You Don't Know Us But...

I think we are on hiatus.

2010-01-26T17:11:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Kim

However, I am way too narcissistic for that, and I also had a request from my favorite blogger besides Bryanboy, Katie Ett, to share the Epic Fail Kim (not me, another one) story.

So I started a blog, where I'll even probably post pictures of my hair. I like my hair.

It's here.

(P.S. I will still talk about shoes, but I will also type in black. I will also beg Jen to guest blog.)

Things I'm NOT OKAY With This Month:

2009-08-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Absolutely not.

You can read about this fuckery here.

I mean, if you've read this blog ever you know I succumbed to the Twilight phenomenon to an extent, but, Line. Drawn. No no no way. As I declared all over Facebook the other day, the only thing that calmed me after I was made aware of this ridiculousness was the mental image of Crazy!Fans in 'I Heart Boys Who Sparkle' tee-shirts and golden contacts storming the shelves at Barnes & Noble only to discover that the GREATEST BOOK OF ALL TIME is written in Old English and nothing like what they were expecting. So, basically, reveling in the disappointment of children. But hey. WUTHERING HEIGHTS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK EVER. Do not attach Bella's name to it. God.

Also, this:

Well I suppose this is a spoiler, and I'm going to rant about it for a minute immediately following this link, so I'd stop reading now if you really wanted to be (unpleasantly!) surprised in the theatre with your gummi bears and tissues while watching 'The Time Traveler's Wife'.

FAIL.

That's all.

Well, actually. To be succint, as Jen put it: I want to leave the theatre with no reason to live! I don't want to be uplifted! God.

Agree.

World, what is wrong with you this month?

I don't understand sports, men or society -- not to mention the English language -- so help me answer this question:

2009-07-09T12:08:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Jen

When applied to a man, the word "bitch" means:

Chocolate Is REALLY Good, Okay!?

2009-07-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Jen

Chris: hear about that dude that died by falling in a vat of chocolate?

very willy wonka like!

Jennifer: no, I saw your Twitter though and wasn't sure what it was about...

Chris: yeah, was in a cab and i saw that and i wanted to look up more about it today

Jennifer: you know, that would really ruin chocolate for me -- if I drowned in a giant vat of it.

Chris: how about if you saw someone drown in it? Like everytime you take a bite you might be eating the guy you saw?

Jennifer: I'd still be ok with it as long as I knew I wasn't eating the death chocolate.

Chris: hmmmm inteeresting...

Jennifer: well alright, I got really sick off of indian food and that didn't stop me from loving curry, so I'd imagine if I witnessed a chocolate drowning I'd be ok.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1198530/Death-chocolate-Factory-worker-meets-sweet-end-falling-vat-cocoa.html

On Surviving An Emergency

2009-07-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: When I worked at that summer camp one summer during college, the head of the camp had like this THING about thunderstorms. Like, the minute there was a cloud in the sky she'd FREAK out and be like, "THUNDERSTORM! QUICK! EVERYONE INSIDE!" She was so freaky about it the little kids picked up on it and even the ones who weren't scared of storms became really frightened! It was bizarre.
Kim: i am mildly confused. so, they are telling us not to stand in a baseball field or next to a tree
Jennifer: oh that was my point.
Kim: so ... like if we must be outside, what IS preferred? in the bushes?
Jennifer: Obviously we learned thunderstorm safety at camp and you are NOT SUPPOSED to go under a tree! If anything, like if you have a choice between a tree and a field, you are supposed to lie face down in the field.
Kim: NUH UH! i did not learn that, i just learned to get in the car because of the tires.
Jennifer: because it drastically reduces your chances of being hit!
Kim: hahahahahaha
Jennifer: and also, if you do get struck it hits you in the back, protecting your vital organs AND since your body is spread out it kind of spreads out the impact
Kim: lol, if you have the choice between tree or baseball field... amazing.
Jennifer: yeah, I learned that from Sandy, head camp mistress extraordinaire.
Kim: that is all excellent advice.
Jennifer: no, she was insane.
Kim: i would have a real problem with lying face down in a baseball field whilst lighting flashed all around me though, not gonna lie.
Jennifer: lol exactly, I'd take my chances and run!
Kim: that's kind of like how they are like, if you fall onto the subway tracks, do not move. Just calmly wait away from the electric rail as the train passes.
Jennifer: Umm if I fell in the track I would climb out immediately if the train wasn't coming...
Kim: i know! And if the train was coming, i would immediately die. Of terror. So.
Jennifer: well then you'd die anyway of train so it wouldn't matter.
Kim: well i suppose you could hang out in the little gravel pit alongside it and hope for no sparks or shrapnel or off-tracking.
Jennifer: I would lie down in the middle I think.
Kim: WHAT!
Jennifer: because it would probably go over you; that's how people have lived before!
Kim: IT WOULD NOT. i think i would fare best in emergency situations on boats or airplanes, because on the plane when they are like, 'please secure your own oxygen mask before helping any elders or infants' i am like, duh. And on a boat, well, i don't know... i am a fast swimmer but whine in cold water so i might be screwed.
Oh, if i were in a car and it fell in water, omg. i mean, i know you are supposed to calmly stay put and let the car fill up with water so that you may easily open the door once equilibrium is attained. But LIKE HELL.
That reminds me I need to start keeping a baseball bat on me at all times.
Jennifer: you could also kick out the windshield pretty easily pre-sinkage, Oprah said so.
Kim: maybe you could? of course, i would be trapped by my seat belt with two broken ankles or whatever.
Jennifer: good thing you don't need ankles to swim!
Kim: this does not mean i condone not wearing seat belts. Also how much would it suck if you fell in the water, and then waited for the car to fill, all while sinking, and then got out and a shark ate you?
That would also happen to me.
Jennifer: ok well, we don't live near sharks, so it's fine. I would worry more about letting the car fill and then not being able to get out.
Kim: i live near so many sharks.
Jennifer: there are no sharks in MA! Are there?
Kim: of course! i mean, they PREFER a warmer climate, but they are here... Did you not see JAWS?
Jennifer: My point was Jaws too actually; I was going to go, "Jaws was fake!"
Kim: there was a great white swimming around in shallow water for weeks on the cape within the past few summers, and the lifeguards do drills. Rarely, but they do them. Those were like, petrifying as a child.

On missing pink. And pretty dresses.

2009-06-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Once upon a time in the fall of 2005, I decided I wanted to dye my hair brunette. Jen was fully on board with this idea and offered to help. To no fault of her (although it is arguable that both of us could have been a little more hasty when considering the possible outcomes of applying very dark brown Duane Reade hair dye to blonde hair), 30 minutes or so later, the water in our shower was running purple.

Thus began my Goth Period, if only in hair. Once in a Starbucks the barista asked if my eyes were fake, so drastic was black hair to my overall appearance. I was pretty much a vampire, before they all had gold eyes instead of just really light eyes.

Anyway, 12 months and numerous visits to a stylist later and I finally had normal colored hair again without massive damage, and now am an adamant salon-goer. And I have achieved several different shades of brunette hair over the past few years, and liked it. However, it doesn't hold well and upkeep is expensive and I am saving all my money to quit life and travel the world, and so finally a few weeks ago I decided to go back.

I have sort of been regretting it ever since, because, despite the fact that blonde is in no way a first-time thing for me, I suddenly find myself convinced that I can wear no colors other than shades of blue, and can confirm in no uncertain terms that my hot pink headband with the palm trees on it seriously loses impact against blonde hair.

So every pretty dress I have encountered over the past week, of course, has been pink.

Up first, Marion Cotillard:

This is just So. Cute. Come on. It is. And it's a spinner, and I want it, and I would probably wear it three times a week including to work and Trader Joes. And I would spin. Alas, convinced it would wash me out right now.

And then we have Blake Lively:

Before someone inevitably and immediately jumps up to inform me that Blake is blonde and I am dumb/shallow/a huge bitch/recession unsympathetic/etc., I know that (she is blonde, not the other stuff). But pretty much if you googled the opposite of what I look like, all thousand feet tall of Blake Lively would probably pop up (except we both have kind of ... abundant ... hair), and so she can do magical mystical pink things I cannot. Also I don't have a spray tan. Anyway. Look how great this is! It is the pinkest thing I have ever seen! And I really like her shoes, and I would also wear this everywhere and glow in the dark and love every second of it. If it would not look absolutely ridiculous on me. Which it would. Sigh.

Btw, pink is not my favorite color. It probably really comes across that way, but I swear I type in pink and Jen in blue because in college when my mother would send us Easter baskets she always themed mine pink and Jen's blue and we found that sort of hilarious.

Why Can't People Just Be Normal?

2009-06-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Jen

Jennifer: what is Dickchicken (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776?ref=pymk#/pages/Dickchicken/108960304776)?
omg, I hate them
"it's a litmus test"
lol
a litmus test for being a tool?

Chris: they graffiti all over Williamsburg
you always see it and it's irritating
cause they obviously think they are being clever

Jennifer: but Chris, if you were cool and clever you would like it!!!
genitals + farm animals = hip and edgy

Chris: yah according to them , it's all about having a sense of humor

Jennifer: If I could roll my eyes harder I would cause permanent damage.

On The Great Outdoors...

2009-06-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: I think I am going to buy one of those traveling backpacks!
Kim: nuh-uh! really?
Jennifer: yeah, like a big one… not ginormous, but I think they are often easier to handle.
I also read that airports and train stations in Europe tend to have a lot of stairs and not escalators.
Kim: hmmm. Ok, find us backpacks and I will buy one too. We will be so cute!
Jennifer: I know! Ha, plus if we're walking to our hotel it will be easier with a backpack than a suitcase!
Kim: yeah that is true. This will be my first experience traveling in Europe where I’m not coming from London so I could just pack in a like duffel bag, or on family vacation so there was a car. So where do we buy backpacks from? These will be so clutch for GREECE, OMG. LOL!
Jennifer: yeah and wherever else we go ever -- I want to go to Italy too!
Jennifer: http://www.sonomaoutfitters.com/istar.asp?a=6&id=31625%21025
Kim: Eeeeee! Hahaha!
I am going to look SO. FUNNY. with a backpack.
Jennifer: And the bonbon dress! (http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Browse/WomenBrowse/Women_Feature_Assortment/NewArrivals/dresses/PRDOVR~15324/15324.jsp)
Kim: I am glad you immediately imagined that too, because I went right there with the visual.
So how does this backpack work? Can I get a red one?
Jennifer: sure
Kim: where is a red one? I have no idea how to shop for this!
Jennifer: I will probably go to EMS or something… do we have those in NY?
Kim: you either have to tell me, or I will go to EMS and somehow buy whatever they say
LOL
Jennifer: yeah I don't know if we do. I know there is a campy outdoors store near Union Square though
Kim: why?
Jennifer: I don't know, some NY people like to say they are outdoorsy I guess
Kim: I am outdoorsy. Meaning I like outdoors.
Not bugs. or camping.
Here’s the thing: camping is SO DUMB.
Okay, like the things about camping I like are the water sports and nature walks and neither of those require sleeping on the dirt or bug spray, so why throw that into the mix?
Also like the only coffee option is INSTANT!!! It is so not fun.
Jennifer: I like camping but only if there are showers, and a tent with a floor.
When I used to go camping with my friends, in the morning I would get up and drive like 20 minutes to get coffee
Kim: haha excellent! Mine were all like, you have not eaten eggs until they were cooked over campfire! And I was like, lukewarm and there's a bug in it, can we go to Starbucks?!
Like I swear I am not high maintenance but.
Jennifer: I also don't really like getting dirty that much, which is why the shower is necessary… I have been to ones that don't have it and I had to go in a river after running. Oh god.
Kim: yeah, this is why I hold that 'outdoorsy' is so arbitrary; there is good and bad of it. It's the people who must convince the world they are outdoorsy by not showering and sleeping on the ground that give those of us who like to shower a bad name!
Jennifer: I also hate camping clothing because it means I wear my running clothes all the time… like, you can't wear anything good because it's not outdoorsy, so suddenly I'm wearing a sports bra 24/7
Kim: I know! And the 'cool' outdoorsy clothes are so not… like hiking boots and ugly colored fleeces and dirty pants
Jennifer: I know… I feel like a lot of people would make fun of us about this
Kim: well it's true though! Like, I’m sure the track team was not quite the same, but similar to the sailing and there were those athletes at school who were so like, here is my backpack and my hiking keychain and my steel water bottle and my Lauren Conrad braid before she did them and my no makeup and I was like, I aspire never to be that girl.
Jennifer: yeah no, most of them we hiking outdoorsy people and they were all HIKING ROCK CLIMBING YEAH and I was like, aren't you tired from running, don't you want to watch a movie?
Kim: like the second we'd get out of a boat they'd be like, let's go climb a mountain or ski!
Or shop, but for $800 fleece camping sleep pants or something absurd…
A thousand dollar watch that tells you what continent you're on. IN CASE YOU GET THAT LOST.
Jennifer: I can tell you what continent I'm on without a watch. And god help me if I ever get that lost and think a watch will save me.
Kim: Exactly! I am like, okay if I were lost in the woods in an unknown continent I am pretty much fucked. And will rely on common sense and adorability -- adorability helps in being rescued. I mean, know your strengths and weaknesses, people!!!
Jennifer: yeah I feel like at that point knowing that you stumbled into Africa won't really make a difference
Kim: I am not the type of person whose camping gear and skill would save her
So, I’d just try to be nice and hope a bear didn’t eat me, I guess.

On priorities. Or, the cynical react.

2009-06-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: So. Are you sad about Michael Jackson? Because seems like everyone in the world is distraught but me.

Jennifer: I'm like, soooo he was a creepy dude who did shady things but made good music back in the day and now he's dead. Oh well.

Kimberley: Oh, yeah, no. I mean, it is kind of like, WHOA! really?! nuts. But, i mean, I didn't know him and he didn't make music anymore, soooo i really felt no personal anything to the event.

Jennifer: Yeah. I feel nothing, I wonder if I have mental problems. But honestly I get more upset when book characters die than celebrities because I feel like I have more invested in book characters.

Kimberley: No, I agree. I mean, I actually think it's kind of awful that people get so devasted by the death of celebrities. Like it's sad that people die in general, but also, um, people die. In general. Many from far worse causes, in far worse ways, with much sadder stories.

Jennifer: Yeah you're right. people who mourn CELEBRITIES are the ones with problems
I'm going to mourn the people being beaten to death in Iran for protesting insead.

Kimberley: Yes! for real though.

Jennifer: At first I felt really callous because I didn't care at all about MJ and everyone else did.

Kimberley: That's the thing. That is happening and no one cares. But stop the presses, a famous person died! Of natural causes.

Jennifer: I do, I am rooting for the ladies, they need to stop the madness over there. He died of a drug overdose, I think. But still, that's normal. Ha.

Kimberley: Well that's the thing. If Lindsay Lohan smashed into a tree tomorrow, Hollywood would piss on itself and like, darken the sign in the hills or whatever. It's all very backwards.

Jennifer: And they'd be like, "She really WAS the next Marilyn Monroe!" When before everyone was like, "haha addict wannabe Marilyn!"

Kimberley: Exactly. I was listening to the radio this am and they were talking about MJ and two of the talkers were like, it is SO SAD and one was like, you know what though, what a creep he was. And the other two were like ZOMG!!11!!!! I JUST WANT TO REMEMBER HIM IN THRILLER DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BABY DANGLING THING!!! And the other one was like, 'see this is what is wrong with people.' And i was like, oh I'd be his friend.

Jennifer: I mean, when you're dead isn't it a better time to talk shit because you can't hear it?
When I die I want people to say I ate puppies.

Kimberley: Ha! Ok, if you go first i promise I'll manifest that to no end.

Jennifer: Ok, what do you want me to say about you?

Kimberley: Probably that I kept an ice pick in my Chanel scarf and would stealthily stab ugly people on the subway.

Jennifer: Oh, I like it. I will be like 96 and have a flask of martini and stand up and say it at your funeral. I will also sprinkle cocaine on your casket as they lower it into the ground.

We Aren't Dead. Also, Kim Jen Madrid Barcelona!

2009-05-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, world, hi.

Jen and I forgot to blog for a really long time, but I hereby swear that I am starting again (I know all three of you readers have been devasted heretofore ... I ... just wanted to use that word, I don't even know if I did so properly).

