Whitney Port Shows She Has Learned Nothing From Diane, New York, Part 2: An Analysis of The Hills Finale Party

Posted by: Jen

So The Hills season finale was last night and all of the LA people were not surprisingly, really stupid and left the warm goodness of SoCal and came to frozen New York. Anyway, I don't watch the show because I don't have cable (I really do miss the Saturday all day marathons when I am hungover and have to watch PBS), but I did notice a few things about our favorite totally real people who happen to have a tv show:

1. Whitney Port has apparently proven that NY drugs are way harder than the kind found in LA. Case in point:

Like, WTF is this? Did she rob Stevie Nicks AND a Hawaiian Tropic girl on the way to the party? In her NY hard drug fueled euphoria did she craft a stolen lei from said Hawaiian Tropic girl into a seriously bad headband? People, this is a woman who has her own clothing line and "WORKS" in fashion. I gag. And Diane probably threw up all over herself when she saw the photos this morning.

2. I love Lauren's dress!

Sparkly! Simple! Well played! If I could fix ONE thing about this, it would be to tell L to stop doing her stupid "I'm a little teapot pose." Seriously, think of something else. Now every one laugh at how deranged/goofy Whitney looks next to Lauren!

3. What recession?

Lauren's Philip Lim dress costs $925 dollars AND IS SOLD OUT in most sizes! Really? Now I'm sad because I can't buy it even if I could afford it. Or wanted to spend what I pay for rent on a dress. Oh also, if you have a couple grand left after you buy your beautious PL sparkly wonder dress, Net-A-Porter suggests you pair it with some Louboutins and a Jimmy Choo clutch. I say, if we're all going to the breadline, we might as well look fabulous!*

* J/K, J/K, J/K FOR REAL.

Dear Paris Hilton, Why?

Posted by: Jen

Oh Paris, for someone who shops like, ALL THE TIME, you really suck at it. Let's review:

1. Weird freaky faux belt shirt resembling an ugly belt that I would not wear if it were real, let alone drawn on to a shirt. Why do you want a fake belt "belting" your boobs?

2. An A-Line business-y skirt that almost covers your knee? Are you going for a job interview at the ugly shirt store?

3. OMG, no -- OMFG!!!1 -- ARE THOSE RED PATENT SLINGBACKS WITH TIGHTS? Dear Jesus, when did you become a 75 year old woman?!

On Xmas Xchanging

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Kim: UM DID YOU LIKE THE CARD HI Jennifer: it looks like you bought it

that is a compliment

Kim: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT

Jennifer: I can't wait til you see mine

Kim: IT WAS MADE WITH SO MUCH LOVE

i bought the stamp with you in mind! Jennifer: lol I probably appreciate the xmas penguin more than most

Kim: yes. some people want mangers and messiahs. i know you prefer arctic birds in hats.
Jennifer: christmas is about animals in hats, elves and drinking
Jennifer: anything else, I do not care for

every now and then my mom would get a jesus card

it was always such a disappointment

Tonight Is My Office Xmas Party

Posted by: Jen


So I'm feeling festive. And so I give you: hedgehog in a sombrero!

If you're looking for a fun, reasonably priced holiday dress ...

Posted by: Kim

... allow me to point you in the direction of the Gap.

No, really. I'm sure you're having one of two thoughts ("the ... Gap? For realz?" or "Yeah. Obviously Kim would like the Gap.") and neither of them are exactly positive, but, I swear. Cute. Affordable. If I didn't have a closet so full it's starting to wake me up at night covered in a cold sweat of shame and guilt, I'd be all over half a dozen or so on the site.

As it is, I leave it to others. I'll shop vicariously.

www.gap.com

Buy (Red) Save Lives while you're at it.

Drunken Rant: Hey 303, Go Fuck Yourself!

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so wasn't going to blog because I went to happy hour and kept going and it's 2am, but then I got home and was eating delicious delicious Life cereal while watching stupid Carson Daily because Gideon Yago was on and I was interested because he is a legit reporter and then they went to the musical guest which was this band called 303 and I have no idea what it means but I am assuming it is an area code -- wait let me google it -- IT IS AND IT'S DENVER -- came on and OH MAN were they offensive/lame.

Ok, ok, ok. I know that last paragraph was a run-on sentence but work with me, I've had like eleventeen drinks and am trying. so. hard. to. type. properly. These dumb Colorado dudes had puppets and were dressed up as a fireman and a police officer and the song that they sang contained the following lyrics:

"Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Shhhh girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips "

And I was like, YO, DENVER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Like who the fuck does that? OMG. And all of the horrible LA people that go to Carson's stupid show were like rocking out in their Kitson and I almost choked on my Life cereal. I find these lyrics to be ridiculously retarded/offensive, especially coming from two ugly dudes who can barley sing and clearly got signed because their "thing" was puppets. Like really, really? HELLEN KELLER? Oh jesus. EPIC FUCKING FAIL.

