Why Can't People Just Be Normal?

Posted by: Jen

Jennifer: what is Dickchicken (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776?ref=pymk#/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776)?
omg, I hate them
"it's a litmus test"
lol
a litmus test for being a tool?

Chris: they graffiti all over Williamsburg
you always see it and it's irritating
cause they obviously think they are being clever

Jennifer: but Chris, if you were cool and clever you would like it!!!
genitals + farm animals = hip and edgy

Chris: yah according to them , it's all about having a sense of humor

Jennifer: If I could roll my eyes harder I would cause permanent damage.

On priorities. Or, the cynical react.

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: So. Are you sad about Michael Jackson? Because seems like everyone in the world is distraught but me.

Jennifer: I'm like, soooo he was a creepy dude who did shady things but made good music back in the day and now he's dead. Oh well.

Kimberley: Oh, yeah, no. I mean, it is kind of like, WHOA! really?! nuts. But, i mean, I didn't know him and he didn't make music anymore, soooo i really felt no personal anything to the event.

Jennifer: Yeah. I feel nothing, I wonder if I have mental problems. But honestly I get more upset when book characters die than celebrities because I feel like I have more invested in book characters.

Kimberley: No, I agree. I mean, I actually think it's kind of awful that people get so devasted by the death of celebrities. Like it's sad that people die in general, but also, um, people die. In general. Many from far worse causes, in far worse ways, with much sadder stories.

Jennifer: Yeah you're right. people who mourn CELEBRITIES are the ones with problems
I'm going to mourn the people being beaten to death in Iran for protesting insead.

Kimberley: Yes! for real though.

Jennifer: At first I felt really callous because I didn't care at all about MJ and everyone else did.

Kimberley: That's the thing. That is happening and no one cares. But stop the presses, a famous person died! Of natural causes.

Jennifer: I do, I am rooting for the ladies, they need to stop the madness over there. He died of a drug overdose, I think. But still, that's normal. Ha.

Kimberley: Well that's the thing. If Lindsay Lohan smashed into a tree tomorrow, Hollywood would piss on itself and like, darken the sign in the hills or whatever. It's all very backwards.

Jennifer: And they'd be like, "She really WAS the next Marilyn Monroe!" When before everyone was like, "haha addict wannabe Marilyn!"

Kimberley: Exactly. I was listening to the radio this am and they were talking about MJ and two of the talkers were like, it is SO SAD and one was like, you know what though, what a creep he was. And the other two were like ZOMG!!11!!!! I JUST WANT TO REMEMBER HIM IN THRILLER DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BABY DANGLING THING!!! And the other one was like, 'see this is what is wrong with people.' And i was like, oh I'd be his friend.

Jennifer: I mean, when you're dead isn't it a better time to talk shit because you can't hear it?
When I die I want people to say I ate puppies.

Kimberley: Ha! Ok, if you go first i promise I'll manifest that to no end.

Jennifer: Ok, what do you want me to say about you?

Kimberley: Probably that I kept an ice pick in my Chanel scarf and would stealthily stab ugly people on the subway.

Jennifer: Oh, I like it. I will be like 96 and have a flask of martini and stand up and say it at your funeral. I will also sprinkle cocaine on your casket as they lower it into the ground.

Confusion.

Posted by: Kim

Last week sometime Jen and I discussed the phenomenon that is Twilight and how thus far this has been another instance of us living under some rock while the rest of the world pees its collective pants about something pop cultural.

This time, though, we came to the conclusion that this might be a bandwagon we could jump on, because we love vampires and pretty people, and the preview for the upcoming Twilight movie looks incredible. Incredible as in good, or incredible as in so bad it comes back around to awesome, well, that is to be determined. But, vampires. Pretty vampires.

Cut to Sunday morning, when I was impulse-purchasing heels at Marshalls (in my defense, Marshalls - I got two pairs that retailed at $85 and $125, respectively, for $40. Total.) and I noticed Twilight the book for sale in the checkout aisle for $7 and I really don't need much enabling, so, I bought that too.

