I made a 2009 Oscar Dress Yearbook. Enjoy.

Posted by: Kim

So, the Oscars were last night. I did not watch (cue the shock and awe, I'm sure). I did hear some crap about how some of the celebrities were asked/chose not to walk the red carpet to boost ratings of the telecast, to which I give a big WTF on behalf of photographers, and, especially, designers.

I mean, hi. If Prada dresses Jessica Biel, famous of late for, you know, dating Justin Timberlake, in an obscenely expensive set of table linens, then I'm sure Prada would like the world to be able to see her stand around and give little fluff interviews in it for a while. Seriously.

While arguing about this with a woman at work, I was informed that the Oscars should in fact be more revered by television viewers because "you watch the World Series, right? Same thing!" I obviously proceeded to laugh for about 20 minutes at this analogy, because wtf ever. Watching the top two teams of the season play off against each other is infinitely different than watching actors, as themselves, sit and look at a stage. Though I did hear apparently Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron brought musicals back or some such business. Still not intrigued.

Anyway, I looked up the dresses today. It would appear the predominant theme was 'Wedding Dresses,' 'Princess' or simply, 'White' or lastly, 'Blue.' This resulted in both wins and fails a plenty. Onward for my superlatives, including a parenthetical Win or Fail as I'm sure my ramblings are sometimes unclear. *Also as I edit this epic post, I realize it is also confusing that I put the superlatives above the photos instead of below. And now I am too sick of doing this to fix it. Apologies. I think you'll figure it out though.

Most Likely To Be The Favorite (or at least Most Talked About Dress Amongst ... Everyone?: SJP in Dior Haute Couture (WIN. Duh, ball gown, princess,
you know I love it, XOXO)

Most Likely To Cause Internal Debate and Strife For Hours Do To Being ENTIRELY Angle-and-Lighting Dependent: Anne Hathaway, in very sparkly Armani Prive, amazing from this angle, other times too mermaid-y (overall, WIN)

Most Likely To Garner Praise For Not Being Black, Which Until Now We Are Pretty Sure Was The Only Color She Was Aware Even Existed: Jennifer Aniston in ... I do not know. Someone tell me? (Overall ... um ... pass. No, win. For being so cute with John Mayer. No, wait ... I don't think I really like it. Uh. NEUTRAL.)

Most Likely To Have Made Me Scream WANT WANT WANT Had I Actually Watched The Show: Marion Cotillard, also in Designer Unknown But I Would Be Really Happy To Find Out (WIN. Come on, it's like a never-appropriate-for-any-event-except-princessing dream dress created in HEAVEN, hi. I mean, unless you hate tulle ... which is entirely possible.
But it's my post, suck it.)

Most Likely To Star In My Most Recent Wedding Day Fantasies: Penelope Cruz in Balmain. Also, um, who? I must learn. (WIN)

Most Likely To Star In My Wedding Reception Dreams Momentarily IF I were One Of Those Women Who Would Ever Dare To Change Out Of Her Wedding Dress Early To Party While Dressed Half Like A Flapper and Half Like A Bedazzled Country Singer: Carrie Underwood, in I Didn't Even Bother To Check Who Made This, It's Just For Fun (WIN. Carry on, Carrie. I love you and your country sparkles.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress I Would Actually Wear If I Were Ever Invited To The Oscars, Because If I Wore Marion Cotillard's Jen Would Tease Me and Even Though It Would Be In Jest And Love, I Would Still Become Self-Conscious And Change: Angelina in Elie Saab and freaking awesome fun jewelry. (WIN, because even though it's kind of boring comparatively it's also pretty perfect, and, FUN JEWELRY OMG JAZZING IT UP. This is kind of how I roll.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress Everyone Swoons Over But Kim: Taraji Henson in Roberto Cavalli (NEUTRAL. I mean, it's fine. It fits her perfectly. It's simple and pretty. You'd think I would adore this. But I feel ... not much, really.)

Most Likely To Be The Tween Star in a Dress Better Than Miley's: Vanessa Hudgens, in Marchesa (WIN. She looks so pretty! I would look a fool in this, but it's awesome on her.)

