than they are. But they're moving on."

Dear Angels:

Yes, you dominated the Red Sox in the regular season. Yes, you are 100-game winners. Yes, you cake-walked all over your cupcake AL West division (sorry, couldn't resist, but, dude. The Mariners.). I wasn't going to be one to take any of that away from you, but, bratty much?

Of note, Mr. Lackey: When players fail to catch a pop and it therefore lands on the ground in fair outfield territory, it is a hit. Duh. I mean, you don't even need a rule book for that one. If you're talking that crazy infield fly rule, it doesn't apply here, clearly. If you thought it should be an error on your fielders, well, what error? They didn't do anything. That was the problem, but, also, sorry. Their problem. Your problem. Ellsbury's hit.

Also, re: "[Monday] night they scored on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out, and he's fist-pumping on second base like he did something great."

Um. What? Now you are angry because of the ballpark dimensions? Because they were not built in favor of your personal preference as to how far batters drive your pitches? I don't know. Pitch better then. Know the park. Know what you have to do. Forget the 'if we were playing somewhere else' crap. You weren't. If you were so much better in the first place, shouldn't you have beaten them anywhere, then? Or maybe you should have tossed your awesomeness all over Angel Stadium or whatever the hell it's called these days and, you know, won Games 1 & 2 so you wouldn't have to be forced to lower yourself to playing in a ballpark with such unacceptable dimensions during a must-win moment or make yourself look like an ass because you're whining about how the little guy crushed the curve you delivered right up in the zone for him.

ALSO. Re: Fist-pumping. Excuse him for ... being excited? A double off the wall at a clutch moment is a pretty great way to break your slump, especially in a Division Series game. And come on now, we're all used to a certain team's prized closer shrieking absurdly and blowing kisses at god after every save like he just won the World Series. I'll give you a hint: It's not Papelbon. Clearly your emotions runneth over during this interview. Let's not fault Pedroia for a fist-pump, please.

Love,
Kim

And now I will leave everyone with some fun pictures of nice boys playing in champagne. I guarantee nothing, but I'm fairly certain had this series gone the other way, not one of them would have reacted so ... ugh.




P.S. My favorite AL West team is the A's.
P.P.S. I'm still mildly petrified of the Rays. Wtf?

Jen Goes Public Service-y On You:

Posted by: Jen

Hey everyone, just a reminder, today is the LAST day to voice your disapproval over the new rule regarding "conscience" that has been passed by the Department of Health and Human Services. As I've mentioned before, this rule is total bullshit, and basically means that people who are hired to perform medical treatment, as well as dispense medication, can refuse to do any procedure/dispense any medication if it conflicts with their conscience without fear of repercussion. Obviously, this means that people will now be able to practice medicine at their whim instead of what is best for the patient. It's fucked up, and wrong obviously -- why does someone's personal beliefs trump the physical health of another? I kind of feel like if you are against prescribing certain forms of medications for certain reasons, or dispensing them, you should not be in that line of work. Just sayin'...

SO, if you beleive the Gov should stay out of your health business -- I mean, they're in everything else these days, do they have to be all up in your uterus too? -- please click on the link and send a letter: http://www.ppaction.org/campaig/frcp08_adv1?qp_source=frcp08pporg

My Cat Is Using My Purse As A Scratching Post!

Posted by: Jen

She is a little booger. Anyway, I had a lot of thoughts to post, but nothing that would really manifest itself into a real full post, so I decided to make a list:

1. If I could achieve any resemblance to the Dismissive Look a la Blair for my daily confrontations with duchesses, socialites and maids (or you know, when fighting for a seat on the train), I would be golden. Seriously, that look cuts: eyebrows slightly raised, head cocked, and the look that says "I am through here, off with you." I need to perfect that. And then use it to render my enemies powerless.

2. I am kind of mad that Rosanna of Fox 5 News at 10 went to the morning show. I watch the news at 10 FOR Rosanna and Ernie and their thinly veiled, hate-filled friendly banter! Now I have to suffer through Ernie slinging "friendly" barbs at a poor man's Rosanna with a bad dye job and giant veneers. I did not ask for this; I do not want this. I want to hear about the lost Yorkie in Queens from both of them!

3. OH. And speaking of animals, today a man (ok so he is totally one who raves in his spare time, I swear, just to give you a visual) came on the L holding a small kitten that was gripping his shirt with all of its might, saying that he was collecting money for some animal shelter. I call bullshit, because obviously if he wanted to help animals he wouldn't be scaring the crap out of a tiny kitten while putting it in a potentially dangerous situation by bringing it on the train without a carrier! I never bother with the crazies and I was totally ready to say something, but then I was worried about the kitten (what if he really did hurt it?!) so I didn't. Everyone hug your cat tonight and be happy they aren't being used as a ploy to steal hard earned money from old ladies, people with cancer, and all of the other nice people out there to score E for the next Mother Fucker. Jerk.