Ahem. I have finished it. Hi, world? Pants-peeing, vamp-lusting, fangirly world? It's not good. And yet, I sort of get it. It's not good, it's not well-written, it's not well-developed plot-wise, and the heroine is rather absurd. But I couldn't put it down, and omfg, it's a series? I need the rest of them!

Right, so it's not good. As I was attempting to explain so to Jen, she said, "so is it bad like The DaVinci Code is bad?" which is the singlemost intelligent, best question she could have asked, and the answer is both yes and no.

Jen and I are the only two people I know who hated The DaVinci Code, but I refuse to believe we are wrong on this. Sorry, Mr. Brown, but you wrote a crappy book that snuck its way atop the best-sellers list and at least two people noticed. Like you care anyway. Enjoy the millions. However, I look up to you as a historian. See, my (and Jen's, though she can correct me if I am wrong) main problem with The DaVinci Code is that it was chock full of incredibly interesting historical (or biblical, if you prefer) allegories and "facts" ... that were then left abandoned and drowning without a prayer amidst an inane, retarded story. End result on my part? Rage. I had to force myself to finish it.

Twilight suffers from a similar problem, in that the historical perspective on the vampire clan, particularly when told from the perspective of the members of the tribal reservation (not to mention their own folklore) is really cool. Aaaand there's about, I don't know, 12 pages dedicated to it out of the 500-plus worth of relatively blahhhh teen drama and somewhat creepy "love" story. However, unlike with The DaVinci Code, teen drama and creepy love stories hold my interest, and so I kept tearing through the pages waiting for the awesome to come. It never did, really, but I'm intrigued enough to keep going. Of course, I'll probably be spitting nails by the time I finish the last book and they've all been shitty. But whatever.

As far as the movie goes? WHEN CAN I GET MY TICKETS?! OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EDWARD ON SCREEN! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

But, alas. A question:

WHAT?


Okay, of the 500-whatever pages of this book, approximately 492 of them are dedicated to reveling in Edward the sparkly (yes, sparkly - there is an entire passage in which he is sparkling in the sun and it is discussed at length), broody vampire boyfriend's insane, otherworldy beauty. Ummm ... I'm no expert, but Jen and I do also love zombies and we did dress up like zombified versions of the main characters of our favorite TV show of all time (I'll let you envision what you wish) for Halloween, and, um, Edward is really looking a little zombie here. I mean, you know, like early stage zombie, before the decaying is totally complete, and clearly he didn't get bit in the face (as I did, on Halloween), but still. Zombie-esque. AND ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES ARE NOT THE SAME! To break it down, vampires = hot, zombies = not, this poster = not, this poster = not vampire. Yes? Yes.

Also, quick research informs me that this young man, Robert Pattinson, is in fact about 400 times hotter than this poster conveys. I mean, he's hot in a dirty, mildly creepy "I don't have to shower because I am dirty British rockstar-esque and that is my thing, with my hair grease and cigarettes" kind of way that never totally gets me all hot and bothered but certainly seems to do it for plenty of chicks. But point is, I've seen the preview, and now I've read the book, and while I probably would have sought out Henry Cavill or perhaps Chuck Bass himself, I approve of the casting. I get it. Edward is a vampire, and he is physically supposed to be perfect and painfully beautiful but he is not human, so they had to get someone who is, as I put it earlier and Jen approved, kind of fuckity beautiful. They couldn't just cast Chace Crawford and call it a day. It had to be someone kind of bizarrely attractive, someone variable, who, from the wrong angle or in the wrong light probably runs the risk of coming across as downright ugly, but in the right light and at the right angle is stunning. And I feel like they got it.

SO WHY IS THIS YOUR AD CAMPAIGN?!!!!? OMG.

It gets worse:



WHAT.

Also of note is that they both totally dyed their hair between poster/EW cover? Wtf. At least Bella is a total super-hottie on the EW cover. TOO BAD EDWARD IS NOT AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEFINITION OF HOT. I am just so confused. His belt is kind of cool, though.