Most Likely To Draw Comparisons To A Mermaid Despite Being One Of the Few NOT Wearing A Mermaid Silhouette, Instead Opting For Three Of The Other Big Looks Of The Night, Which As We Discussed Were Princess, White And Blue: Miley Cyrus, in Somebody I Didn't Look Up. (WIN -bet you thought I was gonna fail her, eh? But actually, while at the gym I was staring at silent followup coverage of the show's fashion and this picture doesn't do it justice. I mean, it is kind of as ridiculous as it looks in this picture, but she also looked pretty great in it, if I'm being honest.)

Most Likely To Confound Me By Maybe Being Awesome But Also Being So Pepto But Maybe That Pink is Awesome Too?: Natalie Portman, in I Don't Know Who. (UNDECIDED. Leaning toward WIN.)

Most Likely To ... Snore. Oh, sorry. Right, Boring. And Somehow Making Me Not Dig Black Lace, Something I Usually LOVE: Kate Winslet in Yves Saint Laurent. (FAIL. So there, Kate. Except you yourself look stunning. Btw, congrats on the Oscar.)

Most Likely To Remind Me Of That Time Blair Waldorf Wore Valentino's Headband Version Of This Dress and It Was SO MUCH BETTER: Amanda Seyfriend, in Valentino Haute Couture. (FAIL. Um, ugh. Also, did she even get to try it on beforehand? Because I'm trusting it was not designed to look 45 sizes too big for her.)

Most Likely To Be Adored, Despite Being Kind of Terrible: Freida Pinto in John Galliano. (FAIL. That's right, I FAILED Freida! And Galliano! And yes, I love them both. And yes, I love Slumdog Millionnaire along with the rest of the world! And yes, that's a pretty color blue! And yes, I am still FAILING Freida despite having WINNED MILEY CYRUS A FEW DRESSES UP. But it's true. I don't like it. Pfft.)

Most Likely To Double As Spider-Man's Prom Dress: Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera. (FAIL. Yes, despite the awesome color, and, you know, Carolina H. But I think the necklace has possibilities.)

Random American Idol Observation...

Posted by: Jen

So I was watching American Idol because as mentioned, I don't have cable, and because 90210 was a repeat (DAMN YOU! CW, wtf is this with all of these mid-season hiatuses? Even One Tree Hill was a repeat last night, gooddddddddd), and I noticed that upon reaching the Hollywood stage, the majority of the male contestants acquire a faux-hawk. What is this? What is the point? I mean, does it make the air around your head flow better, thus enhancing your voice? Combine that with the seemingly popular white button-down shirt enhanced with tribal/dragon design on the back (added points for down the sleeve) and you have quite the shit show. Sigh, but I suppose we can just attribute it to my whole "you lose your mind/fashion sense upon entering the city limits of L.A." theory, which is growing in evidence every day.

BTW, I voted for Alexis because she can sing, Anoop because I want to be his friend and Danny because his wife died. Clearly the fact that this is a singing competition has been pretty much lost on me.