Anyway, for my first post as a self re-instated blogger, I really have nothing to say, actually. I'm having difficulties completing a single thought at work. Though, here's a little gem that came from today:

Kim: "So. (Redacted client whose case was just transferred to me) is going to be nice and cooperative and we will have this closed by Tuesday, yes?"
Boss: "No. I can promise you right here, right now, that no, that is not how it will be. He is going to be stupid and annoying and push your deadlines to deadlines that didn't even used to exist. On the 1-10 Scale of Stupid and Annoying, he is a 9, and I would give him an 11, but that is Stupid and Annoying, and somehow 10 seems less bad than 9. So he's a 9. Also he'll stare at you to an uncomfortable degree."

Awesome.

In other news, our favorite Adam Lambert is still our favorite and he's in the American Idol finale along with Kris Allen, who is just a lovely little lemon meringue pie tartlet of a person and we adore him too, so, this is great on all accounts! I am sad to report the degree to which this ridiculous karaoke competition has infiltrated my life, but, alas. Glitterpainting my Adam Lambert t-shirt this weekend.

In other sparkly tv news, it appears no one listened to me and watched Kings, which is all of your loss and I hate you and blame you for its apparent cancellation. On the upside, I saw Carter Baizen in the preview for the Gossip Girl finale, immediately deduced that with Kings dead this frees him up to be a regular in Season 3, and I proceeded to throw myself on the floor and flail around giggling with glee at the prospect. Sebastian Stan really just needs to grace all my television shows, please.

And in other, other news not relating to tv whatsoever, we are going to Spain! Je parle francais but my Spanish is sadly (yet spectacularly, somehow) limited to cauderno (that means notebook), but Jen is already practicing hers and I'm getting a book. It. Is. Going. To. Be. Epic. Allegedly we might skate by without sticking out too much because we shop at Zara, but my blonde hair is questionable. We don't care anyway. Ole!

Clearly I'm the same as I ever was, which is apparently shallow, as that nice anonymous* commenter deduced from my innocent post on sneakers. This is good news for you all, as it means that after taking the high road for like ten seconds, obviously my next post is going to be tearing anonymous* commenters who say absurd things to shreds. And I'll still be posting about shoes!

SPAIN SPAIN SPAIN!

* I know who you are, asshat. Stop posting anonymously on my fluffy little blog. You are way too old to act like an outcast 16-year-old. Like, way, way, way, wrinkly-and-with-the-confirmation-of-your-cat-lady-fate-breathing-down-your-neck too old.

I Have Met My Match

2009-03-23T14:11:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Jen

A client brought us Girl Scout cookies today. Normally, when it comes to sweets and desserts, I can eat one or two and be happy that I ate it because dessert is delicious and nutritious and scientifically proven to make you awesome.* However, Girl Scout cookies are just cracktastic! I can't just eat one. Or three. Oh dear god, that little box is calling me. I have Thin Mints AND SAMOAS which, if there is a god, he created those bitches on the eighth day because they are PERFECTION and also have 30% of your recommended dose of saturated fat for the day, so. Yeah.

*None of that is true.

OMFG.

2009-03-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

President Obama is Gossip Girl fan!

Or he could just be AWARE of it, I know, but whatever.

I Remain Firmly Aboard The Adam Train, Thx.

2009-03-18T07:10:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Kim

I did not watch American Idol last night, because it was St. Patrick's Day and I was busy and also I think I'm kind of over watching it in general, because, as I discussed with Jen, the only thing you can even watch on it is Adam because it's really just people standing around singing cover songs and that's only fun when it's people you know or they are crazy fucking awesome scary insane like Adam Lambert. So.

Anyway, though, I wasn't sad because I heard it was Grand Old Opry week anyway, and I sort of hate to be one of those people who's all, "I hate country music!" because I think the people who feel the need to profess that usually have kind of crap taste in music, but I sort of do hate most country music that's not like Patsy Cline or Ryan Adams (who's borderline even at his most country anyway), so, yeah, I like really just did not care to hear Danny Gokey sing The Dance or whatever the fuck stupid song he picked, thanks.

So then I got to work this morning and my co-worker Amy and I were listening to some popular radio station that plays stuff I recognize but couldn't name and also sometimes has this spectacular 80's hour where they play allllll my karaoke signatures, and then all of a sudden this insane version of Ring of Fire came on. Like it sounded like Jeff Buckley and Thom Yorke had a baby in India and it started crying and burning and wailing and fucking being awesome and terrifying all over everyone's face.

And Amy and I were simultaneously like, "HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE! ALSO I'M SO CONFUSED AND SCARED! BUT PSYCHED ABOUT IT!"

Yeah, so obviously it was Adam Lambert's performance from last night, and so the radio dudes immediately are like AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THIS IS TEH WORST THING EVAR! And Amy and I are like, oh, back up the bus. Here it comes: "How dare you, 1) Touch a Johnny Cash song! and 2) Sing it different than he did!!!!"

So obviously that's exactly what they screamed about for a while, as Amy's like, "but it was so awesome though!" and I'm all, "But I think Johnny Cash would have died in a good way if he saw that, like Johnny Cash was a crazy motherfucker with a sick sense of humor and he totally would have loved Adam Lambert going all sparkly gay vampire psycho goth theatre boi on Ring of Fire, I swear! And if it's good enough for him, why can't the rest of the world get over the stupid Walk the Line movie already, christ!"

We proceeded to immediately youtube it and then totally died. Okay, cause first of all, it was so great when Ryan was all, "So, Adam, are you going to turn in a restrained, country style performance tonight?" and Adam was totally just like, dude, no, what, and also, heehee. And then Randy Travis was so scared of him! OMG. So funny. And sad and pathetic. But mostly funny.

And then! AND THEN! Like, okay. I will admit, I was ... uncomfortable? It was just so weird to watch, like, dude has a sick voice, clearly, so on the radio it was just like, omg eerie and amazing and somehow beautiful and scary at once! But on screen it was like you had to look away but you couldn't look away and then he was doing the vampire eye thing and really, really thinking about taking his clothes off and the burns burns burns, like, I couldn't handle it and I sort of totally got what Simon said about people throwing their televisions out the window because I kind of wanted to do so with my computer, but not because I thought the performance was blasphemous and terrible like Simon was saying we should think, but because I couldn't stand watching it. In a good way. And a scared, confused way. Like when I go to an Adam Lambert concert, for which I will totally buy advance tickets, someone will probably need to hold my hand because of sensory overload and panic and I will love every second.

Also, he should absolutely win this show if this stage in the competition is an indication, because we then went on to watch other selected performances and of other people I like (Alexis) I have to say: That was it? You sang Jolene, and you have that voice, and that is all you turned in? I mean, I hope for her sake most of her fans don't know and love the song, because that song is incredible and she was like a bored karaoke singer at best. And I'm not trying to contradict myself here and say she should have sang it like Dolly Parton, I mean, if she wanted to sing it Adam Lambert sparkle-scary style with some sitars or whatever the Alexis Grace equivalent to that would be and rocked the hell out of it, I could have got behind that. What I am saying is that that song is way, way too powerful and emotional for what she did. I have heard far superior performances of that song by people with far less vocal talent than Alexis, honestly.

And as far as Kris, who the judges collectively creamed themselves over ... I liked it fine. I would listen to that on the radio, if Kris were singing it. Or Jason Mraz. Whoever. You know. Someone whose album I would not buy and who I would never pay a Live Nation fee to see in concert no matter how cute he is or how nice and relaxing and lovely his voice is to listen to.

AND, as far as Matt (who the judges REALLY creamed themselves over) goes: See exhibit: Kris. Except Matt was way better than hime this time, and I think he (Matt) actually is a little underrated so I am glad he is getting attention now, but I would really like to see him bust something open cause I think he can do it and I just don't get why he hasn't yet.

Oh, and Anoop finally sang pretty! But, that was kind of it.

So, moral of the post, if I had voted, it still would have been for Adam.

Help Me Pick Out Sneakers, Please.

2009-03-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Last night after GG I somehow watched five minutes of True Life: I'm a Shopaholic, or something like that, and I'm not sure if I should have been nervous or comforted by seeing it, but in any case, I'm nothing like that crazy bitch from Queens and yes, I'm shopping for shoes again.

But I have limits, and also I don't like to buy the same thing in different colors, so even though I'm in love with all of these, I can clearly only have one.

Vote!

Thoughts so far include:

Jennifer: navy dots is the safest as far as getting dirty goes
me: yes, i was thinking that.
though yellow is the cutest as far as being the cutest ever goes.
and blue is the awesomest.

Jennifer: agreed.
me: i am going to put them on our blog and see if anyone will vote. prob not, because i think they only comment when they hate.

Jennifer: they'll tell you that there is a recession going on and you are a vapid bitch for daring to want shoes.
PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR HOUSES.

me: lol. also that i should not think twilight is a guilty pleasure because it's real literature, and i only like guys with fuckety faces and also prom dresses.
okay, so the haters might be on to something, but they are looking at it ALL WRONG.

plus, i need shoes to walk in, god.

In Which I Cannot Do Monday.

2009-03-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Today I feel horrifically hungover despite the fact that I did not drink last night. I did drink Saturday night, but it wasn't that much and it was my go-to for non-hangover drunkenness, (and favorite) vodka. But anyway, I can see no other explanation for feeling like this aside from Jen's suggestion of cancer, so I'm thinking I am experiencing a delayed hangover. And it's bad.

Bad enough that my eyes are unfocused enough and I am confused enough that I just walked into my office carrying a salad and an empty iced coffee cup, and proceeded to set the empty cup on my desk and throw my salad in the recycling bin.

Sigh.

And I'm HUNGRY, thanks.

My apartment can SOMETIMES find the Internet now...

2009-03-15T11:42:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Kim

Hi, hi, I'm checking in while I briefly have Internet to pimp out a TV show I have never seen but that is my new favorite because Carter Baizen is in it and I love him and also (to a lesser degree, because I am that sad and shallow and so it's mostly about Carter) I think it will be Important Television! With Important Themes and Messages Relevant To Society Today! Or at least layered or whatever, like they tell me Lost is.

Anyway, everyone watch Kings. Who doesn't want Sunday night TV? People who know about TV tell me this is actually a bad time slot and thus the show will immediately be canceled. Also, that the show is going to be too smart for people to want to watch. But, um, no. It's going to be awesome. Sunday night TV about an alternate universe King David? Who doesn't love David's story? It's the best, most gay story in the Bible ever! Let's go!

Also, Carter Baizen, hi. I don't know (or care) what his name is on Kings yet. In real life it's Sebastian, though, which is probably even marginally cooler than Carter Baizen. And he dates Leighton! And I love him.

It's better than the time I read all four Twilight books because of a sort of crush on Robert Pattinson at least, isn't it?

Ricky And Elmo Are Hilarious!

2009-03-13T06:58:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Jen

Extras NOW, because it is possibly the funniest show ever. Or just watch his I have little tolerance for Elmo usually, as people who like him are generally people I don't enjoy, such as small children and adults who think it is cute to like children's things -- ugh. Ugh! Does anyone remember in high school, how some girls would like, "Loovvveeee Pooh (or Tigger or Piglet. Actually, I believe the girls who loved Piglet were the worst of them) and like totally talked in baby voices and wore Pooh sweatshirts and said things like "Liberry"? Yeah. Anyway, I forget where I was going with that but this is a video of Ricky Gervais (everyone go and Netflix The Extras because it could be the funniest show EVER or just watch his stand up and pee your pants laughing, whatever.) and Elmo is fantastic. While Elmo still sounds obnoxious, the person with the hand up his butt clearly has a sense of humor, and suddenly Elmo becomes kind of like one of those freaky children who speaks and has mannerisms like an adult.*

Also, realization of MY LIFE: I finally realized who my grandmother sounds exactly like. And it is Elmo.

*Digression: Do you know what kind of children I am talking about? They are children, that have been so brainwashed by adults that they parrot back everything they have been told, but do it in the same manner as the adult who told them about it. For instance, the other day my BF and I watched Jesus Camp, which is a documentary about a Pentecostal Evangelical summer camp and mannnnn it borders on child abuse but that is not the point. The point is the kids talk about religion and clearly their parents have been feeding them the lines for so long, they start to resemble miniature 40 year olds in their ways of speaking and mannerisms. Freaky. But this is really another post. Anyway.

Whitney Offends Me

2009-03-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Jen

I will give you all a moment to reflect upon the image below, and remember before you stare too hard: things that are seen cannot be un-seen.

You've been warned.

So, like, what the fuck Whitney? You move to NY and live "downtown" (which is really uptown) and really, really need to prove that you are not that bland blond CA girl? And you've decided to do this in the most ridiculously ugly way possible by draping yourself in the leftover wardrobe from Flash Dance while wearing (sooooo summer 2007, btw, if you care) neon nerd glasses?* Gah, you make me so mad. So mad. And your stupid MATCHING pink nylon bag, WHY?!?! Please just get over yourself and go back to wearing Tory Burch flats and peasant tops and stop designing because it suuuuuccckkksss (really, you don't hold a candle to Bilson or even LC) and move back to LA, because that look is really just LA trying to be NY and it's kind of sad.

*Digression: What is the point of the stupid nerd glasses? They have been uglying up the faces of Brooklyn's masses for two years now, and I do not see the point, and I absolutely hate them and still would even if someone told me the point. They are not cute; they make you look ugly. And I know some girls are so beautiful, uglying up themselves is kind of cool because they still look stunning, but that does not take away from the fact that you have 1970's style child molester glasses on your face!

We are on Team Adam.

2009-03-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Kim

As Jen pointed out to me, I am slacking on the blog. Big time. My excuses include: my laptop can't find the internet in my new roommate-less (!) apartment, and I suddenly work 80 hours a week. Eep.

But I'll try to be better.

So to break the slacking, but because I only have about 40 seconds of down time right now, here are Kim and Jen's thoughts, discussed via text, on last night's American Idol. A show that we now both watch. Sigh. Ugh.

Kim: "Um, I somehow forgot about Adam? And I love him."

Jen: "Yes, for the win! He's a bit sexy when he leers over the mic. Sigh."

Kim: "Aw, it's killing me! He's so happy! Awwwww!"

Jen: "I'm text voting for him. Also, Paula is insane."

Jen: "A(lexis) is so good too!"

Kim: "5711 VOTE"

Kim: "Yes, I like her too. I can't predict the top 4. Alexis, Adam, Alison, Matt, Danny, Lil? Some combo of them. Also, who is Kris, what? Pretty pretty princess. Want."

Jen: "I know! Where did he come from? Also want. Lucky wife, boo."

But really you should have ... heard ... us (texting) last week when Anoop made lucky #13. Eeee.

Although I might be kind of over him. Okay, not really. Bffl, Anoop!

People I AM over: Danny. Sorry. His voice is nice but I'm bored with him. Jorge. Less sorry.

People I was never on board with: Megan. I do not get? Other than being pretty, what? She ... can't carry a tune, even, it appears to me. And she said 'CAW CAW!' Also, Michael. Huh?

I can't believe I watch this, it's so dumb, really. Hence, total Team Adam. At least he's interesting and awesome, except he loses points for fleeing NYC for LA, obviously.

Chuck To Friend: Are We Going Boating After The Game?

2009-03-10T13:40:00.001-07:00

Posted by: Jen

Apparently Chuck is also laughing at his friend who chose to go sockless, in dress shoes, to the Knick's game, in New York, IN MARCH. Going sockless is a don't (and while appropriate in BOAT SHOES and boat shoes ONLY, I do not encourage wearing such a thing ever). So, total fail, sockless mystery dude.

Ummm, Mr. Obama?

2009-03-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

Posted by: Jen

You are awesome. All of this legislation for positive things is starting to blow my mind. Case in point: lifting the ban on stem cell research.

It's better than sex! And nachos! And having sex and then eating nachos in bed!

From CNN:

"As President Obama reversed the Bush administration's limits on embryonic stem-cell research, he said scientific decisions must be "based on facts, not ideology."
President Obama lifted a ban that limited federally funded embryonic stem cell research.

President Obama lifted a ban that limited federally funded embryonic stem cell research.

The president on Monday signaled a clear shift in tone from the Bush administration on a broad range of scientific issues.

Obama overturned an order signed by President Bush in 2001 that barred the National Institutes of Health from funding research on embryonic stem cells beyond using 60 cell lines that existed at that time."

