You would not believe how good I am with Photoshop (no, really)

Posted by: Kim

This morning at work I looked like this:


Which, obviously, garnered the following reaction:

me: oh man. i am kind of barfy right now.

what the hell

Jennifer: like, feeling sick?

me: yeah, like i so want to vomit all over the place so this feeling will stop

i'm considering it

Jennifer: morning sickness!

Your mother will be thrilled

me: you just made me choke on water. did not aid the sickness, fyi.

but funny.ha. ha.

(Later ...)

me: i fell asleep on my hands. at my desk. for an hour.

no one said anything.

i feel better now.

Jennifer: AHHHH

AHHH

lol

do you have a cube?

me: yes. tall walls.

and i was reading something, so my back was to the opening

so i guess it looked like i was ... studying hard?

Jennifer: that's great

me: i hope i snored

Jennifer: I wish I could take a nap

me: um, like, best use of my day so far

it had me thinking

about all the naps i will take

when i finally get a corner office with a lock on the door

like i will keep pj's and a blanket in my closet

Jennifer: lol oh I know

bosses must do that all the time

like that seinfeld episode where george sleeps under his desk

and then his boss comes in to look for him and SITS AT THE DESK to wait

and george is trapped

me: lol, i have never seen it

but i want to

that would happen to me. or you. probably you. but you wouldn't get caught.

if it DID happen to me, i would get caught. and i would manage to have had my clothes fall off while i was under there

Jennifer: no but I would have a horrifying story of lying under a desk for 3 hours waiting for my boss to move.

haha

yes, that would happen to you

me: i think i am going to draw a succession of pictures in microsoft paint based upon these events.

and that shall be my next blog post.

(I was going to continue with a succession of scandalous under-the-desk paint portraits, but now that the barfy has passed, I'm hungry. And a Gossip Girl rerun is on. And a new Hills. Oh my god I'm thirteen. Sorry.)

Anne Hathaway Attempts To Go Incognito, Fails

Posted by: Jen



Oh Anne! You almost had it! I'm sorry you were foiled by those awful, awful hot pink Wayfarers.

Oh right, can that trend die? You people look a fool in them. Seriously.

They Blinded Me With (Rage) Science!

Posted by: Jen

So I read the most disturbing article in Salon today (linked here: http://www.salon.com/books/int/2008/03/31/Nim_Chimpsky/). You'd think when I would call something disturbing it would be about the war, or the market or politics, but this, my friends, was far worse. It was a about a monkey. A BABY monkey and his horrible, horrible life.

I will give you a minute to catch your breath.

Basically, in the 70's, the groovy thing to do was Chimp Experiments. At the time, many scientists thought that animals (namely chimps) did not have the capacity to learn and understand language the way people do, so a study was done to determine if this was the case. Apparently, the scientists were all, "Hey you know what I think a good idea for an experiment would be? Let’s raise a chimp with a human family and make him think he’s a people too!” So, little Nim Chimpsky was stolen from his mother and shipped off to the Upper West Side to live with a loving family. He was treated as a member of the family. He was dressed in overalls. He had toys. He was loved. He summered in the Hamptons. And then funding ran out.

Little Nim was torn from his family and shipped off to a lead very non-Upper West Side lifestyle with other chimps! The rest of the story is really heart breaking, as Nim never recovered from it, having trouble adjusting to life as a chimp and basically being depressed until he DIED.

Later when asked, the people involved in the experiment were all, "Meh. I feel guilty but..." They never did anything about it.

GAAAAHHHHHHH! Does anyone else find this just so utterly disturbing? I mean I know most people are all like, “Oh animals don’t have feelings!” but how could they be so completely careless with a cute little fuzzy monkey?! Christ.

Kim, this makes me glad that you quit your job at the horrible bio-tech. I bet all of your chimps were just as equally, if not more, fucked with. I am all for curing Cancer or whatever, but please people, this study had no real value other than determining what chimps were or were not capable of. My cat is capable of breathing but you don’t see me holding her under water to prove it.