Unflattering Pants Captivate Nation; We Defend Jessica Simpson

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: [Redacted insensitive boy] is calling Jessica Simpson fat
and I am getting outraged
Kim: OH GOD I AM SO SICK OF THAT CRAP.
Jennifer: he finally backed down to that she wasn't "fat" but "looks different"
Kim: she is probably a size 6 at the largest instead of a 2 because she got happy and comfortable and stopped starving herself, and wore a bad outfit!
Jennifer: I'm like, IT IS A BAD OUTFIT PLUS MAYBE SHE GAINED 10 POUNDS MAX!!!
and I was like 1. let's see pictures of all of these shit talkers...
Kim: seriously. that whole explosion of press/scrutiny was TERRIBLE.
Jennifer: 2. most girls would like to look liker her, how do you think that makes them feel?!
Kim: i was like, 'um, our nation just did an amazing thing last week, and now we are back to looking like complete and utter douche bags.'
THAT was the number one story.
hot blonde eats some chili. STOP THE PRESSES.
ew.
Jennifer: [Redacted insensitive boy] said her arms are "huge"
Kim: i think it's a shitty camera angle from the ground up, and she happens to not have muscle tone in them. like, you know, 82% of women?
Jennifer: I know, it makes me so mad that he thinks it's ok to comment on this
Kim: yeah. i don’t like it either.
stupid boy.
of course if he gets a gut it's funny... and socially acceptable!
arghhhhh
Jennifer: yes, you know who I hate?
Seth Rogen!
not because I don't think he is funny or whatever... well I don't think he is funny, but I mean, he's ok, if you're into that sort of thing...
but I hate him because he is ugly and gets a free pass
there I said it!!!
he is hairy and chubby and he get's credit where he doesn't deserve it!
and Jessica Simpson stops working out for 20 seconds and she gets the most coverage she's ever gotten!
Kim: yes. i agree. it's really bad.
and like, it is totally within realm that we are supposed to believe women who look like Katherine Heigl would find Rogen cute in some way.
Jennifer: I know!
Kim: like women are expected to be endeared to the fat and hairy as long as there is personality?
Jennifer: but Jessica looks perfect + 10lbs and suddenly she is gross and has "huge arms"
Kim: but if a dude was like, 'you know, i think J Simp looks better with the extra pounds' all his friends would start screaming about Miranda Kerr and disown him.
i know it's been a double standard for a long time, but still.
like we are really supposed to accept that acceptance means no girl is ever out of a guy's league???
Jennifer: I KNOW
I KNOW!!!1
Kim: but ladies, do NOT lose your looks
or you can suck it!
Jennifer: like, how dudes go, "I would fuck her"
oh you would, really?
thank you for letting the world know that you would deign to fuck her!
Kim: RIGHT
i'd do her.
oh yeah? would SHE do you?
Jennifer: it doesn't matter, she's supposed to love male attention
Kim: like i wonder if Jess Simpson would really be all up on [Redacted insensitive boy]'s jock.
Jennifer: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Kim: really.
Jennifer: no that's the thing: all of these people are "grossed out" or whatever
well what do you think she would think about you?!
Kim: you don’t think she might be like, 1) Nick, check. 2) John Mayer, check. 3) Tony Romo, check. um.
i mean, so i don’t think they’re all hot necessarily
Jennifer: but they have their perks
Kim: stupid men now declaring someone un-fuckable because she's not as skinny as she used to be.
Tony doesn’t seem to have a problem.
i'm with Tony. TRUST THE QUARTERBACKS, DUH.
Jennifer: yeah and he is like an alpha male
it's the betas that get nasty about it!
Kim: YES
Jennifer: wish fulfillment and all that
Kim: omg. THAT IS EXACTLY IT
it's like they KNOW something is above them and can't stand it ...
Jennifer: of course
Kim: and now that it's not AS perfect
they are like, I WOULD NOT DARE.
and it's like, uh, yeah, she still wouldn't either, fyi.

Two Wins And A FAIL!

Posted by: Jen

Ooooh, fashion week in Paris! Why wasn't I invited?

Oh, right, because I am not important enough. Anyway, I will pretend I am and give two thumbs up (to each) to Keira and Mischa for looking AWESOME.

First, Keira at the Chanel show:

Kim would die over this and even though I am not a big pencil skirt fan (I am too short to pull it off) I do have to say this is awesome. If I were a lawyer or somebody professional, this would be my office outfit. I also think I am a fan of Keira's bangs, even though they remind me of the kind I had when I was four... They started at the middle of my head and came forward to cover my eyebrows. Whatever, it was the 80's and I was adorable.

Next, Marissa Cooper!

Yay! Hi Mischa, I forgot about you. You still look nice and I have to admit, I REALLY like that color. I also like the cut and the details. The shoes are kind of stripper-y but your fabulous hair makes up for it. Now, please tell me that is not a real fur that you are holding and I will go see your next movie, whatever it is.

Lastly (not in Paris, some random event), our FAIL:


Leighton!!! What is is this? Did you decide to go with a strapless bandage dress, worry that you might get chilly and throw a sheer dress over it, just in case? We expect so much more of you! What would Blair Waldorf say?

Dear Paris Hilton, Why?

Posted by: Jen

Oh Paris, for someone who shops like, ALL THE TIME, you really suck at it. Let's review:

1. Weird freaky faux belt shirt resembling an ugly belt that I would not wear if it were real, let alone drawn on to a shirt. Why do you want a fake belt "belting" your boobs?

2. An A-Line business-y skirt that almost covers your knee? Are you going for a job interview at the ugly shirt store?

3. OMG, no -- OMFG!!!1 -- ARE THOSE RED PATENT SLINGBACKS WITH TIGHTS? Dear Jesus, when did you become a 75 year old woman?!