Emphasis mine. OMG OMG OMG (not literally, obv, just as a figure of speech, because REALLY guys, I don't have a god and I'm cool with not having yours either. Anyway.), wait what? You mean the government should not be run and legislation should not be controlled by the vocal and annoying self-righteous minority? Especially when that obnoxious subset of the population wants to hinder scientific progress that would help people all over the world? Well, consider my socks knocked off. I never thought this day would come. Thanks President Obama, I am glad I voted for you. xoxo

Oh Hai, Look What Obama Is Up To Now!

2009-03-06T14:35:00.001-08:00

Posted by Jen:

Oh all that is smart and awesome, check out out this press release from Planned Parenthood:

"President Obama began the process of overturning the Bush administration rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services.You might already know the background of this situation, but here it is in case you don't. Just before leaving office, the Bush administration put in place a rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services. The rule allows health care personnel and institutions everywhere to simply withhold information about health care services, including things like birth control and HIV testing and treatment. It also allows health care workers to deny any basic health care service based on their personal biases. "

Well, that was quick. I really have to say, I am impressed with President Obama's can do/will do attitude. I don't think I've ever seen a politician accomplish more so quickly. It really makes me happy (and incredibly relieved, after 8 years of horror. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome or something, as the next round of elections already strikes fear into my liberal heart.) to have a smart, educated competent leader for once.

ALSO, there is more you can do to help! There is 30 days before the rule is rescinded for the public to voice their opinion. Let yourself be heard via this great form provided by PP: http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/hhsorcp_ppol/ws3xxx3r1kketwd?source=hhsorcp_e1_ppol

Next, let's work on gay marriage!

But WHY Are The Camels IN A Car?!?!

2009-03-04T11:17:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Ok, this is probably the funniest thing I have seen in a while as I literally LOLed instead of just typing it (actually it was more of a shriek followed by hysterical laughter). But the video leads to many questions, such as WHO decided to put two camels in a car? Why did they put the camels IN the car? Where were they going (as I can imagine that camels typically do not need rides to many places, being creatures that can travel long distances through the desert while relying on the stored whatever-the-fuck it is they keep in their humps.)? And why are the camels so obviously displeased?

Also, my co-worker makes noises similar to this when he loses at video games, FYI.

I Didn't Totally Watch American Idol Tonight Because The New 90210 Repeat Was New To Me.

2009-03-03T19:18:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

So, I didn't see this blind guy Jen is talking about.

However I did see the Puerto Rican guy who can't think in English when he gets emotional, and I am officially over my Adam Lambert crush of last week.

Team Jorge!

Btw, tomorrow I am moving into my new apartment ... AND IT DOESN'T INCLUDE ROOMMATES AND I AM SO EXCITED OMG.* This is probably the first time I've ever been okay, much less excited, with the whole staring down the barrel of my late 20s thing or whatever.

NO ONE'S LEAVING MY PANS IN THE SINK TO RUST OR THEIR HAIR IN THE SHOWER, BITCHES! YES!

*Obviously Jen is the greatest roommate to ever walk the earth and none of this gushing about not having roommates (omg!) means that I don't miss college/NYC the Early Years/Jen. And Gracie.

Oh. Of Course.

2009-03-03T18:22:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

There is a blind guy on American Idol right now. And he can sing, and the judges love him (though, can you be mean to a blind person? I don't know. Once I helped a blind lady on the bus from Boston to NY and "helping" was actually more like being her slave, but I took it, even after she screwed me on cab fare, because hey, she couldn't see. I also continually made a jackass out of myself by making brilliant statements such as, "look out!" or "it's over there" and pointing at things.). We all know that blindness beats a dead wife any day, just saying.

Mary Kate And Ashley Totally Got It, Dude!

2009-03-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

It is snowing here and I am so tired of winter and all of my clothes and even though I swore off shopping until April, I can't help but look online and then I died a little when I found Mary Kate and Ashley's spring line for Elizabeth & James. Sigh, I have seen a lot of their stuff in Bloomingdale's and gazed longingly at it, but these girls have come a long way since their days of Wal-Mart clothing and the price point is a little... High. For me at least. But, we can drool! And find lower cost look alikes at Zara and H&M! Yay!

First, I give you, "Model in kiddie pool".
She's all, I am so bad ass in this long blazer and adorable teal skirt! I'm also about to break this pool with my killer heels (quick aside: when I was 9 or so, I got Crocodile Mile for my birthday and I was SO EXCITED because it was a glorified Slip n' Slide with a cool pool and inflatable palm tree on the end of it! Well, long story short, I never even got to use it because the pool popped when my dad was setting it up. How tragic.) ! Look out, tidal wave!

Next, although I seem to be seeing a resurgence in short puffy skirts circa 2004, I am refusing to be frightened because this is not worn with Uggs or an Old Navy tank top.
Instead it is all kinds of awesome with a long blazer (I NEED ONE. And yet, cannot find any -- they all appear to be cropped, everywhere I go. And let me tell you how bad cropped looks on someone who is 5'3.), a simple shirt and once again, bad ass heels. Mary Kate and Ashley, please send me this outfit for my birthday. I loved How The West Was Fun.

Lastly, YELLOW!
I don't know if I can wear straight up yellow all by itself like the model is, as it tends to make me look dead, or close to death, but I would wear this with a darker cardigan over it, which I know completely ruins the fact that it is a summer dress, but that is how I roll and it gets cold in my office. Also, the jury is still out on those Keds. Yes, I see the hipsters (and Brett from Flight of The Conchords!) in them, but like those giant boyfriend jeans that Katie Holmes inflicted upon the world, only to have many misguided actresses follow her, I am not sure if I believe it.

Twilight Takes Over The World! Or At Least Mine, Because As We Have Discussed, It Already Has Or Whatever!

2009-02-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Disclaimer: My Baby Bro Ben is visiting and I kindly purchased him his beverage of choice in handle form, which is bourbon, of all things, and so now we're both drunk.

So, at this very moment I am watching the completely (and deservedly so, because it's awesome) acceptable-by-television-snobs Top Chef finale (Team Carla! Whoo dee whoo![?] What? She's toast. But I love her!) However, immediately preceding this very moment, I may or may not have been watching American Idol. Again. Ahem.

Now, when the first season of American Idol aired, I was studying abroad in London, and so I missed it entirely. As in I arrived back in the States, and in the summer of 2003 was driving around and heard Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This' and was all, "Um, what the hell is this crap?" (obvi I am now a fan, that song was her singular weak moment) and thus began my understanding.

However I never watched.

Until last week.

And then tonight.

BUT. I have had friends who consistently OMG ADORE OBSESSIVELY it. And they all have one thing in common: They HATE HATE HATE the musical theatre types, and LOOOOVE the 'edgy rocker' types that show up to compete. And then I proceed to hear David Cook on the radio and be like, "meh, 100% meh" and they are all, "BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR HIM SING 'HELLO!!!1!!11!!!!!!OMFG" and I'm all "so it IS glorified karaoke for hipsters who are too cool for musicals! A-HA!"

***** TIME OUT***** Hosea just won Top Chef. Um, snore. Aside from the time he made the crispy salmon rolls, I remember nothing. It should have been Stefan. Not that I like him. But he is better. Whatever.

Okay, back. Right, so, American Idol is no place for Broadway singers. Except ... it is a singing competition, yes? Well, I mean, it's also a beauty pageant, but, Broadway singers tend to be cutie pies, so. Anyway. All I'm saying is, enjoy musicals or not (and for the record, 90% of the time I do not -- ask Jen, we share a mutual issue with suspension of disbelief, and often -- exhibit A, Twilight 4 -- mine is even stronger than hers), Broadway-style singers tend to have the best voices.

AND OMG I HAVE A TOTAL CRUSH ON ADAM LAMBERT NOW WTF THANKS AMERICAN IDOL.

Like, the Pete Wentz look is not really my type (I mean, if the princess dress/pearl/J.Crew gushing and discussions of Nantucket and Chace Crawford hasn't yet given it away, I'm destined for matrimony with a stockbroker or perhaps a professional lacrosse player), and, I'll just throw it out there: despite the fact that "Wild Horses" unfailingly makes me cry in a good way every time I hear it, and I obviously like "Ruby Tuesday" because I'm human, I am not even that big of a Rolling Stones fan, so please don't quiz me on albums. BUT OMG. That was so fun! He was so great! His voice is fantastic! His flatironed hair is amazing!

AND THEN RANDY JACKSON TOOK IT TO THE TWILIGHT PLACE.

TWILIGHT RULES THE WORLD!

And, whilst Ryan compared him to Edward Cullen (what?), I would like to point out that Randy was comparing him to R.Pattz ... um, R. Patz? ... RPattz!zz! Robert Pattinson! Who, because maybe one other time or 17 while I was drunk I stalked a little, I know sings (I'm sure this is not news to anyone but me, so pick on something else and let me roll with it please, haters) -- BUT DOES RANDY KNOW THAT?! Seriously. Someone clarify. What was going on? Was he comparing Adam singing 'Satisfaction' to RPattz singing on the Twilight soundtrack? Cause I mean, they sounded nothing alike, aside from both awesome. Or was he talking about their mutual affection for strategically tousled hair?

DOES IT EVEN MATTER? NO. I loved this guy, and then Randy called him Edward. I mean R Pattz. I am clearly paraphrasing wherever the hell I see fit at this point. ANYWAY.

Sold. I have my American Idol. Call me, Adam. Let's go out. Or ... go shopping.

Oh, also, in addition to my new American Idol boyfriend (please, no one call me with examples of him singing the Jesus Christ Superstar score or something I have no interest in hearing, I DON'T CARE, LET ME HAVE MY FANTASY) I voted for the girl who sang 'Alone' and the girl who sang 'Bette Davis Eyes' simply because those are two of my karaoke signatures (Jen sang 'Alone' with me once, and she loved it. She can't deny.). Rock on, karaoke idols.

Jenny Humphrey! You're Making Me Nervous (Part 25)!

2009-02-25T18:58:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Oh, sigh.

Jenny/Taylor! COME ON. You are 15, why do you insist on going out looking like a late twenty-something 80's punk rocker on the way to their third trip to rehab?! I mean, ok, it IS better than most of the 15 year old starlets out there these days, going out looking like 25 year old wanna-be sex machines (Miley, I'm looking at you) with their hair and their makeup and their grownup clothes and god I sound like my mother, but you are the only one out of all of them convincing me that a trip to the hospital for cocaine induced "exhaustion" is in your near future. Hey Jenny, remember GG season one? When you were cute and had shiny long hair and pants without holes? Yeah, that was last year, not 10 years ago. Sigh, I worry about you, and your Red Bull drinking ways.

Also, I am watching American Idol AGAIN (I really need cable. And TiVo. And I would watch endless What Not To Wear marathons and die happy) and let me tell you, I am an Adam fan tonight. When they interviewed him, I was like "AW awesome theater gay boy! Love!" and then wondered if the whole Clay Aiken debacle of the days of yore would happen again. You know, in which straight women convince themselves that the object of their desire is straight, coin a kicky nickname off of it (um, Claymates) and then three years later are ultimately embarrassed by their complete lack of gaydar. I actually knew a girl in high school who OMG LOVED LANCE BASS EEEEEE!!!1 and I don't talk to her anymore but I am sure she was a Claymate at some point. Oh yeah, and then, to further my argument, Randy said he had a "Steven Tyler, Fallout Boy, Robert Pattinson from Twilight" thing going for him, at which Adam immediately responded, "OMG, I love those books and movie!", which should clear up any and all misconceptions.

Anyway, he can totally sing! So, I voted for him and no one else because although I may be tone deaf, I didn't think any of the others were good and none of them had compelling back stories. Sigh. I just wish their were new episodes of GG and 90210 so I wouldn't have to watch this slightly amusing overgrown talent show.

Edward Cullen Goes To The Oscars

2009-02-24T06:52:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So this weekend I was indisposed and confined to my bed, sipping chocolate and delicately coughing into a handkerchief while eschewing visits from various suitors, so I had to watch the Oscars because I don't have cable. I, like Kim, usually hate awards shows but found Hugh Jackman and his crazy dance numbers to be thoroughly entertaining. I also drooled over the dresses. And for once, I had SEEN most of the movies that were being mentioned, so I actually felt more involved in the show. This is what people who like sports must feel like when they watch their team play!

Now, while I loved Slumdog and Dev and Freida and I am so happy they won, like, everything, I do think Benjamin Button got shafted because seriously, seriously, that movie made me cry straight through. For three hours. So I think it should have gotten something, because even though Brad is a little annoying now because he's all perfect with Angelena and like, saving the world and not working on his abs, he did do a REALLY good job and I must say I am a fan. Actually, if they had just given Best Supporting Actress to Taraji Henson I think I would have been satisfied, because she also did a REALLY good job and it would have recognized the movie without taking away any of the awesomeness of Slumdog.

Ok, now on to the important things. Apparently, Robert Pattinson thought that he had to dress IN CHARACTER to go to the Oscars:

I kid, I kid. However, boy could use a trip to St. Tropez after spending all winter in London. You know what guys? I think R. Patz (thanks anon poster), is suffering from the Chuck Bass Syndrome -- you know, the one that Ed Westwick is afflicted by -- in which an actor portraying a certain character begins to believe they are actually the character. Seriously guys, R. Patz is about three seconds away from smearing glitter all over himself, I swear.

Next, although Kim somehow managed to miss this in her all encompasing Oscar Dress roundup, this, ladies and gentlemen, is my favorite dress of the night and exactly what I would wear to the Oscars if I were invited (Edward Cullen, call me):

YES! Leslie Mann! Well played my dear, well played! Of course you would wear a flowing, perfectly cut disco ball gown to the Oscars, it only makes sense! I love it so much. WIN!

I made a 2009 Oscar Dress Yearbook. Enjoy.

2009-02-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

So, the Oscars were last night. I did not watch (cue the shock and awe, I'm sure). I did hear some crap about how some of the celebrities were asked/chose not to walk the red carpet to boost ratings of the telecast, to which I give a big WTF on behalf of photographers, and, especially, designers.

I mean, hi. If Prada dresses Jessica Biel, famous of late for, you know, dating Justin Timberlake, in an obscenely expensive set of table linens, then I'm sure Prada would like the world to be able to see her stand around and give little fluff interviews in it for a while. Seriously.

While arguing about this with a woman at work, I was informed that the Oscars should in fact be more revered by television viewers because "you watch the World Series, right? Same thing!" I obviously proceeded to laugh for about 20 minutes at this analogy, because wtf ever. Watching the top two teams of the season play off against each other is infinitely different than watching actors, as themselves, sit and look at a stage. Though I did hear apparently Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron brought musicals back or some such business. Still not intrigued.

Anyway, I looked up the dresses today. It would appear the predominant theme was 'Wedding Dresses,' 'Princess' or simply, 'White' or lastly, 'Blue.' This resulted in both wins and fails a plenty. Onward for my superlatives, including a parenthetical Win or Fail as I'm sure my ramblings are sometimes unclear. *Also as I edit this epic post, I realize it is also confusing that I put the superlatives above the photos instead of below. And now I am too sick of doing this to fix it. Apologies. I think you'll figure it out though.

Most Likely To Be The Favorite (or at least Most Talked About Dress Amongst ... Everyone?: SJP in Dior Haute Couture (WIN. Duh, ball gown, princess,
you know I love it, XOXO)

Most Likely To Cause Internal Debate and Strife For Hours Do To Being ENTIRELY Angle-and-Lighting Dependent: Anne Hathaway, in very sparkly Armani Prive, amazing from this angle, other times too mermaid-y (overall, WIN)

Most Likely To Garner Praise For Not Being Black, Which Until Now We Are Pretty Sure Was The Only Color She Was Aware Even Existed: Jennifer Aniston in ... I do not know. Someone tell me? (Overall ... um ... pass. No, win. For being so cute with John Mayer. No, wait ... I don't think I really like it. Uh. NEUTRAL.)

Most Likely To Have Made Me Scream WANT WANT WANT Had I Actually Watched The Show: Marion Cotillard, also in Designer Unknown But I Would Be Really Happy To Find Out (WIN. Come on, it's like a never-appropriate-for-any-event-except-princessing dream dress created in HEAVEN, hi. I mean, unless you hate tulle ... which is entirely possible.
But it's my post, suck it.)