Oh yeah, also, Re: Bella, I don't really care. I don't really care about Bella. I wouldn't be friends with her character in real life, I am pretty sure. This chick appears fine for the job.

I can't wait to see this movie.

And Jen? Vampire B&S? It could work ...

Dear John McCain, Ask Me How Much I Care About "Your Health"

Posted by: Jen

Now I know this is a few days late, but I've been busy and I'm extra cranky right now because I just ran 20 miles in preparation for my next marathon. So seriously J. Mac, that was the biggest asshole move of the century. Thanks for telling me you could give a shit about my health -- as if we already didn't know from your stellar healthcare plan -- but I'm really glad you could drive it home and say you don't care about women. Please remember you are REALLY old and fuck you. xoxo, Jen

ALSO!

Dear Sarah Palin, stop shitting all over anything that's not small town America and then coming to New York City and saying "9/11! The Terrorists! USA USA USA!" Seriously, I refuse for you to criticize me for having all of my teeth and knowing how to read for one minute and then trying to unite with me over our (non)mutual hatred of the (OMG!!!1) terrorists the next. It's disgusting, cloying and if we ever met, my thoughts on you would be much more direct and succinct, that's to be sure.

I'm totes an American, so stop saying I'm not to rally to your stupid base that probably doesn't even exist. I hate the fact that you have a Joe Six Pack and a Joe Plumber and assume that your average American is a dumbass white male redneck, and he should be proud of it. All citizens should be insulted because I don't believe that your average American is really like that -- they are much smarter than you give them credit for. Also, last time I checked I wasn't part of the state trying to succeed from the US. xoxo, Jen

PS: Dinosaurs and humans NEVER co-existed, and most "average" Americans can tell you that, dontchaknow.

We Did Not Write This Book, But We Could Have

Posted by: Jen

I don't really know why someone felt the need to write this book, but in honor of my favorite accessory, I totally condone it. I am more of a "wrap it around your neck regardless of whether or not it is cold" kind of girl, while Kim will tie it in her hair a la Zombie Popular Serena in last week's GG (albeit not as hippie). I really can't think of 97 more ways, but hey, points on creativity, and at $13.57 it's a steal on Amazon (I'm guessing it's not really a big seller as most people are all, "Scarf. Neck. Duh." but whatever, I love scarves!).

http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Cut-Rock-Your-Scarf/dp/0307395677

Oh, Yeah, So the Bailout Bill Went Down.

Posted by: Kim

Recession-proof fields:

Bankruptcy law.
Software development.

Blogging.

Smug smug.

This makes me glad I've been a little lax on my 401K.

I probably shouldn't be amused.

Jen! JEN! Does this mean we're on our way to fame? I feel like I should email Julia Allison.

Posted by: Kim

In response to our discussion on road-tripping In Search Of The Elusive Real Americans:

Anonymous said...

i can't decide which one of you is stupider.
the pink one sounds stupider. the blue one is probably uglier.
though i'm sure your both fat.
and stupid.

Everything about this is perfect. The anonymity! The veneer of utter coolness (capitalization, who needs you?)! THE GLARING GRAMMATICAL ERROR MADE WHILE PONDERING WHICH OF US IS STUPIDER!

Please come again, anonymous.

XOXO,

The Fat (but prettier!), Stupider One.

Obama Is High Fashion; McCain Is Catalogue

Posted By: Jen

So I've had a few margaritas and I have major alergies and I can't stop sneezing and it's annoying. But ANYWAY. ANYWAY. Yo, republicans, can you stop being such hateful bitches (and I mean that in a completely non-sexist way since you people are all up on feminism all of the sudden)? I am anxiously awaiting McCain's speech right now, and I will try not to break my tv when he inevitably starts spewing vitriol all over the place (or did he just forget to take his pills?). I just look at that convention and it blows. my. mind. because I know no one who would ever yell "Drill baby, drill" or "USA" in an unironic way. Oh god, I'm scared. And looking into getting citizenship in the EU if he wins. Props to Obama for keeping it classy!