4. Confession: Tonight I ate frosted mini wheats for dinner and a bag of popcorn for dessert. I am a grownup.

5. Also, YES! We got hate mail and I am so excited. After all, you're not really important until you have some haters. And according to our grammatically challenged friend, I am the less dumb/ugly one (Kim is the more dumb/not as ugly one, but don't be fooled by those details, we're both totes stupid). Remember ladies, the lesson that our hater wants you to bring home is that the smarter you are, the uglier you are. Now go bake something and stop thinking! XOXO

PS: I do not hate Lauren's dress but I now officially hate her for calling herself a designer. There is nothing new or interesting about this at all (besides the fact that I really hope she is wearing a bra because she looks like she is having a moment of slippage) and I think people are really giving her too much credit (or you know, a job). Oh hey, I just took my (bright pink) bed sheet, wrapped it around myself and pinned it with a giant safety pin. I'm a designer too!!! Also, I just took a shower so my hair is wet and it is INTENTIONAL because I am a visionary and wet hair will be The Look in Sping '09.

Icing On The Cake...

Posted by: Jen

Katy Perry annoys me. Really, her shitty song, her general attitude, and the fact that she is totes posing with Miley Cyrus as if it is awesome. It is really mostly her shitty song that annoys me though, which is all kinds of wrong lyrics-wise, as well as musically because it grates on my ears. Anyway, what is this? A floral onesie/bathingsuit to wear on the red carpet? Katy, only BLAKE can wear a onesie (and Rachel B., and I would probably attempt it if I found a well fitting one at Forever 21) and she would never mistake a floral bathing suit for one -- it's like you tried to channel Dita Von Teese AND Baywatch AND my memere's old couch all at the same time . MASSIVE FAIL.

Obama Is High Fashion; McCain Is Catalogue

Posted By: Jen

So I've had a few margaritas and I have major alergies and I can't stop sneezing and it's annoying. But ANYWAY. ANYWAY. Yo, republicans, can you stop being such hateful bitches (and I mean that in a completely non-sexist way since you people are all up on feminism all of the sudden)? I am anxiously awaiting McCain's speech right now, and I will try not to break my tv when he inevitably starts spewing vitriol all over the place (or did he just forget to take his pills?). I just look at that convention and it blows. my. mind. because I know no one who would ever yell "Drill baby, drill" or "USA" in an unironic way. Oh god, I'm scared. And looking into getting citizenship in the EU if he wins. Props to Obama for keeping it classy!

10:17pm: OH! He's on! And he has a nerdy voice! I know I am not supposed to do that because he was a POW, but I can't help it.

10:18: They are chanting USA again. I hope France isn't watching.

10:19: Shout out to the redneck with the sign! OH, OH 9/11! 9/11! TEH TERRORISTS ARE COMING TO GET US! The crowd goes wild.

10:20: USA USA USA? AGAIN? Fucking A. Shout out to Laura Bush. Ok, she's cool. Whatev.

10:21: Cindy! Your hair looks excellent! Cindy is his inspiration... Hmm, I thought she was a "cunt"? No? I didn't say it.

10:22: HIS MOM. Oh man she looks like she could cut a bitch. How old is she? Like one million? Oh, he just said she's 96. How old is McCain?

10:23: He will not let us down.

10:24: McCain respects Obama. Ok. Ok. Let's go with it, even though I think it's complete bullshit.

10:25: Do you know we are endowed by our creator with inalienable rights? He only means white men, I'm sure, but that sounds nice. Oh and he thinks he's gonna win. I'll see to that, Johnny, I will.

10:26: You wan't prosperity AND peace? Shit. J Mc mentions tough times (you know, that pesky economy?) and the crowd chants "USA! USA!" What, do they like recessions now? Are they proud of it? Well at least they can own it, which is far more than like, Russia ever did when people were waiting in line for bread.

10:27: McCain pleads for them to stop chanting. I think even he is embarassed for them. He tries to mention serious economical issues and the crowd yells "USA" again. Sigh. Asshats. He mentions Palin. Ohhhh man. Cheers. Her hair is back up into its crazyness, not that I am supposed to be talking about that. Because it does not matter. Unlike Hillary's pantsuits, apparently.

10:28: She did shit for Alaska, where like three people and a team of sled dogs live. Awesome. Why are people giving my boy Barry shit for not having experience?

10:29: SHE IS A MOTHER! IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW! PITBULL WITH LIPSTICK BITCHES!!!