Eric Will Not Be Getting His Own Show

Posted by: Jen

So that pesky rumor about a Gossip Girl spin off that was making us all nervous about which character would leave the show and commit career/show suicide by breaking up the pure magic that is GG? Totally true! But fear not everyone, Chuck is NOT leaving. And Eric is not getting his own show -- he seemed like the only logical one to me, because he is underused and totally awesome!!!

From Star Magazine:

"A network insider says the spin-off will center around the younger lives of Blake Lively and Penn Badgely's on-screen parents, played by Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle.

"The show will focus on the early romance between Lily and Rufus," says the insider. "It begins when they first meet, during a time when Rufus and his band are at the height of their career. The show will follow the high society and rock 'n' roll lifestyle in New York."

...The source denies rumors that an original cast member will be leaving the show to join the spin-off. Instead, two new actors will be hired to play the young Lily and Rufus. Producers are planning to introduce the new couple during a flashback scene in an upcoming episode of Gossip Girl."

Well, that actually doesn't sound like it will totally suck, as long as they make young Rufus and Lily waaaay more interesting. But I mean, an 80's version of Gossip Girl, with 80's New York and 80's fashion? Well, well Josh Schwartz, you've sparked my interest...

GIVE IT TO ME!

Posted by: Jen

So you'd think Whitney Port would take a look at Diane von Furstenberg's Pre-Fall collection (Pre-fall? Really? Like am I supposed to want this in August '09? Because if I got the collection for xmas I would wear it every day.) and suddenly know how to dress herself. But she does not, and will probably continue to not take the example of the PURE GENIUS that is Diane!

An amazing party dress? Count me in! Throw a long cardigan over that and wear it to work... At least once a week for a year to justify the cost!

I drool. I know it's simple, but simple is best: a great color and you know that fabric would fall perfectly. I would jazz it up with some gold jewelry but Kim could also wear it with a string of long pearls! We'd both look fabuloussssssss.

Oh hello! I would wear this while having some type of adventure on a slightly gray day in Paris. Chocolate croissants would be eaten and it would involve a motorcycle ride. NEED IT.

You can see the rest of it here: http://fabsugar.com/slideshow/2572932

Two Videos You Will DIE Over!!!1

Posted by: Jen

Hooolllyyy shit. It's a hedgehog, eating a carrot, and somebody filmed it, and then put it up on YouTube! I die. I die I die I die!



And if you thought it couldn't get ANY better, I give you "Hamster on a Piano, Eating Popcorn", the musical:



For realz, I DO believe in Santa because this is all I want for Christmas!

Life Altering Realization Of The Day:

Posted by: Jen

So today, for the first time in my life, I found out that Candlepin Bowling is not a nationwide sensation (or a lame gym class field trip when you were 8) but rather indigenous to New England. So imagine my surprise when asking my friend Chris (also featured below in my traumatic hair emergency post -- Kim is having G Chat issues today and isn't available) the totally normal "Big balls or little balls" question and getting this answer:

Chris: i bowled a 170 too, i haven't bowled that high in forever.

Jennifer: is it big or little balls?

Chris: huh? bowling balls

they are all the same size

Jennifer: no

candlepin ones are smaller

Chris: "candlepin"? wtf?

Jennifer: for real!

Chris: are you being foreign on me? dont do that.

bowling balls

regular balls

Jennifer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candlepin_bowling

oh ok, so I am a Canadian freak apparently.

Chris: i've never seen that ever in my life

Jennifer: oh, well that was the only kind of bowling I did until college

Chris: wow

Jennifer: and then I was like "Oooh big balls! Like on The Simpsons!"

Chris: weird do they even have that in new york?

Jennifer: this is hilarious, I thought everyone had it

Chris: yeah ive never even heard of it

Jennifer: "Candlepin bowling is a variation of bowling that is played primarily in the Canadian Maritime provinces and in the New England states of Maine, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire." says Wikipedia!

Mind blown. I am sorry that the children of the world have never gotten to participate in such a great sport. In fact, it makes me actually appreciate big ball bowling more just because Candlepin is so fucking hard. Going from Candlepin to big ball bowling (I will never call it "Stadium" or "10 Pin") is like not wearing shoes your whole life and walking on gravel and then suddenly being handed a pair of Chanel flats! You people have no idea how hard I had it with those tiny balls and wooden pins.

On Severe Regret...

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so every now and then I get the urge to chop off my hair, do so, severely regret it, swear to never do it again, grow it out happily for two years and then repeat the agonizing process for some reason. You'd think I'd learn but I DO NOT. Anyway, the latest incarnation of hair mistake is a long bob that makes me look like I am 8. My hair is way to thick and wavy to pull this off and I am seriously depressed. I am considering going back to get it fixed but I do not know how it would be fixed and it's either that or let it grow and look shitty for three months. This is the worst thing ever.

Chris: i saw your facebook status, you're not happy?