Most Likely To Star In My Most Recent Wedding Day Fantasies: Penelope Cruz in Balmain. Also, um, who? I must learn. (WIN)

Most Likely To Star In My Wedding Reception Dreams Momentarily IF I were One Of Those Women Who Would Ever Dare To Change Out Of Her Wedding Dress Early To Party While Dressed Half Like A Flapper and Half Like A Bedazzled Country Singer: Carrie Underwood, in I Didn't Even Bother To Check Who Made This, It's Just For Fun (WIN. Carry on, Carrie. I love you and your country sparkles.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress I Would Actually Wear If I Were Ever Invited To The Oscars, Because If I Wore Marion Cotillard's Jen Would Tease Me and Even Though It Would Be In Jest And Love, I Would Still Become Self-Conscious And Change: Angelina in Elie Saab and freaking awesome fun jewelry. (WIN, because even though it's kind of boring comparatively it's also pretty perfect, and, FUN JEWELRY OMG JAZZING IT UP. This is kind of how I roll.)

Most Likely To Be The Dress Everyone Swoons Over But Kim: Taraji Henson in Roberto Cavalli (NEUTRAL. I mean, it's fine. It fits her perfectly. It's simple and pretty. You'd think I would adore this. But I feel ... not much, really.)

Most Likely To Be The Tween Star in a Dress Better Than Miley's: Vanessa Hudgens, in Marchesa (WIN. She looks so pretty! I would look a fool in this, but it's awesome on her.)

Most Likely To Draw Comparisons To A Mermaid Despite Being One Of the Few NOT Wearing A Mermaid Silhouette, Instead Opting For Three Of The Other Big Looks Of The Night, Which As We Discussed Were Princess, White And Blue: Miley Cyrus, in Somebody I Didn't Look Up. (WIN -bet you thought I was gonna fail her, eh? But actually, while at the gym I was staring at silent followup coverage of the show's fashion and this picture doesn't do it justice. I mean, it is kind of as ridiculous as it looks in this picture, but she also looked pretty great in it, if I'm being honest.)

Most Likely To Confound Me By Maybe Being Awesome But Also Being So Pepto But Maybe That Pink is Awesome Too?: Natalie Portman, in I Don't Know Who. (UNDECIDED. Leaning toward WIN.)

Most Likely To ... Snore. Oh, sorry. Right, Boring. And Somehow Making Me Not Dig Black Lace, Something I Usually LOVE: Kate Winslet in Yves Saint Laurent. (FAIL. So there, Kate. Except you yourself look stunning. Btw, congrats on the Oscar.)

Most Likely To Remind Me Of That Time Blair Waldorf Wore Valentino's Headband Version Of This Dress and It Was SO MUCH BETTER: Amanda Seyfriend, in Valentino Haute Couture. (FAIL. Um, ugh. Also, did she even get to try it on beforehand? Because I'm trusting it was not designed to look 45 sizes too big for her.)

Most Likely To Be Adored, Despite Being Kind of Terrible: Freida Pinto in John Galliano. (FAIL. That's right, I FAILED Freida! And Galliano! And yes, I love them both. And yes, I love Slumdog Millionnaire along with the rest of the world! And yes, that's a pretty color blue! And yes, I am still FAILING Freida despite having WINNED MILEY CYRUS A FEW DRESSES UP. But it's true. I don't like it. Pfft.)

Most Likely To Double As Spider-Man's Prom Dress: Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera. (FAIL. Yes, despite the awesome color, and, you know, Carolina H. But I think the necklace has possibilities.)

Random American Idol Observation...

2009-02-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So I was watching American Idol because as mentioned, I don't have cable, and because 90210 was a repeat (DAMN YOU! CW, wtf is this with all of these mid-season hiatuses? Even One Tree Hill was a repeat last night, gooddddddddd), and I noticed that upon reaching the Hollywood stage, the majority of the male contestants acquire a faux-hawk. What is this? What is the point? I mean, does it make the air around your head flow better, thus enhancing your voice? Combine that with the seemingly popular white button-down shirt enhanced with tribal/dragon design on the back (added points for down the sleeve) and you have quite the shit show. Sigh, but I suppose we can just attribute it to my whole "you lose your mind/fashion sense upon entering the city limits of L.A." theory, which is growing in evidence every day.

BTW, I voted for Alexis because she can sing, Anoop because I want to be his friend and Danny because his wife died. Clearly the fact that this is a singing competition has been pretty much lost on me.

OMG, no really. Why? More horror from pre-fashion week.

2009-02-16T18:15:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Okay, you guys? Tell me if I'm wrong, but Taylor Momsen is really pretty, right? (Btw, Jen stumbled upon her in person once and almost peed on her boyfriend and immediately sent me a frantic text, in case you didn't know.)

SO SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON PLEASE.

Why why why?

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb that might make Jen cancel our friendship on the spot here and just throw it out there that I don't even hate this Marchesa gown. I mean, I could never in 85 billion years wear it, because I'm 5'3" and would look like a 4-year-old on my way to bed and also I would totally trip, like, 73 times (but I still rock my purple maxi dress, I swear), but Little J here is obviously tall and perfect and stunning and someone who can pull this off and look like a goddess, and I'm inexplicably still not tired of the flowy drapey romantic Grecian look, and sea foam is a pastel I've always been more embracing of, and, ANYWAY, WHATEVER, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER IF IT'S A PRETTY DRESS:

Why does she look like Courtney Love? Dead Courtney Love? Strung out Courtney Love (wait...)? Why does she look strung out? WHY DOES SHE LOOK DEAD?

Taylor. :(

(I do like her lipstick)

Hey Guys, I Like What You Wore To Fashion Week

2009-02-16T14:31:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Seems like everyone is paying attention to what's ON the runway, and while I suppose that is appropriate, I have decided to pay notice to the people who showed up looking amazing to watch other people look amazing.

First, Sophia Bush!

I love Sophia (even though she is really only on One Tree Hill, but I also loved John Tucker Must Die), and she always looks perfect at every event. Check her out in her awesome purple skirt with amazing belt! Sophia, I will always HATE CMM for what he did to you, and at least you can feel smug about the fact that you did not peak when you were 19 and that you will at least have a career of amazing movies (the kind that Kim and I love, not the academy) after One Tree Hill finally dies.

Next, Heidi Klum (who is rocking a haircut similar to mine, but I got full out bangs people! I keep going back and forth over whether I look entirely chic or four years old and I can't decide, but judging from the 19 year old NYU student who hit on me the other day assuming that I was in college, I am going to go with the latter)!

Oh hey, shiny sequined dress of awesome? Yes please.

How about H. Duff -- judging from this and Kim's post, I'd say red is her color.

Totally classic. Love the cut, her hair and her shoes. Well played, Hillary. You have come a long way from your Lizzie McGuire days; though I feel that Lizzie seriously could (and should) cut Hannah Montana as I accidentally watched it for the first time on Saturday because I don't have cable and I was cleaning my apartment and had it on for background noise (either that or CSPAN) and it was seriously BAD and DUMB and DUMB BAD.

Last, Brittany Snow!

Dear Brittany, I'm sorry I never saw Prom Night and I swear I will the next time Kim visits because this outfit seriously makes me love you more! Now, I don't "OMG LOVE PLAID!!1!", but I love how you combined casual with formal in this one, and yes, I really wish I had bought something in that color yellow this fall.

Excellent work, ladies!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

I love Valentine's Day! I know, you're shocked. Anyway, since I can't give you Godiva, I'll give you a win and a fail from the Heart Truth Red Dress Show, because what is better than the beginning of Fashion Week and bright red? Right? Right.

WIN:

Hilary Duff, in Donna Karan. She looks so elegant! And adult! And this dress is basically Kate Winslet's royal blue one from Whatever Awards Show A Few Days Or Weeks Ago, except minus the weird draping or whatever it was that was happening at the bottom, which is to say it improves upon something that was already pretty good! Excellent.

And, FAIL:

Oh, my. I sincerely hope Amanda Bynes is more graceful than I am (highly likely), because if I tried to strut the catwalk in this negligee-pretending-to-be-a-dress, the front row would most certainly be getting up close and personal with my ... undergarments. Anyway, apparently Swarovski designed this for the show. I didn't know Swarovski designed anything except crystal, actually, and I'm thinking maybe the world would be a better place if I were correct. Oh well. At least Amanda's got the legs to pull this off (and I have a vague apprehension she probably didn't get to choose this dress for herself anyway, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt), though I would like to point out that if she were wearing tights, "TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!" would be rampant among critiques of this look, but, um, she's not even doing that. Eep.

A Pre-Endorsement Retraction.

2009-02-11T11:40:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Woe. I was all set to talk about how great my new favorite lip gloss is (and this is not said lightly, as I love lip gloss), when tragedy struck circa 10 minutes ago.

I first tried this L'Oreal Colour Juice (in "Raspberry Smash", which is the shade appearing above and to me looks more cherry than raspberry but I digress) last fall, on a whim, while I was en route to a party and had decided I needed, right then, to change my lip shade from ruby to cherry red, and hit up CVS. I'm usually kind of picky with lip gloss, because I don't like it to feel too sticky/rub off on my clothes or other people/gunk all up over my teeth/etc., so, to the dismay of some, I'm usually willing to shell out for it. But since there was no Sephora or even MAC (yes, I prefer Sephora) around during my need to change shades, I just tried my luck, and figured $8.49 sounded safe but also low enough that if I hated it I wouldn't need to throw fits.

I don't really remember much about my initial experience, just that I used up all the gloss without much fanfare and then the holidays came and my stock of reds (and pinks and nudes, etc) was replenished for a while.

Cut to last weekend, when I again found myself missing a cherry red to suit my needs, and recalled the Color Juice. I remembered it hadn't been as shocking as bright reds sometimes can be, which was nice, and that it smelled nice and was light in texture. So I decided to try it again, and happily wore it around all weekend and thoroughly enjoyed it and decided it would be my new go-to and that I would buy it in every color except wine-hued ones because those look bad on my face.

That was four days ago.

Today, this happened.

SCENE: Kim and her co-worker Amy flee the office to marvel at the 50-degree weather and drink iced coffee. Afterwords, as girl co-workers will sometimes insist upon doing, they begin acting like girls and reapplying the lipstick they drank off with their coffee. Kim digs out the clear gloss she was wearing and then realizes that with her all-black outfit, she should provide a POP of color! And then she remembers her new Raspberry Smash Color Juice! But ...

Kim: "Um ... wait. Am I confused or ..."

Amy: (picking up the scent from a good four feet away) "WOW! Is your lip gloss rotten? That is rancid! Ew! Wow. That's really bad. Your berries rotted."

Kim: *Sees red*

Do not endorse.

I will however give the benefit of the doubt and say maybe CVS stocked a shelf with some expired product (lip gloss expires, right?) and perhaps the product itself is not usually ROTTEN.

But I still won't buy it again.

And now I have no pop of color today. Grr.

Chace Crawford: Swoon

2009-02-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Why hello there Nate Archibald! You are looking most excellent. I love you, have my babies. xoxo Jen

EEEEEE! Dawson On One Tree Hill (AKA: The Charlie Show)!!!

2009-02-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So I am watching One Tree Hill, that show about Lucas Scott, star basketball player/person with a defective heart/star author... And Brooke was evil but now she's awesome and Nathan and Hailey have the most precocious five year old ever (I would take him to the bar with me to hang out) and Minkus is like, a sports caster or something and is "cool" but still looks exactly the same as he did when I had a crush on Rider Strong in 1994 (whatever happened to him anyway?)! Oh god, the show went from decent, to bad, to somehow being sponsored by Sunkist soda, to five years in the future and it is actually decent again but clearly I only watch it because it is on after Gossip Girl.

ANYWAY. DAWSON FUCKING LEARY IS ON and he is some kind of famous Hollywood director (obv) and he is kind of a dick and Charlie walks into the room and Dawson quotes from Charlie's "book" and calls it "good writing" and then snorts a giant line of cocaine off of said book and somewhere in TV land Gram rolled her eyes and went to say the rosary and it was all too much and I was so excited I almost dropped my iBook .

I will say this, I love Dawson and want him back on TV all the time. Guest spot on GG, perhaps?

Something You Should Purchase Immediately And Put In Your Hair. FYI.

2009-02-09T17:45:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

I've been using Biosilk Silk Therapy replenishing treatment for a while now, and it is life-changing, I promise. I have long, thick hair that is not completely straight, but somehow also can't hold curl without the aid of about half a bottle of hairspray -- and considering I don't use hairspray pretty much as a rule, that gets difficult. Basically, it's wavy-ish on a good day, but mostly just ... a lot. So I pretty much pay homage to conditioning products on a daily basis and sing praises to the goddess of Vitamin E on every good hair day.

Aside from all the split-end reparations, it smells amazing. I actually have a mildly entertaining story about just how amazing it smells (it comes from my office, and office stories are always good, right?) -- that I will tell tomorrow.

See what I did there? This is me making a conscious effort to post more. Even if it does mean splitting posts up into two.

For now, trust me. Buy. Love. You will never go back.

Jess and Ed 'Hide' Their Relationship in Plain Sight!

2009-02-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Okay, so, despite the pictures of Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr making out at the Knicks game, haters and fangirls alike continue to denounce their relationship as faux on account of either, 1) ED IS OMFG LIKE SO MUCH GAY WITH CHACE; or 2) Ewwwwwwww! Vanessa! No no no no no! No Vanessa! I hate Vanessa and love Blair so much that I cannot draw the line between fantasy and reality and CHUCK CANNOT DATE VANESSA.

(I mean, it's no secret that I hate Vanessa. But I don't hate Jessica, duh. But then again, I am 10 whole years older than this show's target demographic. But then again AGAIN ... I'm pretty sure I'm in the majority of what the demographic actually is, so, ladies (and gentlemen). Grow up. It's time at 26. It's time at 24. I digress.)

Anyway, Vanessica, as I like to call her as of this afternoon, appears to have taken matters into her own hands, and while she's still not talking, she is sending the world a blatant message of the claim she has staked by wearing The Chuck Bass Scarf out in real life!!!11!

She has branded herself and I approve! Even though that scarf isn't even cute on Chuck himself, whatever. I like the subliminal messages, Jess. Keep it up.

Everybody Looked SO BAD At The Grammy's, So I Will Focus My Rage At Heidi's Shoes

2009-02-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Ok, wtf singer people. You all looked ridic at the Grammy's last night -- like seriously, I clicked through 100 pictures and everyone looked so. bad. GAH. Let me provide some evidence, and then I will note which dresses did not make me throw up a little:

http://www.popsugar.com/2789547

Ok, so the people that did not offend me were: Marissa Miller (does she even sing?) in a safe white mini dress with a black belt (and I don't even particularly like large belts), Kathy Griffin in her nice blue number (I know for a fact that she does NOT sing), and Cyndi Lauper (CYNDI "I AM THE 80'S" LAUPER, PEOPLE!!!1) in her cute tux jacket.

To everyone else, OMFGWTF? It was like 80's threw up on 30's and mated with bad fabric and then had giant ugly ornate flower babies.

However, besides the aforementioned non-offending ladies, we did have one winner of the night, and of all people in the entire universe it was...

Yeah. AUDRINA! With her cute little bun and non-offensive dress. And she doesn't even DO ANYTHING. Now, I don't even like music, but I am sure that you musical people are not so creative and artsy to not care about what you look like, right? Prove it.

Anyway. Anyway. Now, onto the Most Offensive Thing I Have Witnessed All Year. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Heidi Montag's shoes:

PLATFORM SNEAKERS!!! Spencer has finally eaten her brain, I am sure of it.

You Amuse Me, Dustin Hoffman

2009-02-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

The scene: Dustin Hoffman reacting (ok, clearly just messing with) to the work of the paparazzi while being photographed by said paparazzi. Oh, how meta! I vote him honorary grandpa of our Dream Team of Friends!

Dustin is clearly upset over mysteriously dead toddler Caylee Anthony! Like millions of others, he still can't get enough!

Dustin views Gennifer Goodwin's tangerine/bead/vomit colored shoes monstrosity from the He's Just Not That In To You premier. He is unimpressed, perhaps nonplussed.

Sigh. You can see the tangerine monstrosity here: http://www.fabsugar.com/2766278. Take it from me, Gin (Kim and I wonder if perhaps on the night of your conception, your parents got drunk on gin martinis and decided to combine their love of Bombay Saphire with one of the most popular names of the late 70's/early 80's, because really, what else are we expected to think?) as a girl who also has the Wednesday Adams thing going on, tropical fruit colors are NOT your friend!

Sigh.

2009-02-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Dear Gossip Girl writers,

Slander is defamation of character by spoken word. As in, not by publishing in a written medium, like in a newspaper or, you know, ON A WEB SITE.

You were going for libel. Um, duh.

ALSO, HAROLD THE LAWYER WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT OMFG.