10:30: McCain warns Washington about Palin and the change that is coming... Hasn't he been in Washington for like 100 years? Just sayin'.

10:31: Oh you will leave your problems for some other generation to fix dude. That's what babyboomers do! Get over yourself.

10:32: He just called himself a maverick. Is that allowed? Isn't that one of those things only other people can call you? My cat is drinking out of my water glass. Another issue.

10:33: Big spenders wasting my money? He John, let's talk about that thing known as the war. Pork and barrel? Oh, let's talk about those lucrative government military contracts.

10:34: HE HAS FOUGHT AGAINST UNION BOSSES. My father will not be pleased. The nerve of those people, wanting safe working conditions and fair pay! Also, his country cannot lose a war. Who are we, the Patriots?

10:35: Awww, he thanks the brave men and women overseas! You know, the ones he will not give a shit about once they return and need psychological counseling, education and employment.

10:36: What are you fighting for John? BILL AND SUE IN FARMINGTON HILLS, MICHIGAN! They lost their house! Also Frank and Toni in Pennsylvania. They have an autistic son. What do these people have to do with anything? Are they terrorist targets? I bet Frank and Toni have a hell of a time getting health care coverage for their son. Let's talk about that.

10:37: TEH TERRORISTS! AHHHHHHH!

10:38: Reform government? Ok, alright. I'm down. Oil? Dependence on? Ummm, let's ask one G.W. Bush about that. I hear he's best buddies with Saudi Arabia.

10:39: I HAVE GOD-GIVEN POTENTIAL and that "Latina daughter of the dock worker" is an American too! YAY! Let us pray! We are also a "culture of light", how meta.

10:40: Justices that are impartial? Let's talk about the last few appointed by our fair prez.

10:41: GOVERNMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU?! Heeeeee. He obviously means everywhere except my uterus. He calls Barry "my opponent". He who shall not be mentioned. Like the Candyman. Or that guy in Harry Potter.

10:42: Barry's also gonna make us all socialists, in case you were wondering. I think we should all have identical uniforms designed by Isaac Mizrahi, if that happens. And he's dissing state run healthcare. I think he's full of crap because my boyfriend (who is obviously infallible, ha) is from England and he says it's great.

10:43: He's gonna change the economy? Cool. He's going to "help workers that lost a job that won't come back, find a new one that won't go away!" So like that guy who works in the factory? He can get a job at Google no problem. At a decent wage.

10:44: Education! "The civil rights issue of this century". I am confused? Failing schools? I am kind of mad at him right now, because if your kid does shitty at school it is not the teacher's fault, really... More the parents who don't give a damn. Oh I think he's talking about vouchers. I need to read more about that, so I cannot pass judgment. I do however, think his tie sucks.

10:47: We're not sending money to countries that "don't like us very much" if he is elected. I worry that means "Africa, where they need help with AIDS". Ohhhh shit, he wants to drill offshore. How about we invest money into renewable energy before it's too late and save the polar bears while were at it?

10:48: Ok, he read my mind. He wants to research new forms of energy. Fine. Apparently Obama is a bad man for not wanting to drill and liking polar bears. To each his own.

10:50: NEW JOBS WILL BE CREATED! So that dude who lost his job in the factory? He can become a scientist and learn how to harness the wind and turn it into electricity. USA! USA!

10:51: IRAN!!! RUSSIA!!! Hahahahah, are we in 1980? Iran is crazy and Russia is part of the EU. Ignore Iran and Russia will work itsself out. Georgia needs our prayers though; those evil Russians! THE COLD WAR MIGHT COME BACK! Isn't this what the EU was formed for? Can't they deal? Well, it doesn't matter, because J Mc is NOT afraid.

10:52: His eyes kind of drift apart when he reads the teleprompter. Just saying. He mentions WWII. This will get the grandparent vote. He wants peace though. I'll believe him because most people don't want to fight (except Russia and Iran) and would rather eat ice cream and look at kittens, I'm sure.

10:54: He just seriously mentioned every issue in one sentence. He then mentions that new fangled "technology". LOL. I wonder if he can email? Or do you think he also thinks chat is like an email and writes it like this: "Dear Sarah, You look pretty tonight. Say something about Jesus. XOXO, John"?

10:55: I stopped listening. He mentioned scars. He was a POW people! Do not speak ill of him.

10:56: Bi-partisan, accountablity, transparency are all wonderful things. I don't know if he means it. He's very aw-shucks-y. I'd prob go to his house and eat cookies with him and play chess.

10:57: He was blessed for going to war. And because he was captured. It is kind of a scary story, like I do feel bad for him and it is horrible. Aw. Oh god, this hurts my cold heart. He couldn't feed himself. I'm an asshole. No, not really; that is a totally valid story, and he was brave and I respect it, but I still do not like his ideas. And I don't think being a POW makes you automatically qualified to be president.

