Things I'm NOT OKAY With This Month:

Posted by: Kim

Absolutely not.

You can read about this fuckery here.

I mean, if you've read this blog ever you know I succumbed to the Twilight phenomenon to an extent, but, Line. Drawn. No no no way. As I declared all over Facebook the other day, the only thing that calmed me after I was made aware of this ridiculousness was the mental image of Crazy!Fans in 'I Heart Boys Who Sparkle' tee-shirts and golden contacts storming the shelves at Barnes & Noble only to discover that the GREATEST BOOK OF ALL TIME is written in Old English and nothing like what they were expecting. So, basically, reveling in the disappointment of children. But hey. WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Do not attach Bella's name to it. God.

Also, this:

Well I suppose this is a spoiler, and I'm going to rant about it for a minute immediately following this link, so I'd stop reading now if you really wanted to be (unpleasantly!) surprised in the theatre with your gummi bears and tissues while watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

FAIL.

That's all.

Well, actually. To be succint, as Jen put it: I want to leave the theatre with no reason to live! I don't want to be uplifted! God.

Agree.

World, what is wrong with you this month?

Help Me Pick Out Sneakers, Please.

Posted by: Kim

Last night after GG I somehow watched five minutes of True Life: I'm a Shopaholic, or something like that, and I'm not sure if I should have been nervous or comforted by seeing it, but in any case, I'm nothing like that crazy bitch from Queens and yes, I'm shopping for shoes again.

But I have limits, and also I don't like to buy the same thing in different colors, so even though I'm in love with all of these, I can clearly only have one.

Vote!

Thoughts so far include:

Jennifer: navy dots is the safest as far as getting dirty goes
me: yes, i was thinking that.
though yellow is the cutest as far as being the cutest ever goes.
and blue is the awesomest.

Jennifer: agreed.
me: i am going to put them on our blog and see if anyone will vote. prob not, because i think they only comment when they hate.

Jennifer: they'll tell you that there is a recession going on and you are a vapid bitch for daring to want shoes.
PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR HOUSES.

me: lol. also that i should not think twilight is a guilty pleasure because it's real literature, and i only like guys with fuckety faces and also prom dresses.
okay, so the haters might be on to something, but they are looking at it ALL WRONG.

plus, i need shoes to walk in, god.

A)

B)

C)

My apartment can SOMETIMES find the Internet now...

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, I'm checking in while I briefly have Internet to pimp out a TV show I have never seen but that is my new favorite because Carter Baizen is in it and I love him and also (to a lesser degree, because I am that sad and shallow and so it's mostly about Carter) I think it will be Important Television! With Important Themes and Messages Relevant To Society Today! Or at least layered or whatever, like they tell me Lost is.

Anyway, everyone watch Kings. Who doesn't want Sunday night TV? People who know about TV tell me this is actually a bad time slot and thus the show will immediately be canceled. Also, that the show is going to be too smart for people to want to watch. But, um, no. It's going to be awesome. Sunday night TV about an alternate universe King David? Who doesn't love David's story? It's the best, most gay story in the Bible ever! Let's go!

Also, Carter Baizen, hi. I don't know (or care) what his name is on Kings yet. In real life it's Sebastian, though, which is probably even marginally cooler than Carter Baizen. And he dates Leighton! And I love him.

It's better than the time I read all four Twilight books because of a sort of crush on Robert Pattinson at least, isn't it?

Twilight Takes Over The World! Or At Least Mine, Because As We Have Discussed, It Already Has Or Whatever!

Posted by: Kim

Disclaimer: My Baby Bro Ben is visiting and I kindly purchased him his beverage of choice in handle form, which is bourbon, of all things, and so now we're both drunk.

So, at this very moment I am watching the completely (and deservedly so, because it's awesome) acceptable-by-television-snobs Top Chef finale (Team Carla! Whoo dee whoo![?] What? She's toast. But I love her!) However, immediately preceding this very moment, I may or may not have been watching American Idol. Again. Ahem.

Now, when the first season of American Idol aired, I was studying abroad in London, and so I missed it entirely. As in I arrived back in the States, and in the summer of 2003 was driving around and heard Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This' and was all, "Um, what the hell is this crap?" (obvi I am now a fan, that song was her singular weak moment) and thus began my understanding.

However I never watched.

Until last week.

And then tonight.