Jennifer: no I hate it

Chris: maybe you can use this as a fancy fun hat stage

Jennifer: no, it's the bottom that I don't like... my bangs are fine

Chris: the bottom ? the back?

Jennifer: like the sides and everything

it's just stupid, and I really hate it

Chris: you took a risk though and that's cool, i'm sure its not nearly as bad as you think

Jennifer: yay I am cool for a risk! I can tell people that.

"excuse my hair, I know I look like shit, but please realize I am cool for it!!!"

Chris: should i walk up stairs and look or would you rather no one looked at you right now
Jennifer: I'm hiding and I don't want to talk about it because I will cry

seriously, I'm going to like, pee in the trashcan or something, whenever I have to go

Chris: well did you at least do something fun this weekend to make up for it

Jennifer: yeah but I didn't have as much fun as I would have if I had long hair

Regarding "Twilight" again ...

Posted by: Kim

I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but I've been off my game. Anyway, here we go:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I apologize for all of the nasty things I said about your promotional covers in my previous Twilight post of epic length. You ARE Edward Cullen, and I love you.

Love, Kim

So, I saw Twilight ... um, twice, maybe (I only paid once though, I do have some boundaries) and I loved it and I love Edward Cullen and I love Robert Pattinson and I love Alice and Jasper (my favorite Twilight couple, so much cooler than Bella and Edward) and the people who played them even if they weren't utilized nearly enough, and I really wish whatever that Iron & Wine song at the end was had been made in time for my prom. Also, Bella was way less annoying in the movie than she is in the book, so that was cool, even if Kristin Stewart exudes bitchery even while she's acting, but, whatever. Yay, Twilight movie! Fan, here.

But back to the books. So after my ''it sucks but in an addictive way'' reaction to the first book, I got the rest. And they got progressively better! Hey! To the point that I totally loved the third one, Eclipse. Loved. Unabashedly. But, world, now here I am stuck about halfway through the fourth and final one, and all I can say is

WHAT.

WTF.

RENESMEE?!

It ... I really thought I had words going into this, but, as I was trying to explain to my new-Twilight-fan sister who is currently in the midst of Eclipse bliss, the fourth book IS WHACK. Currently the only character I still like is Carlisle, I am ready to go smack anyone who dares talk about the magic that is baaaaaaaaabieeeees, and I am about ready to revoke all my glowing-and-grudging praise of this epic vampire love saga if the final installment doesn't shape up and quick, because, again: WHAT THE HELL.

Also, there is no way in Hades that this one can ever be made into a movie anywhere in America that its target audience (you know, tween girls) will be allowed to see without adult accompaniment and nightmares for life.

Jen. Read these books. We need to discuss.

Jenny Humphrey's Pout Makes Me Nervous...

Posted by: Jen


Like seriously Little J! What is with your face on red carpets? We are not always doing high fashion; I'd like to see a little catalogue and see you smile and not look like you are about to bite off my face.

However, your dress is amazing and I applaud your or your stylist's fashion sense. I wonder: Jenny (Taylor, whatevs) is 15 years old. I at 15 was wearing Doc Martens, stripe-y sweaters and a jacket similar to the one favored by George Costanza -- and if Jenny is actually dressing herself, then she is a certified child genius, and I won't worry as much about her running around NYC to grown-up parties because she can obviously handle it. And do my taxes.

Interrupting my unintentional blog neglect to say ...

Posted by: Kim

Dear Gossip Girl writers:

1) Okay. I get it. You, or someone who pays you, has a giant hard-on for Vanessa. Probably the same someone with a giant hard-on for all the boring Brooklyn-based characters in this show about Upper East Siders (the only one I give a pass to is Jenny, because her storylines are interesting and despite her tendency to be obnoxious, she's probably the most realistically-portrayed character on the whole show). I could rant on that for a while, but, meh. Point? You can't make me like her. So while I accept that she's not getting written off the show any time soon, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO FORCE IT SO HARD OMFG! Ugh. So her raison d'etre is that she's Nate's One True Luv? And she finally comes down off her high, high horse and admits she was wrong ... when she is presented with material gifts! Oh, how moral and refreshingly down-to-earth. Heh. Also, blech. You JUST started developing Nate's character in the last episode, so while he may be obscenely hot and while it was 70% adorable (30% yucky) that he kissed her while she was leaking snot down her face, I don't buy the looooove. It got lost after they were cute and normally developed for 13 seconds and then abandoned immediately last season. Ew, V, go back to Vermont, you stupid judgey letter-stealy bitch.

2) Um, so, Jen just texted me V+N 4Eva! Apparently I lose.

I forget what else I was going to say.

3) Oh yeah. Lily's dress intrigued me greatly. Blair looked pretty. Blair's twin did as well. Everyone else, um, Swan Lake much? Oh, but also? Chuck's twin? With the Chuck mouth/Chuck face? Incredible. Like you could actually see that Ed Westwick was not 'acting' his amusement and was just straight up laughing at the kid. Awesome.

4) Rufus/Lily bore me as well.