And now, a co-worker and myself react:

Jennifer: this is really sadddd
http://www.salon.com/books/int/2008/03/31/Nim_Chimpsky/

Charles: “Nim kept his one copy of this book safe, even though chimps tend to wreck everything. He would bring it down and show the other chimps, then bring it back to his bunk and keep it under his sleeping area so that no one could destroy it. He would just look at pictures of his New York City family, and himself, over and over again.” :'(

Jennifer: I KNOW
that was almost too much for me to handle
it's so mean that they screwed with the monkey like that
I would let Nim live with me and we would wear matching jammies and live happily ever after

Charles: i know, me too
i love the monkey

Jennifer: too bad he died

Charles: i knowes!

Charles: oh god. i wish i had a little monkey and i would teach him stuff, but if he didn't want to learn and he just wanted to play all day that'd be fine too

Jennifer: I know they thought animals didn't have feelings or whatever
but HOW could they be so careless!?
he was sad forever
and then he DIED

Charles: i know!
alfsdja;lksfdij
it's the saddest story ever told

Jennifer: Once upon a time there was a baby monkey who was very lucky and got to live on the UWS of Manhattan with a mommy and daddy who really loved him. He was happy there. And then one day funding ran out and he was sent away, never to see his mommy and daddy again, with only a picture book of memories. He was sad. And then, 30 years later, still sad, HE DIED.

Charles: .lkhdsftqhfsd'[oihFAEr
GF
SDFASDFLASDF

Jennifer: I KNOW

Charles: THERE IS NO WAY THAT DOESN'T GET SADDER THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT

Jennifer: I know, I seriously need a drink.

Audrey Hep-blair

Posted by: Kim

Blair! Is wet!

Earlier I looked at a shocking (like omgwtf SHOCKING, people) photo from the set of Gossip Girl and in my shock could not help but show it to Jen, who yelled at me that it is a spoiler and I am bad.

So, this is probably one too. But pfft. She's so pretty. Even when distraught. And wet. And near trash cans.

I covet her shoes.

Ashlee Attempts To Match Her Shoes To Her Skin

Posted by: Jen



I understand that she is doing the "pop of color" thing (though arguably, the completely wrong color/shoe to "pop" with). I understand that she uses self-tanner or bronzer or eats too many carrots. What I do not understand is why she felt the need to go all matchy-matchy on us.

Weekend!

Posted by: Kim

My parents are coming to Boston today to take my poor college student brother (who, obviously, has more money than I do) grocery shopping, and I was instructed not to sleep in or chance missing brunch.

When 10:30 rolled around without any word, I called my mom, who informed me that they were still an hour away, and then stated, : "Also, you interrupted me. I was TEXTING. I was typing my last letter and you called. WHAT is going to happen to my text?!"

I love parents and technology. Also, I'm going back to bed now.

Things I will be doing (later) today (and you should too!):

1.) So I can learn more fun facts to annoy Jen with: Sustainable Living Convention

2.) Okay, probably not really, but had I known earlier, OH I WOULD HAVE: AUDRINA! And some jeans

Yay Saturday.

Dear Internet, Stop Spreading Lies About Our Boyfriend! Hugs, Kim and Jen

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Kim: http://tv.msn.com/tv/hotgossip/3-27-08?GT1=BUZZ3 we can have him now or else he's gay

Jennifer: wait a sec
JC AND NATE
NO

Kim: yeah. i am thoroughly confused
have i been missing something?

Jennifer: no this is just a stupid stupid rumor with a whole page on MSN devoted to it

Sent at 4:20 PM on Friday
Kim: hee! google them. it's incredible!
this is rampant!
chace is also being accused of being gay with chuck, whose real name is ED, btw (ED?! CHUCK!) bc they are roommates.
people really want him gay

Jennifer: is Chasez French or Spanish

Kim: i would thing spanish
*think

Jennifer: all I can think of is like, chez
for like a restaurant
chez petit bistro
something something
ooo aaaayy la bibliotec
jesus
why do they want him to be gay so bad
is it because if they can't have him no (woman) one can?
know what
Chace if you are gay, please let me try my hardest to set you straight
I know that's kind of insulting but it would be fun to try!