XOXO,
Kim, Friendly Former Journalist and Wannabe Lawyer

Unflattering Pants Captivate Nation; We Defend Jessica Simpson

2009-02-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: [Redacted insensitive boy] is calling Jessica Simpson fat
and I am getting outraged
Kim: OH GOD I AM SO SICK OF THAT CRAP.
Jennifer: he finally backed down to that she wasn't "fat" but "looks different"
Kim: she is probably a size 6 at the largest instead of a 2 because she got happy and comfortable and stopped starving herself, and wore a bad outfit!
Jennifer: I'm like, IT IS A BAD OUTFIT PLUS MAYBE SHE GAINED 10 POUNDS MAX!!!
and I was like 1. let's see pictures of all of these shit talkers...
Kim: seriously. that whole explosion of press/scrutiny was TERRIBLE.
Jennifer: 2. most girls would like to look liker her, how do you think that makes them feel?!
Kim: i was like, 'um, our nation just did an amazing thing last week, and now we are back to looking like complete and utter douche bags.'
THAT was the number one story.
hot blonde eats some chili. STOP THE PRESSES.
ew.
Jennifer: [Redacted insensitive boy] said her arms are "huge"
Kim: i think it's a shitty camera angle from the ground up, and she happens to not have muscle tone in them. like, you know, 82% of women?
Jennifer: I know, it makes me so mad that he thinks it's ok to comment on this
Kim: yeah. i don’t like it either.
stupid boy.
of course if he gets a gut it's funny... and socially acceptable!
arghhhhh
Jennifer: yes, you know who I hate?
Seth Rogen!
not because I don't think he is funny or whatever... well I don't think he is funny, but I mean, he's ok, if you're into that sort of thing...
but I hate him because he is ugly and gets a free pass
there I said it!!!
he is hairy and chubby and he get's credit where he doesn't deserve it!
and Jessica Simpson stops working out for 20 seconds and she gets the most coverage she's ever gotten!
Kim: yes. i agree. it's really bad.
and like, it is totally within realm that we are supposed to believe women who look like Katherine Heigl would find Rogen cute in some way.
Jennifer: I know!
Kim: like women are expected to be endeared to the fat and hairy as long as there is personality?
Jennifer: but Jessica looks perfect + 10lbs and suddenly she is gross and has "huge arms"
Kim: but if a dude was like, 'you know, i think J Simp looks better with the extra pounds' all his friends would start screaming about Miranda Kerr and disown him.
i know it's been a double standard for a long time, but still.
like we are really supposed to accept that acceptance means no girl is ever out of a guy's league???
Jennifer: I KNOW
I KNOW!!!1
Kim: but ladies, do NOT lose your looks
or you can suck it!
Jennifer: like, how dudes go, "I would fuck her"
oh you would, really?
thank you for letting the world know that you would deign to fuck her!
Kim: RIGHT
i'd do her.
oh yeah? would SHE do you?
Jennifer: it doesn't matter, she's supposed to love male attention
Kim: like i wonder if Jess Simpson would really be all up on [Redacted insensitive boy]'s jock.
Jennifer: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Kim: really.
Jennifer: no that's the thing: all of these people are "grossed out" or whatever
well what do you think she would think about you?!
Kim: you don’t think she might be like, 1) Nick, check. 2) John Mayer, check. 3) Tony Romo, check. um.
i mean, so i don’t think they’re all hot necessarily
Jennifer: but they have their perks
Kim: stupid men now declaring someone un-fuckable because she's not as skinny as she used to be.
Tony doesn’t seem to have a problem.
i'm with Tony. TRUST THE QUARTERBACKS, DUH.
Jennifer: yeah and he is like an alpha male
it's the betas that get nasty about it!
Kim: YES
Jennifer: wish fulfillment and all that
Kim: omg. THAT IS EXACTLY IT
it's like they KNOW something is above them and can't stand it ...
Jennifer: of course
Kim: and now that it's not AS perfect
they are like, I WOULD NOT DARE.
and it's like, uh, yeah, she still wouldn't either, fyi.

I Want Mischa Barton To Be Our Friend

2009-01-29T14:18:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

You know what, despite not knowing Mischa Barton to be anyone other than Marissa Cooper, and since knowing her only as that has led me to "meh" feelings about her because Summer and Seth were CLEARLY the stars on The OC not matter how hard they tried to make it all about Marissa and Ryan (oh, GG, do I see a pattern with Josh Schwartz backed shows in which the leads are boring and the "secondary" characters are awesome? Perhaps).

Anyway, as Fashion Week in Paris is upon us, I have had the opportunity to see more of M (I am going to call her that because it works for BOTH Mischa AND Marissa!), and I will say, I have taken a liking to her. First her awesome yellow dress and now this:

Yes! It is M celebrating her 23rd birthday as all 23 year olds should: in a fabulous fluffy/feathery dress, complete with ironic tiara, all wastey faced. I love her. I am here by adding her to our Dream Team of friends, because if anything, she will bring some fun to our parties!

Also, I don't care if you can act M, it's fine. I wasn't floored by your performance as Marissa. Maybe you should change the game and just be a fun socialite who dresses well and parties most excellently and gets paid for it. We all know that's what I would be if I had the rich parents/hair for it.

On All The Anonymous Hate Vomit

2009-01-29T13:12:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Kim: i am really confused. seriously. do i know that person?

Jennifer: you have to
you get so much hate

Kim: because the anonymouses are always calling me out on being things that
are not indicated by the post AT ALL
so i feel like it has to be personal
how does someone not adore me?!
jk

Jennifer: maybe you defriended them on facebook

Kim: omg
i do do that

Jennifer: i do too

Where I was last week ...

2009-01-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

WATCHING HISTORY HAPPEN.

I'm in there. Stripey hat with a pompom or three, because when I am cold I turn into a five-year-old. That tuft of pink fuzz in the immediate foreground may or may not be a part one of the hats in my party of friends, actually ...

I've found the experience more difficult to talk about than I anticipated. It's not that I was any more or less moved or ecstatic than I assumed I would be, but I also haven't really figured out how to put into words how happy I was just to have been there, despite the fact that I was really just watching it all go down on a giant tv surrounded by millions of people -- so really, I saw it happen basically the same way everyone did with a slightly (majorly) larger group. So each time someone has asked, "how WAS it?!" I've felt pretty generic in my gushing, "Amazing! Inspiring! Just ... something I'll never get to do again, that I'm so glad I decided to do..."

But it's true. The enormity and importance of the moment felt magnified. The woman standing behind me cried the entire time, all the while with a huge smile on her face. TWO, count 'em, of my male friends teared up during Aretha Franklin's staggering performance (I adored the hat, btw), and I found no time to cry because I was so busy jumping up and down in utter excitement with the French Canadian guy (shout out, Jen!) beside me who kept grabbing my arm and telling me how happy he was for America.

To be with so many people generating such a positive energy and standing in solidarity isn't something I can say I've ever really experienced before, and I think it indicates just how much the tides are about to turn for the better in our country that already the sense of unity among us is stronger than most people I know can remember it ever being.

My favorite part of Obama's speech:

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace."

Two Wins And A FAIL!

2009-01-27T11:28:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Ooooh, fashion week in Paris! Why wasn't I invited?

Oh, right, because I am not important enough. Anyway, I will pretend I am and give two thumbs up (to each) to Keira and Mischa for looking AWESOME.

First, Keira at the Chanel show:

Kim would die over this and even though I am not a big pencil skirt fan (I am too short to pull it off) I do have to say this is awesome. If I were a lawyer or somebody professional, this would be my office outfit. I also think I am a fan of Keira's bangs, even though they remind me of the kind I had when I was four... They started at the middle of my head and came forward to cover my eyebrows. Whatever, it was the 80's and I was adorable.

Next, Marissa Cooper!

Yay! Hi Mischa, I forgot about you. You still look nice and I have to admit, I REALLY like that color. I also like the cut and the details. The shoes are kind of stripper-y but your fabulous hair makes up for it. Now, please tell me that is not a real fur that you are holding and I will go see your next movie, whatever it is.

Lastly (not in Paris, some random event), our FAIL:

Leighton!!! What is is this? Did you decide to go with a strapless bandage dress, worry that you might get chilly and throw a sheer dress over it, just in case? We expect so much more of you! What would Blair Waldorf say?

Kitten Live Feed!

2009-01-27T11:25:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Why hasn't anyone thought of this sooner? A live feed of kittens! Click on the image to watch!

I'm back!

2009-01-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

And there was another awards show I could not care less about the other night, which meant I got to stare at dresses when I felt like avoiding work!

Apparently the theme of the Sag Awards this year was One-Shoulder, and in most cases it appears it worked. My favorite was Evan Rachel Wood, though I hate hate hate her accent clutch and shoes.

So, when my (and Jen's) friend Sam got married the summer before last, I wore this color in her wedding and it was tough. I tanned for it. Not in a booth or anything, but sort of obsessively (and through sunblock, because I'm pretty obsessive about that too) on the beach for a week. Her wedding was beautiful and so were the pictures, and I like my share of light colored polos and headbands as much as the next girl, but I've always been iffy on formal pastels as a rule (I wore a strapless black ball gown to my high school prom in the year 2000, better know as the Year of Lavender, Spaghetti Straps and Butterfly Clips, if that's any indication). However, I loved Slumdog Millionaire (and am so psyched that apparently the rest of the world did too, and Freida Pinto was so good in it and she is so pretty and this dress is so pretty and she fortunately does have the coloring to pull it off, so, it's on my list. Also her diamond bracelet is killer.

I would probably wear this everywhere if there was any chance in hell I could fit even one of my boobs in it. Lucky Claire Danes. I think it's so pretty. And I guessed Carolina Herrera but it's Nina Ricci.

That's all. Have at it, haters! I know, I know. I'm from the East Coast and all, so...

On World Events...

2009-01-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

My boyfriend and I discuss recent MOST AWESOME legislation:

BF: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7847651.stm
Jennifer: I KNOW
I KNOW I KNOW! He's so awesome!
like, the US was denying all foreign family planning clinics $ if they even mentioned abortion... that's so mean, especially in places like Africa!
BF: i know
that’s a big F@ck up
Jennifer: talk about not respecting individual choice
BF: yes, let’s make the poorest people in the world have more kids that they obviously cannot afford and will starve to death
Jennifer: I know
BF: woo pro life! i wouldn’t exactly call that a life...
jokers
Jennifer: or, let the clinic rot that is helping people in lots of other ways besides killing babies
“oh, no malaria shot for you, we provide information about abortion!”
no, that's thing, I find that pro-life people are shockingly callous, when it comes to living people
BF: what’s that, you want advice on how to get safe drinking water?
sorry, excuse the pun, that advice dried up when the funding did!
Jennifer: like they really care about that fetus, but screw the mom, the rest of the family and environment
BF: so far he has: lifted this ban, given stem cell research the go ahead, closed Guantanamo… i hate to say it, but he has done more in 3 days than Bush did in 8 years
the last decade was such a shame, hopefully it will just be a small blemish on the history of mankind
Jennifer: I know!!! I am so happy about all of it
I also enjoy that he is treating his critics as if they were 5 years old
"My oath wasn't perfect? FINE. I WILL RETAKE IT SO YOU SHUT UP."
he's a really great person
BF: yeah
Jennifer: I hope he continues to be like that
BF: i think he'll be ok
imagine if they find a cure for cancer now because they can do stem cell research
i hope all those that were opposed to it never reap the rewards of it
Jennifer: yeah exactly... like, ok you don't believe in it? Fine, die.
I would totally donate my eggs for that; they can help people who can't walk
BF: but your eggs, although unfertilized could have been a baby!!!
how dare you!?!?
Jennifer: didn't you hear? I am pre-pre-pregnant, and must act so at all times
BF: exactly
Jennifer: I should take you to Planned Parenthood, they would love you
BF: although you are not, you have the potential to be pregnant
Jennifer: and I have to respect LIFE!!!1
BF: i was thinking though (even before Obama’s great speech) we should do some charity work for a couple of hours a week
Jennifer: sure
BF: cleanse the soul
Jennifer: I like killing babies, helping little kids, animals…
whatever you want to do
BF: i want to put shampoo in a rabbit’s eyes, what charity is that?

Not Trying To Start An East Coast/West Coast Thing, But...

2009-01-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

I am desperately trying not to channel my inner Biggie and lash out at a metaphorical Tupac, but COME ON PEOPLE, must I really point this out?! Fashion Capitals of the world: London, Paris, Milan and NEW YORK. Is L.A. mentioned as one? No? Does L.A. have a sad, sad little fashion week in which Lauren Conrad debuts her latest line of jersey dresses weeks after the Chanel show in Paris and Marc Jacobs in New York? YES.

Sorry guys, when it comes to knowing how to dress yourself without velour, New York wins. ALWAYS. I'm sorry if I never learned to appreciate highlights and piling on millions of trendy accessories; blame it on the cold weather, I just don't see it.

Now, I know there will be the haters who will all be like, "Bitch! I love my Juicy and you don't know anything!" so I am providing photographic evidence:

Yes. Here we have adorable Shenae Grimes acting a fool in my grandfather's sweater, velvet sweat pants and SPARKLY Uggs! jdkajdakljdllaldk! And we cannot say that such a concoction of random clothing is a rare event. It is not. Scan any celebrity photo blog and you will see many people (ok, all famous, but I'm thinking the non-famous people follow suit) in L.A. dressed in exactly the same manner.

And now, to drive my point home, not meaning to hate on the 90210 girls because I like that show and I think they are great and pretty, but I would like to be their stylist because they need a tiny bit of help, I give you Annalyne McCord and her sisters:

Whaaaaaaat? What's this? Leggings with a shirt that is clearly not a dress? A boob crushing vest with jodhpurs? Liquid leggings with some kind of religious scarf? Oh dear god, a Forever 21 exploded all over them, it's a miracle they weren't killed!

So, self righteous commentators professing that I know nothing and being from New York is somehow unfortunate for my sense of style, there you have it, proof! Nobody goes out like this in New York, ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

Deep Lunchtime Thoughts Over My Sandwich...

2009-01-21T10:30:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

I have a few things to comment on, so I decided to put it all in one post for convenience's sake.

First off, filed under Things I Refuse To Believe No Matter How Many Times You Tell Me, I give you Eva Longoria:

Yeah, she's doing the Katie Holmes' baggy jeans roll thing that was thrust upon us last year. Eva, I am more likely to believe Katie than you on all things fashion (as you normally run around in 1980's prom inspired evening dresses, alternating with Uggs and Juicy Couture), but for real for real, I am not getting on this bandwagon no matter how often you insist on doing it. Fashion fail.

Next, I would just like to remind everyone again that I would like to be Victoria Beckham when I grow up:

Perfect, as usual (even with the matching red shoes). All signs of my sudden transformation point to this not happening as 1. there already is a VB, and 2. I am kind of sloppy. So, I will instead be satisfied if she joins our Dream Team of Friends and let's me borrow her shoes and accessories ('cause we all know I am not getting my hulking marathon-ized thighs into any of her clothes).

Last, I give you PRESIDENT Obama and Michelle's first dance at the Inaugural Ball, soundtrack by Beyonce:

Not gonna lie, this brings a tear to my eye... They look so happy! Michelle's pretty dress! THEY TWIRL! Beyonce gets choked up! I am quite happy that we finally have a leader that I can believe in. Good luck to President Obama!

Come On People, You Can Never Have Too Much Cheese!

2009-01-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Seriously people, I think the main difference between men and women is that for women, nothing can ever be too cheesy! I love cheese; in fact I have never met a girl that ever has said that something is TOO cheesy. That would be girl sacrilege. I'm not saying boys don't/can't like cheese (my bf loves a good cheese plate, and this is why we get along) but I am saying that girls are the experts on cheese and are more apt at determining good cheese and proper cheesiness, therefore I find it offensive when Christopher questions my love for cheese:

Chris: i think this soup is slightly too cheesy even for my tastes

Jennifer: Oh I love it

but I am a girl and nothing can ever be too cheesy

Chris: no, i love cheese more than you

guaranteed -- every kind, any style, doesn't matter

Jennifer: no, I love cheese more than you, I am sure of it

Chris: no there is absolutely no chance of that

Jennifer: like, I feel like if there is one kind of food that I like more it is cheese

Chris: nope

Jennifer: wrong

Chris: no

Jennifer: also, you just said that it was too cheesy

I do not think it is... in fact, if I had sprinkled cheese on top of it it would have been perfect

Chris: i am realizing that it's not the cheese...

its the mashed potato that's screwing up slightly

Jennifer: since when have you developed a sensitive palate!?