11:01: He kind of reminds me of my dad when he tells a story. This is actually really interesting, and he's a good story teller. Still though, this is not relevant.

11:02: They just showed the ONLY black people in the audience.

11:03: Aw John, we can be friends. You just can't be president and history has NOT "anointed you to save this country in the hour of its need".

11:04: John, I will admit, you show a lot of class. Much more than your VP. He just told people to try to make a difference in their communities, I agree. Too bad your VP has a high likelihood of becoming prez. And she scares me.

11:05: Stop mentioning God.

11:06: Stand up and fight! I'm volunteering for Planned Parenthood; do your part kiddies. I don't think that's what he meant, but isn't that bi-partisanship at its finest?

Sooo... That was way moderate and I wouldn't be so frightened if he hadn't picked Palin as his VP. Her values are way out there and it makes me wonder what he's really thinking...

Oh Man, We Need A Drink SO BAD

Posted by: Kim and Jen
Kim: john picked a lady.
haha
Jennifer: ?
Kim: he's bringing the big guns. like he just got every woman in my office. sheesh. mccain picked his running mate and it's a GIRL
Jennifer: OH
yes
well you know what.
that doesn't convince me that he respects women and I think it shows that he doesn't because he thinks women will go "OH A VAGINA! I WILL VOTE FOR HIM"
fuck that noise
and apparently it works
shit
he plays dirty and I have to say I admire his style
Kim: what 44-year-old woman from alaska is pro-life? wtf.
Jennifer: I KNOW, I KNOW
I'm gonna throw shit
is it official?
I feel like he's copying hillary
Kim: no, he is doing it to get the feminists! the crazy feminists who are mad obama isn't hilary!
it's terrible!
Jennifer: the feminists aren't like that, the feminists know. the only people who wanted hillary and will vote for mccain out of spite are 60+ baby boomers who can't see past their own asses
Kim: there are the crazy ones. i'm reading jezebel. whoo boy. 'i will vote for mccain to prove a point, i suffered bush, i can suffer this.' hi. how about all the women who will actually suffer.
Jennifer: I'm like hyperventilating, this is crazy. look what he had to do to compete with obama!!! you know he wouldn't do it unless he was desperate
Kim: im so angry
Jennifer: I am outraged, it's such a cloying act
fucking a
Kim: all the middle-aged women in my office are like, 'what?! this is fantastic!' omg. omg omg omg.
Jennifer: omg omg omg
Kim: christ. worst night/morning ever. josh beckett's arm is dead and mccain is going to be president. like, i was having a great week as of two days ago! wtf.
Jennifer: fucking a
like the undermining underhandedness is amazing and I have not doubt that john mccain is some kind of super villian. I am so glad I signed up to volunteer for planned parenthood now.
chrisssst
Kim: i cant do work now. i'm busy panicking about the fate of america.
this is terrible... i cant even console myself that he is old and might die. because then we will have a republican bitch prez. wtf. no.
Jennifer: OH MY GOD, THIS IS FUCKED UP

My Serious Non Rhetorical Question Of The Day:

Posted by: Jen

Does the Bush family have ties with Exxon?

Sorry, that was my father finally rubbing off on me and my conspiracy theorist coming through (please, don't even ask me what I think about the correlation between banning reproductive choices and poverty and the big plan to keep us down).

But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, Exxon makes the biggest profit in like the history of ever and we've been sitting here (well, not me, because I don't drive) paying $4+ a gallon? I mean, I kind of assumed that because prices were up everyone suffered, including business profit margins. I guess I was wrong. And why the fuck is this story not plastered on the main headlines of CNN but "Jessica Simpson: Loves To Be In Love" is?

Ok, ok they made like 12 billion dollars in profit this quarter, and I am all for getting yours and making it big, but they were profiting off of the backs off of working people in such an excessive way and it just doesn't seem right. If they decided the forsake like 3 billion, it probably would have made the majority of drivers' lives a lot easier. Like seriously, I love shoes and vacations but sometimes we need to step aside and look at the big picture and think about other people before we think about ourselves. Just saying.

Oh, and these profits... The record ones... Were lower than expected. So they knew what they were doing. So it wasn't all like, "Ooops! We accidentally raised prices to rediculously high levels and accidentally made a shit ton of money! Sorry guys, I always tell the accountants to use Excel but they insist on using Calculator and MS Word with tables for the final figures and you know how that goes! He he he!"

Also, for the record, if offered a suitcase with 1 million dollars and told I could have it if I choked a puppy to death, I would not do it. Think about that for a bit, Exxon.