Kim: haha, i don't think it would be hard, considering I THINK HE'S STRAIGHT
like, i dont get the hollywood obsession with gaying people
and then the people go on record and are all, no, im straight
and hollywood is like, LIES LIES THEY ARE LYING
but like, famous people arent closeted.

Jennifer: they wanted to make ellen page gay

Kim: gay is SO MUCH COOLER than straight right now

Jennifer: and she is so cute, like who really cares

Kim: the gays totes own up

Jennifer: Kevin Spacey is totes gay
and he never says he is

Kim: i remember when they gayed michael scofield
some people i know wont let it go
wait, kevin spacey likes sex?
like for not just ... art?

Jennifer: I get mad when there is a pic of Michael Schofield and a slightly chubby girl (you know, a 4 in Hollywood) and they are like GAAAYYY because obv that wouldn't be his girlfriend
like one cannot possibly have thighs and a boyfriend
I bet Kevin likes really freaky shit
only with a man, not a woman

Kim: lol
i feel like when celebrities are gay and don't want to say so, they just don't say anything
so i get mad when people go on record to deny, and everyone is like, 'well, they ARE'

Jennifer: I don't even see what the big deal is

Kim: cause ... what?

Jennifer: like, really
does it change anything

Kim: I KNOW

Jennifer: the only time I really care is when it is some right wing congressman tapping his foot in an airport bathroom stall for sex
because that's just awesome

Kim: well, except for freaky girls who would prefer pretty boys be gay bc 1)they fantasize about boy on boy, or 2)they know THEY cant have them

Jennifer: I don't fantasize about boy on boy, per se
but I wanted to be in the middle of Brokeback Mountain
I feel like that is also disrespectful
lol

Kim: but that's what everyone wants, sort of
like all the people trying to gay nate
they don't want him to embrace his gay for the good of gay or himself

Jennifer: I don't want a JC/Chace sandwich thanks
upgrade to Justin and we will talk

Kim: they want to insert themselves into nate/chuck sandwiches
isn't JC like 40 anyway
?
wtf

Jennifer: probably
they've been filming GG all over lately

Kim: oh man. back to right-wing congressmen. HA!

Jennifer: I really feel like I should try to find the set

Kim: yes, i suggest skipping work
and stalking
they film uptown. just...stroll around
sit on the MET steps eating yogurt all day!

Jennifer: omg it's so funny, you get these men being like "OH NOES TEH GAYZ! I LOOVVEE JESUS!"
and then suddenly they're in JFK tapping away
I hate yogurt
I am bringing something better
I know it's weird to hate something like yogurt, and I guess I don't hate it hate it
but I mean, I just ate it for so many years because it was healthy and I realized I never really enjoyed it so I gave up

Kim: you know what? it's only even healthy if it's like stonyfield farms. (which is actually really good)
otherwise it has lots of preservatives and high fructose corn syrup and is basically diet ice cream
like how granola isn't good for you

Jennifer: and excuse me, I would rather just eat diet ice cream

Kim: and like a granola bar is practically a three musketeers
lol

Jennifer: but those are the healthiest of candy bars

Kim: well, exactly

Jennifer: so, it's not THAT bad

Kim: lol
i would rather the candy bar

Jennifer: I can justify anything

MaryKate Somehow Manages To Make Her Boobs Look Like An 80 Year Old Woman's

Posted by: Jen



Don't worry it was a good effort MK, and I like your shoes!

And in the amazing Snow White coat and everything!

Posted by: Kim

Jen, I really think we need to talk about this.



Little J is Single White Female-ing ... with yogurt as her weapon of choice?

Um, awesome.

Sick Day!

Posted by: Jen

Today I am home sick with the plague. Well, not really the plague, but something I probably picked up on the bus. It started with a headache on Monday and ended with me waking up this morning in a puddle of sweat sounding like Patty and Selma.

I hate calling in sick. Not because I am dedicated to my job or even really care, but rather because we don't have sick time or vacation time, just "time off". Use it how you want. I'd rather sniffle at my desk than cut a day out of my vacation.