Chris: never, I eat everything, and like it generally -- you know this

Jennifer: exactly, and this soup is perfect

Chris: you are the picky one

Jennifer: maybe you are sick

Chris: no, you are wrong

Jennifer: nope

and now, a rebuttal (and a chance at redemption for boys everywhere):

Jennifer: Chris says there is something off about the soup...

he thought it was the cheese, like it was TOO CHEESY

Boy co-worker: no such thing!

Happy inauguration Weekend!

2009-01-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Goodbye Mr. Bush, don't let the White House door hit you on your way out!

Anyway, Kim is making a pitstop in NY on her way down to cover (heh, I'm assigning you a story Kim) the inauguration! Right now, being the obsessive compulsive neat freak that I am (and living up to my mother's expectations) I am cleaning my apt for her. I would have done it anyway though, as the bf is out in Utah snowboarding and rubbing elbows with famous people at Sundance. I made the last part up. I have nothing interesting to say so I am going to stop now.

Much better.

2009-01-15T17:17:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Kim

So happy to see Vogue does right by Blake (of course it does! ... although ... her arm is still vaguely Barbie-snappy-off...-y...overlooking, overlooking!), unlike that W cover that was such an atrocity I'm choosing not to link to my post about it ...

I love her lipstick! (And her hair, per usual, but, the lipstick is something I feel I can actually emulate, so, there you go.)

Does anyone know who made that bracelet, and where I can get it for a few grand less than I'm sure it goes for?

In other news, I'm off to our nation's capital to witness history next week. Over to Jen!

On journalism today.

2009-01-15T17:06:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

RE: Today's plane crash

Jennifer: I was like checking cnn, and ny1

and I was like, fuck it, gawker scoops everyone

of course they do

We are of course incredibly relieved/happy that everyone who was on board is safe.

Revenge.

2009-01-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

To follow up Jen's most recent post, and embark on my new resolution to blog more often, I am here to get Jen back for outing me as a Sometimes-Squeeing-Robert-Pattinson-Crush-Haver the other day. I may even add in extraneous gushing punctuation where I see necessary. Hmmph.

Re: Twilight 3 (she has me doing it now, see, but I'm going to spare you the conversation we had during which I tried to force her to accept how much sense the actual titles make and she started going on about solar eclipses coming before twilight), we had a talk that went something like this:

Kim: Did you finish Twilight 2? Did you love how Edward [spoiler spoiler spoiler] SPARKLING [spoiler]?!

Jen: YES. And I bought Twilight 3 at the airport - so the salesclerk will never see me again!

Kim: Twilight 3 is the BEST. Wait. Was it hardcover?

Jen: Yes. $20!!!11!

Kim: Omg. I can't believe you spent $20 on it. DO NOT spend $20 to get Breaking Dawn. I mean, Twilight 4. I got them both for less than $20 on Amazon. I will give you Twilight 4 on Saturday. It's not worth $20. I mean, unless you want the whole collection for yourself ...

Jen: Um.

Kim: HA. YOU DO. Wait. Does this mean you're keeping my copy of Twilight 1? In that case, you can just keep my Twilight 4 too. I'll already be incomplete.

Jen: No, I will get it. You can have your Twilight 1 back.

Kim: I cannot believe we are both going to have full Twilight collections. BECAUSE OF YOU. (ed: That last fragment was just added now, I will admit. But it's TRUE. And Jen doesn't even like to have things in her apartment.)

Um, You Guys?

2009-01-14T07:55:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

I'm on the third Twilight, purchased at Chicago O'Hare, knowing that the bookseller would never see me again.

Though, to my defense, I didn't read as much of it as I wanted to on the plane because of the trio of fabulous gay boys, drunk from authentic Mexican tequila on their way back from Cancun, who insisted on singing Beyonce and Rent with me (or rather, they sang while I drank a Bloody Mary). Love them.

Linking Directly To Gawker Is Cheap, But...

2009-01-08T14:38:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Oh god, this is just too good to pass up: http://gawker.com/5126704/the-citys-secretly-trashy-nevan-tried-to-swap-drugs-for-a-blow-job

Obviously I totally refuse to watch this show, and am still a little perplexed at the fake geography that Kim tried to explain to me earlier today*, but it seems as if Olivia's "classy" uptown friends are actually pretty trashy. Oh also, don't worry Whitney, I met tons of douche-y guys my first year in the city and after a while you get smart and learn how to spot them, despite what your fake socialite friends are saying. It might take you a little longer than it did me (like your entire life).

*Kim explains The City's new NYC geography:

Jennifer: Uptown vs. Downtown?
really really?
Kim: omg, Jen. yes, really.
Jennifer: they are fucking stupid!
I had to swear to show my disgust
Kim: but they all dont go north of Canal Street, like, ever.
Jennifer: is that even a real thing? Have I just never heard of this? Too bad W works on 14th street... is she ok up there?
Kim: oh, yes. because that is "Uptown"
Jennifer: also, all of the clubs they prob go to are in Meatpacking/Chelsea, right? Where is that?
Kim: Uptown
Tribeca/Meatpacking = Uptown. Seriously.
I'm like, dude, Olivia eats at Sarabeth's and lives on 5th! COME ON.
Like they want to do Uptown/Downtown, but the socialites refuse to look stuffy and untrendy, so they have equated Tenjune with Uptown. And Gramercy Park with Downtown.
Jennifer: all of the boys in the promo pictures look like they are from Hoboken!
Kim: lol, yes. The boys are just as trashy as The Hills ones: there's the musclebound one and the dirty rocker, and then the "Uptown boys" are gay. And ugly.
Jennifer: there has actually been a lot of shit talking on Page 6 about that show -- they hate them too, so that's good.
Kim: I was like, no no no. I mean, they are right that some people are snotty and socialites are prob bitchy, but it's present so ... Hills-like. and contrived.
Jennifer: Olivia is a BAD socialite though! She isn't even a real one, she tried to be!
Kim: like they keep being like, 'DONT LET WHITNEY GET CAUGHT UP WITH THE DOWNTOWN CROWD!'
and I'm like, oh, no, why? She might hang out with an NYU grad and listen to some shitty music? who cares?
Jennifer: Question, if 14th street is Uptown and SoHo is Downtown and clearly they don't go to the Financial district, then where exactly do I live?
Kim: Upstate.
Yes, New York has been shrunk so much to include a 12-block radius, it seems.
No wonder they only went to one club in LA. they don't like to take into account the fact that cities have actual neighborhoods.
Jennifer: Do they ride the train?
Kim: no. they walk.
duh. it's East Village to West, nbd.
Jennifer: I guess if they can't leave those 15 blocks there isn't a point.
Kim: It's not like they go far: work at DVF, eat at Nero, go to Tenjune.
Then hop over to Gramercy to visit Erin the Downtown Friend.
lol
Jennifer: But Gramercy is "Uptown", like above 14th... How is she downtown?
Kim: NO IT ISN'T WATCH THE SHOW JEN.
Jennifer: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
HAAAAAAAAA
Kim: Um, NYU is cool like Downtown Jen, deal with it. Tt really has nothing to do with location whatsoever.
Jennifer: oh ok, so it's a state of mind, not a geographical location.

'Oh, a dinner party! That's so New York!'

2009-01-08T06:39:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Last night I drank a vodka soda immediately after working out, and, hey, guess what happens when you do that? Severely. Wasted. But I actually didn't do anything overly stupid once Severely Wasted (I managed to complete that daily requirement at the gym, actually, when I was That Girl who malfunctioned on the treadmill - note I did not say on a malfunctioning treadmill - who somehow went from running to, you know, sort of on the ground. Oh, shoelaces, you are diabolical).

No, no. I just somehow convinced the cute boy ... er, man ... boy ... man ... that I probably have a giant crush on that we should catch up on (read: start watching) The City.

Cut to me, still in my gym clothes and sweaty ponytail and drunk face, 20 minutes later, tirading around my living room. Like we're talking obscene hand gestures, and fluctuating intonation due to intense rage.

Jen warned me that this would happen, but I refused to listen, because, see, I like Whitney Port. Well, I liked her on The Hills, anyway, cause she was sort of the voice of reason amidst the mindsuck, the one person with ambition in the middle of the vacuous hole of 'life' they were projecting to be what LA is all about. Of course, with The Hills I just totally bought it and adored it, in that way that anyone from/living in/having lived in/who prefers New York, etc., would, because, as that Sex and the City episode taught us, we are preconditioned to hate LA. But of course, like the same episode taught us, we are wrong in doing so for a number of reasons, all largely relating to the weather. But when it comes down to it, we still believe the myths. Not the myths Angelinos themselves think the rest of the world believes (you know, that they are all beautiful and rich and glam and celebrities) but the myths that they're all tacky and new money and vapid and annoying. You know, it's totally not fair, in all likelihood. But The Hills totally plays it up, and the nation totally eats it up.

So of course I was like, well, good thing they can't portray New York shittily. It's impossible! New York will beat even the most contrived of life manipulations and MTV-approved stereotypes! It's NEW YORK.

And well. New York looks great. The fashion is better (no thanks to Whitney, actually, who, as Jen has noted, somehow managed to lose the fashions sense she inexplicably had in LA when she moved to a place where people actually know what's up, but thanks to the fact that she works at DVF so we're treated to runway shows pretty often, and because Erin and Olivia do the respective hipster/socialite looks well), the music is the same, the boys are just as douchey but cooler, and the real estate is remarkably similar despite the fact that, hi, that's sort of impossible, but whatevs.

But omg, The City. You lost me at dinner parties being 'so New York' and then you buried me when, immediately after hammering home what is apparently going to be the show's niche, the 'Uptown vs. Downtown' thing (I mean, hi, see Gossip Girl, and it's Manhattan vs. Brooklyn, kthxbye), and then having uptown princess Olivia throw her New York-style dinner party at her penthouse apartment ... in Tribeca. Uh. I mean, yes, the line between Tribeca and say, Gramercy Park, or Soho, is evident. But Tribeca also isn't uptown, like, in any sense of word/location/behavior, but I guess they're going with its proximity to the Meatpacking District and how that's the trendiest and sparkliest and fashionyest and all those down and dirty Downtown hipsters are gonna be hanging exclusively at 151 sporting blunt bangs and lots of plaid and leggings, while the Uptown crowd lives at Tenjune, and, oh, hey! They're at Tenjune. Shocker.

Okay, but the kids of art dealers bit was hilarious, as was Olivia and what a bitch she is in general. Especially talking about her cotillion and Manolos, like, omfg. Also they do a good job of showing that Whitney really might be too naive for New York, although the subsequent throwdown between men over her affections is really pretty New Jersey of them, but, eh, one's Australian and the other's from, I don't know, California or Texas or something, so, sure.

I'm probably going to watch this religiously and fly into fits of rage on a weekly basis, now. But at least it's making me sit back and take a look at what MTV can do to stereotype your entire city and make it look like it's full of idiots, and so now I should take back some of my preconceived notions about LA, largely drawn from The Hills. Except, I won't.

When is Lauren coming to The City?

Sincerely Thanking The Anonymity of The Internet...

2009-01-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

I have a confession. Kim will not be surprised, but I want -- no, need -- to come clean and will do it under the anonymous blanket of the internet. It's like confessing behind the partition at church except without the lying about what you really did part. Anyway:

IREALLYLIKETWILIGHTMORETHANISHOULDANDIFEELGUILTY
BECAUSEIAM26ANDNOT16!!!

Ahhh.

So, I went to go see the movie in theaters because if anything, you know I love watching pretty 22 year olds playing pretty teenagers (re: Gossip Girl, any teen horror movie, and more recently, the new 90210 -- might as well come completely clean since I am confessing), and who doesn't love vampires? Anyway, I liked the movie, and didn't feel that bad because I always like movies like that -- you know, the deliciously good to watch kind that are all fluff with little substance... The kind that people who brag about listening to only NPR roll their eyes at, because it draws throngs of screaming teenage to the premier.

I am no screamer, ever, just to put that out there. Kim squees sometime and I might squeak at a cute animal but I would never, ever scream over anything, really. Not in that way at least; maybe if someone was actually trying to murder me or something.

But I digress... Kim found the first Twilight book (I am aware that they all have different names but I will call them Twilight 1-4 out of laziness) at Marshalls for like $7 and had to buy it because even though she hasn't admitted it outright, I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Robert Pattinson and just wanted an excuse to think about/visualize him more, but actually ended up really liking it in the process. She then sent it to me for xmas, and now I have a problem.

Who wouldn't like this? It is like reading crack laced candy with sexy, sexy vampires. I love it and it's addicting and yet my inner intellectual -- the one that comes out occasionally in between episodes of GG or thinking about shoes to scoff at The Davinci Code, or to edit my boyfriend's grad school application essay or to question the meaning of life -- is SO ASHAMED! IT IS FOR TEENAGERS AND IT ISN'T EVEN WRITTEN WELL BUT YET I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! GAHHHH!

Not to mention the real actual problems I should have with it, regardless of what audience it was written for. The author's religious message, the fact that she portrays Bella as an independent woman despite the fact that the story is decidedly non-feminist and the general lack of adjectives besides "granite".

I don't care though, I really don't. And I think to myself, "Self, if you had a sexy, sexy real life vampire whispering into your ear about maybe believing in God while he was grazing your neck with his perfect mouth, would you care about religious debate?" and the answer is always a resounding, giant, NOOOOO! And that answer is giving me some kind of identity crisis because I think I stand for some stuff (Stuff! See I'm forgetting it already!) but I could easily be deterred by perfect beauty. Sigh, nobody tell Gloria Steinem, ok?

Oh, so the point of my post: tonight after work I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the second book. After perusing the new paperback fiction as not to make anyone suspicious about my mission, I casually headed to the teen section and immediately started sweating with embarrassment. Everyone else in the store was clearly buying Proust while I was standing there looking decidedly young in my dirty Converse, puffy jacket with fur around the hood and purple stripe-y gloves. And they obviously all knew what I was looking for and were silently laughing at me.

After circling the teen section unable to find Twilight 2, thinking that since I had regressed to reading children's books I clearly couldn't find one by alphabetical order anymore, I decided to ask an employee. I was horrified and slid over to one, sweating, and had the following exchange:

Me: Um hi. Do you have that book... Twilight?
Her: (Remarkably not phased about the fact that a 26 year old was asking for it) Yeah, it's on the big table in the middle of the store by the escalator.

Great. Where everyone could see. I ran over to the table, grabbed the book and sprinted to the register to pay, hiding the cover against my jacket.

The cashier did not break out in laughter either, if you were wondering. So maybe I got all worked up over nothing, or maybe she silently judged and I should be ashamed , I don't know; it was the NY Times #1 Bestseller after all, so maybe I am not pathetic, but rather just following the crowd. Anyway, internal conflict aside, all that really matters is that I finally got Twilight 2, AND AM SO EXCITED!!! And I won't have to ever relive the B&N horror ever again because now I know exactly where the Twilight table is.

It Is Steve Madden, Not Manolo ...

2009-01-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Posted by: KimI've been looking for a pair of really great tall, flat boots for a while now. Initially I wanted riding boots in dark brown, which somehow led to me buying an amazing pair of ... cognac boots ... mid-calf ... heeled ... see my problem? So I amended to black, and after listening to Jen sing the praises of the Steve Madden pair above (which she has in cognac) and applying a 35% off coupon she forwarded me, I was super excited to get my hands on these.

Have I mentioned the Kim Luck yet? Well, the Kim Luck is the exact opposite of luck, really. It's kind of a perpetual entity in my life too, but I really can't complain much because it's not like horrible, tragic things take place in my life daily, more like whatever can go wrong when it's concerning a not-so-important event, will. 110%. The most common reaction I get to most of my tales of woe is: "Of course that would happen to you." Hence, I fall down a lot. I get lost a lot. I spill things a lot. Stevemadden.com sends me the wrong color boots. Etc. It really just keeps things interesting.

So, anyway, the latest moment of Kim Luck led to the following conversation. I sort of hate to do it, because I love Steve Madden, really a lot. Every shoe I own by Steve Madden is a favorite: comfortable, attractive, affordable. Stevemadden.com, however, and its customer service? Pfft.

me: omg stevemadden.com or whatever FAIL AT LIFE.

Jennifer: OMG

I saw that this am (note: "That" refers to my furious text the night before, which read, : "The fucktards sent cognac!!!")