BUT. I have had friends who consistently OMG ADORE OBSESSIVELY it. And they all have one thing in common: They HATE HATE HATE the musical theatre types, and LOOOOVE the 'edgy rocker' types that show up to compete. And then I proceed to hear David Cook on the radio and be like, "meh, 100% meh" and they are all, "BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR HIM SING 'HELLO!!!1!!11!!!!!!OMFG" and I'm all "so it IS glorified karaoke for hipsters who are too cool for musicals! A-HA!"

***** TIME OUT***** Hosea just won Top Chef. Um, snore. Aside from the time he made the crispy salmon rolls, I remember nothing. It should have been Stefan. Not that I like him. But he is better. Whatever.

Okay, back. Right, so, American Idol is no place for Broadway singers. Except ... it is a singing competition, yes? Well, I mean, it's also a beauty pageant, but, Broadway singers tend to be cutie pies, so. Anyway. All I'm saying is, enjoy musicals or not (and for the record, 90% of the time I do not -- ask Jen, we share a mutual issue with suspension of disbelief, and often -- exhibit A, Twilight 4 -- mine is even stronger than hers), Broadway-style singers tend to have the best voices.

AND OMG I HAVE A TOTAL CRUSH ON ADAM LAMBERT NOW WTF THANKS AMERICAN IDOL.

Like, the Pete Wentz look is not really my type (I mean, if the princess dress/pearl/J.Crew gushing and discussions of Nantucket and Chace Crawford hasn't yet given it away, I'm destined for matrimony with a stockbroker or perhaps a professional lacrosse player), and, I'll just throw it out there: despite the fact that "Wild Horses" unfailingly makes me cry in a good way every time I hear it, and I obviously like "Ruby Tuesday" because I'm human, I am not even that big of a Rolling Stones fan, so please don't quiz me on albums. BUT OMG. That was so fun! He was so great! His voice is fantastic! His flatironed hair is amazing!

AND THEN RANDY JACKSON TOOK IT TO THE TWILIGHT PLACE.

TWILIGHT RULES THE WORLD!

And, whilst Ryan compared him to Edward Cullen (what?), I would like to point out that Randy was comparing him to R.Pattz ... um, R. Patz? ... RPattz!zz! Robert Pattinson! Who, because maybe one other time or 17 while I was drunk I stalked a little, I know sings (I'm sure this is not news to anyone but me, so pick on something else and let me roll with it please, haters) -- BUT DOES RANDY KNOW THAT?! Seriously. Someone clarify. What was going on? Was he comparing Adam singing 'Satisfaction' to RPattz singing on the Twilight soundtrack? Cause I mean, they sounded nothing alike, aside from both awesome. Or was he talking about their mutual affection for strategically tousled hair?

DOES IT EVEN MATTER? NO. I loved this guy, and then Randy called him Edward. I mean R Pattz. I am clearly paraphrasing wherever the hell I see fit at this point. ANYWAY.

Sold. I have my American Idol. Call me, Adam. Let's go out. Or ... go shopping.

Oh, also, in addition to my new American Idol boyfriend (please, no one call me with examples of him singing the Jesus Christ Superstar score or something I have no interest in hearing, I DON'T CARE, LET ME HAVE MY FANTASY) I voted for the girl who sang 'Alone' and the girl who sang 'Bette Davis Eyes' simply because those are two of my karaoke signatures (Jen sang 'Alone' with me once, and she loved it. She can't deny.). Rock on, karaoke idols.

Jenny Humphrey! You're Making Me Nervous (Part 25)!

Posted by: Jen

Oh, sigh.

Jenny/Taylor! COME ON. You are 15, why do you insist on going out looking like a late twenty-something 80's punk rocker on the way to their third trip to rehab?! I mean, ok, it IS better than most of the 15 year old starlets out there these days, going out looking like 25 year old wanna-be sex machines (Miley, I'm looking at you) with their hair and their makeup and their grownup clothes and god I sound like my mother, but you are the only one out of all of them convincing me that a trip to the hospital for cocaine induced "exhaustion" is in your near future. Hey Jenny, remember GG season one? When you were cute and had shiny long hair and pants without holes? Yeah, that was last year, not 10 years ago. Sigh, I worry about you, and your Red Bull drinking ways.

