Life Altering Realization Of The Day:

Posted by: Jen

So today, for the first time in my life, I found out that Candlepin Bowling is not a nationwide sensation (or a lame gym class field trip when you were 8) but rather indigenous to New England. So imagine my surprise when asking my friend Chris (also featured below in my traumatic hair emergency post -- Kim is having G Chat issues today and isn't available) the totally normal "Big balls or little balls" question and getting this answer:

Chris: i bowled a 170 too, i haven't bowled that high in forever.

Jennifer: is it big or little balls?

Chris: huh? bowling balls

they are all the same size

Jennifer: no

candlepin ones are smaller

Chris: "candlepin"? wtf?

Jennifer: for real!

Chris: are you being foreign on me? dont do that.

bowling balls

regular balls

Jennifer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candlepin_bowling

oh ok, so I am a Canadian freak apparently.

Chris: i've never seen that ever in my life

Jennifer: oh, well that was the only kind of bowling I did until college

Chris: wow

Jennifer: and then I was like "Oooh big balls! Like on The Simpsons!"

Chris: weird do they even have that in new york?

Jennifer: this is hilarious, I thought everyone had it

Chris: yeah ive never even heard of it

Jennifer: "Candlepin bowling is a variation of bowling that is played primarily in the Canadian Maritime provinces and in the New England states of Maine, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire." says Wikipedia!

Mind blown. I am sorry that the children of the world have never gotten to participate in such a great sport. In fact, it makes me actually appreciate big ball bowling more just because Candlepin is so fucking hard. Going from Candlepin to big ball bowling (I will never call it "Stadium" or "10 Pin") is like not wearing shoes your whole life and walking on gravel and then suddenly being handed a pair of Chanel flats! You people have no idea how hard I had it with those tiny balls and wooden pins.

On Severe Regret...

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so every now and then I get the urge to chop off my hair, do so, severely regret it, swear to never do it again, grow it out happily for two years and then repeat the agonizing process for some reason. You'd think I'd learn but I DO NOT. Anyway, the latest incarnation of hair mistake is a long bob that makes me look like I am 8. My hair is way to thick and wavy to pull this off and I am seriously depressed. I am considering going back to get it fixed but I do not know how it would be fixed and it's either that or let it grow and look shitty for three months. This is the worst thing ever.

Chris: i saw your facebook status, you're not happy?

Jennifer: no I hate it

Chris: maybe you can use this as a fancy fun hat stage

Jennifer: no, it's the bottom that I don't like... my bangs are fine

Chris: the bottom ? the back?

Jennifer: like the sides and everything

it's just stupid, and I really hate it

Chris: you took a risk though and that's cool, i'm sure its not nearly as bad as you think

Jennifer: yay I am cool for a risk! I can tell people that.

"excuse my hair, I know I look like shit, but please realize I am cool for it!!!"

Chris: should i walk up stairs and look or would you rather no one looked at you right now
Jennifer: I'm hiding and I don't want to talk about it because I will cry

seriously, I'm going to like, pee in the trashcan or something, whenever I have to go

Chris: well did you at least do something fun this weekend to make up for it

Jennifer: yeah but I didn't have as much fun as I would have if I had long hair

Regarding "Twilight" again ...

Posted by: Kim

I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but I've been off my game. Anyway, here we go:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I apologize for all of the nasty things I said about your promotional covers in my previous Twilight post of epic length. You ARE Edward Cullen, and I love you.

Love, Kim

So, I saw Twilight ... um, twice, maybe (I only paid once though, I do have some boundaries) and I loved it and I love Edward Cullen and I love Robert Pattinson and I love Alice and Jasper (my favorite Twilight couple, so much cooler than Bella and Edward) and the people who played them even if they weren't utilized nearly enough, and I really wish whatever that Iron & Wine song at the end was had been made in time for my prom. Also, Bella was way less annoying in the movie than she is in the book, so that was cool, even if Kristin Stewart exudes bitchery even while she's acting, but, whatever. Yay, Twilight movie! Fan, here.

But back to the books. So after my ''it sucks but in an addictive way'' reaction to the first book, I got the rest. And they got progressively better! Hey! To the point that I totally loved the third one, Eclipse. Loved. Unabashedly. But, world, now here I am stuck about halfway through the fourth and final one, and all I can say is

WHAT.

WTF.

RENESMEE?!