Jennifer: those are the ones I have though, aren't they pretty?

are you sending them back?

me: okay, so, sending me the wrong color is annoying, but what happened after is the reallllly dumb part.

yes, they were very pretty, haha.

but i already have cognac boots.

Jennifer: what happened?

me: so there was this letter enclosed, that was like, CALL US IMMEDIATELY if your order is not as expected! we love helping! or some such shit.

and then it was like, 'p.s., just so you know, we don't do exchanges, because we get screwed sometimes and would rather screw you.'

like it pretty much said that

even snottier.

Jennifer: they don't exchange?

me: it was like, 'our products are in high demand, so if you dont like what you got, suck it. you can return but not exchange.'

I KNOW.

so i was like, okay, that's dumb, but whatever,

me: i'm not exchanging, i am getting what i ordered.

Jennifer: yeah.

what did they say?

me: so i call, and the guy's like, 'oh man, sorry about that. i am sending a free return label to your email right now.'

'you mail them back from any post office'

and i was like, 'okay, super...um, then what?'

and he was like, 'then you wait til it gets to the warehouse, and within 30 days after that you will get refunded.'

and i was like, 'okayyyy ... what about my boots?'

and he was like, 'oh, you have to order them again. didn't you see? we dont exchange.'

and i was like, !!!!

'but you guys messed up! im not exchanging cause i didn't know my size or felt like changing colors! my order slips say all over them they are black boots, and they are not!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, but *recites no exchange policy about how sm is too cool for customer service*'

and i was like, 'but ... i had a 35% off coupon, and free shipping!'

and he was like, 'well there will be no charge to ship them back, only on the new ones.'

Jennifer: HAH!

me: and i was like, 'omg, okay, i gotta speak to someone else.'

Jennifer: that is ridiculous

me: and he was like, 'they will tell you the same thing!'

Jennifer: they always say that

and thennnn ...

me: so i was like, 'okay, then, i demand you give me my 35% coupon and free shipping on all accounts because THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!'

and he was like, 'i am very sorry, i am not authorized to issue coupons. and i have explained our exchange policy!'

Jennifer: did you demand to talk to someone else again?

me: and i was like, 'yes, and it is extremely unsatisfactory, as are you. please put a supervisor on. NOW.'

Jennifer: good for you

me: so this super comes on and i'm like, 'hi, okay, before you recite your inane no exchange policy, which just so you know is pretty much the most assured way to LOSE SALES, i've already heard it.

'i get it. I need to return my boots AND re-order, thus wasting my time cause you messed up. but i refuse to pay more for the pair of boots i ordered in the first place.'

and she was like, 'alright, that's fine. i will send out the correct boots for the same price and you will not be charged any shipping.'

and i was like, 'okay. now explain how payment works.'
and she was like, 'well, because we don't do exchanges because we can't get screwed eff you, what happens is ... you will get your refund in 30-45 days. but you will be charged for the new boots when they ship in one to three days.'

and i was like, 'DID YOU JUST HEAR YOURSELF?! THIS IS RETARDED!'

and she was like, 'miss, do you not understand the policy?' and i was like, 'i am YELLING AT THE POLICY!'

Jennifer: oh so they'd double charge you until they get the boots

that is really bad.

me: 'because for up to a week, i will be out $200 and have NO boots'

'and for a month i will have a pair of boots for double the cost!'

and she was like, 'well, we can't get screwed. i mean, what if your return gets lost in the mail?'

Jennifer: oh god.

me: and i was like, 'I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULD EMPLOY FACTORY WORKERS WHO CAN READ THE WORD BLACK?!'

and then i was like, 'FINE. i am keeping my order ONLY because i REALLY want these. but i wont order from you again. and if for some reason, i am not refunded, i will sue you.'

haha.

and she was like, 'that's dramatic.' and i was like, 'i'm not getting screwed because your policy PLANS for it. duh. i have free legal representation!'

so i bought delivery confirmation on my package.

i am so mad.

maybe i am overreacting a little, but isn't that so dumb?

they fuck up, so i get charged twice for up to 45 days?

RECESSION, ASSFACES!

Jennifer: well I mean, it's absolutely stupid that they are setting it up so that you lose your money if something bad happens because of their mistake

but at least she gave you the same price and free shipping

but I would be really pissed too

about having to wait and shell out all of that money

me: yes. although i really don't see how they could do business if they didn't offer that. it would be absurd.

like this is already ridiculous, but being like, 'oh, you ordered on sale but we sent the wrong thing, bummmmmmerrrr', would be out of control.

i'm not losing my money, lol

i will call them every day after i see the package is delivered back to the warehouse if i don't hear from them.

Jennifer: I did that with urban outfitters

I had to call them three times to correct my address because they like, said they did and didn't

and then when it was in their warehouse I called them to tell them

and they were like, "Ooohhh. Cool. We'll send it out then."

me: wtf

Jennifer: so when are you getting the boots

me: i don't know. i guess soon.

i haven't gotten an email saying they shipped yet, like she said I would.

Jennifer: HAH

Jennifer: Figures.obviously they WOULD send you the wrong color.

me: YES I KNOW.

when i opened the package and saw it said 'cognac' on the box i seriously like barfed in fury.

Jennifer: HAHAHA

me: and then i stared at it for a while, being like, 'oh, maybe it's just the wrong BOX'

no.i got the order confirmation

lol

im totally like, donating $206 to steve madden.

sigh.

if my boots never come i am suing for SO MANY boots

Jennifer: yeah you could have [redacted] write a scary letter

me: lol, and steve madden's defense will be, 'well, you see, our products are in such high demand and so minimally produced, i mean, they are practically one of a kind couture, so we can't just fix our mistakes without covering our asses. it's not our fault she expected to receive her order!'

Jennifer: I know

what is that?

they make millions of those things

me: i know! i was seriously laughing at the verbiage of their policy in the first place!

Jennifer: it is steve madden, not manolo.

Whitney Port Shows She Has Learned Nothing From Diane, New York, Part 2: An Analysis of The Hills Finale Party

2008-12-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So The Hills season finale was last night and all of the LA people were not surprisingly, really stupid and left the warm goodness of SoCal and came to frozen New York. Anyway, I don't watch the show because I don't have cable (I really do miss the Saturday all day marathons when I am hungover and have to watch PBS), but I did notice a few things about our favorite totally real people who happen to have a tv show:

1. Whitney Port has apparently proven that NY drugs are way harder than the kind found in LA. Case in point:

Like, WTF is this? Did she rob Stevie Nicks AND a Hawaiian Tropic girl on the way to the party? In her NY hard drug fueled euphoria did she craft a stolen lei from said Hawaiian Tropic girl into a seriously bad headband? People, this is a woman who has her own clothing line and "WORKS" in fashion. I gag. And Diane probably threw up all over herself when she saw the photos this morning.

2. I love Lauren's dress!

Sparkly! Simple! Well played! If I could fix ONE thing about this, it would be to tell L to stop doing her stupid "I'm a little teapot pose." Seriously, think of something else. Now every one laugh at how deranged/goofy Whitney looks next to Lauren!

3. What recession?

Lauren's Philip Lim dress costs $925 dollars AND IS SOLD OUT in most sizes! Really? Now I'm sad because I can't buy it even if I could afford it. Or wanted to spend what I pay for rent on a dress. Oh also, if you have a couple grand left after you buy your beautious PL sparkly wonder dress, Net-A-Porter suggests you pair it with some Louboutins and a Jimmy Choo clutch. I say, if we're all going to the breadline, we might as well look fabulous!*

* J/K, J/K, J/K FOR REAL.

Dear Paris Hilton, Why?

2008-12-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Oh Paris, for someone who shops like, ALL THE TIME, you really suck at it. Let's review:

1. Weird freaky faux belt shirt resembling an ugly belt that I would not wear if it were real, let alone drawn on to a shirt. Why do you want a fake belt "belting" your boobs?

2. An A-Line business-y skirt that almost covers your knee? Are you going for a job interview at the ugly shirt store?

3. OMG, no -- OMFG!!!1 -- ARE THOSE RED PATENT SLINGBACKS WITH TIGHTS? Dear Jesus, when did you become a 75 year old woman?!

On Xmas Xchanging

2008-12-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Kim: UM DID YOU LIKE THE CARD HI Jennifer: it looks like you bought it

that is a compliment

Kim: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT

Jennifer: I can't wait til you see mine

Kim: IT WAS MADE WITH SO MUCH LOVE

i bought the stamp with you in mind! Jennifer: lol I probably appreciate the xmas penguin more than most

Kim: yes. some people want mangers and messiahs. i know you prefer arctic birds in hats.
Jennifer: christmas is about animals in hats, elves and drinking
Jennifer: anything else, I do not care for

every now and then my mom would get a jesus card

it was always such a disappointment

Tonight Is My Office Xmas Party

2008-12-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So I'm feeling festive. And so I give you: hedgehog in a sombrero!

If you're looking for a fun, reasonably priced holiday dress ...

2008-12-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

... allow me to point you in the direction of the Gap.

No, really. I'm sure you're having one of two thoughts ("the ... Gap? For realz?" or "Yeah. Obviously Kim would like the Gap.") and neither of them are exactly positive, but, I swear. Cute. Affordable. If I didn't have a closet so full it's starting to wake me up at night covered in a cold sweat of shame and guilt, I'd be all over half a dozen or so on the site.

As it is, I leave it to others. I'll shop vicariously.

www.gap.com

Buy (Red) Save Lives while you're at it.

Drunken Rant: Hey 303, Go Fuck Yourself!

2008-12-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so wasn't going to blog because I went to happy hour and kept going and it's 2am, but then I got home and was eating delicious delicious Life cereal while watching stupid Carson Daily because Gideon Yago was on and I was interested because he is a legit reporter and then they went to the musical guest which was this band called 303 and I have no idea what it means but I am assuming it is an area code -- wait let me google it -- IT IS AND IT'S DENVER -- came on and OH MAN were they offensive/lame.

Ok, ok, ok. I know that last paragraph was a run-on sentence but work with me, I've had like eleventeen drinks and am trying. so. hard. to. type. properly. These dumb Colorado dudes had puppets and were dressed up as a fireman and a police officer and the song that they sang contained the following lyrics:

"Don't trust a ho
Never trust a ho
Won't trust a ho, that won't trust me

Shhhh girl, shut your lips
Do the Hellen Keller
And talk with your hips "

And I was like, YO, DENVER, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Like who the fuck does that? OMG. And all of the horrible LA people that go to Carson's stupid show were like rocking out in their Kitson and I almost choked on my Life cereal. I find these lyrics to be ridiculously retarded/offensive, especially coming from two ugly dudes who can barley sing and clearly got signed because their "thing" was puppets. Like really, really? HELLEN KELLER? Oh jesus. EPIC FUCKING FAIL.

Eric Will Not Be Getting His Own Show

2008-12-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So that pesky rumor about a Gossip Girl spin off that was making us all nervous about which character would leave the show and commit career/show suicide by breaking up the pure magic that is GG? Totally true! But fear not everyone, Chuck is NOT leaving. And Eric is not getting his own show -- he seemed like the only logical one to me, because he is underused and totally awesome!!!

From Star Magazine:

"A network insider says the spin-off will center around the younger lives of Blake Lively and Penn Badgely's on-screen parents, played by Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle.

"The show will focus on the early romance between Lily and Rufus," says the insider. "It begins when they first meet, during a time when Rufus and his band are at the height of their career. The show will follow the high society and rock 'n' roll lifestyle in New York."

...The source denies rumors that an original cast member will be leaving the show to join the spin-off. Instead, two new actors will be hired to play the young Lily and Rufus. Producers are planning to introduce the new couple during a flashback scene in an upcoming episode of Gossip Girl."

Well, that actually doesn't sound like it will totally suck, as long as they make young Rufus and Lily waaaay more interesting. But I mean, an 80's version of Gossip Girl, with 80's New York and 80's fashion? Well, well Josh Schwartz, you've sparked my interest...

GIVE IT TO ME!

2008-12-10T09:01:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So you'd think Whitney Port would take a look at Diane von Furstenberg's Pre-Fall collection (Pre-fall? Really? Like am I supposed to want this in August '09? Because if I got the collection for xmas I would wear it every day.) and suddenly know how to dress herself. But she does not, and will probably continue to not take the example of the PURE GENIUS that is Diane!

An amazing party dress? Count me in! Throw a long cardigan over that and wear it to work... At least once a week for a year to justify the cost!

I drool. I know it's simple, but simple is best: a great color and you know that fabric would fall perfectly. I would jazz it up with some gold jewelry but Kim could also wear it with a string of long pearls! We'd both look fabuloussssssss.

Oh hello! I would wear this while having some type of adventure on a slightly gray day in Paris. Chocolate croissants would be eaten and it would involve a motorcycle ride. NEED IT.

You can see the rest of it here: http://fabsugar.com/slideshow/2572932

Two Videos You Will DIE Over!!!1

2008-12-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Hooolllyyy shit. It's a hedgehog, eating a carrot, and somebody filmed it, and then put it up on YouTube! I die. I die I die I die!

And if you thought it couldn't get ANY better, I give you "Hamster on a Piano, Eating Popcorn", the musical:

For realz, I DO believe in Santa because this is all I want for Christmas!

Life Altering Realization Of The Day:

2008-12-08T13:46:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Jen

So today, for the first time in my life, I found out that Candlepin Bowling is not a nationwide sensation (or a lame gym class field trip when you were 8) but rather indigenous to New England. So imagine my surprise when asking my friend Chris (also featured below in my traumatic hair emergency post -- Kim is having G Chat issues today and isn't available) the totally normal "Big balls or little balls" question and getting this answer:

Chris: i bowled a 170 too, i haven't bowled that high in forever.

Jennifer: is it big or little balls?

Chris: huh? bowling balls

they are all the same size

Jennifer: no

candlepin ones are smaller

Chris: "candlepin"? wtf?

Jennifer: for real!

Chris: are you being foreign on me? dont do that.

bowling balls

regular balls

Jennifer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candlepin_bowling

oh ok, so I am a Canadian freak apparently.

Chris: i've never seen that ever in my life

Jennifer: oh, well that was the only kind of bowling I did until college

Chris: wow

Jennifer: and then I was like "Oooh big balls! Like on The Simpsons!"

Chris: weird do they even have that in new york?

Jennifer: this is hilarious, I thought everyone had it

Chris: yeah ive never even heard of it

Jennifer: "Candlepin bowling is a variation of bowling that is played primarily in the Canadian Maritime provinces and in the New England states of Maine, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire." says Wikipedia!

Mind blown. I am sorry that the children of the world have never gotten to participate in such a great sport. In fact, it makes me actually appreciate big ball bowling more just because Candlepin is so fucking hard. Going from Candlepin to big ball bowling (I will never call it "Stadium" or "10 Pin") is like not wearing shoes your whole life and walking on gravel and then suddenly being handed a pair of Chanel flats! You people have no idea how hard I had it with those tiny balls and wooden pins.

On Severe Regret...

2008-12-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Ok, so every now and then I get the urge to chop off my hair, do so, severely regret it, swear to never do it again, grow it out happily for two years and then repeat the agonizing process for some reason. You'd think I'd learn but I DO NOT. Anyway, the latest incarnation of hair mistake is a long bob that makes me look like I am 8. My hair is way to thick and wavy to pull this off and I am seriously depressed. I am considering going back to get it fixed but I do not know how it would be fixed and it's either that or let it grow and look shitty for three months. This is the worst thing ever.

Chris: i saw your facebook status, you're not happy?

Jennifer: no I hate it

Chris: maybe you can use this as a fancy fun hat stage

Jennifer: no, it's the bottom that I don't like... my bangs are fine

Chris: the bottom ? the back?

Jennifer: like the sides and everything

it's just stupid, and I really hate it

Chris: you took a risk though and that's cool, i'm sure its not nearly as bad as you think

Jennifer: yay I am cool for a risk! I can tell people that.

"excuse my hair, I know I look like shit, but please realize I am cool for it!!!"

Chris: should i walk up stairs and look or would you rather no one looked at you right now
Jennifer: I'm hiding and I don't want to talk about it because I will cry

seriously, I'm going to like, pee in the trashcan or something, whenever I have to go

Chris: well did you at least do something fun this weekend to make up for it

Jennifer: yeah but I didn't have as much fun as I would have if I had long hair

Regarding "Twilight" again ...