Also, I am watching American Idol AGAIN (I really need cable. And TiVo. And I would watch endless What Not To Wear marathons and die happy) and let me tell you, I am an Adam fan tonight. When they interviewed him, I was like "AW awesome theater gay boy! Love!" and then wondered if the whole Clay Aiken debacle of the days of yore would happen again. You know, in which straight women convince themselves that the object of their desire is straight, coin a kicky nickname off of it (um, Claymates) and then three years later are ultimately embarrassed by their complete lack of gaydar. I actually knew a girl in high school who OMG LOVED LANCE BASS EEEEEE!!!1 and I don't talk to her anymore but I am sure she was a Claymate at some point. Oh yeah, and then, to further my argument, Randy said he had a "Steven Tyler, Fallout Boy, Robert Pattinson from Twilight" thing going for him, at which Adam immediately responded, "OMG, I love those books and movie!", which should clear up any and all misconceptions.

Anyway, he can totally sing! So, I voted for him and no one else because although I may be tone deaf, I didn't think any of the others were good and none of them had compelling back stories. Sigh. I just wish their were new episodes of GG and 90210 so I wouldn't have to watch this slightly amusing overgrown talent show.

Revenge.

Posted by: Kim

To follow up Jen's most recent post, and embark on my new resolution to blog more often, I am here to get Jen back for outing me as a Sometimes-Squeeing-Robert-Pattinson-Crush-Haver the other day. I may even add in extraneous gushing punctuation where I see necessary. Hmmph.

Re: Twilight 3 (she has me doing it now, see, but I'm going to spare you the conversation we had during which I tried to force her to accept how much sense the actual titles make and she started going on about solar eclipses coming before twilight), we had a talk that went something like this:

Kim: Did you finish Twilight 2? Did you love how Edward [spoiler spoiler spoiler] SPARKLING [spoiler]?!

Jen: YES. And I bought Twilight 3 at the airport - so the salesclerk will never see me again!

Kim: Twilight 3 is the BEST. Wait. Was it hardcover?

Jen: Yes. $20!!!11!

Kim: Omg. I can't believe you spent $20 on it. DO NOT spend $20 to get Breaking Dawn. I mean, Twilight 4. I got them both for less than $20 on Amazon. I will give you Twilight 4 on Saturday. It's not worth $20. I mean, unless you want the whole collection for yourself ...

Jen: Um.

Kim: HA. YOU DO. Wait. Does this mean you're keeping my copy of Twilight 1? In that case, you can just keep my Twilight 4 too. I'll already be incomplete.

Jen: No, I will get it. You can have your Twilight 1 back.

Kim: I cannot believe we are both going to have full Twilight collections. BECAUSE OF YOU. (ed: That last fragment was just added now, I will admit. But it's TRUE. And Jen doesn't even like to have things in her apartment.)

Sincerely Thanking The Anonymity of The Internet...

Posted by: Jen

I have a confession. Kim will not be surprised, but I want -- no, need -- to come clean and will do it under the anonymous blanket of the internet. It's like confessing behind the partition at church except without the lying about what you really did part. Anyway:

IREALLYLIKETWILIGHTMORETHANISHOULDANDIFEELGUILTY
BECAUSEIAM26ANDNOT16!!!

Ahhh.

So, I went to go see the movie in theaters because if anything, you know I love watching pretty 22 year olds playing pretty teenagers (re: Gossip Girl, any teen horror movie, and more recently, the new 90210 -- might as well come completely clean since I am confessing), and who doesn't love vampires? Anyway, I liked the movie, and didn't feel that bad because I always like movies like that -- you know, the deliciously good to watch kind that are all fluff with little substance... The kind that people who brag about listening to only NPR roll their eyes at, because it draws throngs of screaming teenage to the premier.

I am no screamer, ever, just to put that out there. Kim squees sometime and I might squeak at a cute animal but I would never, ever scream over anything, really. Not in that way at least; maybe if someone was actually trying to murder me or something.

But I digress... Kim found the first Twilight book (I am aware that they all have different names but I will call them Twilight 1-4 out of laziness) at Marshalls for like $7 and had to buy it because even though she hasn't admitted it outright, I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Robert Pattinson and just wanted an excuse to think about/visualize him more, but actually ended up really liking it in the process. She then sent it to me for xmas, and now I have a problem.