10:17pm: OH! He's on! And he has a nerdy voice! I know I am not supposed to do that because he was a POW, but I can't help it.

10:18: They are chanting USA again. I hope France isn't watching.

10:19: Shout out to the redneck with the sign! OH, OH 9/11! 9/11! TEH TERRORISTS ARE COMING TO GET US! The crowd goes wild.

10:20: USA USA USA? AGAIN? Fucking A. Shout out to Laura Bush. Ok, she's cool. Whatev.

10:21: Cindy! Your hair looks excellent! Cindy is his inspiration... Hmm, I thought she was a "cunt"? No? I didn't say it.

10:22: HIS MOM. Oh man she looks like she could cut a bitch. How old is she? Like one million? Oh, he just said she's 96. How old is McCain?

10:23: He will not let us down.

10:24: McCain respects Obama. Ok. Ok. Let's go with it, even though I think it's complete bullshit.

10:25: Do you know we are endowed by our creator with inalienable rights? He only means white men, I'm sure, but that sounds nice. Oh and he thinks he's gonna win. I'll see to that, Johnny, I will.

10:26: You wan't prosperity AND peace? Shit. J Mc mentions tough times (you know, that pesky economy?) and the crowd chants "USA! USA!" What, do they like recessions now? Are they proud of it? Well at least they can own it, which is far more than like, Russia ever did when people were waiting in line for bread.

10:27: McCain pleads for them to stop chanting. I think even he is embarassed for them. He tries to mention serious economical issues and the crowd yells "USA" again. Sigh. Asshats. He mentions Palin. Ohhhh man. Cheers. Her hair is back up into its crazyness, not that I am supposed to be talking about that. Because it does not matter. Unlike Hillary's pantsuits, apparently.

10:28: She did shit for Alaska, where like three people and a team of sled dogs live. Awesome. Why are people giving my boy Barry shit for not having experience?

10:29: SHE IS A MOTHER! IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW! PITBULL WITH LIPSTICK BITCHES!!!

10:30: McCain warns Washington about Palin and the change that is coming... Hasn't he been in Washington for like 100 years? Just sayin'.

10:31: Oh you will leave your problems for some other generation to fix dude. That's what babyboomers do! Get over yourself.

10:32: He just called himself a maverick. Is that allowed? Isn't that one of those things only other people can call you? My cat is drinking out of my water glass. Another issue.

10:33: Big spenders wasting my money? He John, let's talk about that thing known as the war. Pork and barrel? Oh, let's talk about those lucrative government military contracts.

10:34: HE HAS FOUGHT AGAINST UNION BOSSES. My father will not be pleased. The nerve of those people, wanting safe working conditions and fair pay! Also, his country cannot lose a war. Who are we, the Patriots?

10:35: Awww, he thanks the brave men and women overseas! You know, the ones he will not give a shit about once they return and need psychological counseling, education and employment.

10:36: What are you fighting for John? BILL AND SUE IN FARMINGTON HILLS, MICHIGAN! They lost their house! Also Frank and Toni in Pennsylvania. They have an autistic son. What do these people have to do with anything? Are they terrorist targets? I bet Frank and Toni have a hell of a time getting health care coverage for their son. Let's talk about that.

10:37: TEH TERRORISTS! AHHHHHHH!

10:38: Reform government? Ok, alright. I'm down. Oil? Dependence on? Ummm, let's ask one G.W. Bush about that. I hear he's best buddies with Saudi Arabia.

10:39: I HAVE GOD-GIVEN POTENTIAL and that "Latina daughter of the dock worker" is an American too! YAY! Let us pray! We are also a "culture of light", how meta.

10:40: Justices that are impartial? Let's talk about the last few appointed by our fair prez.

10:41: GOVERNMENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU?! Heeeeee. He obviously means everywhere except my uterus. He calls Barry "my opponent". He who shall not be mentioned. Like the Candyman. Or that guy in Harry Potter.