2008-12-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

I meant to do this a couple of weeks ago, but I've been off my game. Anyway, here we go:

Dear Robert Pattinson,

I apologize for all of the nasty things I said about your promotional covers in my previous Twilight post of epic length. You ARE Edward Cullen, and I love you.

Love, Kim

So, I saw Twilight ... um, twice, maybe (I only paid once though, I do have some boundaries) and I loved it and I love Edward Cullen and I love Robert Pattinson and I love Alice and Jasper (my favorite Twilight couple, so much cooler than Bella and Edward) and the people who played them even if they weren't utilized nearly enough, and I really wish whatever that Iron & Wine song at the end was had been made in time for my prom. Also, Bella was way less annoying in the movie than she is in the book, so that was cool, even if Kristin Stewart exudes bitchery even while she's acting, but, whatever. Yay, Twilight movie! Fan, here.

But back to the books. So after my ''it sucks but in an addictive way'' reaction to the first book, I got the rest. And they got progressively better! Hey! To the point that I totally loved the third one, Eclipse. Loved. Unabashedly. But, world, now here I am stuck about halfway through the fourth and final one, and all I can say is

WHAT.

WTF.

RENESMEE?!

It ... I really thought I had words going into this, but, as I was trying to explain to my new-Twilight-fan sister who is currently in the midst of Eclipse bliss, the fourth book IS WHACK. Currently the only character I still like is Carlisle, I am ready to go smack anyone who dares talk about the magic that is baaaaaaaaabieeeees, and I am about ready to revoke all my glowing-and-grudging praise of this epic vampire love saga if the final installment doesn't shape up and quick, because, again: WHAT THE HELL.

Also, there is no way in Hades that this one can ever be made into a movie anywhere in America that its target audience (you know, tween girls) will be allowed to see without adult accompaniment and nightmares for life.

Jen. Read these books. We need to discuss.

Jenny Humphrey's Pout Makes Me Nervous...

2008-12-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

Like seriously Little J! What is with your face on red carpets? We are not always doing high fashion; I'd like to see a little catalogue and see you smile and not look like you are about to bite off my face.

However, your dress is amazing and I applaud your or your stylist's fashion sense. I wonder: Jenny (Taylor, whatevs) is 15 years old. I at 15 was wearing Doc Martens, stripe-y sweaters and a jacket similar to the one favored by George Costanza -- and if Jenny is actually dressing herself, then she is a certified child genius, and I won't worry as much about her running around NYC to grown-up parties because she can obviously handle it. And do my taxes.

Interrupting my unintentional blog neglect to say ...

2008-12-01T18:19:00.001-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Dear Gossip Girl writers:

1) Okay. I get it. You, or someone who pays you, has a giant hard-on for Vanessa. Probably the same someone with a giant hard-on for all the boring Brooklyn-based characters in this show about Upper East Siders (the only one I give a pass to is Jenny, because her storylines are interesting and despite her tendency to be obnoxious, she's probably the most realistically-portrayed character on the whole show). I could rant on that for a while, but, meh. Point? You can't make me like her. So while I accept that she's not getting written off the show any time soon, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO FORCE IT SO HARD OMFG! Ugh. So her raison d'etre is that she's Nate's One True Luv? And she finally comes down off her high, high horse and admits she was wrong ... when she is presented with material gifts! Oh, how moral and refreshingly down-to-earth. Heh. Also, blech. You JUST started developing Nate's character in the last episode, so while he may be obscenely hot and while it was 70% adorable (30% yucky) that he kissed her while she was leaking snot down her face, I don't buy the looooove. It got lost after they were cute and normally developed for 13 seconds and then abandoned immediately last season. Ew, V, go back to Vermont, you stupid judgey letter-stealy bitch.

2) Um, so, Jen just texted me V+N 4Eva! Apparently I lose.

I forget what else I was going to say.

3) Oh yeah. Lily's dress intrigued me greatly. Blair looked pretty. Blair's twin did as well. Everyone else, um, Swan Lake much? Oh, but also? Chuck's twin? With the Chuck mouth/Chuck face? Incredible. Like you could actually see that Ed Westwick was not 'acting' his amusement and was just straight up laughing at the kid. Awesome.

4) Rufus/Lily bore me as well.

OMG This Dog Will Haunt My Dreams!

2008-11-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I don't normally remember my dreams, or even have nightmares, and I am so glad because I know that this thing is what would be chasing me! HIS EYES ARE BURNING INTO MY SOUL!

Actually I don't even know if he HAS eyes; they just look like evil evil soul sucking cavities of evil. Who would have thought that such a creature with remarkable Heidi-like hair could be so scary?

You know how people are always like "If I were an animal what would I be?" (ok, maybe not "always like", but you know). Well I guess we now have the answer for Heidi. I'd probably be a spider monkey or an otter, just to let you know. Now please feel free to go back to being TERRIFIED.

On Baby Names, And Mistaking A Biblical Character For A Type Of Exercise

2008-11-21T09:40:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: Ashlee Simpson named her baby...
BRONX
for real
Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Kim: Mowgli like in The Jungle Book?!
BRONX. hee. heeeeee.
Jennifer: Oh my god, that is not even remotely ok like Brooklyn
Also, I do not believe Victoria Beckham was ever in Brooklyn to conceive
Kim: no. it's like Paris. except not as cool. and Paris was a name like when Shakespeare was writing shit.
Jennifer: yeah, so that's relatively ok, except I feel like P. Hilton has ruined the name for everyone
kind of like how you don't really see any Adolfs around anymore
Kim: hahaha, that was awesome
or like Pilates
whoa, that looks like pilates
how do you spell Pilate
Jennifer: like the Jesus killer kind?
umm
Kim: yes, lol
Jennifer: Pilate, I Googled it
and I wrote "pontius pilate" in my search because I only know it from that thing that people recite at church before communion
Kim: haha
good little ex-catholic

Confusion.

2008-11-19T17:57:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Last week sometime Jen and I discussed the phenomenon that is Twilight and how thus far this has been another instance of us living under some rock while the rest of the world pees its collective pants about something pop cultural.

This time, though, we came to the conclusion that this might be a bandwagon we could jump on, because we love vampires and pretty people, and the preview for the upcoming Twilight movie looks incredible. Incredible as in good, or incredible as in so bad it comes back around to awesome, well, that is to be determined. But, vampires. Pretty vampires.

Cut to Sunday morning, when I was impulse-purchasing heels at Marshalls (in my defense, Marshalls - I got two pairs that retailed at $85 and $125, respectively, for $40. Total.) and I noticed Twilight the book for sale in the checkout aisle for $7 and I really don't need much enabling, so, I bought that too.

Ahem. I have finished it. Hi, world? Pants-peeing, vamp-lusting, fangirly world? It's not good. And yet, I sort of get it. It's not good, it's not well-written, it's not well-developed plot-wise, and the heroine is rather absurd. But I couldn't put it down, and omfg, it's a series? I need the rest of them!

Right, so it's not good. As I was attempting to explain so to Jen, she said, "so is it bad like The DaVinci Code is bad?" which is the singlemost intelligent, best question she could have asked, and the answer is both yes and no.

Jen and I are the only two people I know who hated The DaVinci Code, but I refuse to believe we are wrong on this. Sorry, Mr. Brown, but you wrote a crappy book that snuck its way atop the best-sellers list and at least two people noticed. Like you care anyway. Enjoy the millions. However, I look up to you as a historian. See, my (and Jen's, though she can correct me if I am wrong) main problem with The DaVinci Code is that it was chock full of incredibly interesting historical (or biblical, if you prefer) allegories and "facts" ... that were then left abandoned and drowning without a prayer amidst an inane, retarded story. End result on my part? Rage. I had to force myself to finish it.

Twilight suffers from a similar problem, in that the historical perspective on the vampire clan, particularly when told from the perspective of the members of the tribal reservation (not to mention their own folklore) is really cool. Aaaand there's about, I don't know, 12 pages dedicated to it out of the 500-plus worth of relatively blahhhh teen drama and somewhat creepy "love" story. However, unlike with The DaVinci Code, teen drama and creepy love stories hold my interest, and so I kept tearing through the pages waiting for the awesome to come. It never did, really, but I'm intrigued enough to keep going. Of course, I'll probably be spitting nails by the time I finish the last book and they've all been shitty. But whatever.

As far as the movie goes? WHEN CAN I GET MY TICKETS?! OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE EDWARD ON SCREEN! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

But, alas. A question:

WHAT?

Okay, of the 500-whatever pages of this book, approximately 492 of them are dedicated to reveling in Edward the sparkly (yes, sparkly - there is an entire passage in which he is sparkling in the sun and it is discussed at length), broody vampire boyfriend's insane, otherworldy beauty. Ummm ... I'm no expert, but Jen and I do also love zombies and we did dress up like zombified versions of the main characters of our favorite TV show of all time (I'll let you envision what you wish) for Halloween, and, um, Edward is really looking a little zombie here. I mean, you know, like early stage zombie, before the decaying is totally complete, and clearly he didn't get bit in the face (as I did, on Halloween), but still. Zombie-esque. AND ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES ARE NOT THE SAME! To break it down, vampires = hot, zombies = not, this poster = not, this poster = not vampire. Yes? Yes.

Also, quick research informs me that this young man, Robert Pattinson, is in fact about 400 times hotter than this poster conveys. I mean, he's hot in a dirty, mildly creepy "I don't have to shower because I am dirty British rockstar-esque and that is my thing, with my hair grease and cigarettes" kind of way that never totally gets me all hot and bothered but certainly seems to do it for plenty of chicks. But point is, I've seen the preview, and now I've read the book, and while I probably would have sought out Henry Cavill or perhaps Chuck Bass himself, I approve of the casting. I get it. Edward is a vampire, and he is physically supposed to be perfect and painfully beautiful but he is not human, so they had to get someone who is, as I put it earlier and Jen approved, kind of fuckity beautiful. They couldn't just cast Chace Crawford and call it a day. It had to be someone kind of bizarrely attractive, someone variable, who, from the wrong angle or in the wrong light probably runs the risk of coming across as downright ugly, but in the right light and at the right angle is stunning. And I feel like they got it.

SO WHY IS THIS YOUR AD CAMPAIGN?!!!!? OMG.

It gets worse:

WHAT.

Also of note is that they both totally dyed their hair between poster/EW cover? Wtf. At least Bella is a total super-hottie on the EW cover. TOO BAD EDWARD IS NOT AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEFINITION OF HOT. I am just so confused. His belt is kind of cool, though.

Oh yeah, also, Re: Bella, I don't really care. I don't really care about Bella. I wouldn't be friends with her character in real life, I am pretty sure. This chick appears fine for the job.

I can't wait to see this movie.

And Jen? Vampire B&S? It could work ...

A Combo Of Elvira and Laura Ingalls Wilder

2008-11-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

OH WOW, what is this? A boobie dress with a dash of FLDS thrown in for fun? And do I detect (presumably knee high) leather pointy toed boots underneath that dress? How is she so confidently striking the teapot pose in this? Maybe Blake is a better actress than we thought! Or maybe she is now letting her GG stylist dress her in real life.

Update: After talking further about my horror at this monstrosity with Kim, I can now seriously say that this is the Ugliest Dress I Have Ever Seen. There, I said it.

But really, really! This is like Angela Chase's dream winter formal dress or something my kindergarten teacher wore in 1987. I can't get over it. SO BAD.

Lindsay Lohan's Leggings Cost $135

2008-11-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

NOW WE KNOW WHY LINDSAY WAS SEEN SPORTING FRINGEY BOOTS THAT COST 1k! At least 7.5 people have purchased her overly priced leggings! And I am talking about the kind with KNEEPADS or ZIPPERS, people. Well done Lindsay, I can now rest assured that you will not starve to death since you are not getting any work these days.

I am going to start a sock line. Some will have pom-poms, some will not, but they will all embody my youth and free spirit and general all around awesomeness. They are $85 each. Get in line ladies.

In Which We Foresee The Future:

2008-11-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim and Jen

Jennifer: if they actually did a vampire GG episode, I would probably die of happiness
Kim: HAHAHAHA
write it up, pitch it to josh schwartz.
Jennifer: I could, it will be for season 4, when GG inevitably goes crazy and gets cancelled
Kim: yes. that's totally what's happening.
like, right after vanessa and blair start dating and serena overdoses and dies.
Jennifer: like the last season of the OC, when Marissa was dead, and it was all, what, now we have to watch Summer and Seth and random sister
Kim: chuck and nate will turn into vampires.
Kim: i didn't like marissa anyway, she was totes the weak link.
it's like how i feel gg keeps telling me i care about rufus/lily vanessa, jenny, etc.
i really don't
well, i do like jenny most of the time, her storylines are good.
Jennifer: you know season 4 it will be the rufus/lily/v/jenny show right
Kim: but really im totally like BSNC, that's all i really care about.
Jennifer: S and B will have gone on to film
Kim: yeah. sigh. prob next season, jenny will be the star. and rufus and lily are like lead couple. i wont like it anymore.
Jennifer: yeah, sigh, dan will still be there
Ed Westwick will have OD'd in real life
Kim: awwww
but yeah
Jennifer: Chace will be handcuffed to my bed
Kim: YES
Jennifer: hahahaha
Kim: or at least have given up on 'acting'and been a model, like he was designed for.
duh, chace.
Jennifer: he screams Dolce and Gabbana to me -- like, he is their print ad boy
maybe even Versace, cause he's a little tacky but sooooooo pretty
Kim: yes. they can just slick back his hair pilot-style and pile on the blush.
Jennifer: yup, I'm envisioning a velor red blazer, tighty whities and big leather boots
Kim: ew
Jennifer: that's what they do! I didn't create it!
Kim: it was like, the unprettiest vision of chace imagineable, lol
Jennifer: but he'll make millions
Kim: oh yeah, and i mean, i'll still wallpaper my ceiling, it will just take me a few minutes.
Jennifer: and then successfully foray back into acting by being Samantha's boy toy in the 5th Sex and The City movie
Kim: oh, their futures are so bright: blake will have had 2 facelifts by the time she's 29
leighton ... i don't know. in theory she should be okay, but i could see her leaving gg to do movies and then not getting work again ever and just being D-list with carter baizen.
and vanessa will obviously disappear.
or be on GG, the new class.
Jennifer: a teacher at the prep school
Kim: yes, exactly. possibly married to dan.
or a lesbian.
Jennifer: eric is already gay
they used that one too early
Kim: oh, he'll be fine though.
he'll leave at like the end of this season to go win 4 oscars and cure aids.
i love eric.

My Internet Is Broken At My House And I Have Canceled All Thinking Until After The Marathon

2008-11-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Jen

This is what I look like right now. Kind of.

Excuses, excuses. I am running the Philly Marathon next weekend and all of the training has finally caught up to me. I am way too pooped to rifle through photos of Whitney Port's latest monstrosity or to yell about politics, because while I am PISSED about Prop 8 in CA (I have many thoughts, they will come someday, but good god people, no one wanted to teach your children sodomy and no one was gonna force you to watch, and your marriage would still be as just special as Britney's 24 hour quicky in Vegas, I promise), I am generally still happy/smug about Obama's win. Also, I somehow managed to break my internet at my house, and only get 2 bars when I steal from my neighbors, and I am NEGLECTING THE BLOG AND I AM SORRY. And now I have to go back to work/alternately stare off into space out of sheer exhaustion. Sorry dudes. XOXO

Amazing.

2008-11-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

Posted by: Kim

Chuck/Ed is the most amazing person ever. Let's discuss:

Head-to-toe velour. Paisley scarf. Loafers (or are they slippers?) adorned with skulls and crossbones.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I even can discuss, I'm too busy gawking in amazement at the level of ridiculous that has been achieved so awesomely.

So obviously this is Chuck, right, not Ed, because he's complete with Chuck hair, and, like seriously, Ed's a dirty British rockstar, not an LA socialite in velour. But I'm choosing not to seek out confirmation of that fact, because the part of me that is convinced Ed is in fact turning into Chuck, thus meaning Chuck Bass has/will soon transcend television and become Real Life, really hopes this is just Ed's between-takes loungewear. Because that would be incredible.

All that said, I really can't wait for whatever episode this is.

Also, check out that woman in the bright red pants mid-sprint and fiddling with her camera in the background. I'm just saying, could be me. I do indeed have cherry-red fleece pants, because I am both from New England and can't let college go. But they would never be my Chuck-stalking attire of choice, so, she is not me. Sadly. Because seeing this in person would have made my month.