I will give you all a moment to reflect upon the image below, and remember before you stare too hard: things that are seen cannot be un-seen.
You've been warned.
So, like, what the fuck Whitney? You move to NY and live "downtown" (which is really uptown) and really, really need to prove that you are not that bland blond CA girl? And you've decided to do this in the most ridiculously ugly way possible by draping yourself in the leftover wardrobe from Flash Dance while wearing (sooooo summer 2007, btw, if you care) neon nerd glasses?* Gah, you make me so mad. So mad. And your stupid MATCHING pink nylon bag, WHY?!?! Please just get over yourself and go back to wearing Tory Burch flats and peasant tops and stop designing because it suuuuuccckkksss (really, you don't hold a candle to Bilson or even LC) and move back to LA, because that look is really just LA trying to be NY and it's kind of sad.
*Digression: What is the point of the stupid nerd glasses? They have been uglying up the faces of Brooklyn's masses for two years now, and I do not see the point, and I absolutely hate them and still would even if someone told me the point. They are not cute; they make you look ugly. And I know some girls are so beautiful, uglying up themselves is kind of cool because they still look stunning, but that does not take away from the fact that you have 1970's style child molester glasses on your face!
The scene: Dustin Hoffman reacting (ok, clearly just messing with) to the work of the paparazzi while being photographed by said paparazzi. Oh, how meta! I vote him honorary grandpa of our Dream Team of Friends!
Dustin is clearly upset over mysteriously dead toddler Caylee Anthony! Like millions of others, he still can't get enough!
Dustin views Gennifer Goodwin's tangerine/bead/vomit colored shoes monstrosity from the He's Just Not That In To You premier. He is unimpressed, perhaps nonplussed.
Sigh. You can see the tangerine monstrosity here:http://www.fabsugar.com/2766278. Take it from me, Gin (Kim and I wonder if perhaps on the night of your conception, your parents got drunk on gin martinis and decided to combine their love of Bombay Saphire with one of the most popular names of the late 70's/early 80's, because really, what else are we expected to think?) as a girl who also has the Wednesday Adams thing going on, tropical fruit colors are NOT your friend!
I am desperately trying not to channel my inner Biggie and lash out at a metaphorical Tupac, but COME ON PEOPLE, must I really point this out?! Fashion Capitals of the world: London, Paris, Milan and NEW YORK. Is L.A. mentioned as one? No? Does L.A. have a sad, sad little fashion week in which Lauren Conrad debuts her latest line of jersey dresses weeks after the Chanel show in Paris and Marc Jacobs in New York? YES.
Sorry guys, when it comes to knowing how to dress yourself without velour, New York wins. ALWAYS. I'm sorry if I never learned to appreciate highlights and piling on millions of trendy accessories; blame it on the cold weather, I just don't see it.
Now, I know there will be the haters who will all be like, "Bitch! I love my Juicy and you don't know anything!" so I am providing photographic evidence:
Yes. Here we have adorable Shenae Grimes acting a fool in my grandfather's sweater, velvet sweat pants and SPARKLY Uggs! jdkajdakljdllaldk! And we cannot say that such a concoction of random clothing is a rare event. It is not. Scan any celebrity photo blog and you will see many people (ok, all famous, but I'm thinking the non-famous people follow suit) in L.A. dressed in exactly the same manner.
And now, to drive my point home, not meaning to hate on the 90210 girls because I like that show and I think they are great and pretty, but I would like to be their stylist because they need a tiny bit of help, I give you Annalyne McCord and her sisters:
Whaaaaaaat? What's this? Leggings with a shirt that is clearly not a dress? A boob crushing vest with jodhpurs? Liquid leggings with some kind of religious scarf? Oh dear god, a Forever 21 exploded all over them, it's a miracle they weren't killed!
So, self righteous commentators professing that I know nothing and being from New York is somehow unfortunate for my sense of style, there you have it, proof! Nobody goes out like this in New York, ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.
I have a few things to comment on, so I decided to put it all in one post for convenience's sake.
First off, filed under Things I Refuse To Believe No Matter How Many Times You Tell Me, I give you Eva Longoria:
Yeah, she's doing the Katie Holmes' baggy jeans roll thing that was thrust upon us last year. Eva, I am more likely to believe Katie than you on all things fashion (as you normally run around in 1980's prom inspired evening dresses, alternating with Uggs and Juicy Couture), but for real for real, I am not getting on this bandwagon no matter how often you insist on doing it. Fashion fail.
Next, I would just like to remind everyone again that I would like to be Victoria Beckham when I grow up:
Perfect, as usual (even with the matching red shoes). All signs of my sudden transformation point to this not happening as 1. there already is a VB, and 2. I am kind of sloppy. So, I will instead be satisfied if she joins our Dream Team of Friends and let's me borrow her shoes and accessories ('cause we all know I am not getting my hulking marathon-ized thighs into any of her clothes).
Last, I give you PRESIDENT Obama and Michelle's first dance at the Inaugural Ball, soundtrack by Beyonce:
Not gonna lie, this brings a tear to my eye... They look so happy! Michelle's pretty dress! THEY TWIRL! Beyonce gets choked up! I am quite happy that we finally have a leader that I can believe in. Good luck to President Obama!