10:42: Barry's also gonna make us all socialists, in case you were wondering. I think we should all have identical uniforms designed by Isaac Mizrahi, if that happens. And he's dissing state run healthcare. I think he's full of crap because my boyfriend (who is obviously infallible, ha) is from England and he says it's great.

10:43: He's gonna change the economy? Cool. He's going to "help workers that lost a job that won't come back, find a new one that won't go away!" So like that guy who works in the factory? He can get a job at Google no problem. At a decent wage.

10:44: Education! "The civil rights issue of this century". I am confused? Failing schools? I am kind of mad at him right now, because if your kid does shitty at school it is not the teacher's fault, really... More the parents who don't give a damn. Oh I think he's talking about vouchers. I need to read more about that, so I cannot pass judgment. I do however, think his tie sucks.

10:47: We're not sending money to countries that "don't like us very much" if he is elected. I worry that means "Africa, where they need help with AIDS". Ohhhh shit, he wants to drill offshore. How about we invest money into renewable energy before it's too late and save the polar bears while were at it?

10:48: Ok, he read my mind. He wants to research new forms of energy. Fine. Apparently Obama is a bad man for not wanting to drill and liking polar bears. To each his own.

10:50: NEW JOBS WILL BE CREATED! So that dude who lost his job in the factory? He can become a scientist and learn how to harness the wind and turn it into electricity. USA! USA!

10:51: IRAN!!! RUSSIA!!! Hahahahah, are we in 1980? Iran is crazy and Russia is part of the EU. Ignore Iran and Russia will work itsself out. Georgia needs our prayers though; those evil Russians! THE COLD WAR MIGHT COME BACK! Isn't this what the EU was formed for? Can't they deal? Well, it doesn't matter, because J Mc is NOT afraid.

10:52: His eyes kind of drift apart when he reads the teleprompter. Just saying. He mentions WWII. This will get the grandparent vote. He wants peace though. I'll believe him because most people don't want to fight (except Russia and Iran) and would rather eat ice cream and look at kittens, I'm sure.

10:54: He just seriously mentioned every issue in one sentence. He then mentions that new fangled "technology". LOL. I wonder if he can email? Or do you think he also thinks chat is like an email and writes it like this: "Dear Sarah, You look pretty tonight. Say something about Jesus. XOXO, John"?

10:55: I stopped listening. He mentioned scars. He was a POW people! Do not speak ill of him.

10:56: Bi-partisan, accountablity, transparency are all wonderful things. I don't know if he means it. He's very aw-shucks-y. I'd prob go to his house and eat cookies with him and play chess.

10:57: He was blessed for going to war. And because he was captured. It is kind of a scary story, like I do feel bad for him and it is horrible. Aw. Oh god, this hurts my cold heart. He couldn't feed himself. I'm an asshole. No, not really; that is a totally valid story, and he was brave and I respect it, but I still do not like his ideas. And I don't think being a POW makes you automatically qualified to be president.

11:01: He kind of reminds me of my dad when he tells a story. This is actually really interesting, and he's a good story teller. Still though, this is not relevant.

11:02: They just showed the ONLY black people in the audience.

11:03: Aw John, we can be friends. You just can't be president and history has NOT "anointed you to save this country in the hour of its need".

11:04: John, I will admit, you show a lot of class. Much more than your VP. He just told people to try to make a difference in their communities, I agree. Too bad your VP has a high likelihood of becoming prez. And she scares me.

11:05: Stop mentioning God.

11:06: Stand up and fight! I'm volunteering for Planned Parenthood; do your part kiddies. I don't think that's what he meant, but isn't that bi-partisanship at its finest?

Sooo... That was way moderate and I wouldn't be so frightened if he hadn't picked Palin as his VP. Her values are way out there and it makes me wonder what he's really thinking...

There are 34 skyscrapers in Boston?!

Posted by: Kim

As far as I can tell (and I look at it every day) there are really only two buildings of any sort of impressive height in Boston's skyline, but, I obviously support this idea anyway ...

(Even though it's also going to creep me out and make me think terrorism and zombies and armageddon, et al, the first time the city is dark, most likely)

Tonight begins Lights Out Boston.