I think we are on hiatus.

Posted by: Kim

However, I am way too narcissistic for that, and I also had a request from my favorite blogger besides Bryanboy, Katie Ett, to share the Epic Fail Kim (not me, another one) story.

So I started a blog, where I'll even probably post pictures of my hair. I like my hair.

It's here.

(P.S. I will still talk about shoes, but I will also type in black. I will also beg Jen to guest blog.)

Chocolate Is REALLY Good, Okay!?

Posted by: Jen

Chris: hear about that dude that died by falling in a vat of chocolate?

very willy wonka like!

Jennifer: no, I saw your Twitter though and wasn't sure what it was about...

Chris: yeah, was in a cab and i saw that and i wanted to look up more about it today

Jennifer: you know, that would really ruin chocolate for me -- if I drowned in a giant vat of it.

Chris: how about if you saw someone drown in it? Like everytime you take a bite you might be eating the guy you saw?

Jennifer: I'd still be ok with it as long as I knew I wasn't eating the death chocolate.

Chris: hmmmm inteeresting...

Jennifer: well alright, I got really sick off of indian food and that didn't stop me from loving curry, so I'd imagine if I witnessed a chocolate drowning I'd be ok.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1198530/Death-chocolate-Factory-worker-meets-sweet-end-falling-vat-cocoa.html

On Surviving An Emergency

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: When I worked at that summer camp one summer during college, the head of the camp had like this THING about thunderstorms. Like, the minute there was a cloud in the sky she'd FREAK out and be like, "THUNDERSTORM! QUICK! EVERYONE INSIDE!" She was so freaky about it the little kids picked up on it and even the ones who weren't scared of storms became really frightened! It was bizarre.
Kim: i am mildly confused. so, they are telling us not to stand in a baseball field or next to a tree
Jennifer: oh that was my point.
Kim: so ... like if we must be outside, what IS preferred? in the bushes?
Jennifer: Obviously we learned thunderstorm safety at camp and you are NOT SUPPOSED to go under a tree! If anything, like if you have a choice between a tree and a field, you are supposed to lie face down in the field.
Kim: NUH UH! i did not learn that, i just learned to get in the car because of the tires.
Jennifer: because it drastically reduces your chances of being hit!
Kim: hahahahahaha
Jennifer: and also, if you do get struck it hits you in the back, protecting your vital organs AND since your body is spread out it kind of spreads out the impact
Kim: lol, if you have the choice between tree or baseball field... amazing.
Jennifer: yeah, I learned that from Sandy, head camp mistress extraordinaire.
Kim: that is all excellent advice.
Jennifer: no, she was insane.
Kim: i would have a real problem with lying face down in a baseball field whilst lighting flashed all around me though, not gonna lie.
Jennifer: lol exactly, I'd take my chances and run!
Kim: that's kind of like how they are like, if you fall onto the subway tracks, do not move. Just calmly wait away from the electric rail as the train passes.
Jennifer: Umm if I fell in the track I would climb out immediately if the train wasn't coming...
Kim: i know! And if the train was coming, i would immediately die. Of terror. So.
Jennifer: well then you'd die anyway of train so it wouldn't matter.
Kim: well i suppose you could hang out in the little gravel pit alongside it and hope for no sparks or shrapnel or off-tracking.
Jennifer: I would lie down in the middle I think.
Kim: WHAT!
Jennifer: because it would probably go over you; that's how people have lived before!
Kim: IT WOULD NOT. i think i would fare best in emergency situations on boats or airplanes, because on the plane when they are like, 'please secure your own oxygen mask before helping any elders or infants' i am like, duh. And on a boat, well, i don't know... i am a fast swimmer but whine in cold water so i might be screwed.
Oh, if i were in a car and it fell in water, omg. i mean, i know you are supposed to calmly stay put and let the car fill up with water so that you may easily open the door once equilibrium is attained. But LIKE HELL.
That reminds me I need to start keeping a baseball bat on me at all times.
Jennifer: you could also kick out the windshield pretty easily pre-sinkage, Oprah said so.
Kim: maybe you could? of course, i would be trapped by my seat belt with two broken ankles or whatever.
Jennifer: good thing you don't need ankles to swim!
Kim: this does not mean i condone not wearing seat belts. Also how much would it suck if you fell in the water, and then waited for the car to fill, all while sinking, and then got out and a shark ate you?
That would also happen to me.
Jennifer: ok well, we don't live near sharks, so it's fine. I would worry more about letting the car fill and then not being able to get out.
Kim: i live near so many sharks.
Jennifer: there are no sharks in MA! Are there?
Kim: of course! i mean, they PREFER a warmer climate, but they are here... Did you not see JAWS?
Jennifer: My point was Jaws too actually; I was going to go, "Jaws was fake!"
Kim: there was a great white swimming around in shallow water for weeks on the cape within the past few summers, and the lifeguards do drills. Rarely, but they do them. Those were like, petrifying as a child.