But, the idea of standing up in the shower and washing my hair just seemed too hard so I sent a text to my boss and went back to sleep.

I woke up two hours later feeling worse, so I guess it was a good call to stay home. I began to psych myself up for the trip outside to pick up the essentials: medicine, coffee, and juice. I live on the fifth floor of a five floor walk-up and in the ghetto where Duane Reade and Starbucks do not venture, so it seemed particularly awful and complicated.

Finally after putting on a hoodie, taking a break, putting on pants, taking a break, and putting on Converse, I said goodbye to Gracie the Wonder Cat and went outside.

First stop was the ghetto pharmacy two doors down that has been around for a while but is never open for some reason. I always assumed it was like a cover for drug dealing or funding terrorism, but it is actually a drug store. And it was open! And all of the medicine is behind the counter so you have to ask! Good thing I wasn't asking for anything embarrassing!

I needed Sudafed or something like it, but they regulate that shit hardcore in NY because you can make Meth out of it. Like, they make you fill out a form with your name and address and subject you to a lie detector test* and a full body cavity search**. Also, I hadn't brushed my hair so obviously I looked like a total junkie, and I worried that the person selling it to me would think I have a mini-Meth lab going on in my apartment.

I stood there patiently for a few minutes, trying not to sit down from exhaustion waiting to ask for my delicious delicious medication while the customer in front of me tried to finagle more pills than were in his prescription from a very unsympathetic pharmacist. Finally, another nice man behind the counter asked me what I needed and I made my request, bracing myself, waiting for him to give me the look that said "That is the face of Meth!"

Instead he looked confused because he couldn't find it.

Jen: "It's usually in the purple box..."
Man: Hands Jen a box that is purple

Turns out, the random purple box was cold medicine so who am I to complain? I bought it. And when I pulled out my wallet the guy harassing the other pharmacist for pills totally eyed it. I figured that if he tried to rob me I would just lick him and contaminate him and that would be confusing and SO SCARY (germs can be scary) and I could flee in the chaos. Luckily it didn't come to that.

True story: whenever I am sick I like to threaten people who are mean to me with that I will lick them, so consider yourselves warned. Luckily I am in a good mood now because whatever this cold medicine is, it is AWESOME and probably a lot better than Meth.


*I am lying
** I am lying again

Welcome to our brain

posted by: Kim

This blog was born this afternoon in a moment of bored narcissism. I (Kim, the pink poster) had nothing to do, decided I think I am far too interesting and entertaining not to be a world-famous blogger, and then dragged Jen, my favorite friend ofalmost8yearswearesoold into it. And by forced, I mean I said: "Jen, I think we should start a blog," and Jen said, "Okay."

For a while it seemed we would not have a first blog post, and then the executive decision was made that a gchat was the way to go. Enjoy!:

Jennifer: morning!

Sent at 9:51 AM on Wednesday

Kim: hi sorry. phones crazy. sleepy. ankle hurts. L found a watermelon pink dress at the Gap outlet for $30, must look. want to move back to ny now. right now. blah. they're making someone gay on gossip girl!

Jennifer: PLEASE NOT NATE

Kim: hahahaha

Jennifer: chuck, of course. but chuck can't be gay because he loves blair

Kim: im guessing eric. maybe chuck

Jennifer: yeah, but he and jenny had a thing. kind of

Kim: they should be really controversial and make it a GIRL

Jennifer: I KNOW. it will prob be one of blair's interchangeable friends. you know the two that wear matching outfits

Kim: L and i sort of cried for chuck last episode. his little heart!

Jennifer: yeah, he has feelings

Kim: lol. who knew?

Jennifer: that is why I like all of the characters. none of them suck completely and they all suck a little. which I think is cool

... ... ...

Jennifer: you can watch the hills online. I do. I need to watch it, I forgot. you know, Lauren has not been looking that awesome lately. I don't like anything she wears in pictures anymore

Kim: I KNOW

Jennifer: and her "fashion line" is awful. like, ok you made a dress out of jersey. hooray

Audrina has been stealing the show, I think. as far as clothes. though she always looks a little trashy.