On Severe Regret...

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so every now and then I get the urge to chop off my hair, do so, severely regret it, swear to never do it again, grow it out happily for two years and then repeat the agonizing process for some reason. You'd think I'd learn but I DO NOT. Anyway, the latest incarnation of hair mistake is a long bob that makes me look like I am 8. My hair is way to thick and wavy to pull this off and I am seriously depressed. I am considering going back to get it fixed but I do not know how it would be fixed and it's either that or let it grow and look shitty for three months. This is the worst thing ever.

Chris: i saw your facebook status, you're not happy?

Jennifer: no I hate it

Chris: maybe you can use this as a fancy fun hat stage

Jennifer: no, it's the bottom that I don't like... my bangs are fine

Chris: the bottom ? the back?

Jennifer: like the sides and everything

it's just stupid, and I really hate it

Chris: you took a risk though and that's cool, i'm sure its not nearly as bad as you think

Jennifer: yay I am cool for a risk! I can tell people that.

"excuse my hair, I know I look like shit, but please realize I am cool for it!!!"

Chris: should i walk up stairs and look or would you rather no one looked at you right now
Jennifer: I'm hiding and I don't want to talk about it because I will cry

seriously, I'm going to like, pee in the trashcan or something, whenever I have to go

Chris: well did you at least do something fun this weekend to make up for it

Jennifer: yeah but I didn't have as much fun as I would have if I had long hair

A Combo Of Elvira and Laura Ingalls Wilder

Posted by: Jen

OH WOW, what is this? A boobie dress with a dash of FLDS thrown in for fun? And do I detect (presumably knee high) leather pointy toed boots underneath that dress? How is she so confidently striking the teapot pose in this? Maybe Blake is a better actress than we thought! Or maybe she is now letting her GG stylist dress her in real life.

Update: After talking further about my horror at this monstrosity with Kim, I can now seriously say that this is the Ugliest Dress I Have Ever Seen. There, I said it.

But really, really! This is like Angela Chase's dream winter formal dress or something my kindergarten teacher wore in 1987. I can't get over it. SO BAD.

Whitney Port Shows She Has Learned Nothing From Diane, New York

Posted by: Jen

Oh look everyone, Whitney was back in LA yesterday looking like... Oh I don't even know, HELL? I was trying to think of something funny and it involved the phrase "80's puking up all over her" but JESUS, this is no time to be funny. Whitney, I liked you better before when you were well dressed and uninteresting. Now you're poorly dressed and uninteresting, well done. What would Diane say? What would Lauren say? Please tell me this is for Halloween and you are going as Vito, the kid from my Jr. High that thought he was super cool and everyone jokingly voted in as School Spirit Club leader, because he dressed like this every day and it wasn't even cool in 1994.

A Very Bad Idea.

Posted by: Kim

I'm the type of person who will occasionally get myself into trouble when making/ordering/purchasing food because I think less in terms of what goes together as a meal and more in terms of what I like and how can I put it all together. Case in point: A few weeks back, I celebrated a friend's birthday at the glorious Fajitas and Ritas, and ordered nachos topped with refried beans, cucumbers and a cheddar-monteray jack-pepper jack cheese combo. Only after they arrived in front of me did I realize I may have made a judgement error. Fortunately, I'd also consumed about a quart of tequila, so it didn't matter.

Anyway, while at CVS yesterday, I meandered over into the candy aisle because the store decor informed me it's Halloween and so I immediately wanted candy corn. I love candy corn. I could eat candy corn for dinner and be happy, and this from an obsessive tooth-brusher, too. There was plenty of candy corn to be had, but, unfortunately, my eye fell on this curiosity, and I was swayed. Candy corn Hershey's kisses?! How neat! And the packaging is so cute and appealing! I mean, how could they be bad, right? I love candy corn, and I love chocolate. And then I opened one.

Oh, no. Oops. I mean, really, Kim. Duh. OF COURSE THEY ARE GOING TO BE MADE OUT OF WHITE CHOCOLATE. CANDY CORN ARE NOT COLORS YOU CAN DYE NORMAL PEOPLE CHOCOLATE TO MATCH. God.

I eyed the offending little dyed WHITE chocolate (though, admittedly, still pretty adorable, as evidenced above) all apprehensively upon removing the cute, appealing little packaging, but, I mean, it did smell like candy corn. Kind of. So I tried it.