It Is Steve Madden, Not Manolo ...

Posted by: KimI've been looking for a pair of really great tall, flat boots for a while now. Initially I wanted riding boots in dark brown, which somehow led to me buying an amazing pair of ... cognac boots ... mid-calf ... heeled ... see my problem? So I amended to black, and after listening to Jen sing the praises of the Steve Madden pair above (which she has in cognac) and applying a 35% off coupon she forwarded me, I was super excited to get my hands on these.

Have I mentioned the Kim Luck yet? Well, the Kim Luck is the exact opposite of luck, really. It's kind of a perpetual entity in my life too, but I really can't complain much because it's not like horrible, tragic things take place in my life daily, more like whatever can go wrong when it's concerning a not-so-important event, will. 110%. The most common reaction I get to most of my tales of woe is: "Of course that would happen to you." Hence, I fall down a lot. I get lost a lot. I spill things a lot. Stevemadden.com sends me the wrong color boots. Etc. It really just keeps things interesting.

So, anyway, the latest moment of Kim Luck led to the following conversation. I sort of hate to do it, because I love Steve Madden, really a lot. Every shoe I own by Steve Madden is a favorite: comfortable, attractive, affordable. Stevemadden.com, however, and its customer service? Pfft.

me: omg stevemadden.com or whatever FAIL AT LIFE.

Jennifer: OMG

I saw that this am (note: "That" refers to my furious text the night before, which read, : "The fucktards sent cognac!!!")

Jennifer: those are the ones I have though, aren't they pretty?

are you sending them back?

me: okay, so, sending me the wrong color is annoying, but what happened after is the reallllly dumb part.

yes, they were very pretty, haha.

but i already have cognac boots.

Jennifer: what happened?

me: so there was this letter enclosed, that was like, CALL US IMMEDIATELY if your order is not as expected! we love helping! or some such shit.

and then it was like, 'p.s., just so you know, we don't do exchanges, because we get screwed sometimes and would rather screw you.'

like it pretty much said that

even snottier.

Jennifer: they don't exchange?

me: it was like, 'our products are in high demand, so if you dont like what you got, suck it. you can return but not exchange.'

I KNOW.

so i was like, okay, that's dumb, but whatever,

me: i'm not exchanging, i am getting what i ordered.

Jennifer: yeah.

what did they say?

me: so i call, and the guy's like, 'oh man, sorry about that. i am sending a free return label to your email right now.'

'you mail them back from any post office'

and i was like, 'okay, super...um, then what?'

and he was like, 'then you wait til it gets to the warehouse, and within 30 days after that you will get refunded.'

and i was like, 'okayyyy ... what about my boots?'

and he was like, 'oh, you have to order them again. didn't you see? we dont exchange.'

and i was like, !!!!

'but you guys messed up! im not exchanging cause i didn't know my size or felt like changing colors! my order slips say all over them they are black boots, and they are not!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, but *recites no exchange policy about how sm is too cool for customer service*'

and i was like, 'but ... i had a 35% off coupon, and free shipping!'

and he was like, 'well there will be no charge to ship them back, only on the new ones.'

Jennifer: HAH!

me: and i was like, 'omg, okay, i gotta speak to someone else.'

Jennifer: that is ridiculous

me: and he was like, 'they will tell you the same thing!'