Kim: what happened to laurens pretty cocktail dresses? now she wears leggings and a tent and a kabbalah bracelet every day. my fashion icon is failing!

Jennifer: I know. maybe she's had a stylist all these years. and she got rid of her

Kim: bad move

Jennifer: she's been in LA too long. though it's warm there now. and I am jealous

Kim: yeah, LA is kind of gross. but warm.

Jennifer: it's actually pretty nice here today. not cold, nice breeze instead of horrible wind

march is by far the grossest month

Kim: ugh i know. almost over!

Jennifer: the wind last week was insane. I went running and it was in my face and I was like, oh well when I turn around it will be at my back. I turned around and it was WORSE. how is that possible. oh yay it's 56 here right now

Sent at 10:32 AM on Wednesday

Kim: really?! wah, it's 45 here.

Jennifer: I thought I was getting sick yesterday but I feel a lot better. last night I felt awful, I could barely run and I came home and got into bed and like didn't move the rest of the night

Kim: eep. dont get meningitis.

Jennifer: is that going around?

Kim: i dont think so. i just always think i will get it lately.

... ... ...

Jennifer: http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/funny-pictures-black-cat-invisible-text-message-breakup.jpg

Sent at 10:48 AM on Wednesday

Kim: haaaa

Jennifer: yeah I just spent like 15 mins looking at that site. what are you wearing?

Kim: khaki pinstriped pants with a navy blue sweater over a white collared shirt and dark green flats with gold stuff on the toe and a tortoise shell headband.

you?

Jennifer: wow! that sounds great. where did you get those shoes

Kim: ann taylor, 9.99!

Jennifer: I have on this awesome shirt I got at express -- abstract zebra stripes with abstract deep green/blue water colory splotchy flowers, a black flowy cardigan thing, dark skinny jeans and gold ballet flats

Kim: you are so much trendier than i am. i can do none of that stuff!

Jennifer: I can't wear your prep-tastic outfit. I would look like a fool but I am interested in the shoes

*** *** ***

Sent at 12:28 PM on Wednesday

Kim: jen. i think we should start a blog.

Jennifer: lol ok. hopefully I don't get fired. actually chris has a blog. so I think it's ok

Kim: well, i was thinking about how the Fug Girls are famous. and how much better we are

Jennifer: yeah we'd do a better job. what could we write about. I could write about how I would like a girl scout cookie

Kim: im not sure. obviously we can't steal their premise (I guess). but i just feel the world would benefit from our snark. maybe we should copy and paste our gchats. we can post daily critiques of each others' outfits. and talk about our respective cities until we live in the same one. and take pictures of pretty and ugly things. and recap gossip girl. and talk about girl scout cookies, yes

and it should be like, whyarentyouasawesomeasus.com

Jennifer: we could also make fun of people's outfits. because that is always fun

*** *** ***

Jennifer: I have writer's block

Kim: huh?

Jennifer: I have no idea what to write about

Kim: ALREADY?

Jennifer: yeah

Kim: you have stage fright.

Jennifer: like all of the possibilities make it impossible to choose

Kim: it's like peeing in parking lots. while your friends are in the car. can't do it, no matter how desperate you were to go. i know. the first post feels climactic.

Jennifer: are you writing one?

Kim: in truth, probably no one will read it. bc we won't get famous til probably the 9th or so.

are you kidding? i can't handle that pressure right now! i need a massage. i like the gchat idea.

we just need to find ourselves, and have our usual amazing gchat.

Jennifer: yeah. ummm. so...hehe. I totally want to take a nap. or make tea. I am making tea.

think of something good for us to talk about. kthnxbye

Kim: i'm thinking. maybe we should utilize our awesomekimandjen google calendar, for scheduled bloggings. such as, we will both FINALLY watch the hills premiere this week, and then react. and then react to one another's reactions. of course, random drive-by bloggings are also acceptable, say, for those times jamie lynn spears gets knocked up or bilson wears something awesome as usual. i am so kidding with the calendar. though i am three seconds away from posting this. i mean, after i leave work. i am not blogging from work. ever. i will get fired and die.

oh, you're making tea. missed that.