No.

No no no.

Not only is it white chocolate, but it is cheap, synthetic, plastic-y tasting white chocolate, at times miserably attempting to be flavored like candy corn. It. Was. Gross. So I pawned the bag off on a boy. Boys will eat anything.

HIGHLY UN-ENDORSED. DO NOT BUY.

This has been your public service announcement of the day.

Love, Kim.

Icing On The Cake...

Posted by: Jen

Katy Perry annoys me. Really, her shitty song, her general attitude, and the fact that she is totes posing with Miley Cyrus as if it is awesome. It is really mostly her shitty song that annoys me though, which is all kinds of wrong lyrics-wise, as well as musically because it grates on my ears. Anyway, what is this? A floral onesie/bathingsuit to wear on the red carpet? Katy, only BLAKE can wear a onesie (and Rachel B., and I would probably attempt it if I found a well fitting one at Forever 21) and she would never mistake a floral bathing suit for one -- it's like you tried to channel Dita Von Teese AND Baywatch AND my memere's old couch all at the same time . MASSIVE FAIL.

Ok, Thursday Styles, You've Finally Crossed The Line

Posted by: Jen

Click the pic to see the full article!

Oh Thursday Styles (not to mention Sunday), I usually find you generally annoying but somehow always find myself checking you out because I like the "On The Street" slide show, but you have hit new levels of obnoxiousness. I mean yeah, I kind of laugh at your articles on exercise and shoe colors, and sometimes Modern Love makes me feel a little dirty, but this article makes me almost blind with rage at the absurdity of it all.

And I quote:
"...Mr. Brown, 24, who works at Esquire magazine in New York, the colorful strips are an important accessory, and he’s careful to coordinate them with his Kris Van Assche sweater or his Balenciaga bag. He generally wears one on his left hand or arm and balances it out with two or three on his right leg.

He doesn’t put them on his face because, he said, “I don’t want people thinking, ‘What happened?’"

PAIRS A BAND-AID WITH BALENCIAGA? OMG OMG OMG. This guy is asinine, and I am really frightened to think that there are enough men in the world like that to warrant writing an entire article in the fucking New York Times about this "trend"!!! He's also totally the kind of guy that would hit on you at the bar (probably Pink Elephant) and try to buy you a vodka soda because "carbs are bad" and then proceed to tell you about how much money he makes doing x job.

(I know you're wondering how you would end up at Pink Elephant, but let's say it's probably 3am and your friend is really drunk and you just kind of ended up there. Stop blaming the victim.)

I think I need to stop reading Thursday styles for my health and sanity. Plus they make me feel bad when they talk about how people deal with the recession by "only purchasing one or two designer handbags a year" or "forgoing the trip to San Tropez in favor of going to Montauk".

No, Katie Holmes, As Much As You Insist On Pegging Your Jeans I Am Not Going To Believe You

Posted by: Jen

Posh's pants and Agyness' cut? Oh Katie. Tell Tom to let you have some meds.

Has anyone else been following Katie Holmes' descent into madness? Case in point: the pegged jeans. Yes Katie, I know your friend (and a member of our Dream Team of friends) Victoria wore David's jeans once, and you decided to follow suit. But. But! As much as you insist on wearing them out, it does not make you a trend setter or chic; just frumpy. I don't get it.

There is a picture circulating the internet of Katie wearing these jeans with socks and high heeled sandals! The brain explodes! But, it was the first time I had seen her do it so I thought maybe she had just come from dance practice because sometimes the building I work at hosts Salsa Night and all of the women who go wear dancing shoes with socks because they are intellectual and cultured and DANCE SALSA and you know they listened to an NPR podcast on the way in from Park Slope and will go home and eat something organic. OR sometimes I see ballerinas on the train and they like, hike up their tights so they stick out under their sweatpants and wear them with flip flops but that is ok because it has purpose and they look a thousand times more graceful when the train comes to a rumbling halt than I ever could -- but I have the feeling that Katie is not doing either of these things. She might eat organic though. I think Scientologists do that.

I know, I know, I say Blake can wear onesies and formal orange and Kate Moss can wear ANYTHING, but Katie can't. Please come back to us and wear pants that fit with the rest of us mortals.