So The Hills season finale was last night and all of the LA people were not surprisingly, really stupid and left the warm goodness of SoCal and came to frozen New York. Anyway, I don't watch the show because I don't have cable (I really do miss the Saturday all day marathons when I am hungover and have to watch PBS), but I did notice a few things about our favorite totally real people who happen to have a tv show:
1. Whitney Port has apparently proven that NY drugs are way harder than the kind found in LA. Case in point:
Like, WTF is this? Did she rob Stevie Nicks AND a Hawaiian Tropic girl on the way to the party? In her NY hard drug fueled euphoria did she craft a stolen lei from said Hawaiian Tropic girl into a seriously bad headband? People, this is a woman who has her own clothing line and "WORKS" in fashion. I gag. And Diane probably threw up all over herself when she saw the photos this morning.
2. I love Lauren's dress!
Sparkly! Simple! Well played! If I could fix ONE thing about this, it would be to tell L to stop doing her stupid "I'm a little teapot pose." Seriously, think of something else. Now every one laugh at how deranged/goofy Whitney looks next to Lauren!
3. What recession?
Lauren's Philip Lim dress costs $925 dollars AND IS SOLD OUT in most sizes! Really? Now I'm sad because I can't buy it even if I could afford it. Or wanted to spend what I pay for rent on a dress. Oh also, if you have a couple grand left after you buy your beautious PL sparkly wonder dress, Net-A-Porter suggests you pair it with some Louboutins and a Jimmy Choo clutch. I say, if we're all going to the breadline, we might as well look fabulous!*
Oh Paris, for someone who shops like, ALL THE TIME, you really suck at it. Let's review:
1. Weird freaky faux belt shirt resembling an ugly belt that I would not wear if it were real, let alone drawn on to a shirt. Why do you want a fake belt "belting" your boobs?
2. An A-Line business-y skirt that almost covers your knee? Are you going for a job interview at the ugly shirt store?
3. OMG, no -- OMFG!!!1 -- ARE THOSE RED PATENT SLINGBACKS WITH TIGHTS? Dear Jesus, when did you become a 75 year old woman?!
Posted by: Jen Katy Perry annoys me. Really, her shitty song, her general attitude, and the fact that she is totes posing with Miley Cyrus as if it is awesome. It is really mostly her shitty song that annoys me though, which is all kinds of wrong lyrics-wise, as well as musically because it grates on my ears. Anyway, what is this? A floral onesie/bathingsuit to wear on the red carpet? Katy, only BLAKE can wear a onesie (and Rachel B., and I would probably attempt it if I found a well fitting one at Forever 21) and she would never mistake a floral bathing suit for one -- it's like you tried to channel Dita Von Teese AND Baywatch AND my memere's old couch all at the same time . MASSIVE FAIL.
So, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 premeired in New York last night and I WASN'T INVITED (again). Anyway, confession time: I reaallly liked the first movie and am very excited for the second. Kim should come to town so we can see it together and cry into our giant tub of popcorn and my box of Sno Caps and her box of Gummi Worms because obviously we have exactly opposite taste when it comes to most foods. Except for white chocolate. We hate white chocolate! I mean really, anyone who likes white chocolate clearly cannot be trusted because it is just so unnatural and NOT CHOCOLATE AT ALL.
But I digress. The cast was out looking awesome, along with our favorites from GG and a couple of randoms that I had to throw in for fun.
I have no idea why the pictures are so small, but I think if you click on them, you can see them in full:
Our stars! They all look great though I am seriously questioning Amber's one-sie (or however it's spelled). Yes, Gwyneth can pull it off, and Maggie, and even Blake can do the shorts version, however, I am nervous about this one. Blake shows us how to successfully wear formal orange, and Alexis is wearing what I would wear.
America for the win though! Look at her! So pretty, love the color!
Leighton reminds us that while she isn't in this movie, she should have been.
Ed goes for a lumberjack meets Nantucket look and pulls it off, probably because he forgot that he isn't actually Chuck Bass.
Some eye candy for all. We're wearing the same pants today, by the way.
I have no idea who this kid is but I love him so much. He can be my replacement BFF when Kim is not available! Look at him! Adorable! And you know he is seriously questioning Amber's outfit.
This is Lindsay Lohan's sister and she is 14. Somebody call Stacy & Clinton and Child Services because this girl needs help.
So, like, what the fuck Whitney? You move to NY and live "downtown" (which is really uptown) and really, really need to prove that you are not that bland blond CA girl? And you've decided to do this in the most ridiculously ugly way possible by draping yourself in the leftover wardrobe from Flash Dance while wearing (sooooo summer 2007, btw, if you care) neon nerd glasses?* Gah, you make me so mad. So mad. And your stupid MATCHING pink nylon bag, WHY?!?! Please just get over yourself and go back to wearing Tory Burch flats and peasant tops and stop designing because it suuuuuccckkksss (really, you don't hold a candle to Bilson or even LC) and move back to LA, because that look is really just LA trying to be NY and it's kind of sad.