Kim: we should blog about the hills. and lauren's missing cocktail dresses. missing style, all together

Jennifer: yeah and she went to paris. you'd think she'd learn

Kim: she was too busy making out with a questionably 'attractive' musician. i doubt her lately. all around. WHAT.

Jennifer: Oh I saw his picture. he's not cute. oh lauren. I bet she's a horrible person

Kim: jen! it's lauren! our girlfriend! I mean besides blair. and rachel bilson. and the girl who plays blair. maybe we are over blondes? no, you like sienna miller.

Jennifer: yeah but she's not really a blonde, like she has blonde hair but I think it came out that way she's not like, dying it

Kim: ...what?

Jennifer: there are two kinds of blondes. the kind born with it and the kind that want to be it

haha. lauren's hair isn't really that color, look at her eyebrows

Kim: some blonde people have darker eyebrows! but. she has roots too. and BRIANA. (breana? breanna? brianna?)

Jennifer: who is that again

Kim: her fug little sister

Jennifer: oh yikes. need to google

Kim: from Laguna, the Trashy Years

Jennifer: ooooohh totes unfort

http://img.timeinc.net/teenpeople/images/2006/gallery/080406_lc_breanna300.jpg

Kim: i know, right? it's like gisele's twin or whatever.

Jennifer: I think her sis is pretty though?

Kim: oh, that one is particularly bad, hahaha. i don't remember. but i wouldnt want to be gisele's sister. though the proximity to Tom would be pleasant. oh, speaking of not Victoria's Secret, last night I sprayed something on myself at Gap Body and then wanted to make out with me all night. but i didn't pay attention to what it was. the bottle had some green on it. i endorse.

Jennifer: hm remember grass?I liked that

Kim: oh, i liked day.the citrusy one.

Jennifer: this is the only pic I can find of gisele and her sis http://www.hairbrasil.com/noticias/imagens/camp2005_nivea01.jpg

Kim: oh. okay. she's not giselle. she's also not breanna conrad.

Jennifer: yeah, I would be sad if I looked like breanna. chinnnn. we shouldn't be mean like that

Kim: yes we should. new money brat.

Jennifer: if we write about girls on our blog we can mock them for fashion choices but not things out of their control

Kim: i mean, you're right.

Jennifer: like her ginormous chin

Kim: i'm just cranky because i'm having a fat day. and she could pay to never get fat. but my chin OWNS hers.

Jennifer: no, her chin has yours by 3 inches from lower lip to end

Kim: hahahaha. yeah. i was trying to use trendy terminology as I will be cutting and pasting from this chat to construct our first blog later, and, um, i sort of failed. i meant my chin is so much way better than Brie's.

Jennifer: oh I get it. I thought you meant yours was bigger. because it is not

Kim: her chin could take mine. it could probably take your entire...self. no, my chin is normal.

my teeth are big though. i guess my whole face is kinda big. except my nose. oh, god. that's a pretty visual.

Jennifer: yeah I also have the giant teeth. I also have like a fivehead

Kim: a whathead?

Jennifer: get it. hehe. more than a forehead

Kim: OMG

Jennifer: four

Kim: yes

Jennifer: five

Kim: got it

Jennifer: yeah

Kim: two seconds too late to be smart. hahahahahahaha. GOOD ONE

Jennifer: I remember when I was like 9, my mom would pouf my bangs up because she said I needed height on my hair to even out my forehead. I've been SCARRED ever since

Kim: oh god. it is amazing you survived your adolescence, sometimes.

Jennifer: yeah, I'd like to think it made me a really good person. but I am not that good, I just have interesting stories

Kim: you might be better than me.. once i was bitching about a school picture bc it looked like i had a double chin in it and my mom said, "well, sorry, that's just you. it's what you look like."

Jennifer: jsalkdakdsljksdakjlasd

Kim: i developed an eating disorder for the rest of that day

Jennifer: that is mean!

Kim: but im still not really that sympathetic toward fat people. so, im going to hell. still. despite a toughening youth of sorts.