Who wouldn't like this? It is like reading crack laced candy with sexy, sexy vampires. I love it and it's addicting and yet my inner intellectual -- the one that comes out occasionally in between episodes of GG or thinking about shoes to scoff at The Davinci Code, or to edit my boyfriend's grad school application essay or to question the meaning of life -- is SO ASHAMED! IT IS FOR TEENAGERS AND IT ISN'T EVEN WRITTEN WELL BUT YET I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! GAHHHH!

Not to mention the real actual problems I should have with it, regardless of what audience it was written for. The author's religious message, the fact that she portrays Bella as an independent woman despite the fact that the story is decidedly non-feminist and the general lack of adjectives besides "granite".

I don't care though, I really don't. And I think to myself, "Self, if you had a sexy, sexy real life vampire whispering into your ear about maybe believing in God while he was grazing your neck with his perfect mouth, would you care about religious debate?" and the answer is always a resounding, giant, NOOOOO! And that answer is giving me some kind of identity crisis because I think I stand for some stuff (Stuff! See I'm forgetting it already!) but I could easily be deterred by perfect beauty. Sigh, nobody tell Gloria Steinem, ok?

Oh, so the point of my post: tonight after work I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the second book. After perusing the new paperback fiction as not to make anyone suspicious about my mission, I casually headed to the teen section and immediately started sweating with embarrassment. Everyone else in the store was clearly buying Proust while I was standing there looking decidedly young in my dirty Converse, puffy jacket with fur around the hood and purple stripe-y gloves. And they obviously all knew what I was looking for and were silently laughing at me.

After circling the teen section unable to find Twilight 2, thinking that since I had regressed to reading children's books I clearly couldn't find one by alphabetical order anymore, I decided to ask an employee. I was horrified and slid over to one, sweating, and had the following exchange:

Me: Um hi. Do you have that book... Twilight?
Her: (Remarkably not phased about the fact that a 26 year old was asking for it) Yeah, it's on the big table in the middle of the store by the escalator.

Great. Where everyone could see. I ran over to the table, grabbed the book and sprinted to the register to pay, hiding the cover against my jacket.

The cashier did not break out in laughter either, if you were wondering. So maybe I got all worked up over nothing, or maybe she silently judged and I should be ashamed , I don't know; it was the NY Times #1 Bestseller after all, so maybe I am not pathetic, but rather just following the crowd. Anyway, internal conflict aside, all that really matters is that I finally got Twilight 2, AND AM SO EXCITED!!! And I won't have to ever relive the B&N horror ever again because now I know exactly where the Twilight table is.

Regarding "Twilight" again ...

Posted by: Kim

I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but I've been off my game. Anyway, here we go:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I apologize for all of the nasty things I said about your promotional covers in my previous Twilight post of epic length. You ARE Edward Cullen, and I love you.

Love, Kim

So, I saw Twilight ... um, twice, maybe (I only paid once though, I do have some boundaries) and I loved it and I love Edward Cullen and I love Robert Pattinson and I love Alice and Jasper (my favorite Twilight couple, so much cooler than Bella and Edward) and the people who played them even if they weren't utilized nearly enough, and I really wish whatever that Iron & Wine song at the end was had been made in time for my prom. Also, Bella was way less annoying in the movie than she is in the book, so that was cool, even if Kristin Stewart exudes bitchery even while she's acting, but, whatever. Yay, Twilight movie! Fan, here.

But back to the books. So after my ''it sucks but in an addictive way'' reaction to the first book, I got the rest. And they got progressively better! Hey! To the point that I totally loved the third one, Eclipse. Loved. Unabashedly. But, world, now here I am stuck about halfway through the fourth and final one, and all I can say is

WHAT.

WTF.

RENESMEE?!

It ... I really thought I had words going into this, but, as I was trying to explain to my new-Twilight-fan sister who is currently in the midst of Eclipse bliss, the fourth book IS WHACK. Currently the only character I still like is Carlisle, I am ready to go smack anyone who dares talk about the magic that is baaaaaaaaabieeeees, and I am about ready to revoke all my glowing-and-grudging praise of this epic vampire love saga if the final installment doesn't shape up and quick, because, again: WHAT THE HELL.

Also, there is no way in Hades that this one can ever be made into a movie anywhere in America that its target audience (you know, tween girls) will be allowed to see without adult accompaniment and nightmares for life.

Jen. Read these books. We need to discuss.