Jennifer: they always say that

and thennnn ...

me: so i was like, 'okay, then, i demand you give me my 35% coupon and free shipping on all accounts because THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, i am not authorized to issue coupons. and i have explained our exchange policy!'

Jennifer: did you demand to talk to someone else again?

me: and i was like, 'yes, and it is extremely unsatisfactory, as are you. please put a supervisor on. NOW.'

Jennifer: good for you

me: so this super comes on and i'm like, 'hi, okay, before you recite your inane no exchange policy, which just so you know is pretty much the most assured way to LOSE SALES, i've already heard it.

'i get it. I need to return my boots AND re-order, thus wasting my time cause you messed up. but i refuse to pay more for the pair of boots i ordered in the first place.'

and she was like, 'alright, that's fine. i will send out the correct boots for the same price and you will not be charged any shipping.'

and i was like, 'okay. now explain how payment works.'
and she was like, 'well, because we don't do exchanges because we can't get screwed eff you, what happens is ... you will get your refund in 30-45 days. but you will be charged for the new boots when they ship in one to three days.'

and i was like, 'DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF?! THIS IS RETARDED!'

and she was like, 'miss, do you not understand the policy?' and i was like, 'i am YELLING AT THE POLICY!'

Jennifer: oh so they'd double charge you until they get the boots

that is really bad.

me: 'because for up to a week, i will be out $200 and have NO boots'

'and for a month i will have a pair of boots for double the cost!'

and she was like, 'well, we can't get screwed. i mean, what if your return gets lost in the mail?'

Jennifer: oh god.

me: and i was like, 'I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD EMPLOY FACTORY WORKERS WHO CAN READ THE WORD BLACK?!'

and then i was like, 'FINE. i am keeping my order ONLY because i REALLY want these. but i wont order from you again. and if for some reason, i am not refunded, i will sue you.'

haha.

and she was like, 'that's dramatic.' and i was like, 'i'm not getting screwed because your policy PLANS for it. duh. i have free legal representation!'

so i bought delivery confirmation on my package.

i am so mad.

maybe i am overreacting a little, but isn't that so dumb?

they fuck up, so i get charged twice for up to 45 days?

RECESSION, ASSFACES!

Jennifer: well I mean, it's absolutely stupid that they are setting it up so that you lose your money if something bad happens because of their mistake

but at least she gave you the same price and free shipping

but I would be really pissed too

about having to wait and shell out all of that money

me: yes. although i really don't see how they could do business if they didn't offer that. it would be absurd.

like this is already ridiculous, but being like, 'oh, you ordered on sale but we sent the wrong thing, bummmmmmerrrr', would be out of control.

i'm not losing my money, lol

i will call them every day after i see the package is delivered back to the warehouse if i don't hear from them.

Jennifer: I did that with urban outfitters

I had to call them three times to correct my address because they like, said they did and didn't

and then when it was in their warehouse I called them to tell them

and they were like, "Ooohhh. Cool. We'll send it out then."

me: wtf

Jennifer: so when are you getting the boots

me: i don't know. i guess soon.

i haven't gotten an email saying they shipped yet, like she said I would.

Jennifer: HAH

Jennifer: Figures.obviously they WOULD send you the wrong color.

me: YES I KNOW.

when i opened the package and saw it said 'cognac' on the box i seriously like barfed in fury.

Jennifer: HAHAHA

me: and then i stared at it for a while, being like, 'oh, maybe it's just the wrong BOX'

no.i got the order confirmation

lol

im totally like, donating $206 to steve madden.

sigh.

if my boots never come i am suing for SO MANY boots

Jennifer: yeah you could have [redacted] write a scary letter

me: lol, and steve madden's defense will be, 'well, you see, our products are in such high demand and so minimally produced, i mean, they are practically one of a kind couture, so we can't just fix our mistakes without covering our asses. it's not our fault she expected to receive her order!'

Jennifer: I know

what is that?

they make millions of those things

me: i know! i was seriously laughing at the verbiage of their policy in the first place!

Jennifer: it is steve madden, not manolo.