It ... I really thought I had words going into this, but, as I was trying to explain to my new-Twilight-fan sister who is currently in the midst of Eclipse bliss, the fourth book IS WHACK. Currently the only character I still like is Carlisle, I am ready to go smack anyone who dares talk about the magic that is baaaaaaaaabieeeees, and I am about ready to revoke all my glowing-and-grudging praise of this epic vampire love saga if the final installment doesn't shape up and quick, because, again: WHAT THE HELL.

Also, there is no way in Hades that this one can ever be made into a movie anywhere in America that its target audience (you know, tween girls) will be allowed to see without adult accompaniment and nightmares for life.

Jen. Read these books. We need to discuss.

Jenny Humphrey's Pout Makes Me Nervous...

Posted by: Jen


Like seriously Little J! What is with your face on red carpets? We are not always doing high fashion; I'd like to see a little catalogue and see you smile and not look like you are about to bite off my face.

However, your dress is amazing and I applaud your or your stylist's fashion sense. I wonder: Jenny (Taylor, whatevs) is 15 years old. I at 15 was wearing Doc Martens, stripe-y sweaters and a jacket similar to the one favored by George Costanza -- and if Jenny is actually dressing herself, then she is a certified child genius, and I won't worry as much about her running around NYC to grown-up parties because she can obviously handle it. And do my taxes.

Interrupting my unintentional blog neglect to say ...

Posted by: Kim

Dear Gossip Girl writers:

1) Okay. I get it. You, or someone who pays you, has a giant hard-on for Vanessa. Probably the same someone with a giant hard-on for all the boring Brooklyn-based characters in this show about Upper East Siders (the only one I give a pass to is Jenny, because her storylines are interesting and despite her tendency to be obnoxious, she's probably the most realistically-portrayed character on the whole show). I could rant on that for a while, but, meh. Point? You can't make me like her. So while I accept that she's not getting written off the show any time soon, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO FORCE IT SO HARD OMFG! Ugh. So her raison d'etre is that she's Nate's One True Luv? And she finally comes down off her high, high horse and admits she was wrong ... when she is presented with material gifts! Oh, how moral and refreshingly down-to-earth. Heh. Also, blech. You JUST started developing Nate's character in the last episode, so while he may be obscenely hot and while it was 70% adorable (30% yucky) that he kissed her while she was leaking snot down her face, I don't buy the looooove. It got lost after they were cute and normally developed for 13 seconds and then abandoned immediately last season. Ew, V, go back to Vermont, you stupid judgey letter-stealy bitch.

2) Um, so, Jen just texted me V+N 4Eva! Apparently I lose.

I forget what else I was going to say.

3) Oh yeah. Lily's dress intrigued me greatly. Blair looked pretty. Blair's twin did as well. Everyone else, um, Swan Lake much? Oh, but also? Chuck's twin? With the Chuck mouth/Chuck face? Incredible. Like you could actually see that Ed Westwick was not 'acting' his amusement and was just straight up laughing at the kid. Awesome.

4) Rufus/Lily bore me as well.

OMG This Dog Will Haunt My Dreams!

Posted by: Jen

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I don't normally remember my dreams, or even have nightmares, and I am so glad because I know that this thing is what would be chasing me! HIS EYES ARE BURNING INTO MY SOUL!

Actually I don't even know if he HAS eyes; they just look like evil evil soul sucking cavities of evil. Who would have thought that such a creature with remarkable Heidi-like hair could be so scary?

You know how people are always like "If I were an animal what would I be?" (ok, maybe not "always like", but you know). Well I guess we now have the answer for Heidi. I'd probably be a spider monkey or an otter, just to let you know. Now please feel free to go back to being TERRIFIED.

On Baby Names, And Mistaking A Biblical Character For A Type Of Exercise

Posted by: Kim and Jen


Jennifer: Ashlee Simpson named her baby...
BRONX
for real
Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Kim: Mowgli like in The Jungle Book?!
BRONX. hee. heeeeee.
Jennifer: Oh my god, that is not even remotely ok like Brooklyn
Also, I do not believe Victoria Beckham was ever in Brooklyn to conceive
Kim: no. it's like Paris. except not as cool. and Paris was a name like when Shakespeare was writing shit.
Jennifer: yeah, so that's relatively ok, except I feel like P. Hilton has ruined the name for everyone
kind of like how you don't really see any Adolfs around anymore
Kim: hahaha, that was awesome
or like Pilates
whoa, that looks like pilates
how do you spell Pilate
Jennifer: like the Jesus killer kind?
umm
Kim: yes, lol
Jennifer: Pilate, I Googled it
and I wrote "pontius pilate" in my search because I only know it from that thing that people recite at church before communion
Kim: haha
good little ex-catholic